Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, October 27, 2008

I think they've given up on us

Yesterday, I went to a baby shower. It was okay. Not too bad. Until I got tired of Ooooing and AHHHHing and drifted away into my own mind about things. I was in a room of 14 women. All of which had all had babies or one that was going to have a baby. I was the only one that hadn't experienced that.
After all the gifts had been opened, people are getting ready to go, but wait! One more small conversation. The Mom-to-be had to say that this was an "Ooops" baby. She was on bcp at the time. Then I got informed of all the other women that so and so knew that had the same thing. Not just that they got pg on bcp, but that one had twins and one had triplets! (at this point, this is so foriegn to me, I still cant imagine making a baby without a speculum being involved)
Then they went around to all the young moms and said, Oh don't you think its time for #2, or #3 or #4? I scooted out of the room before they could get to me, but I didn't escape the glance of the woman that started the whole,"Isn't it time for # whatever" conversation. She glanced at me, then hung her head.
You know, women just have this intuition. Heck they even named a women's razor after it, INTUITION. Its some good stuff! I got it. And although I thought I would be escaping the question of WHEN we were going to have children by leaving the room, ultimately I realized that they wouldn't have asked me. They, meaning the family, have given up on us.
I walked into the kitchen, fixed myself another glass of punch. Before I left that day, 2 women that had been looking at me for the previous 2 hours said, "Oh you are looking good." Yep, I read this one. Hit the nail on the head. They don't know what to say, I don't know what to say! They are trying to make me feel better by trying to be supportive, and I'm all snarky and mean. Well, I've turned the curve. I am now the one they have given up on. I don't know if its better to be the one that always has to explain why we don't have kids or if its better that they have given up and won't ask anymore. I've decided it sucks either way.
We survived no TV week, and I actually like it. We turned it on last night, it felt strange. Like it was too loud or I would rather be reading. I tried my hardest to be all mad and angry at no TV, but after the 3rd day, I decided I liked it. Got us back to basics. Slowed our world down. Angel has gotten down in the dumps about work a bit, so my time is going to be spent trying to get him out of this funk. I know we will be fine, no matter what happens. God's got our back. He is with us through the triumphs and trials.
They baby drs sent a little stuffed lamb to me in the mail. Had a little tag on it that said something to the effect of, "if you need something cuddly to hold, here I am." I had it on the dresser for awhile. It was cute. But I don't always want to think about this. I need some time. So I put it in the drawer along with my 2 "$10,000 bears". I call them $10,000 bears because each IVF cost about $10,000 and they gave me this cutesy bear after the retrievals. I look at them, in the drawer. But I don't always want this to be #1 in my mind. Does that make sense? I know where they are when I might need them.
Right now, I'm focusing on our marriage. I think that we will go for the FET after the first of the year. When we went to the Mart to get the baby shower gift, Angel said Oh look at this crib. I was like huh? He said yep, this is the one we need. I'm stunned. But even though he's bummed about work, he is still looking forward to our little frozen totsicles thawing and making a child for us. Praise God!

Friday, October 24, 2008


Crazy title! I am constantly amazed at the words that they come up with to make you type so that you can leave a comment on someone's blog. This was the latest, and it just made me laugh. You have to say it outloud, I did! BWAHHHAAHAAA!! Too funny.

So the thing is that this is the first time I've laughed in several days. I don't even remember the last time I've laughed.

I got home last night to a big envelope in the mail. It was from "them". "Them" is the baby drs, the RE's office. I opened it. It was a booklet on grieving the loss of a child after miscarriage or stillbirth. HUH? Was that really me? Did that really happen? Am I one of those people that had a miscarriage? This book certainly isn't for me. There was a note in it from the Counselor that sent it that said, "I'll call you soon." OMG! What am I going to say to this person? She better wait awhile, til I can come up with some butshing for her.

Still no tears have been shed since the day I started full AF type bleeding, 2 days before my Beta was positive. I guess I cried it all out that day, or I will have a horrible delayed reaction.

Angel had a strange sort of demotion from work. His female boss said to him that she realized "you and your wife have suffered a great loss" and used our infertility as an excuse to fuel her power hungry fire. Long story short, a great injustice is happening to Angel at work. He does his job, doesn't complain, has patients, drs, families and co-workers that adore him. Well that poses a threat to the power hungry B****s at work. He isn't looking to get ahead, exactly. He wants to do his job and do it well. But they are pushing him out, and can't find any other excuse other than the fact that he had to take ONE day off, that he got pre-approved, to take me to the baby dr. Makes me so mad, on so many levels, I can barely see straight.

