If the shoe fits

"Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt me."

I found this surfing around, and it is something that all of us are a party to at some point in our journey. I have a confession, I was the dumb bunny that said things like this before I knew better. Picture this: At lunch with 5 friends. One friend is a Mother to twins. I asked if she did clomid to get pregnant. I was being so smart, knowing about clomid. She said yeah, and left it at that. I said, "Oh yeah, I figured with twins." CAN YOU BELIEVE I SAID THIS? I have subsequently apologized more than once to this person. At the time, I had no clue that a few months later when we threw the BCP away, we would be facing one of the most difficult things in our lives.

I remember telling my Grandma, when I was 19, that I didn't want to be a mother. I wanted a career and it just wasn't important to me. She was so wise, and said, "Oh you will want a child, you wait and see." I shrugged it off. She died the next year, and I remember so plainly her face and voice when she told me that.

All I can say is that I was ignorant. I didn't know any better. My wise Daddy said to me too many times,"You never know what you would do unless you were in someone elses shoes." It used to drive me crazy that he was always right. And here again, he was. If I was 14 and pregnant, I don't know that I wouldn't get an abortion. If I were 75 and my family was dragging me out of my home to go to an Assisted Living Facility, I don't know that I would go quietly.

Before Angel and I got married, we talked about not being able to have biological children. I knew that I would have problems because my body had been whacko since puberty. We said that we would adopt. I was fine with that. I was happy about it. But, I also didn't know how difficult and draining adoption could be. The process alone is so scary to me. After seeing a similar situation within our circle of friends, I am seriously scared to death that after I adopt a child, someone will come (biological parents) and take them away from us.

I know that all situations are different. Just as other ART journeys are different. ART is just as uncertain as adoption, and it can be just as awesome. But, Ive left out an important factor. When I married, something happened in me that wanted desperately to HAVE a child. I want the experience, good or bad. I want the morning sickness ,back pains, and sleepless nights. I wanted the life experience of having a child. I do feel that if I don't pursue this, then I will be giving up my dream of having this life experience. Does that make sense? It cost me a lot of $$ to be able to admit that to myself. (Thanks Dr K!)

I have a picture of Angel and I on our honeymoon sitting on my desk. That was almost 6 years ago. Am I the same person, NO. What has changed me the most, Infertility. Would I change it? No, because I wouldn't be the person I am today had we gotten pg right off. I look back on a lot of hard times in my life and say that I wouldn't change it. I have lived and grown through all of it. And at the end of "John and Kate Plus 8", they say, "It might be a crazy life, but its our life." AMEN SISTER!

OUTTA CONTROL

I'm feeling a bit defeated. But, I did figure out some things about myself in the last few days.

Lets start from the beginning. I went to a very good school growing up. I did fairly well. We had small classes and a lot of individual help from great teachers. I went to college in a big university that basically swallowed me up whole. I did not graduate. The official line on my transcript says "Academic Dismissal." The last time I graced a college classroom was 10 years ago.

Fast forward. I thought about on this IVF hiatus that I might do something to better myself. Sure I'm losing weight (-14 pounds now). But I wanted to do something more than that. Why not? I am smart, I have a great husband that supports me 100%. So I thought now might be the time to re-enter the academic arena. Well, maybe instead of going to the BIG college and getting swallowed up, I might go fishing in a smaller pond. I decided to enroll into a community college to get my feet wet. This is proving to be easier said than done. I have great support from the BIG college, I have a friend that works in Admissions and she is helping me with all of my questions. Telling me where to go and who to talk to, which hoops to jump through, who's tail to kiss next, that sort of thing. But, all week, I have been trying to contact the community college via phone and 90% of the time, they dont even answer. You say, call another number. THERE ARE NO OTHER PUBLISHED NUMBERS FOR THE COLLEGE either on the website or the phone book. Just one, that no one answers.

Finally, I get a human. I ask for admissions. In my mind, I can picture this surly 60ish woman sitting behind a desk with one of those old timey phone ear thingamajigs, slurping coffee, and puffing on a cigarette. She connects me. It rings like 20 times, I give up. BUT WAIT! An answering machine picks up. I leave a message. Do I get a call back, NO! So good ole resourceful Hollie decides to dissect the mumbo jumbo that is on the website and actually finds an elusive email address for Admissions Questions (that sucker was teenie weenie). I email. I wait. I try calling again, nada.

I GET A RESPONSE! This is an email from a person of some importance (I would hope) at an institution of higher learning. She responds to my questions with incomplete sentences and all lowercase letters. The punctuation was nonexistent, and she didn't even have the courtesy to spell check it. I'm thinking, is this really the place I want to go to school? Did she really answer my question? Answer:NO.

