Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, March 31, 2008

Necessary Roughness

I had a good weekend. We didn't do anything spectacular, but we did have some QT (quality time) together. We talked like we hadn't talked in a long while. I had felt disconnected from Angel because we both work so much. We really had some good "AH HA" moments and I feel like we reached a new level in our relationship. I had to share this. He is so precious.
We picked up our plates for supper Saturday night from the kitchen and made way to the table. I turned around and gave him a kiss. Then, he said one of the sweetest things he has ever said to me. He said, "See, We are still on the same page. A second before you turned around, I was going to tell you to turn around and kiss me." So things aren't as bad as I thought. We just need some time together. And I might have to increase his desire for a child to a 9 out of 10. Of course the conversation got around to children. And I asked,"Do you still want to have children?" and he said,"Would I be doing all this if I didn't want children?" I said,"That's not an answer." And he looked straight in my eyes and said ,"Yes I want children, very much." I don't see his feelings very often. But at that moment, I saw it. His desire for a child was written on his face.
Do ya'll do this? We have this shielding thing we do. If its bad, we try to not keep it from each other, but shield the other one from the pain. So if one of us seems to fall apart, then the other stands strong. Sometimes, this is not the best way to handle things. But after my tears fell yesterday, he said,"Okay, so are you ready to come out of the fog now? Things aren't as bad as they seem." So he was right. I had to have my little pity party, and now, I'm good. I like the things he says when they sting a little. It snaps me out of the fog. Makes me stand back and look at the big picture. We are so very blessed to have so very much in this life. The most important thing is that we have people that love us. Is that not the best feeling in the world?

I Corinthians 13
Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

This just happened to be the verse that Angel said to me when he proposed marriage. I hope I'm not blabbing too much about dh. It just seems to me, at this stage in the game, it is so important to have the one you love on the same page with you. The relationship will be tested so many times with infertility. As I have said before, its not all roses. But together, we can make it.

Friday, March 28, 2008

My Angel

I haven't said enough about my hubby. He is my "Angel", thats for sure. When this first began, we were both very hopeful. He would leave me little notes, that's his way of showing affection, and say how excited he was about starting a family. Then as time wore on and we were getting more and more disappointed, we started shielding each other from our feelings. I want two things in this world, a child and to make sure that Angel is happy. I believe he wants the same for me. Our marriage hasnt been all the sacrifice that people talk about a marriage being. I think our unity has helped us both to grow together and as individuals.
We have had a handful of fights in our life together. I call a fight a shouting match where we are both so enraged, we cant see straight. But I dont think we were really that angry with each other. Our fights usually disappear when we find out that we are upset with the situation, not each other.
Its not all roses, I promise. But I have to say, our handful of fights has all been about infertility on some level.
It took me a long time to come to grips with this fact. Sometimes I still cannot really fathom the idea. But my shrink-e-poo says that it is perfectly normal, so I will take her word for it. Men dont have the same desires for children as women do. THERE I SAID IT. To quantify this, my desire for a child is 10 out of 10. I would do just about anything for a child. For my husband, its about 7 out of 10. It was higher, but the more we have had to suffer through, the more he lowers his desire. He weighs his desire with things like my health risks, his health risks, our relationship strain, etc. He has to think about the big picture and how much risk is acceptable. He is the one that has to stay level headed and realistic in this endeavor. I applaud and appreciate that he can be that for us. I was in the hospital last year following my Egg Retrieval for 5 days. He was very concerned. While suffering with OHSS, my breathing was very labored if I even rolled over in bed. I had cellulitis(raging infection) in my hips from the PIO shots and was running a fever with that. All the while, I was being pumped full of fluids and not urinating. I gained I think a total of 35 pounds. He is an RN and got very nervous. The people that he sees like this are septic, and they do not recover. They usually die or have serious complications from kidneys shutting down because of inactivity. After my E2 went down, I began to urinate (Praise the Lord) and I returned to normal in about another week. It was strenuous. It was hard. But would I do it all again for a child, YES. Do I need to take that risk again, No. So that is why I am losing weight for the first time in my life. It will decrease my chances of recurring OHSS and make a better place for the embie to play. Also, it will decrease my insulin levels, which has a bearing on implantation as well. We are also planning on changing my IVF protocol next time.
For better or for worse, we are a team. He doesnt show it all the time, I think he is being brave and strong for me, but he hurts about this as much as I do. This marriage is totally symbiotic. He hurts, I hurt. He's happy, I'm happy. Thank you Lord for giving me a strong man to help guide me through this with a heart of gold. Thank you for giving him a level head to help make good decisions with. Thank you for all of our blessings. Thank you for your love that shines through Angel everyday, especially when he is at work. We are truly blessed.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Puttin on my GOLD shoes