I read the booklet. It was for me. This did happen. I had a bunch of cells put in my uterus and for 30 seconds, they attached and tried to make a home. That little bunch of cells was part me and part Angel. It didn't live. I guess that is considered a miscarriage.

A hard fact to take in. That last 2 sentences were hard to type.

So to sum this all up, its just BUTSHING! Angel's work, getting THE BOOKLET, realizing that it was a miscarriage, and now waiting for the Counselor to call. I thought I was dealing with this. Ummmm maybe not so much.

On a good note: Angel and I have been in TV Jail. No TV for us since last Friday. Its been difficult, different, and weird. I didn't realize how much I was addicted to it. I have used it as a tool to escape. Maybe that's what everyone does. But I can just stare at this silly box and go anywhere I want to in my mind. Mesmerizing! If Angel asks, "Whats going on with the show?" Answer is most of the time, "I don't know". So we both have had to communicate more and we eat food ONLY at the table. Its an adjustment. Its a great experiment. Angel was the one that suggested that if we are going to be parents, we have to start communicating more, not just during the commercials. Tomorrow, the ban will be lifted. We will be on TV parole. We are still going to have tv free days and eat at the table. I hope this experiment has brought us closer together.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I've been Tagged!

WHOA! I've been tagged! I've never been tagged, not sure exactly what to do. So I'll take my cues from Chelle and go for it! WHA? I can only use ONE WORD? Ughh!

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Where is your significant other? work
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? whackadoo
5. Your father? LOVE
6. Your favorite thing?
7. Your dream last night? mother
8. Your dream/goal? parenthood
9. The room your in? lab
10. Your hobby? house
11. Your fear? dying
12. Where do you want to be in six years? kindergarten
13. Where were you last night? mexican
14. What you’re not? untruthful
15. One of your wish list items? chimes
16. Where you grew up? AL
17. The last thing you did? spreadsheet
18. What are you wearing? coat
19. Your T.V.? OFF
20. Your pets? Sassy
21. Your computer? necessity
22. Your mood? surreal
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? AWESOME
25. Something you’re not wearing? glasses
26. Favorite store? HobbyLobby
27. Your Summer? frivilous
28. Love someone? Angel
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Oct5

Monday, October 20, 2008

Today it hit me

What would it be like to create a child and a Dr not be involved? What would it be like for the words to come out of my mouth, "hehee this is our OOOPS baby." That concept is so foreign to me. I think along with each step in this journey, I have to take a deep breath and realize that this is how it is for us. I scour the internet for information, one more tidbit about what I'm dealing with. How many ways can you say "Chem.Ical Pregn*ancy". Believe me, I've searched for them all! Just for some tidbit. Some morsel that I missed. Something that the Dr or Nurses aren't telling me. Haven't found it.

Were those lil' embies, the ones I had pictures of, were they really in there? Had they actually found a spot and thrived for 30 seconds? Enough to get the beta to go up a smidgen? I haven't thought of it this way until now. Those were part of us, part Angel and part me. More importantly is that for the first time in my life, I was completely responsible, even if it was a short time, for someone other than myself. Its a surreal feeling.
I guess things have just happened really fast. All the while, I've had to work, meet deadlines, go to the grocery store, do laundry, deal with my family. Imagine this: Life goes on while you are in the midst of something tragic. MAJOR REVELATION!
In some ways, I'm glad that things go on, so that I don't have time to dwell. It doesn't make it any easier to get to sleep at night though. My beta was 16 on Monday. So guess that means that if I had AF in the month of November (my body is so whacked out right now, who knows) that I could possibly do an FET.

So then my mind says, LOOK! Don't rush this thing. Work, the holidays, parties, etc.... it will be really hard to #1 keep it a secret, #2 Explain why I won't be attending da da da (oh boy have I come up with some hum dingers) #3 (Just to try to make this the longest run on sentence EVER) Keep up with the pressure of it all, #4 Come up with the 2 grand its going to cost us.

I don't think I've ever felt jealousy at the announcement of a new child. I think the feeling can be best described as a wake up call. It wakes me up to the fact that Angel is now 40, turning 41 in February. I'm going to be 32 in March. My mother was 32 when she had me and I ALWAYS said I would have kids before this because she was too old when I was growing up to do things with me. Now, I realize that it wasn't so much the age factor, but the WhACko factor that kept my mother from doing things with me. Its a smack in the face that these people that JUST HAD "YA KNOW", conceived, and had a baby. UNFATHOMABLE! Reminder of how long we've been at this. How long I've been taking prenatal vitamins. Reminder of how naive I was when I started taking prenatal vitamins. Reminder of all the disappointing phone calls I got, and all the disappointing phone calls I had to make to friends. Its just a smackaroo in the ole kisser to think that. So when someone says, "I'm pg!", these are the things that run through my head like a bad dream. I always have had a dream, silly I know, to be able to announce a pregnancy at Christmas. I thought this time, it would really happen. But for the 4th year in a row, it will not come true.

