Where am I?

Im still pretty much in a state of disbelief. Im feeling better after my last post. Some things I wanted to say. I didn't figure I'd get ONE comment. Im trying desperately not to get too down on myself for the guilt that has accompanied this STICKY miracle. Im going to keep working on it, okay?!
I feel like things have been in a whirlwind. One thing that comes to mind as something I didn't anticipate is the fact that because of my subchorionic hemmorhage, it looks like we cannot have actual relations (uh huh) or anything involving ME for close to a year. Can I tell you how devestating this is? We had to abstain off and on during the cycle, then the tiredness of the first couple weeks, THEN the news from the RE that because of the s.h, we should abstain. I figured that when I went to the OB, she'd say we were all clear. NOPE. So all in all, no nookie for the WHOLE PREGNANCY and 6 weeks after. Which adds up to a year. I just realized this the other day. I shared this revelation with Angel, he said he'd already calculated. Okay, yes, its do-able. But this is a toughie, no doubt.
Another thing I didn't anticipate was how incredible Angel has been. He has been cleaning, vacuuming, laundering, dusting, mopping, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. All the while, I feel about as useless as lumps on a pickle. Im amazed at the things I just cannot do. I tried wrestling the dogs in the car to go to the vet, and hurt my back. I got severely reprimanded by many many drs, nurses, and finally Angel. I GOT IT! No more lifting of 65 pound dogs....
So a little background. I had this feeling that Angel just didn't care about my eating habits. I've been having cravings AND nausea where I only want one thing to eat. I would tell him, then get the "I'm sorry". Ummm aren't you supposed to go to the store?
Well, his answer to this madness is to stock up on the things I've been asking for. I am now the proud owner of a giant tub of ICE CREAM as well as 4 little personal frozen pizzas. Thats so that when he doesn't want to eat a pizza, I can still have one. When he took me to the freezer when I got home last night, I absolutely teared up. Over PIZZA AND ICE CREAM. My love for this man is growing every single day to levels I never thought possible. It is truly his goal in life to make me happy. I was so wrong.
Along with all of this "care" comes this obsession to make sure everything is right and done in an efficient way. WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHERE IS MY ANGEL? Okay, this is a phase. I'll take it. I don't think I go through phases. I'm pretty status quo. But Angel gets this stuff in his head and WATCH OUT! The man is a mad duster!!
So he fully cleaned the den yesterday as well as did the grocery shopping. I came home, supper was ready, the house didn't smell like food because he'd aired out the house, JUST FOR ME so I didn't get sick. PRAISE THIS WONDERFUL MAN! Well after supper, I went to my car and one of my good friends gave me some baby stuff at work. This is like $300 of freebies. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. BIG HELP! I was proud and brought the loot inside to show Angel. I said, I'll take this and put it up, I just wanted you to see it. As I was Oooing and AAaahing over the stuff, I saw him getting red faced, which isn't hard because he's so fair skinned. Finally I said, WHAT IS UP? He said "I worked all day, cooking, cleaning, etc and now you bring all this stuff in and put it on the carpet and its going to stay here forever." Okay, the man is tired, he is just delirious. He doesn't mean that. Then I pop off, "well I'll take it upstairs". He seemed to calm down but I had to think to myself, how many times have I spent the entire weekend cleaning only to have him come home, plop his hospital infected crap (he's a nurse) in my nice clean house and leave it for decades? So preggo Hollie calmly said, Does that make you feel better, in the sweetest sugary southern belle voice you ever heard. THE MAN WAS PUTTY IN MY HAND!! Yep, I got THIS! All in all, its funny. I wasn't amused last night at all, but this morning, he said before he left that we got some really great loot! That is his way of apologizing. Good enough.
So there is this huge learning curve. My approach, totally unlike my normal RESEARCH EVERYTHING mode, has been to take it as it comes, decide, and go with the flow. I have figured out that Angel is in PREPARATION mode. He has GOT to get this stuff done in order to feel like he's on top of things. So I'll help when I can, but this is truly something he's got to do. Sort of like my mad GGoo gling for the past 5 years of IF. He just has to go through it. I accept that. I've got to keep that sugary sweet southern belle thing in my hip pocket for use only when necessary.

