This is how my 2013 has shaped up.
- January: FET 3 embies
- February: joyous news, one embie made it!
- March: my birthday, the day we lost our precious baby (~8wks along)
- April: the month that we received the news that our baby was a girl and she was genetically perfect in every way.
- August: fast forward through a few months of grief. In all of our scenarios, the one that happened was the one we didn't prepare for.
Where am I now? I still ache every day. Not for another baby, but for my baby. She has a name, and at night, before I go to bed, I whisper her name to myself to acknowledge that she isn't forgotten. Angel has seemingly moved on. He says things like, "it was for the best, we are too old for a baby." Which rips me to shreds. I hug my baby boy so tight, knowing he would have been the absolute best big brother. I always said that girls "scare me". Honestly, they do because I know what it's like to be one! Of course, my fears would have subsided the moment I held my sweet angel girl.She was a human being and I saw her heartbeat on 4 separate occasions. I saw her tiny arm and leg buds. There will always be a hole that no one or thing could ever fill.
Burdens right now…
- I have a ton of baby stuff that I now have to get out of my house some way, somehow
- I feel like my body has been used up and won’t carry a child again.
- I feel guilty for asking God for one more miracle, we’ve had too many already.
- I promised Angel we wouldn’t do ART again. I have to begrudgingly keep that promise.
- At this point, I don’t think I could even fathom seeking out an adoption. Not because I’m not genetically linked to a child, but because if some person on this planet decided to take that child from me, I would not be able to live. It would break me in ways that I do not think I could recover from. It’s unfair to put my family in that position.
- If we were to be one of those people that became “spontaneously pregnant” as the Nurse Practitioner put it, I would be scared to death the whole time because I didn’t have all the “help” that I did before of the drugs.
- I just want my baby back. I want that damned clot to have never formed for whatever reason. I want to go back to life as it was 5 months ago.
- My birthday will never be a day I celebrate again.