Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Friday, October 24, 2008


Crazy title! I am constantly amazed at the words that they come up with to make you type so that you can leave a comment on someone's blog. This was the latest, and it just made me laugh. You have to say it outloud, I did! BWAHHHAAHAAA!! Too funny.

So the thing is that this is the first time I've laughed in several days. I don't even remember the last time I've laughed.

I got home last night to a big envelope in the mail. It was from "them". "Them" is the baby drs, the RE's office. I opened it. It was a booklet on grieving the loss of a child after miscarriage or stillbirth. HUH? Was that really me? Did that really happen? Am I one of those people that had a miscarriage? This book certainly isn't for me. There was a note in it from the Counselor that sent it that said, "I'll call you soon." OMG! What am I going to say to this person? She better wait awhile, til I can come up with some butshing for her.

Still no tears have been shed since the day I started full AF type bleeding, 2 days before my Beta was positive. I guess I cried it all out that day, or I will have a horrible delayed reaction.

Angel had a strange sort of demotion from work. His female boss said to him that she realized "you and your wife have suffered a great loss" and used our infertility as an excuse to fuel her power hungry fire. Long story short, a great injustice is happening to Angel at work. He does his job, doesn't complain, has patients, drs, families and co-workers that adore him. Well that poses a threat to the power hungry B****s at work. He isn't looking to get ahead, exactly. He wants to do his job and do it well. But they are pushing him out, and can't find any other excuse other than the fact that he had to take ONE day off, that he got pre-approved, to take me to the baby dr. Makes me so mad, on so many levels, I can barely see straight.

I read the booklet. It was for me. This did happen. I had a bunch of cells put in my uterus and for 30 seconds, they attached and tried to make a home. That little bunch of cells was part me and part Angel. It didn't live. I guess that is considered a miscarriage.

A hard fact to take in. That last 2 sentences were hard to type.

So to sum this all up, its just BUTSHING! Angel's work, getting THE BOOKLET, realizing that it was a miscarriage, and now waiting for the Counselor to call. I thought I was dealing with this. Ummmm maybe not so much.

On a good note: Angel and I have been in TV Jail. No TV for us since last Friday. Its been difficult, different, and weird. I didn't realize how much I was addicted to it. I have used it as a tool to escape. Maybe that's what everyone does. But I can just stare at this silly box and go anywhere I want to in my mind. Mesmerizing! If Angel asks, "Whats going on with the show?" Answer is most of the time, "I don't know". So we both have had to communicate more and we eat food ONLY at the table. Its an adjustment. Its a great experiment. Angel was the one that suggested that if we are going to be parents, we have to start communicating more, not just during the commercials. Tomorrow, the ban will be lifted. We will be on TV parole. We are still going to have tv free days and eat at the table. I hope this experiment has brought us closer together.


Chelle said...

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I can't imagine the devistation of a m/c. You are strong, though, and you will get through.

The lack of TV and eating at the table together are brilliant. DH and I started this last year, and I can't go back now. I love to eat at the table and talk and bond with DH. That is OUR time together. I hope it works out for you.

Patricia said...

Butshing. It fits.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. My first miscarriage was just a couple of weeks after the first beta and I had trouble equating the word "miscarriage" with what happened to me.

But after I talked and talked and talked it through, the only conclusion I could come to was that to do any less would be to dishonor the little baby that was trying to survive, but that was not meant to be.

My pastor actually did me a great service by saying That baby was very real. It's what helped it sink in.

I know that having it sink in is very painful, and yet I always think to do anything less is unhealthy.

I pray that you find peace through this awful experience and that you and Angel draw to one another and to God in order to find that peace.