OUTTA CONTROL

I'm feeling a bit defeated. But, I did figure out some things about myself in the last few days.

Lets start from the beginning. I went to a very good school growing up. I did fairly well. We had small classes and a lot of individual help from great teachers. I went to college in a big university that basically swallowed me up whole. I did not graduate. The official line on my transcript says "Academic Dismissal." The last time I graced a college classroom was 10 years ago.

Fast forward. I thought about on this IVF hiatus that I might do something to better myself. Sure I'm losing weight (-14 pounds now). But I wanted to do something more than that. Why not? I am smart, I have a great husband that supports me 100%. So I thought now might be the time to re-enter the academic arena. Well, maybe instead of going to the BIG college and getting swallowed up, I might go fishing in a smaller pond. I decided to enroll into a community college to get my feet wet. This is proving to be easier said than done. I have great support from the BIG college, I have a friend that works in Admissions and she is helping me with all of my questions. Telling me where to go and who to talk to, which hoops to jump through, who's tail to kiss next, that sort of thing. But, all week, I have been trying to contact the community college via phone and 90% of the time, they dont even answer. You say, call another number. THERE ARE NO OTHER PUBLISHED NUMBERS FOR THE COLLEGE either on the website or the phone book. Just one, that no one answers.

Finally, I get a human. I ask for admissions. In my mind, I can picture this surly 60ish woman sitting behind a desk with one of those old timey phone ear thingamajigs, slurping coffee, and puffing on a cigarette. She connects me. It rings like 20 times, I give up. BUT WAIT! An answering machine picks up. I leave a message. Do I get a call back, NO! So good ole resourceful Hollie decides to dissect the mumbo jumbo that is on the website and actually finds an elusive email address for Admissions Questions (that sucker was teenie weenie). I email. I wait. I try calling again, nada.

I GET A RESPONSE! This is an email from a person of some importance (I would hope) at an institution of higher learning. She responds to my questions with incomplete sentences and all lowercase letters. The punctuation was nonexistent, and she didn't even have the courtesy to spell check it. I'm thinking, is this really the place I want to go to school? Did she really answer my question? Answer:NO.

The question in my mind is raised. Do I really want to go to school? Or am I simply searching for something in my life to excel in that I have control over? I think the latter applies here. I do this to myself. I try so hard to figure out, well if I can't have a kid, then just WHAT can I do? I am not a particularly goal oriented person. I have to truly be inspired to actually give anything any room in my life. I guess this is true with lots of people, but I have to WANT what I'm going after. I think the reason I did so poorly to begin with at college is because I simply didn't really want it. I am the type of person that doesn't give a hoot about social status, latest fashion, or material things really. I do love my china dishes that I have collected over the years. It's my hobby and I think they are pretty. I don't flaunt it to other people. My hope is that if someone comes to my home and drinks coffee out of a china cup, they don't think "OH Hollie thinks she is so high and mighty." I hope they think, "Wow, Hollie thinks I'm pretty special and I am pretty special."

Bottom line: I haven't ever really wanted something in my whole life. When my Dad was living, I was perfectly content to know that no matter what, I was loved whole heartedly by him. That was enough. I am a content person. I do not have a drive to be a great author or musician. But, I have this insane drive to be a mother. I do believe that it is instinctive to want to procreate. To want to leave a part of yourself on the world. This one thing drives a lot of things in this world. Procreation=baby food=diapers=strollers=retail stores=SUV's to haul all of the bounty that comes with a baby=bigger SUV's to haul the stuff=More gas to power the big SUV=GLOBAL ECONOMY Think about how much babies impact the world. From an economic point of view as well as a social. It is amazing. And dammit, I want so very badly to be a part of that.

One day, my head will convince my heart that I do not have any control over Infertility, PCOS, Male Factor, what happens during an IVF cycle. There is nothing I can do to MAKE it happen. Even with all the science and money in the world, God plays his part. And I have to sit back and relinquish this to him. I take it back, give it, take it back, give it. Maybe I haven't truly given it away.

Thanks for putting up with my rambling,
Have a great weekend,
~Hollie

PS-Angel listened to my babbling, snot pouring, outrage at the whole deal and said, "GO THERE AND TALK TO A REAL LIVE PERSON" yeah yeah, so he's right. I might, I might not. School will not take the place in my heart that wants a child.