Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Things I think about

Alright, Girls! Its a two-fer today!
Some bloggers write "50-100 things about me." I don't know if I can think of that many, I might work on that. But, I thought it would be neat to share with you some of the crazy azz things that go through my mind. I will preface this by saying that YES, if you have these thoughts or tendencies that you too are CrAzY!

1) The simple things are the best things. No matter how much money, fame, etc, the easy, simple things are the ones that rock. (this goes for gifts or gestures or just day to day life)
2)"Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you". -Madeline Bridges
3) Why don't premium soda crackers come in that plasticky sleeve that had the red tie at the end? Instead, we have to unwrap the package, usually spilling the contents after squishing the snot out of it to get it open, THEN find our own twist tie.
4) why do people harm things that are less forceful or less assertive than they are? (ie animals, children, other people) My theory is that people want to feel accepted, needed, and respected.
The people that harm others are the ones that are the most insecure and feel that is the only way they will be respected. I respect someone that can keep his cool much more than someone that rants, raves, and puts down other people.
5) why must my dog, Daisy, eat every pair of flip flops I own?
6) why do politicians perpetuate the horrible bureaucracy that is our nation? K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Stupid)
7) We think we have evolved from medieval times when there was a "mob mentality". We are no better than that mob, centuries ago.
8) why can you buy 8 hot dogs in a package, and 12 buns? Is there someone that eats a half a hot dog cut length-wise?
9) (I think about food a lot) Why is it that you find an awesome restaurant, it has awesome food, awesome service, then you take your friend there and it sucks? Happens every time!
10) why is it that since Ive turned 30, my bones and body creaks like my mother's used to? I hate that sound. How do I prevent it? <<{{CRACK}}>>
11) quote from Readers Digest article,"Some things have changed, but the biggest difference is common to every long lasting friendship - the visceral reminder that our bodies are temporary gifts."-Sallie Tisdale

Well thats 11 things that are just kinda on my mind. I will continue to add on to this list, as the need arises. Have a good one, ya'll!

AH HA Moment

I had a joyous vacation. Enjoyed piddling in my yard, some sunshine, some quality time with Angel, just wonderful. I feel renewed and refreshed. I was swimming on Sunday and said, " It doesn't get any better than this." The sun was shining, birds chirping, and the laundry was DONE! ;)
Ya'll remember, I panicked a little while back when I couldn't find my embryo picture from my transfer in January, that failed. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't find it and it sent me into orbit. I guess, figuratively, it was like losing them all over again. But anyway, I was looking in my address book for something, I have pages and stuff tucked all in there, and in the L's I found my embryo picture. I can't tell you the peace that fell over me. Instead of seeing them in my mind's eye, I could see the real deal. I vaguely do remember putting them in there. I guess I wanted to keep them close to me, and I carry my address book everywhere.
Other things are going well. I am continuing my exercise routine and the food thing, but I'm at a plateau again. Can't seem to get past the -20 pound mark. I'm just going to keep working at it. I have slacked off the last couple weeks with the food stuff. Gotta get back to eating tons of fruit and drinking all my water.
Thanks for all the well wishes, I'm on the road to emotional recovery.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Feeling better

Hi Ya'll. I'm feeling better. Angel worked this weekend, he is an RN in the ICU. I had the quiet house to myself. I slept until 11am on Saturday. I haven't done that in years. I think I was just drained. Then Sunday, I enjoyed a lovely beverage (actually 2) by the pool, in the sun, with some good adult conversation. AHHHH that was awesome! BONUS- I didn't get sunburned! Got in the water long enough to dive off the board, swim to the shallow end and get out! WHO KNEW the water in MAY was going to be that CHILLY! Brrrrr
Thanks to all that commented. You helped me immensely. So, now we've got to think about adoption stuff and me going back to pshrink. Lots to ponder. My first goals are to have a fantastic 3 day weekend with Angel and some friends. So, I think I might have a slight hiatus. Hey, IF will be there when my brain gets back into it, right? uh huh Breaks are good, and Im looking forward to mine. ~H

Friday, May 16, 2008

Snap OUT of it!