BTW- did ya'll know I cannot find a pair of maternity pants with pockets?? What is a lab techie that totally depends on the stuff thats in her pockets ALL DAY going to do? I'm NOT seeing one of those fannie packs on my horizon, NOT AT ALL!

First OB appt, etc.

I've been incredibly busy, but thats no excuse to leave my fellow bloggers out of the loop. Here's an update.

Saw the Ob for the first time Wednesday. We waited an hour and a half before we went back. When we first went in, we saw the insurance lady and it was like buying a car. She shoved papers in my face, talked real fast, then we moved on to more paperwork that we had to fill out. It is going to cost $2200 for a vaginal delivery and $2500 for a csection. So I freaked, THEN she said but your insurance covers 100% so you don't even have a copay for the doctor. AWESOME!! The only copay should be the hospital stay which is $100. What a blessing!

Next,we saw a nurse type person, another FAST TALKER, that asked how I was feeling (nausea, vomiting, constipation,etc) but didn't EVEN WAIT for a response. WHAT UP WIT DAT?! She took my blood pressure and it was 100/60. WHOA thats low. But she said not for a preggo. Okay, got to get used to that. Couple of questions then she highlighted DIABETIC on my form. I was like, NO I"M NOT DIABETIC. Then I had to, like I always do with people NOT familiar with Endocrine Disorders, fight about the difference between insulin resistance and diabetes. I think Angel was pretty impressed with my fight. Hey, I do it for a living! I got this! For a moment I remembered, this is the part I hate about going to the dr. I'm NOT A COOKIE CUTTER. I have issues, and they are NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSES!!

Then we got to see "Sticky" on the ultrasound. It was a dinosaur machine and fairly hard to make out, but the OB was thrilled to see everything progressing and said it all looked fine. One of the reasons why I went to this RE is that its a smaller office than the other outfit in town with 15 drs, this one has 3. Secondly, the OB I chose has been where I've been with IF. So she asked if I was nervous, I said UNCONTROLLABLY. She said I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I believed her. She said she wants to see me next Thursday again. So that made me think, does she want to see me because she thinks something's wrong, or does she just want to ease my mind and knows how well I've been treated at the RE seeing "Sticky" every week? I'm hoping the latter. I think I was so overwhelmed that I forgot my list of questions and was just all over the place. I'll have a chance to catch up at the next visit, I hope.

I think next week, I'll bust out with the news at work. It is a friend's birthday and the group will go to lunch to celebrate. A confidant at work, one that I've told our secret to, said it would be a perfect time and it won't diminish from the birthday celebration, something I was worried about.

Another issue been on my mind is my sorrow for fellow IF'ers out there that haven't gotten their BFP's this go around. I truly feel undeserving of this gift. It should be someone else. But then I think that I too have seen so many have kids over the years and I had my ups and downs and I kept fighting. None of us know if this will work, but we continue to gamble with our emotions, pride, and money to attain a dream. I don't know why some experience it and some don't. But in my case, I think all the disappointment, Ups and downs, crying, yelling, hugging, dispair, was all for a purpose. None of it was in vain. It prepared us for something greater down the road. I truly believe that the difference this time was because of several things, none of which involved RELAXING! 1-I started praying specifically for a child 2- I prayed "The Prayer of Jabez" 1Chronicals44:9-10. Just like I did when I decided I wanted a husband, and he appeared 3-we started seeking God's will and giving God his tithe 4-God gave me the strength to lose 30 pounds 5-God decided the time was right for us. 6-I decided this wasn't about us, but about God's grace upon us.

