Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, April 21, 2008

If the shoe fits

"Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt me."

I found this surfing around, and it is something that all of us are a party to at some point in our journey. I have a confession, I was the dumb bunny that said things like this before I knew better. Picture this: At lunch with 5 friends. One friend is a Mother to twins. I asked if she did clomid to get pregnant. I was being so smart, knowing about clomid. She said yeah, and left it at that. I said, "Oh yeah, I figured with twins." CAN YOU BELIEVE I SAID THIS? I have subsequently apologized more than once to this person. At the time, I had no clue that a few months later when we threw the BCP away, we would be facing one of the most difficult things in our lives.

I remember telling my Grandma, when I was 19, that I didn't want to be a mother. I wanted a career and it just wasn't important to me. She was so wise, and said, "Oh you will want a child, you wait and see." I shrugged it off. She died the next year, and I remember so plainly her face and voice when she told me that.

All I can say is that I was ignorant. I didn't know any better. My wise Daddy said to me too many times,"You never know what you would do unless you were in someone elses shoes." It used to drive me crazy that he was always right. And here again, he was. If I was 14 and pregnant, I don't know that I wouldn't get an abortion. If I were 75 and my family was dragging me out of my home to go to an Assisted Living Facility, I don't know that I would go quietly.

Before Angel and I got married, we talked about not being able to have biological children. I knew that I would have problems because my body had been whacko since puberty. We said that we would adopt. I was fine with that. I was happy about it. But, I also didn't know how difficult and draining adoption could be. The process alone is so scary to me. After seeing a similar situation within our circle of friends, I am seriously scared to death that after I adopt a child, someone will come (biological parents) and take them away from us.

I know that all situations are different. Just as other ART journeys are different. ART is just as uncertain as adoption, and it can be just as awesome. But, Ive left out an important factor. When I married, something happened in me that wanted desperately to HAVE a child. I want the experience, good or bad. I want the morning sickness ,back pains, and sleepless nights. I wanted the life experience of having a child. I do feel that if I don't pursue this, then I will be giving up my dream of having this life experience. Does that make sense? It cost me a lot of $$ to be able to admit that to myself. (Thanks Dr K!)

I have a picture of Angel and I on our honeymoon sitting on my desk. That was almost 6 years ago. Am I the same person, NO. What has changed me the most, Infertility. Would I change it? No, because I wouldn't be the person I am today had we gotten pg right off. I look back on a lot of hard times in my life and say that I wouldn't change it. I have lived and grown through all of it. And at the end of "John and Kate Plus 8", they say, "It might be a crazy life, but its our life." AMEN SISTER!


Trace said...

I knew before we got married that my husband might have fertility issues and sure enough he is totally infertile. I just thought that we'd adopt and it would be no big deal. I know it sounds weird, but I don't care about being biologically related to a child. The only reason we have chosen donor insemination is because we did have a bad experience with domestic adoption.

m said...

Dear Hollie, if it's any consolation, I am guessing that we have ALL said these things at some point in our lives. I know that I myself an guilty. And that, "no, not me, never want kids." was so me as a teen as well. Funny how things change when you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Thanks for this post. Glad I found your blog!


soapchick said...

The older we get, the wiser we get. Sometimes I think of some of the ignorant things I said when I was younger, and I am thankful that I have learned!!!