Something funny. They had free flu shots at work. We were all standing in line and the folks that were coming out of the area they were giving the shots were saying, "Owwch, that hurt". I felt like yelling "YOU PANSY!! Try getting 3.5cc PROG*ESTERO.NE In OIL In your backside everyday for 20 days and enduring cellulitis and 102 degree fever along with it. But all along, saying, I've got to keep doing this because I might be pg. " Yeah, shuttup about the stinkin' flu shot with a tiny needle and .5ml of liquid. just SHUTTUP!

Hanging in there

Just got back from the trip to the dr for another Beta test. This time is different for sure. I again, didn't want to go. I didn't want to get up EARLY, make the 1 hour drive, listen to the hope in the nurse's voices. But again, I was wrong. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear their hope. I needed to hear what they had to say about all this. God always sends you just what you need, when you need it. I needed them this morning and I'm so thankful they were there to lend an ear and some thoughtful insight.
Although I didn't ask for it, God is giving me wisdom to get through this. He is putting a lot of things in my head that make me realize that this journey hasn't been in vain. There is a reason for this madness. Sort of makes me excited to think what God has in store for us next!
Pondering this question- Couldn't we have taken a shortcut to get to this point? Did it really have to take 4+ years to get here? The answer is No and Yes. And the reason why it took so long, I think, is because I am so hard headed! I feel like smacking my head like they do in those V8 commercials. SHOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION! I was too wrapped up in doing this and that to get the real message.
Thank you God for your blessings of time, hope and wisdom. I hope I don't let you down.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Not meant to be

Its a biochemical pregnancy. I stop the hormone supplements and wait for the inevitable to happen.

I'm actually okay. No tears shed, yet. Its been fun for a few days. Dreaming and hoping.

I have to say, if we didn't have the "6 pack" of frozen embies, I think I would call it quits. 5 years is long enough. But we owe it to them to give it a try. Just not right now.

I've never been this far before. Never gotten a positive Beta. It gave me a new sense of hope, well and disappointment. No regrets. Just going to move on.

Angel has got a good ole Southern supper ready for me when I get home. I'm looking forward to some SOUL FOOD!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Not so bad

Well being here in this place isn't so bad. Of course, I would be resting so much easier had the numbers been higher. But to be "the P word" for almost 48 hours was blissful. The sight of Angel's eyes dancing was worth the 5 years battling this issue.
I have looked so forward to the look in his eyes, ever since this started. It is unimaginable. I get great joy from seeing Angel happy. His happiness is definitely more exciting and wonderful than my own.
So in some of this, I might sound like I'm giving up now. Not really. Also, it might sound like I'm picking out nursery furniture, not so much. I'm definitely on the fence right now. Can go either way. I'm thankful to have gotten this far. This is a place I never thought I would be. It has brought me renewed hope.
So a little bit of the "G" man ahead, stop reading if you want. I felt in my gut that while we were doing THIS cycle, God was with us. I knew that when we went in to the office for various things, God was there and WE were supposed to be there. He blessed us by revealing his plan for us. So I feel that even if this doesn't work out, I am affirmed that this was part of OUR journey. My gut, and my God weren't wrong.
What went terribly wrong is when I started bleeding and I just totally discounted the power of God in our lives. YES we are important enough for God to intervene in our lives. Even with all the bleeding, the numbers are still going up. WHO KNOWS?
I think the difference this time, and the peace I've felt this go around, has been when I've trusted that God will PROVIDE and He will carry us through this. Although anxious to hear the next set of numbers, I'm going to enjoy these days as they come. Each and every day is a treasure. I can't lose sight of that.
Also, I'm not afraid to hear if someone has some insight, good or bad, into my numbers. Any feedback is welcome.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Got the numbers

Beta hCG from 128 to 147

Progesterone from 1.5 to 12.1

Estrogen from 91 to 164

Go back Monday for another blood test.

Can anyone give me some input on these numbers? I know the progesterone is low. But I'm doing Crinone, so you can't always accurately measure it with blood serum tests. In 48 hours, shouldn't the beta have gone up more?

Guess I won't stop worrying until he/she graduates college.