I remember when I was a teenager, there were a type of flat, shoes with little bows on the top that were quite popular. I didnt wear them. But I remember seeing an unusual amount of older women (senior citizens) wearing the gold kind. I dont remember seeing any other type of women at the time wearing these gold shoes. I figured it was a club thing, sorta like the hat people.
Well I noticed this group of ladies chatting and laughing it up in the mall food court. I couldnt help but over hear their conversation. They were being a bit crude, or so I thought at the time. They were letting loose. Letting go. Saying whatever was on their minds and LOVING IT! I figured that there would be a time in a woman's life that she could put on her GOLD SHOES and say exactly what she wanted to, and have the confidence to not care what other people thought.
As I get older, I see that I'm more and more not afraid of what others may think. So let me tell you about driving home the other day.
There was a bad wreck on the interstate. I got off the interstate after putting my large SUV (that I love) in low gear and driving through the median. It was invigorating.
So I get off the exit. Long story short, there was a woman in a little car in front of me. I was doing nothing wrong, but she was having an absolute hissy fit at me. I could hear her because both of our windows were down. So I finally got in behind her. She kept looking at me in her rear view mirror. So I smiled the biggest, SHUGARRY Sweetest smile you ever did see, and I waved! That sent her in an absolute FIT! Arms are flailing, cursing is abundant, and her long gray hair was getting all tangled from the fit she was throwing. (She was not headbanging) We drove awhile down this road. Traffic was tight because everyone that could got off of the interstate at the same place. She kept looking at me in the rear view. So finally, I looked straight at her and put my fingers in my ears and wiggled my fingers and smiled. Then I let someone in front of me. I just wanted to show this lady that she needed to chill OUT! Life is too short to get all fired up about some traffic.
My hope is that the woman lightened up a bit and told this story over and over again to others. Then they might tell her to lighten up. Yes, it was childish of me. But doggonit, sometimes you just have to put on those gold shoes and not give a snot what people think.
I am going to try to be more like that. And in turn, be more of myself. I think this blog is going to help me to do that.
Tell me about a time when you put on your gold shoes.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Why don't we adopt

I'm going to make this one short and sweet. We haven't explored adoption, mainly from the fear that it will be just as much of an emotional roller coaster as this journey through infertility has been. I have a total fear, having witnessed this personally, that after we get attached to a child, then a biological parent would come and take them away. I have seen too many Dateline's, Primetime's, and 20/20's to know that the road to adoption is paved with uncertainty, just as much as the medical intervention road. I feel like I can navigate the IVF road better. It is more comfortable for me now. I sorta know what to expect. Adoption would be another way of opening up my heart to disappointment, does that make sense?
So I was in the ER complaining of internal abdominal pain. I had been to the dr. They told me I could get a CT scan in about 2 months. SO I said, alright and got my happy butt down to the ER. I went in early on a weekday, so I would avoid the crowds. After 4pm that day, found out they couldn't tell what the pain was. (Later I had a laparoscopy and the RE removed the endometriosis that was causing my pain, it is undetectable on a CT scan) While I was waiting to be discharged, this lady was in the next curtained area. I couldn't help but over hear her plight. She was there with abdominal pain and frequent urination. Her (what looked to be) 3 year old son was there with her. He was so peaceful and quiet, coloring in his book. Well first thing they make you do at the ER is pee in a cup. So off she went. It wasn't too much later that the Nurse came back and said, "Explain your urination problems." I wont go into detail. Then the Nurse said,"Well, is it possible that you are pregnant?" The lady denied it intensely, then said, wellllllll..... maybe. The nurse said,"You are pregnant." The lady was beside herself. She started boo hooing and carrying on. She said, no this cant be happening to me. Then she saw the doc. He told her that she should set up a prenatal appt ASAP. He referred her to a local OB/GYN. Well she said she hadnt been in the area long. She didnt want an OB, she wanted to know where she could get the quickest abortion.
Now, at this point, Im about to come up out of my skin. I wanted to jump up, and scream, PLEASE I will take your child and raise it. (Oh how I've longed to hear the words, "you are pregnant") It didnt matter one iota to me that she was of another race. All I could think about was a child, a precious angel that I've longed for is inside this woman. She didnt want him/her, but I did.
I kept quiet, we were both discharged and I've never seen her again. But it made me think about the other side of the coin. Whereas I have longed for a child and tried and tried, she slips up one time and POOF she has a child that she doesnt have the means to care for. Whereas I can look at my situation as a burden, I try not to, her burden is her ability to get pregnant easily. That day really showed me a lot about myself and seeing that other people have issues different from mine, but just as devastating.
I'm not going to sit here and tell anyone that they shouldn't have an abortion and should allow infertile couples to adopt their children. I have no right to dictate anything about another person's body. I dont believe it is the right choice for me, but I cant really say that either because I've never been in that situation. In my way of thinking, no one can tell anyone else what to do unless they have been in that EXACT situation, which is rare.
So much for a short post. :)

Friday, March 21, 2008

Intro to me

Hello all ya'll from blogland! I am extremely new to this. Please bear with me. My hope is that this will be a cathartic way for me to express my feelings about what is going on in my life.