Easier said than done. I can't seem to get out of this funk. When I feel like I'm pulling myself out of it, another blow. Now it is official that EVERY woman in my family that is of child bearing years is pregnant. Not to mention 11 other friends that have newborns (<3mos) or are pregnant. I'm happy, but it just brings it so close to home that this is just not going to happen for us. (I had to pause before I wrote the last part of that sentence.) Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

I had an awesome friend at work come in today. She could tell I was upset. She waited patiently while I went through all the junk, then said, "You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself". Is that it? I'm being a selfish wench. I hate selfishness. Thats what I'm doing. DAMN ME! I am so blessed. I have friends and family that love me, a good job (by most standards), a husband that adores me, I could go on and on. My friend also said that it might be time to do something else. I know, those thoughts and feelings aren't far below the surface. I also feel guilty that I wasted so much time. Time I could have been filling out adoption papers and waiting for them to be processed. Time that I could have been jumping through all the adoption hoops. My pride won't let me let go of the fact that I have to interview and apply for the job of "adoptive parent".

I think Ive skirted around this before. But when my Daddy died, I thought it was the hardest thing to swallow. But death is final. I want so badly to have my Daddy here on earth with me, but there is NO possibility of that happening. So there is room for the grief process to continue. But with this, there is always some new procedure or chance of something happening by the Grace of God. My RE said she wouldn't tell someone that its impossible with our difficulties, but <1% is pretty low. But God can do anything. That smidgen of hope won't let me move on.

I feel so in limbo. Like Ive put my life on hold for 4 years. I am usually not like this. I mean, my dealing with IF is unlike any other situation in my life. I greet adversity with open arms and squash it. This is so friggin different. I can't shake it.

So I'm now considering going back to my pshrink. Its certainly $60 I don't need to spend every week, financially speaking, but Ive got to get out of this funk.

On a good note, Angel usually doesn't know what to do when I go on a crying jag. He usually just sighs. Well last night, he did what he was supposed to do, he held me and rubbed my back. He said, I don't know what to do to make it better. I said you aren't supposed to fix it, just comfort me. I think he got it. I'm sure there will be lots of ways for him to use what he has learned. Poor thing, he has a blubbering, snotty mess for a wife these days.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Stages of IF

There are well defined stages of grief.

The stages are: (by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (btw-one of 3 identical triplets) in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" via WIKI.PED,IA)

  1. Denial: "It can't be happening."
  2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
  3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
  4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
  5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
What are the actual stages of IF. I concede that just like each cycle is different, and every woman is different, and every IF journey is different, that everyone's stages are different as well. This is just how I see it.

#1 Denial
I'm not sure that I don't experience this still from time to time. This really isnt happening to me. I see Suzy with a kid, it wont be that hard. I will just do a "little clomid" and everything will be just fine. I actually did say that to a friend when we first started this journey.

#2 Anger/Working
I feel like it is okay for Angel to have issues, but it's not okay for me to have issues. I could have gotten my weight under control at an earlier age before it did so much damage in the form of weight gain. Oh you know, I could have, should have, would have, yada yada. (this phenomenon is known as the "coulda,woulda,shoulda excuse." Also, the more angry I got, the harder I "worked" at IF.

#3 Bargaining/Working
The harder I work at this, the faster the results . The more I pour my soul into it, the better my outcome. Haven't we all been told, or I hope we have, that if we want something bad enough, and work hard enough for it, that it will come to us? Isn't that true for Daniel "Rudy" Reutigger? Haven't you read or seen movies about 1000 people that put their nose to the grindstone and achieved their dream? Guess what, it doesn't hold water when you are talking about IF.

#4 Defeat
This happens after each procedure that comes back abnormal or doesn't have the outcome you desire. Sometimes, this stage can last a couple minutes, to a couple months, to a couple years. Sometimes, I believe Angel disguises what he calls "realism" with defeat. Men wax and wane as well. I just hope we dont wane at the same time!

#5 Acceptance
Okay, so this is me. I am a statistic. I am the "couple" with MF, PCOS, and the 1st IVF didn't work. So where do we go from here? Of course that's my first question. WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER? hmmmmm

#6 Hope
This 4 letter word gets us out of our hole many times. There is still something we can do to tweak the meds, something we can do with the protocol, there is still some alternative to try to achieve our dream. So, this keeps us going. Keeps us dreaming and wanting and waiting. I am so thankful for this emotion. It keeps me thinking that there will be "something better" (kiddo) around the corner.

#7 Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious (sp?)
This word is a conglomeration of emotions. As women, we know this to be true, that our emotions can turn on a dime. From laughter to tears in a split second. This is especially fun when suffering through the "clomid crazies". So I use this term to explain that all of these emotions prior to this one can happen over a period of days, months, years, or simply in a matter of moments. Just like the Mary Poppins movie, they went through a myriad of emotions in a short period of time. But in the end, things worked out for the best and I have to trust that things will for us as well.