So, this is only my thoughts. I hope no one gets mad. I hope no one says, "well I do all that and I haven't gotten my dream". Thats not the point to this. I'm saying that this is what I think was the way for US. This is how our journey came about. Don't forget that this lasted 5 long years and $50,000+. We are hard headed and it took us a long time to get to the place we needed to be. But all of it prepared us for the place we needed to be in order for US to be parents. I prayed many times that if I wasn't going to be a parent, for God to please take the desire away. He never did. I then prayed that if I was to pursue ART, please guide us in the way we should go. When we got to the second IVF, that Angel wasn't so keen on, Angel felt a peace about it, as did I. We moved on even after the second "perfect IVF" was a failure. But wait, it wasn't a failure, because we had our embryos frozen and I didn't have really the faith that it would work. I truly didn't. But God loves to prove me wrong.

I don't write this to tell anyone what to do, I write this as a documentation of my feelings and hope in some way it can help someone. I can't tell anyone to keep going, its a long difficult journey whether it lasts 6 months or 6 years. And I am in no way in the home stretch. I've just enjoyed this time being preggo and feeling that God has blessed us. He didn't forget us. He was just preparing us. Its my perspective on things. All will not agree. And that is fine.

Another resource that helped, THIS BOOK. Showed me that FET is a real means to having a child.

I wish you all a blessed day and a renewed spirit within our Savior.

Can I have some anxiety with that fear?

I seriously find myself STILL in fear about this kiddo. Every twinge, every yawn, everything makes me run to Dr Google or my 3 books. I don't feel like I've graduated from being infertile, I don't feel like I've graduated from the RE, I feel like I'm in limbo.

The RE let me go last week, however, I couldn't see the OB until next week, so I had to go in today for P4 blood work. While I was there, I was telling them about my lower back pain that I've been experiencing which prompted a urine test. It came back positive for white blood cells which could indicate an infection. Okay, so I can take that. But seriously, I've been thinking now for almost 36 hours that the lower back pain I was feeling was a miscarriage. So the true question is WHY can't I allow myself to be happy and enjoy this time?

I can go into the spiritual aspect of this, but I know what I need to do. Its just telling my hard headed self to do it. I can tell you that this is a constant struggle with me. I give it to God, I snatch it back. Do I think He isn't equipped to do it? I think its that I can't (yet) relinquish the power to Him fully. I have learned, in my age of wisdom (ha!), that things work out when I finally relinquish the power. So why don't I do it? Why do I need constant reassurance from EVERYONE that this is going to go okay?

One possible answer- Im in hormone hell! I'm all over the place. I'm crabby and bi*chy one minute and joyous smiles the next. Angel just comes in the house and puts his hands over his head and says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" like on a roller coaster. So that just makes me mad, and I want to put the smack down on him.

TWO- I'm going to really miss my girls at the RE office. What am I going to do without their smiling faces and concern, babying ME!? Knowing that these ladies truly love their jobs and want to help me. It is the longest relationship with a physician and office that I've ever had. I have spoken to them once a week forever. It is a sad apron string to break.

Three- I did find out that my first OB appointment will involve an ultrasound. I called to see if Angel might need to be there, and they said yes. So if I can hold out until next Wednesday to see my lil Sticky Bun, I'll be doing well. HOW am I going to be assured that s/he is doing well?

ANSWER- I'm going to have to shut my brain up and trust God. Trust that He is running this show, which I know He is.

I just read Chelle's post and it reminded me how many times I saw women in blog land get pg and I was so happy for them, yet sad for me. I think that is okay. I think I still feel 99% like that girl at Christmas, the one that was sad because I wasn't experiencing the joy that I thought I would at that time because there was a void. A void that was brought on by the chemical pregnancy that had taken place the previous October. But what that 1% of me figured out was that this is my life, and this is how my life is supposed to go.

