Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Too good to be true

Friday morning, I woke up, I knew something wasn't right. Saturday morning, I woke up spotting. Called the nurse. She said it could be implantation bleeding. Nope, Sunday full force AF. No baby for us.
Angel and I had a huge horrible argument. I was being a big fat jerk. I guess I wanted someone to feel as badly as I do. I know THIS feeling will pass. Lord knows I've been through it enough. I'm in the mad stage now. Next is numb, which I believe is coming very soon.
One of the hardest things to shake this go around is what I have done to my family. I have put us through 5 years of this and too many thousands of dollars to mention. I think for the first time, I'm going to try to admit it to myself that we are chasing an unattainable dream. I'm dragging Angel and our marrige along with it. I guess at this point, I'm feeling guilt for all the pain I've put us through. Trying to be positive, trying to have faith, trying to hope that a dream can come true.
I have a followup with RE 10/22. Don't know if I'll make it or not. I have an appt for beta Tuesday. I know I won't go to that.
Right now, and I know I'm being crazy and irrational, and this feeling will pass, but I have to admit that our 6 embies in the freezer are almost a burden. They mean that we cant just GIVE UP! I can't just yell "IM DEFEATED", "IM DONE". Nope, I've got 6 little miracles waiting for their Mom to snap out of this mess. That means more money, more emotional investing, and with each failure, chipping away a piece of my heart.
I've got to go to work tomorrow and keep my chin up and do something that I can do, work. Put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Keep doing it over and over again as my dream keeps slipping further away.
By the way, today is my 6th Wedding Anniversary.

5 comments:

soapchick said...

I'm so sorry Hollie, I truly am. Take time to grieve, be angry, and cry. Know that you will emerge from this pain and there will be better days. Sending you hugs and love from Michigan!

Chelle said...

Hollie, I am so sorry. I was really hoping for you.

((BIG HUG!!))

butterflyanla said...

I'm sorry, I was really holding on to hope for you guys. Hang in there.

Trace said...

That's how I feel about the our 16 embryos. I already decided and did NOT give my husband a choice. We're doing this FET and if we're not successfeul we are pursuing adoption. We will be doing both. I think I may try a few IUIs with injectables, plus we can always go back and use our embryos. I will say the FET isn't as involved or as expensive...

BUT, don't count yourself out. The nurse is right. I could be implantation bleeding.

JJ said...

Oh sweetie...Im sorry I am just now getting here--the feed wasnt updating.
Youve been on my mind so much, and this just breaks my heart.
Please let me know how I can help in the healing process.
Lots and lots of hugs...