I have completely come to terms with the fact that this is the hardest thing Ive had to live with. A close second would be the death of my sweet angel Daddy, who was my best friend and his voice still resonates in my soul. This man was so positively positive. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I aspire to be half the person that he was, and actually still is in the minds of the people that remember this humble, kind man. But I'd like to think that if Daddy were here, he would tell me to keep hoping, living, loving, crying, trying, and surviving. And some days, if I didn't have his voice telling me these things, I couldn't make it through the day. So I had a rough few days, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I'm going to keep trusting that things will work out. I'm a big picture kind of gal anyway. Just like flubber, I will bounce back.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Rough day

I dont know how long this will last, but I'm going to try to be positive about things. As much as I want to complain about a zillion things going on right now, I'm going to look at things in a positive way. I don't like my job, but I am going to smile and TRY to like it.

Okay, maybe this isnt making sense. I have to give you some background. On Saturday, I wanted to see my embryo pictures again. SO I looked and looked for them, couldn't find it. I thought I put it in my night stand with the teddy bear that the dr gave me. But I couldnt find it. But I did find a journal that I was keeping at the encouragement of my pshrink. She has me start off by naming 20 things about myself. At the time I saw her, I was 28, thats one of the things I wrote, 28 years old. So by that time, we had been through tons of clomid, poking, prodding, finding out about Angel's issues, etc. I thought I knew disappointment then. Not a CLUE. Then I said to myself, you are now 31, and I don't feel a bit closer to my dream than I was then, and Ive worked my azz off for it. SO then the tears came. Then Angel called, he was at work. I was hoping for some sensitive reassurance to come through the line, nope. I just got long awkward silences. He has no idea what to do when I cry or get upset. Then that makes him mad and upset. Then we both end up yelling at each other and not helping any situation.

Fast forward to last night. I got back from my walk. Ive been nauseated since on these meds for a sinus infection and I didnt want to eat supper. I didnt eat saturday night either. Just couldnt eat. I did have a few grapes. But anyway, he came into the kitchen and said, "I dont think you are happy being married to me". I WAS LIKE WTF? I think that is what makes me the happiest is being with him. So where did I go wrong? What made him feel this way? Well, since we've been on the baby train, I just keep working (literally at my job), working (at going to the drs and taking meds), working (at keeping the house nice, because dammit that is one thing I CAN control), and I felt like I was working on my marriage. Come to find out, I wasn't. So when I say to him that I am not unhappy being with him, then he says well what is making you so UNhappy? Well, I say the same things over and over again. I can't have a baby, and if I quit my job, I will be giving up a good paycheck and good boss. Also, if I quit, I'm just going to sit around being mopey and be even more miserable.

Now, Im thinking about what the heck is my life, and what the heck am I supposed to do with it. This is the same question I've been asking myself for YEARS. Its like going to a restaurant and the menu has too many items to choose from. The thing I want to be is so far out of reach. Yes there is hope that the next IVF will work, but if it doesn't the biggest fear I have is doing this same status quo job for the rest of my life and not ever really being happy. Then there is a fear that I will turn into my mother if we do have a kiddo. My Daddy always said that my mother was a totally different person before I was born, I'm totally convinced she has PCOS. She would go and do things all the time and was really happy. Then I came, after years of trying, and she just fell apart. So her resentment kept her from being a mother to me. My parents drifted apart and stayed together because of.... me? Whatever. Then finally got divorced when I was 17, what a relief.

So back to Angel and I and this happiness issue. I'm trying to be all June Cleaver and look all happy, when inside, I feel like Roseanne Barr in that SHE DEVIL movie. I'm just frustrated. If I knew what I wanted to do, I would do it. Going to school was a shot in the dark. I don't really want it. And I know it. I won't excel in it, because its not what I want.

Lessons to learn:
1- I cannot control any of my reproductive functions
2- I cannot blame myself for my dysfunction
3- I have put my life and my happiness on hold for too long
4- I can't do something else and hope that it will fill the void

1- Keep losing weight
2- find something that I want to do with my life
3- stop crying all the time
4- find another dream

Only other issue to address is hope. What do I do with my hope? I told Angel that a child is always on my mind. NO matter if I'm on the toilet, planting flowers, washing dishes, at work.... it is always there. I think in the last 4 years, I have just convinced myself that ,"it wasn't the right time", "I just have to be patient", "No matter how bad it is, I will eventually get what I want". It is the only thing that keeps that smile on my face. The only thing that gets me up in the morning. So how whack is this? I get up because its another day to work harder at having a baby. I always have to be DOING something. AND THEN I'm afraid that after all this time, I will be sour if we ever do have a kiddo.

Please excuse the really bad attitude today. But thank you for reading and hanging in this long. Its just one of those rough days.