The question in my mind is raised. Do I really want to go to school? Or am I simply searching for something in my life to excel in that I have control over? I think the latter applies here. I do this to myself. I try so hard to figure out, well if I can't have a kid, then just WHAT can I do? I am not a particularly goal oriented person. I have to truly be inspired to actually give anything any room in my life. I guess this is true with lots of people, but I have to WANT what I'm going after. I think the reason I did so poorly to begin with at college is because I simply didn't really want it. I am the type of person that doesn't give a hoot about social status, latest fashion, or material things really. I do love my china dishes that I have collected over the years. It's my hobby and I think they are pretty. I don't flaunt it to other people. My hope is that if someone comes to my home and drinks coffee out of a china cup, they don't think "OH Hollie thinks she is so high and mighty." I hope they think, "Wow, Hollie thinks I'm pretty special and I am pretty special."

Bottom line: I haven't ever really wanted something in my whole life. When my Dad was living, I was perfectly content to know that no matter what, I was loved whole heartedly by him. That was enough. I am a content person. I do not have a drive to be a great author or musician. But, I have this insane drive to be a mother. I do believe that it is instinctive to want to procreate. To want to leave a part of yourself on the world. This one thing drives a lot of things in this world. Procreation=baby food=diapers=strollers=retail stores=SUV's to haul all of the bounty that comes with a baby=bigger SUV's to haul the stuff=More gas to power the big SUV=GLOBAL ECONOMY Think about how much babies impact the world. From an economic point of view as well as a social. It is amazing. And dammit, I want so very badly to be a part of that.

One day, my head will convince my heart that I do not have any control over Infertility, PCOS, Male Factor, what happens during an IVF cycle. There is nothing I can do to MAKE it happen. Even with all the science and money in the world, God plays his part. And I have to sit back and relinquish this to him. I take it back, give it, take it back, give it. Maybe I haven't truly given it away.

Thanks for putting up with my rambling,
Have a great weekend,
~Hollie

PS-Angel listened to my babbling, snot pouring, outrage at the whole deal and said, "GO THERE AND TALK TO A REAL LIVE PERSON" yeah yeah, so he's right. I might, I might not. School will not take the place in my heart that wants a child.

Can you spot the signs?

I have said this often, I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, in any shape or form. I think the more I learn about this, the more I am in tune with other sufferers. Of course, tons of us suffer in silence. Some don't even get involved on the internet. I didn't for awhile. I think I was in denial. My heart breaks when I start to see someone else with the same blank stare in her eyes, the same longing on her face, the same despair that I felt when I first learned of our plight. Just getting through the days and sobbing away the nights. Telling people that those "darned allergies are killing me!"

I don't know the whole story. I don't even know this woman well, but there is just something there. I probably won't ever know if she is infertile. She will probably keep it to herself or confide in just a couple of lifelong friends. I do know that she and her husband want kids, and she is in her late 30's. They also recently moved to be closer to family. To me, those are the tell tale signs of getting prepared to have a child. I did it, I'm sure others have as well. (Hell, we built a friggin house for our impending children.) This all happened over a year ago, and she is still having a glass of wine with supper. Do you drop subtle hints? Do you let her in on your secret in hopes of helping her feel better? Do you introduce her to the thousands on the web that blog,chat,or even have demos on Utoob about PIO shots (which rock, btw)? Or do you say, eh, she will find her way. What if I'm wrong, what if I make a fool out of myself? I am really asking, I need INPUT!!

Question: So am I the only one that sits in silence at the RE's office, not daring to make eye contact with anyone under any circumstances? I stare at the TV like I care what is on, or I bury my head in a book. We even try to sheepishly say our names to the receptionist so that people won't know our true identities. (I even saw one woman write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to the receptionist- AH HA! I am watching;)Not to mention when dh comes to the office, he goes his way and I go mine. I know ya'll know what thats all about. Why are we like this? Why is it that we all KNOW what each other is feeling, and we could talk about menopause and bikini waxes until the cows come home. But when it comes down to it, are we ashamed? I think to some degree I am. Are ya'll sitting in the waiting room with me sizing up the situation? I mean, do ya'll look at my tummy and think, AH HA! Classic PCOS. Wonder if her dh has issues too? Hmmm he looks "normal". Only one head and two eyes, ten fingers, COUNT HIS TOES!! YES, Flip flops!

I guess what I'm saying is, are we all sitting in this room thinking about each other, or are we sitting around thinking that other people are thinking about us?

I have been to the RE's office dozens of times in the last 4 years. There was only one time when anyone ever spoke. It was so heartwarming. This couple, looked to be in mid/late thirties was sitting there. It was the AZZ Crack of dawn on a cold saturday morning. I had triggered and was awaiting my 2nd IUI. So the dude's phone rang. He said, "YEEEEAAAUUUPPP, we came up here to get us a baby. You tell the folks to pray for us now." (I am trying to insert the southern dialect. And in the South, people can talk like this and still have degrees from Harvard) Then she punched him. She said, "BE QUIET!" Angel and I looked at each other and then looked at them and smiled the biggest smile. It was the closest Ive ever been to a stranger. They were there doing the same thing we were. They were experiencing much of the same feelings we were.

