Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Face Plant

Awesome title to this post don'tcha think? Well, it describes a lot of what has been happening lately. Now, I find myself firmly planted face down and well, I'll dust myself off, but not quite yet.
First, Baby Man really did have a face plant at school. He fell off some life sized blocks and had his first real, icky-looking, on his face, injury. I freaked. He didn't though. I'm not sure if he was too tough or just didn't feel comfortable letting his feelings go in the daycare setting. But they said that he didn't cry. They still hugged on him, and fussed over him. I did not take a picture of the injury, its one of those things I find it better not to remember. But he had a nice strawberry on his forehead and scrape on his nose and scratch on his cheek. I'm sure this is the first of many, but for me, it showed me that our Baby Man is a living, breathing, fragile creature. His health and well being can change in the blink of an eye. Scary, Ummm YEAH!

Another revelation in the marriage realm. I'm glad we live out in the country, because our "discussions" have become a bit heated and LOUD lately. One such discussion a few nights ago ended up festering and I'll hand it to hubs, HE figured out what the problem truly was. Being vague? Yeah, I'm getting there. I'll boil it down for ya. I said, "when have I ever not totally, 100% supported any dream that you had?" (insert LONG pause)  He said, "I figured it out! Things for us went south because I didn't completely follow your dream." (more long pauses, some sniffling, and crying ensued on my part) So, we finally got somewhere. Yep, he didn't follow my dream. It really was both our dreams to have a child. I was just more willing to sacrifice myself, my health and our marriage to attain "our" dream. He was there, but not with his whole heart. He pretty much bailed after I was in the hospital with OHSS in year 3 of IF. I was barely breathing, gained 40 pounds in a matter of a few days, wasn't urinating, and, he was scared. I knew it, and I continued  trying to get our baby. He's bitter, I'm bitter. Now, we keep working.
I am not a goal oriented person. I thought that I wanted a career. Nope, but it took me a long time to figure that one out. I thought that I wanted scholastic achievement. No, it took a long time and a lot of money to figure that out as well. I had what I wanted when I married the man of my dreams. (insert sound of screaming car brakes)
The man of my dreams was tall and dark. The man I married is taller than I am, has reddish blonde hair. He even sports a tattoo, which is scandalous in some of the circles I used to travel. When we married he had an earring, but he's taken it out.  So, my dreams changed, and so did my idea of the IDEAL man. My ideal man turned into someone that I admired, someone that when I looked at him, I knew I was seeing the grace of G_d. Someone I knew would always love me, found me utterly attractive (I'm learning to not ask why), and had the greatest of integrity. He is the one for me, and I know it within the depths of my soul. I'm learning that going forth with IF treatments without hubs' full involvement was a huge mistake on my part.
Thanks to THIS POST, wisdom from a completely unlikely source, I have realized that dreams change, people change. I'm grateful for the change, and I'm going to be working on trying to "fix" my mistake. Even if it takes the rest of my days, it will be worth it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ya'll still with me?

Yeah, I'm still around. Been more of a commenter lately. But I still keep up with mah peeps in blogland. I feel like I am forever linked with the friends that I have met through IF. I just can't stay away! Which, to me, is a good thing. It doesn't particularly mean that I'm "over it". I think I'm "living with it". I am still the scared little girl that first went into the OB's office and fell for the "Oh honey, you just need a little clomid." Yep, thats still me, just... seasoned!
Our Baby Man has recently had a vocabulary explosion! It is truly amazing to watch him see things, feel emotions, and speak words for the very first time. Even when he pitches his little stomping fit because Thomas (you know, the train guy) won't continue to roll down the track and there is entirely too much dialogue in each episode. We've recently started with "What's that"? And I'll say whatever it is. He'll try to repeat what I said. Sometimes, if its not quite right, he'll continue to say it until he gets it JUST RIGHT. I can't imagine a bigger blessing than watching our Baby Man grow.
The hubs and I are doing better. Its so crazy, but there was a funk surrounding my marriage until about 2 months ago. It ALL STEMMED from this darned IF. He had hurt feelings, I had hurt feelings, we didn't deal with it, we just buried it. Well, finally it all came gurgling up until KABOOM! So, we've been working on things here lately. I've been bugging him for a chance a sib for Baby Man. We have 3 frozen tots, and Im getting OLD. He kept making excuses. First it was money. Who EVER has ENOUGH money? Then it was his age, he's nine years older. I bought into that one for awhile, then I was like, Nah... he's fibbing. Then it ENDED UP, he was scared that another baby would break up our marriage. Why you ask? Because we had all these hurt feelings inside from the first go around (5 years of IF) that were still boiling. WOW, that was like pulling teeth. WHY did it have to be so difficult? Well, you see, I'm married to a man. And well, they might as well be a different species.
Me, I'm not 100% gung ho about jumping back into the ole stirrups again. Oh no. I'm not at all ready for all the poking, prodding, legs in the air for extended periods of time. But I am ready to start conversing about it. But, seems as though I've got to work on my marriage for awhile. Which I am content in doing.
There were so many things I was going to do when I had a baby. But they pretty much went out the window when br*ast fee.ding was disastrous, I went back to work, and life happened. But, Im not sad, its just how it worked out. I've finally learned that even though things don't turn out like you plan, its OKAY. I know who's got my back.
I hope its not another 3 months before I post again. But, just checking in and letting ya'll know, I'm still kicking. I am forever grateful for the friendships and camaraderie that I have found through this blog and others. So THANK YOU, if you are still sticking with me!