I equate this experience like when I got married. I loved the whole planning process, all 8 months of it. I planned each minute of the day, and when it finally got here, I just said, if something goes wrong, I won't be able to change a thing. The important thing now is that at the end of the day, I'm going to be married to the love of my life, and that is the ultimate goal. So maybe I'm supposed to go through these fears and anxiety about this process. Maybe I'm supposed to reconcile it in my own mind to prepare me for some part of parenting? Maybe I went through 5 years of this junk, just for this moment right..... HERE! Maybe I'm not completely comfortable with the fact that my dream is possibly becoming a reality. I'm sure this will take many more hours of pondering and wondering, WHAT IF?! But right now, I'm thinking that I should just take each moment as a gift and cherish it. I'm not promised tomorrow, so I have to live for today. Hard morsel to swallow, I assure you. Do I think I'm out of the woods? No way! I'm just starting my trek INTO the woods. Do I think I'm some sort of expert on this, NO POSSIBLE WAY! There are many more veterans that have come before me and will come after me that have so much more to add.

ps- The RE office just called to say that they transferred my files to my OB office. I asked about the possible UTI and they said it was a good chance with the lower back pain that is what is going on. I said, Please assure me that nothing else is going on? She told me to relax (the first time it was okay for someone to say that to me without threat of a punch in the nose) and that everything indicated everything was fine. I got the ole "95%" thing again, that the RE told me last week about my chances being very good that we would have a take home baby. I'm breathing a little easier... now.

Wanna see Sticky Bun?

I am still in awe, like I'm the first person to ever have a kid. Can you imagine if you weren't able to have ultrasound? It wasn't that long ago. I can't imagine waiting to find out the if its a Girl Sticky or a Boy Sticky. Not that I care, but I'm a serious planner.
We went to the baby super store this weekend. Ummmm, it was TOTALLY overwhelming. SO MUCH STUFF to choose from. Too much actually. Although we had fun OOOoooing and AAhhhing over the cutsie stuff. The whole stroller, crib, bedding, high chair dilemma was enough to make me not sleep last night. ALTHOUGH I don't sleep on Sunday nights anyway, guess I dread work too much. The really overly happy dude that followed us around was all, MOM this and MOM that. Yeah, I'm not really READY for all that dude. Although he was helpful with an armful of brochures that Angel really loves. I told Angel that it was his job to research the right car seat, stroller and high chair. Does Hum_Mer make all that stuff? He wants it armor plated so nothing can penetrate the atmosphere around the kiddo. I'm thinking that he will lighten up, or else we will have to invest in a 55 gallon drum of hand sanitizer.
When I had this ultrasound, Angel couldn't go with me. But this lil booger was doing the hula! It was so cute to watch. I'm thinking that when s/he gets older, it will be a dance on my bladder! I am still apprehensive about going to the OB next week. I just know they are going to treat me like any other preggo that walks through the door. Yeah, I'm not the normal preggo. I went through hell to get this far. Maybe I just have some weird preconceived notions about how it will go. Won't it be the same as the RE, 1- get blood 2- get pee 3- spread your legs. Maybe I'll make some awesome connections there, like I did at the RE. I'm going to try to look on the bright side of this.
Just wanted to share a little bit of Sticky with ya'll. Have a great week!

Dodging Bullets

I've got some random thoughts I thought I'd share. Its easier than paragraphs, so here are the bullets...

• The RE let me go. I can't believe it. I wasn't prepared for it. Its like leaving a safe haven. Guess thats why its taken me a couple days to write about it. They have spoiled me so much with 24 hour care and same day blood results. I know when I go to my OB in another two weeks, it won't be like that. I'll have to fight all over again for good healthcare. Makes me sad.
• My last progesterone dropped from 24.1 to 14.4. I don't like that. They said it was OKAY and they were still pleased with me being on the yeastie-fied Endo MET rin and I'm still in the dilemma about switching back to Cr IN one and the whole in my blood stream thing. So both ENDO and CRIN aren't fully measurable in blood serum. But studies show, the levels are actually 6-10 times greater than in the serum where it needs to be, close to Sticky Bun. RE says she doesn't care either way. Nurse Practitioner and IVF Nurse Coordinator don't want me to switch. Lets just hope that there is only a few more weeks of this and my P4 continues to do well. Also, the subchorionic hemmorhage hasn't grown and although they will monitor it, the RE isn't "worried" about it. PHEW!
  
