Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Where was I?

Where has this month gone? I have been so busy, I don't know which end is up. I've been working so much at work, and this ole body just doesn't move as fast as it once did! Neither does the brain, let me tell ya! All in all, things are going really well. I feel our little Stickie moving and shaking all the time now. He likes music. I'm trying to get him into Clapton, but he prefers pop. We will have much time to shape his listening preferences in the days to come. He seems to like me dancing around too.
We had another anatomy scan at 23 weeks. The first go around at 18 weeks, they were unable to get accurate measurements of his kidneys because he was in a funky position. I love a re-do! Just means more time for me to get to see my kiddo! Angel was unable to attend, he's been burning the candle at both ends, taking advantage of some overtime at the hospital. But we got a DVD this time of his moving and shaking. I could watch that 5 minutes over and over again, and pretty much have! He is a thumb sucker, has been since we first saw him at 12 weeks for the NT scan. I'm not worried, there isn't much I can do about a thumb sucker in the womb! Maybe replace his thumb with a pacifier when he gets out. But there are certainly worse things.
I still can't really imagine that this youngin could come home with us in October. All indications are that he is doing really well. I'm still mystified. Don't get me wrong, totally grateful. SO after 5 years of infertility, this is how our journey goes. I guess I still wait for the other shoe to drop. But still very much appreciate every moment of his life inside me. It has brought me such joy to be a Mom, thus far. Its still surreal, that those little bumps are really a little man in my tummy. I'm sure it will be real when he does decide to make his appearance. Until then, I'll just daydream about my miracle. What will he be like, will he like to play in the dirt, will he like macaroni and cheese? Will he have a short temper or be mild mannered? All of these questions I find myself so excited to find out the answer to. It will not happen at birth, but I'm so excited to learn what kind of little person we are going to have here.
Please forgive my silence. I will catch up with the hundreds of posts on my reader, as soon as I can! Best wishes to all!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I find myself...

getting into these horrible rages. I didn't think it was possible that my body could actually be run by hormones and I couldn't stop this train wreck from happening. Yeah, I was crazy on the shots, but it got better, and I got a better grip. But I'll tell you now, I get this rage in me at certain situations and you just better get out of my way!

On my way home the other day, I was going down my usual road. Traffic slowed, then stopped, then I heard honking horns. I looked up, and there was a golden retriever in the road. Did anyone stop and get out to save her? NO! Well here I come to save the day! So I get out, get the dog to the side of the road. She is beautiful, has the best disposition. I'm a dog person and could tell these things immediately. I open up the back of my SUV because I think that I might have a leash in there. Well, lil miss just jumps right into the back. Hmm, she's done this before. I call the rabies tag on her collar. Vet clinic, long story short, they couldn't get the owner. So I was forced to take her to the humane shelter. I knew, from what the Vet Clinic said, the owner would want her back. And the local shelter will hold them for 7 days before doing anything. It was a viable option because I knew she wouldn't stay at my house. I have an underground, can't see it, fence. Not feasable for her. I didn't want her to get hurt.

So enter the hormonal rage. BTW- this is also the day that I had to see DR Oh No and was pretty ticked at her as well. So I get to the humane shelter. They give me this form to sign. I didn't want to sign the 4 things that were listed on the form. Legally, they kept the shelter from getting into trouble. But for me, I couldn't knowingly sign these statements, because since I didn't know the dog for more than 30 minutes, I couldn't answer them honestly and in good conscience. Well, then I tell the receptionist this. Bless her heart, she is so, well, she's just SO .... that she doesn't know what to do other than to bow up at me. Well, on the outside, I can be a polished classy person. On my inside, I'm a hormonal raging redneck ready to pounce. Lets say we had a couple of exchanges, both of our faces got red, my fists balled up, and right before I almost hopped over the counter to give her a smack down, I took a deeeeep breath, let it out, and signed the document in protest and made notation at the bottom that I could not sign this in good conscience. They took the paper, took the dog, and as for my thought earlier in the year of making a substantial donation to the shelter, its in the toilet. Just for now, until I can convince my inner redneck that its not the animal's fault they have this person working at the front counter. The dog was returned to the owner safely and happily. I spoke with the owner the following day and he was very appreciative. I love happy endings! Especially when doggies are concerned.

I wish I could have had my blood pressure taken when I walked out of there. No telling WHAT it was. But, I've been noticing that I'm easier to anger these days. I find myself being VERY opinionated, and not letting the least injustice slide. Is this the Mom in me pouring out?

Oh and an amendment to yesterday's post about being called, "Momma", I don't care what I get called, as long as I get called!

Monday, June 1, 2009

One more thing...

Forgot to put a sort of update with my last post. I'm 21 weeks and 1 day today. They've been moving my due date around, but we've now settled. So this is it, and will be it for the duration, Oct 15. So I tell people, its October. I'm smack dab in the middle, and it could go either way.