They didn't call me today. So for the first time in MY LIFE, I have a positive beta. OF course, one beta doesn't tell you much. The key is a comparison of TWO betas. SO I marched my happy butt an hour away this morning before DAYLIGHT to have blood drawn and they didn't even call me to tell me the results. I won't be able to get some much needed sleep thinking about this. All I told myself all day long was, If you make it til 5pm, you will know SOMETHING and be at ease. Yet again, my gut has been wrong. I am so disappointed.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Ok, there might be more

Picture this. I go to get lunch. I decided to have a nice picnic outside, enjoy some of this wonderful fall weather. I set up my sandwich, all comfy.... the phone rings. Its THE RE's OFFICE! What are they doing calling at 1:00pm? Something must be wrong. I let it ring 3 times, I don't know if I want to pick it up. I did.
Short story LONG.... my beta is 128! OMG! Is that good? I'm 9 dp5dt. I'm pretty knowledgeable about things IF, but I've never made it this far before. HELP!
I've been bleeding since Saturday. Spotted on Friday. Evidently this is not the norm, but not too uncommon. SO I go back on Thursday to see if it goes up. I'm not saying the "p" word.... might entertain the idea after Thursday.
Maybe one of the embies can hang on through all that bleeding.??? Anyone have any ideas? They said there could be a lot of reasons why I've been bleeding. I haven't done too much looking on the internet. Haven't had time. They increased my progesterone. Only thing we can do is wait and see. I guess it could be some sort of hemorrhage? Eh, I'm not speculating yet. Just enjoying this feeling.
Biggest question I've got right now is, "Why did you ever doubt that God could do this?" I did. And biggest lesson learned from this? Don't listen to your gut, HOLLIE!! Do all your meds like you are supposed to and JUST DO IT!
I thought about donating a poster to the IVF section of the RE office. I could be the face of the campaign for FOLLOWING THE DRS ORDERS!!

Good things

Okay, I'm getting better, slowly. I'm starting to look at things as good again. I had to go to the clinic today. They made me. Here's how the conversation went...

Hollie: Hello?

Amanda: (meek and mild) This is Amanda from Dr *&(^&^$ office. They told me to call you and tell you that you HAVE to come in for your beta tomorrow.

Hollie: Why?

Amanda: Ummm welll ummm welll..... I don't know why.

Hollie: Well find out.

Amanda: Well, ummm I don't have anyone around to ask.

Hollie: (in my brain- FIND SOMEONE) Okay, whatever.

I'm a big ole beyatch! I just didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to have to face them. I didn't want to have to say, okay, I've been bleeding for DAYS now with no relief in sight. There is NO WAY I'm preggo. But I put on my gold shoes and pranced my happy butt in there this morning. They gave me a big ole scoop of hope, NOT what I needed. But they are sweet. Amanda is sweet, and got informed this morning that she is new. So look at me, big ole meanie veteran beating up on the fresh meat.

So now, I'm scared that they might call me and I might have a beta of like 8. That would mean I was preggo for like 10 minutes, right? I think that might just be awful.

No tears today though, I'm happy of that. Trying to stay strong and keep doing what I can do. I CAN work. I can breathe. I can laugh, although hard. So breathing, laughing, working, and doing it all over again.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Too good to be true

Friday morning, I woke up, I knew something wasn't right. Saturday morning, I woke up spotting. Called the nurse. She said it could be implantation bleeding. Nope, Sunday full force AF. No baby for us.
Angel and I had a huge horrible argument. I was being a big fat jerk. I guess I wanted someone to feel as badly as I do. I know THIS feeling will pass. Lord knows I've been through it enough. I'm in the mad stage now. Next is numb, which I believe is coming very soon.
One of the hardest things to shake this go around is what I have done to my family. I have put us through 5 years of this and too many thousands of dollars to mention. I think for the first time, I'm going to try to admit it to myself that we are chasing an unattainable dream. I'm dragging Angel and our marrige along with it. I guess at this point, I'm feeling guilt for all the pain I've put us through. Trying to be positive, trying to have faith, trying to hope that a dream can come true.
I have a followup with RE 10/22. Don't know if I'll make it or not. I have an appt for beta Tuesday. I know I won't go to that.
Right now, and I know I'm being crazy and irrational, and this feeling will pass, but I have to admit that our 6 embies in the freezer are almost a burden. They mean that we cant just GIVE UP! I can't just yell "IM DEFEATED", "IM DONE". Nope, I've got 6 little miracles waiting for their Mom to snap out of this mess. That means more money, more emotional investing, and with each failure, chipping away a piece of my heart.
I've got to go to work tomorrow and keep my chin up and do something that I can do, work. Put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Keep doing it over and over again as my dream keeps slipping further away.
By the way, today is my 6th Wedding Anniversary.