So, we are not alone, thank God! I'm not sure what proper etiquette is for the RE's office. Definitely different from a regular doctor. Can ya'll help a girl out? I usually cant sit somewhere 5 minutes before striking up a conversation. Have I been taking cues from the other patrons too long? So should I be my usual obnoxious, loud self, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
I have been pondering this for years. Feels great to get it all out!

Have a fantastic week,
~Hollie

Motivation

I now know of 11 people that have either given birth in the last 2 months or are pregnant. To be honest, it is just motivation for me to keep going with my diet. I have plateaued. I want FRENCH FRIES!! I want FRIED DILL PICKLES, or anything fried for that matter. But, if I look at a fry, I say, "that fry wont get you any closer to your dream". I am telling you, it is the best motivation in the world. #1 is the desire for a child #2 is seeing and being around other children They are such a joy.
I do get hurt, so I dont want to go all Pollyanna on ya'll. I do get hurt when things in this infertility battle do not go as planned. Actually, NOTHING so far has gone like we thought. But it brings me peace when I can hear a child laugh or get a hug. All children are such a blessing.

SO here are the diet stats:
-12 pounds
no fried food (have wavered once since Jan 25)
eating as many fruits as I can in a day (usually 2-3)
Walking everyday (thanks to my furbabies that bug the snot outta me until I get up and go)
Drinking tons of water

I am at a plateau right now. Hoping that the hard work will pay off when I hop on the scale the next time!

Feelin Good

Hi ya'll,
Im feeling better since my last post. Not so gloom and doom. Focusing on 4:30pm so that I can go home and enjoy a weekend of rest. Angel is working, but thats okay. Its good for me to piddle around by myself. I set my own pace. I can listen to my music, read, whatever. But I usually end up cleaning SOMETHING. I shoo the pups outside, they hate the vacuum, and clean. Sometimes that is the best thing for me to do to clear my mind. Is that CrAzY? It has a sense of accomplishment to it. When you are done, its nice to look at a dog hair free area.

Ya'll have a good one,
~H

What about Life?

I'm feeling sorta bummed today. I do not usually watch or listen to news because it is usually bad and makes me feel terrible. The only news I really hear is from other people and if its a BIG news story, I will see it when I open my internet browser.
Lately, there has been so much senseless violence happening in my area. People dying at the hands of other people that did nothing wrong, they just happened to be there when CRAZY dude decided to go on his rampage. I guess violence is more in my face now that it is so close to home. I find myself wanting to physically hurt the people that did the injustice to innocent victims. This is the main reason why I stopped watching news. I feel like I cannot go through life feeling this way. I hear the about the violence, and it makes me feel angry and I want to commit violence against someone else. I can't stand a bully.
I think what this all boils down to is that some people just do not have any regard to human life. The fact that the victim is a breathing human being does not matter to the CrAzIeS! Maybe I don't identify with this hatred because I wasn't raised around it and don't have it in my life now.
The only violence I've been a party to was in the 6th grade. We were in PE and there was a heated argument between Jenny and Suzy. The game of the day was BOWLING. We had these 3 pound rubber bowling balls and these plastic weighted pins that basically we just chucked the ball at to watch the pins fly. Jenny was bad mouthing Suzy on one side of me. Suzy is on the other side. The teacher looks at us. Everyone was civil. I even put the ball up to my face as to act like I was concentrating on my bowling stance. Next thing I know, Suzy threw a punch at Jenny. But ole girl had some REALLY BAD AIM and smacked me in the face. I lost control of the hard rubber ball and came back and smacked myself in the nose with it, making my nose bleed. All three of us had to go to the principal's office and explain this blundering mess. I laugh about it now, but at the time, it hurt. And speaking of hurt, I was the only one that GOT HURT! I was an innocent bystander and had nothing to do with the slanderous words or punches that were exchanged. We all got detention. To this day, I dont know why in the world I got detention for being smacked in the face. But I guess thats just how it goes.
Add in some slightly older people with guns or knives, and there could have been a funeral or two instead of a trip to the principal's office.
Only thing I know to do is pray:
Lord Jesus, humble my heart.
I thank you for all the many blessings that you have given to me,they are too numerous to count. Lord, I ask that you lend your strength to those around us that have fallen victim to senseless attacks. I ask you to grant them the peace and guidance that only you can provide. You know their needs Lord, you know every hair on their heads.
I also ask for your peace to wash over me. My heart breaks for these victims, as well as the perpetrators. The perpetrators have lost hearts. Teach them of the sanctity of life. Touch them Lord with your Holy Spirit so they might know you. Be with the families of the victims, they will need you now more than ever. In Your Precious and Holy Name, Amen.