Last week, I had a little scare. I noticed, well, an increase in discharge. So I called the dr thinking, "is this normal?", "what could it be?" The answer to that question is UNKNOWN. I called the drs office at 8:30am Thursday (opening time) and didn't get a call back until 1:30pm. At which time, they freaked me out by saying, "You have to come in right now for an exam!" WHA' TH'? So I dropped everything at work and dashed to the dr office. Then I sat waiting for an hour. Can I tell you how happy this makes me? I saw the Good Dr (the one I like) when I went back for my weight and urine test. I breathed a sigh of relief, ahhhh, she's here today and she's going to be my dr. So I finished with weight, peeing in a cup, and blood pressure (all fine) and went back to the room. I waited some more. Then, ta da! FINALLY. But, much to my shagrin, it was Dr OH NO. DANGIT! I tried to be as cordial as possible. UNTIL she inserted the speculum, and I can't tell you the pain I felt. She said, "bare down" I was like NO I CAN"T! So then she said it again, I said, "I can't". With my experience with OB/GYN's and RE's... there are folks that can do this, and there are folks that can't. Dr OH NO goes on the list as definitely one that CANNOT do the speculum correctly. THEN to top it off, she said she would take it out "shortly". She then proceeded to rummage around in a drawer for a slide and cover slip for about 90 seconds. I am not one that handles pain well.

Needless to say, all was well. She didn't see amniotic fluid, but did see some yeast. (NO ____ SHERLOCK! I have to keep reminding her of my lovely yeastie that I've had now for 20 weeks because of the End..o mEtrin every time I see her) She gave me an Rx for the oral yeastie pill (D) and sent me on my way. Also telling me as she's going out the door that I will experience bleeding this afternoon because of the exam, she saw the blood. NICE! She didn't say anything about the cramping as well, but I had that too.

Good news out of the appointment, I can actually STOP the progesterone supplements now. PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you JESUS! And these 3 days without it, have been fabulous! I feel like a new woman. Traaalaaaalaaallaaaaah! Also, I've only gained 7 pounds so far. Since there has always been more of me to love, I'm supposed to keep it between 15-20 pounds. I laughed when I first heard that, but now, I guess it can be a possibility. But I've still got a long way to go. 20 more weeks at about a pound a week.... you do the math! Im just eating and doing my normal thing. I'm not going to stress or obsess about it. When I'm hungry I eat, when Im tired, I sleep. Thats all I can really do!

I wanna be a "Momma"

I've spent an enormous amount of time dreaming what it would be like to hold our own child. Now, his birth is 5 months away, and I'm seriously questioning what in the world I've gotten myself into. I guess every parent has doubts about things. This is probably a phase that will pass. Overall, I think my excitement outweighs the freaking outtedness. But sometimes, I have to admit, I get pretty bogged down in the fear of the whole situation.

I don't know about all the gear, feeding (breast or bottle), expectations, sleeping schedule (or lack of one), labor, delivery, etc. My books don't give me ANY peace at all. I've almost given up on them. I have two of the more popular books, but they end up contradicting each other most of the time. Then I get overwhelmingly confused and upset. That is not what a book is supposed to do. So I've changed 2 diapers in my whole life, on two toddlers and thank goodness, they weren't messy. But thats it. I can coo at a kiddo, I'm fairly good at getting a smile. BUT I actually have anxiety when someone asks me to hold their child.

Some of my girlfriends have said that they were this way as well, before they had their own. Now, it looks so natural. Guess its one of those things that I cannot prepare for. I'm going to have to wing it. Maybe that is the root of the problem. I'm going to have to wing this whole thing. Labor, delivery, feeding, clothing, bathing, crying (both of us). I can't prepare for what is ahead, I'm just going to have to think on my feet. For a major preparer, ie HOLLIE, this is not a good thing. I extinguish much of my anxiety about a situation by preparing. So when the books suck, I have a 33% chance of getting Dr OH NO for delivery, and I have this rock in my stomach that says, "girl, you don't have a clue", I think there is some room for apprehension. There is such a reason why God takes 9 months to prepare a Mom. So I've got to trust that He let this lil one survive the thaw, implant in my uterus, and thrive, that He knows what He's doing making me a Mom.

I want to be a feeling of love, not a title. "Mom" or "Mother" to me means that I'm hung up on my title and not all the love I want to ooze out on this youngin'! I want to be a "Momma". I want to hear "Momma, where's my ____?" "Momma, Daddy said I could." "Momma, I love you." "Momma" says love to me.

I've never been blessed to really know what a Mother's love is. The story is too long to share. But, I think I put too much pressure on myself because I have this ideal in my head of how I should be. Of course, like all Mom's, I want to be on top of it. Will I always be "on top of it?" Nope. Am I going to beat myself up for not being on top of it? Maybe a little. But that IS something I can prepare for. Things aren't going to go smoothly. But I've just got to gear up for the challenge. So this day begins the mental preparation to become a parent. This is so surreal...