Friday morning, I woke up, I knew something wasn't right. Saturday morning, I woke up spotting. Called the nurse. She said it could be implantation bleeding. Nope, Sunday full force AF. No baby for us.
Angel and I had a huge horrible argument. I was being a big fat jerk. I guess I wanted someone to feel as badly as I do. I know THIS feeling will pass. Lord knows I've been through it enough. I'm in the mad stage now. Next is numb, which I believe is coming very soon.
One of the hardest things to shake this go around is what I have done to my family. I have put us through 5 years of this and too many thousands of dollars to mention. I think for the first time, I'm going to try to admit it to myself that we are chasing an unattainable dream. I'm dragging Angel and our marrige along with it. I guess at this point, I'm feeling guilt for all the pain I've put us through. Trying to be positive, trying to have faith, trying to hope that a dream can come true.
I have a followup with RE 10/22. Don't know if I'll make it or not. I have an appt for beta Tuesday. I know I won't go to that.
Right now, and I know I'm being crazy and irrational, and this feeling will pass, but I have to admit that our 6 embies in the freezer are almost a burden. They mean that we cant just GIVE UP! I can't just yell "IM DEFEATED", "IM DONE". Nope, I've got 6 little miracles waiting for their Mom to snap out of this mess. That means more money, more emotional investing, and with each failure, chipping away a piece of my heart.
I've got to go to work tomorrow and keep my chin up and do something that I can do, work. Put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Keep doing it over and over again as my dream keeps slipping further away.
By the way, today is my 6th Wedding Anniversary.