Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, October 27, 2008

I think they've given up on us

Yesterday, I went to a baby shower. It was okay. Not too bad. Until I got tired of Ooooing and AHHHHing and drifted away into my own mind about things. I was in a room of 14 women. All of which had all had babies or one that was going to have a baby. I was the only one that hadn't experienced that.
After all the gifts had been opened, people are getting ready to go, but wait! One more small conversation. The Mom-to-be had to say that this was an "Ooops" baby. She was on bcp at the time. Then I got informed of all the other women that so and so knew that had the same thing. Not just that they got pg on bcp, but that one had twins and one had triplets! (at this point, this is so foriegn to me, I still cant imagine making a baby without a speculum being involved)
Then they went around to all the young moms and said, Oh don't you think its time for #2, or #3 or #4? I scooted out of the room before they could get to me, but I didn't escape the glance of the woman that started the whole,"Isn't it time for # whatever" conversation. She glanced at me, then hung her head.
You know, women just have this intuition. Heck they even named a women's razor after it, INTUITION. Its some good stuff! I got it. And although I thought I would be escaping the question of WHEN we were going to have children by leaving the room, ultimately I realized that they wouldn't have asked me. They, meaning the family, have given up on us.
I walked into the kitchen, fixed myself another glass of punch. Before I left that day, 2 women that had been looking at me for the previous 2 hours said, "Oh you are looking good." Yep, I read this one. Hit the nail on the head. They don't know what to say, I don't know what to say! They are trying to make me feel better by trying to be supportive, and I'm all snarky and mean. Well, I've turned the curve. I am now the one they have given up on. I don't know if its better to be the one that always has to explain why we don't have kids or if its better that they have given up and won't ask anymore. I've decided it sucks either way.
We survived no TV week, and I actually like it. We turned it on last night, it felt strange. Like it was too loud or I would rather be reading. I tried my hardest to be all mad and angry at no TV, but after the 3rd day, I decided I liked it. Got us back to basics. Slowed our world down. Angel has gotten down in the dumps about work a bit, so my time is going to be spent trying to get him out of this funk. I know we will be fine, no matter what happens. God's got our back. He is with us through the triumphs and trials.
They baby drs sent a little stuffed lamb to me in the mail. Had a little tag on it that said something to the effect of, "if you need something cuddly to hold, here I am." I had it on the dresser for awhile. It was cute. But I don't always want to think about this. I need some time. So I put it in the drawer along with my 2 "$10,000 bears". I call them $10,000 bears because each IVF cost about $10,000 and they gave me this cutesy bear after the retrievals. I look at them, in the drawer. But I don't always want this to be #1 in my mind. Does that make sense? I know where they are when I might need them.
Right now, I'm focusing on our marriage. I think that we will go for the FET after the first of the year. When we went to the Mart to get the baby shower gift, Angel said Oh look at this crib. I was like huh? He said yep, this is the one we need. I'm stunned. But even though he's bummed about work, he is still looking forward to our little frozen totsicles thawing and making a child for us. Praise God!


Chelle said...

I like the $10000 teddy bear. I agree that they don't need to be starring you in the face everyday. In the drawer is fine.

The first of the year will be here before you know it, and I hope that you'll be buying that crib.


Patricia said...

I applaud you for going to a shower. I selfishly avoid them, I just know I can't handle them so I stay away.

I think I was given up on years ago and it adds to my "secret shame" of still trying. Because I know there are some (my MIL, for one) who think I'm ridiculous for continuing to try at my "advanced maternal age." But ultimately, it's my life and it's being guided by God and so I try to focus only on that.

I love hearing some of the stuff your hubs says, it's beautiful.

soapchick said...

I know the feeling, people have given up on us as well, but it doesn't bother me. I haven't given up yet and neither have you!