Times are hard

I've been sick before, like in the bed sick. I've actually even been like in the hospital sick several times. THIS IS HARDER!

When people say, "how's the baby?" I say, "He's wonderful." Because, in fact, he is wonderful. He had a virus last week, that slowed his eating a lot, had a fever that went with it, and seriously scared us. But he bounced back, unlike his parents that felt like they had the plague. When HM got sick, so did we. We both ended up at the drs office begging for antibiotics. And two lively people turned into crumpled messes. All the while, our son, is bee bopping around doing his thing. So here comes the hard part. When I get sick, I shut down. When you are a Mom, there is no shutting down. Angel and I, up until this point, have shared the parenting responsibilities 50/50. Well after our plague, he got a stomach virus on top of that which REALLY put him out of commission. So, I've been the primary caregiver for 5 whole days. It has been brutal. I hate to think what would happen if I had a hard to deal with child. HM is so agreeable, goes and does with little effort. He needs a smile, a hug, and some food. And for this I am so grateful. But I am exhausted. Maybe it would have been different if I had prepared for this. But at this point, I'm nominating all single parents for sainthood. I can't keep going like this. Up at 4:30am, bed at 11pm. AND I am a girl that needs her sleep. HM sleeps from 8pm-6:30am (don't shoot me) but I have to prepare all of the things for him and keep some semblance of normalcy in the household.

So, I have to admit, in all honesty, I'm resenting Angel for getting sick. Is it his fault, no. Could it have been prevented, no. Am I still mad that I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for days, with no relief in sight? YES! Mom isn't allowed to rest. Maybe it is something that happens to you when you become a Mom, a gift that God gives you to be able to keep going when your got up and go has gotten up and left. Thank you God, but can you give me an extra shot of that stuff to keep me going?

I pray that when I enter my home tonight, that I can get some rest tonight. And I also pray that all the single parents, or parents in general, get some much needed rest themselves.

Some Pics!!

Mild Panic

Picture this. Last night's routine, going rather well. We played, cooed, and stared at each other. All is well in our household. It is time for a bath. We get into the bath and out of the bath without a hitch. I put him on the warm bathroom counter, on a nice fluffy towel, to get him ready for bed. Diaper goes on, no problem. Then I pick him up to lay his sleepy suit under him. All is still well. Then he coughs. Then he spews. Then, my baby stopped breathing.

I am holding him at this point, and I shook him, pretty hard. Nothing happens. He is turning very red and he is flailing his arms and legs. Then I just smacked him on the back, REALLY hard. He let out the most beautiful cry. It was the "I'm madder than heck" cry, but to a panicked Mom, it was beautiful. I fling open the door to the bathroom. YELL to the top of my lungs for Angel. He must have SPRINTED up the stairs. I handed my screaming baby to his Daddy. Then I proceeded to fall to pieces. I was shaking. I couldn't believe what had just happened to my 15 week old child!

To say the least it was a rude awakening to the fact that my life will be like this for the rest of my days. I will always worry, always obsess, always wonder if I'm doing the right thing for this child that God has given us. We have been given an awesome responsibility. Angel reminded me that this is the first of many panic moments that we will go through, and they will all turn out okay. I'm glad he was all calm, but he wasn't so calm last week when he nicked HM's thumb while trying to cut his nails. In fact, he doesn't even want you to mention cutting fingernails. But we have survived our first couple of tragedies. Maybe when HM is 20, we will look back on this and laugh.

Next week, HM starts day care half days. I have no idea how to feel about that. I have been dreading it, however, I don't know if I REALLY DREAD IT or if I dread it because people tell me I'm supposed to dread it. I know it will be for the best. He needs the interaction with kids, which he loves. He needs to be independent, and its supposedly easier to transition them now rather than later. Maybe I'm convincing my self of all of this. Still trying to figure all this out, as you can probably tell.

Things Im thinking about...

Im thinking on several things. I have had no real revelations on any of them, just thought I'd throw out there what is going on in my head.

1- I have loved living my dream for the last 12 weeks and can't contain my excitement for the wonderful things to look forward to for the rest of my life.

2- I have a guilty feeling for being on this side of IF. After 5+ years, I never thought THIS would be me.

3- Thinking back on about year 3 of IF, I put so much importance on the giving birth experience. It was an experience, I'm glad to have had it. But the reason why I'm glad is that I got a baby boy out of it.

4- Im already thinking about those 3 totsicles we have in the freezer and about another go at this. Still have to lose some weight, so it will be a little while. :O) Are two miracles too much to ask for?
AND if the next FET doesn't work, will we go through all this again? If I had to answer right now, the answer would be no.

5- I have been so blissfully happy since we found out that we were preggo, and that is coming up on year ago now. WHOA time flies!

Birth Story

Getting settled into our new normal life. Lets just say, the whole thing hasn't been how I expected it to be. However, in His infinite wisdom, God has provided an exciting new life for us, and for that I will forever be eternally grateful. I tried not to have too many preconcieved notions of how the birth would go, etc, so that I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't go that way. That being said... here we go!

Oct 5, 2009 (Our 7th anniversary)- We went to the dr. She suggested that we go to the hospital for an ultrasound to check out and see how big our lil man was. Dr said that if he was over 8 pounds (estimate) that she was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to deliver him vaginally. The estimate came in at 7 pounds 12 oz. So she said we could induce on Wednesday (Oct 7) and see how it went.

Oct 7, 2009- at Hospital at 6:30am. I wasn't the least bit dialated, but lil man was head down. Started Cervadil (to try to dialate my cervix) and inserted foley catheter bulbs to speed up process. Started having contractions about 12Noon. They weren't very intense, however, they never let up! I couldn't catch a break! Every 2-4 min, SOMETHING was going on, with varying intensity as well. By 9pm, I had my epidural. They started Pitocin. I contracted all night and by 6:20am (Oct 8), I hadn't made enough progress and she didn't think he would decend. Im a big girl, but her prediction of my pelvis being small was correct. So at 7am, I was whisked to the OR for a c-section and at 7:08, we welcomed our miracle man into this world.

I didn't realize how hard the first week would be. I would just cry, for no reason. I hate that feeling, not being in control. But Angel assured me over and over again to let it go and that it would pass. I can't tell you what a blessing Angel has been in all of this. We truly have a 50/50 parenting style. He couldn't be a better father.

On a note, yeah, Im going to go there. We could have quit, we could have given up. I knew we were going to be parents, although I had no idea how. IF this hadn't worked, I would have kept on going pursuing parenthood. AND (my I told you so moment to Angel) the pride and LOVE I see when Angel holds his son, is immeasurable. It IS EVERYTHING I knew it was going to be. It is like seeing God in our midst. Im not saying that this route is the best for everyone, quite the contrary. But for us, I let go, I let God deliver this miracle to us in His own time and in His way. It has been an amazing journey, thus far and I can't wait to see what miracles unfold for us in the near future. I have forgotten much of the hard part of getting here, I guess you block that part out. But I will never forget the amazing women I've met along the way that carried me so many times through encouraging words in their own blogs or comments on mine. This isn't a goodbye, but rather a THANK YOU.