Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, April 14, 2008

Can you spot the signs?

I have said this often, I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, in any shape or form. I think the more I learn about this, the more I am in tune with other sufferers. Of course, tons of us suffer in silence. Some don't even get involved on the internet. I didn't for awhile. I think I was in denial. My heart breaks when I start to see someone else with the same blank stare in her eyes, the same longing on her face, the same despair that I felt when I first learned of our plight. Just getting through the days and sobbing away the nights. Telling people that those "darned allergies are killing me!"

I don't know the whole story. I don't even know this woman well, but there is just something there. I probably won't ever know if she is infertile. She will probably keep it to herself or confide in just a couple of lifelong friends. I do know that she and her husband want kids, and she is in her late 30's. They also recently moved to be closer to family. To me, those are the tell tale signs of getting prepared to have a child. I did it, I'm sure others have as well. (Hell, we built a friggin house for our impending children.) This all happened over a year ago, and she is still having a glass of wine with supper. Do you drop subtle hints? Do you let her in on your secret in hopes of helping her feel better? Do you introduce her to the thousands on the web that blog,chat,or even have demos on Utoob about PIO shots (which rock, btw)? Or do you say, eh, she will find her way. What if I'm wrong, what if I make a fool out of myself? I am really asking, I need INPUT!!

Question: So am I the only one that sits in silence at the RE's office, not daring to make eye contact with anyone under any circumstances? I stare at the TV like I care what is on, or I bury my head in a book. We even try to sheepishly say our names to the receptionist so that people won't know our true identities. (I even saw one woman write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to the receptionist- AH HA! I am watching;)Not to mention when dh comes to the office, he goes his way and I go mine. I know ya'll know what thats all about. Why are we like this? Why is it that we all KNOW what each other is feeling, and we could talk about menopause and bikini waxes until the cows come home. But when it comes down to it, are we ashamed? I think to some degree I am. Are ya'll sitting in the waiting room with me sizing up the situation? I mean, do ya'll look at my tummy and think, AH HA! Classic PCOS. Wonder if her dh has issues too? Hmmm he looks "normal". Only one head and two eyes, ten fingers, COUNT HIS TOES!! YES, Flip flops!

I guess what I'm saying is, are we all sitting in this room thinking about each other, or are we sitting around thinking that other people are thinking about us?

I have been to the RE's office dozens of times in the last 4 years. There was only one time when anyone ever spoke. It was so heartwarming. This couple, looked to be in mid/late thirties was sitting there. It was the AZZ Crack of dawn on a cold saturday morning. I had triggered and was awaiting my 2nd IUI. So the dude's phone rang. He said, "YEEEEAAAUUUPPP, we came up here to get us a baby. You tell the folks to pray for us now." (I am trying to insert the southern dialect. And in the South, people can talk like this and still have degrees from Harvard) Then she punched him. She said, "BE QUIET!" Angel and I looked at each other and then looked at them and smiled the biggest smile. It was the closest Ive ever been to a stranger. They were there doing the same thing we were. They were experiencing much of the same feelings we were.

So, we are not alone, thank God! I'm not sure what proper etiquette is for the RE's office. Definitely different from a regular doctor. Can ya'll help a girl out? I usually cant sit somewhere 5 minutes before striking up a conversation. Have I been taking cues from the other patrons too long? So should I be my usual obnoxious, loud self, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
I have been pondering this for years. Feels great to get it all out!

Have a fantastic week,


JJ said...

I love this post, Hollie. I think about this so much--looking at other women and wondering if they have the same feelings/experiences I do with IF.
Its always hard for me to decide what or if I will say anything--but I definitely look for those signs that "what if..."

soapchick said...

I have talked to a couple of the women in the waiting room, but usually if I arrive later. My RE does the bw/ultrasounds between 6:30 - 7:30 AM and normally if I get there closer to 6:30 I'm not quite awake enough to talk! ha ha. However the conversations are usually just "hello", how are you, etc.....never too in depth.