So I am 30-ish and am a 4 year veteran of the War on My Infertility. Most bloggers have a nice tidy little profile that details what exactly they have been through and how many times, even the dates. I dont EVEN REMEMBER really how much junk I've done to try to have the family that I've dreamed about. I remember the days that I used to care that my legs were perfectly shaved for the ultrasound tech and nurse practitioner. I remember the days when I used to think that a little Cl.o..mi.d would do the trick. Even nookie (in those days I called it bding- gosh I am dating myself) where I would hold my legs in the air for hours afterward. Then came a particularly dreary June day when we found out that we had more to deal with than just my issues. I vaguely remember what the RE said. All I remember really is the walk through the parking deck when I thought we would never find the car. And finally, I just couldn't walk any more and collapsed in tears. Dh had to come pick me up and tote me to the car. I cried the entire way home, 2.5 hours, and couldn't stop crying for days. Needless to say, that day changed my life.
So normally, I try to keep my feelings in my pocket. I let them out to a select few. I get emotional every once in awhile and when I do, I quickly SNAP BACK and put those feelings right back into my pocket. So I have the part of me that wants to talk about this in grave detail. The one that wants to cry until it feels better. Then there is the part of me that says, DAMMIT anything worth having is worth fighting for. This isnt what you planned, but gosh darnit, You gotta make puddin from pine cones. Do the best you can with what you have and attitude is 99% of the battle. I have a head full of cliches. I lose hope from time to time, but something in me won't let this die just yet. For the most part, I come from a family of optimists.
So now onto Dh. He is a precious man. I know that he was sent to me from heaven. I even call him, Angel, on occasion. He is 40-ish, so a tad bit my senior. He is the love of my life. I used to watch the sappy lovie dovie movies and say, no one will ever love me for who I am. They won't get past a few extra pounds. BUT AGAIN, I was wrong. There was a man out there that completely totally adores me for who I am and actually thinks I'm sexy! So, I married him!! I knew we would have issues with children, I thought they would be my issues. But we carry this bag together. Dont get me wrong, I dont blame either one of us. It is simply the cards we were dealt. Angel is a Nur.s.e and works for the local hospital. He absolutely loves his job. Okay, let me say that he has a career he loves, and I have a job that pays some bills and has good benefits.
So we live in the Southeastern United States, in a somewhat rural area, okay put it this way, its not a city neighborhood. We have been married almost 6 years. We have a beautiful house we built to house our family and 2 mutt dogs that showed up at the house. Who could say "no" when they are right there at your doorstep?
My job is a bit mundane, although I've been told I'm good at it. Plan A was that I would stay in this job for a couple years until DH finished school, then I would stay home to raise a family. Yeah, so that didnt go as planned. So here I am, biding my time until I can live my dream of motherhood. My Plan Q is God's plan A. Just gotta figure out plan q...
I have lots of questions for God, but I try to just trust that this is our journey. The one He planned for us. "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." (I told you about my cliches didn't I?) I question if we deserve a child. And if we aren't suppose to have children, then what in the flippin world am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? How am I supposed to make an impact in the world?
So Im trying to be a bit vague. I am an "i.n the clo/set" infertile. 98% of the people I come into contact with do not know of our struggles. I dont want to wear it on my sleeve. Not to mention that I know after a few strategically planned conversations, that a lot of family and friends are opposed to the way we have chosen to have a family. If we ever do have kids, I dont ever want someone to come back and say that they were weird because of the way they were conceived.
Can you hear the hope in my writing? I say THEY a lot when referring to our potential offspring. I dont know where it comes from, but I just know SOMEDAY,SOMEHOW we will have the family that we so desperately want. Another reason to stay "in th.e clo..set" is because I CANT STAND THE DUMB THINGS SOME PEOPLE SAY!!! And I have to admit, I was one of them. I have heard about all I want of 1.relaxing will happen, be patient 3. just adopt (like its just like riding a bike) 4. well I know someone who_____ (fill in the blank)I could go on, you get the picture.
Im going to wind this up, I promise. See I told you, I can RaMbLe forever!! I came up with the name of this blog because I have read dozens of infertility blogs and some way, some how, the couples end up with kiddos. Whether it is through IVF, IUI,Donor Gametes, Adoption, Fostering WHATEVER, they have children. So Im going to be my most hopeful cheerful self and say I believe there will be more than 2 sets of human feet in my household. And I thought it would be a good time to start chronicling our journey. ~H