• When the RE let me go, she said I had a 95% shot at a "take home baby". I am not sure how I feel about that statistic. Part of me is like 95%, WHOA thats awesome. But then the IFer in me is like 5%.... 5%..... I pray that God gives me peace about that 5% and I know who is in charge of that 95%.
  
• Angel is being, well... an Angel. He brings me my decaff coffee in the morning while Im getting dressed. He is really taking care of me. I saw such excitement in his eyes when I showed him Sticky's pic from the last u/s that he wasn't able to attend. He wanted to know EVERYTHING about it. The joy is unimaginable for both of us.
  
• I'm almost 9 weeks preggo, and NOW I start morning sickness. Yep, thats my whacko body for ya. I'll take it though, makes me feel like its more real. I am amazed at how I'm just not able to do the things I was doing just a few short weeks ago. I tire out SO EASILY. I guess gestating is hard work.
  
• I'm coming to the realization that I'm not going to be one of those pretty little preggo girls with the pretty little tummys. OH NO. I'm going to look more like a beached whale. There is already more of me to love, but this is going to be OFF THE HOOK!
  
• My father in law has a pond, he's been telling me how awesome the fishing is right now. Do you think its okay to bait my hook with worms and stuff right now? I CANT WAIT to get out there and go fishing. And you just can't fish unless you can bait your own hook! A friend of mine was telling me that I can't play in potting soil unless I wear gloves. Am I going to have to glove up to bait my hook? Do you think worm stuff is harmful?
• Im so optimistic about the BFP's in blog-land. We have all prayed for good results, and its wonderful how we see this all coming to fruition. For those out there that are on their umpteenth treatment, all I can say is after 5 years and $50,000.... the answer is YES, its worth it. And even if that 5% becomes that 5%, I'm still so thankful to have this much joy. I'm finally allowing myself to be joyful, and it feels great!
  

Special Day

Hi Ya'll, Its my 32nd birthday. Can I tell you how weird that sounds? 32?!!?!? Yep, thats me. But something is definitely different this year. I got my birthday wish way early. And it is still so surreal. Sorry that I haven't written in awhile. Seems like time is a blur.
Today I'm 8 weeks and 2 days. Last friday, we saw arm flappers, leg buds, heartbeat, spine, etc. We also saw an unwanted Subchorionic Hemmorhage. I actually know a little about this, thanks to JJ. So I wasn't a complete dummy when she pointed it out on the ultrasound. We didn't go into too much detail about it. It didn't look like JJ's though. Evidently it is right behind Sticky Bun, you need a trained eye to see it. I haven't had any bleeding from it, so far. I have an appointment for another ultrasound tomorrow and a lookie see with the RE. I've been communicating via nurses and nurse practitioners. So it will be good to see her. Although Angel cannot come, he has to work. BUMMER. So I've got to take some GOOD NOTES! I don't know if she will let me go. With my progesterone issues, I doubt it. I think she will keep me for at least another 2 weeks.
So the progesterone seems to be in a good range, last was 24.1 and they like it around 25. I'm on the Endometrin now, which continues to make this yeastie RAGE. I'm exhausted from the pain and discomfort the yeastie has caused, but I can't take the chance in changing the progesterone. So looks like I have to live with it. Maybe for ... oh gosh, who knows how long.
I got so teary this morning. I picked out my outfit, then said I know just the jewelry to wear today. I picked up my ring that my Daddy gave me when I graduated high school. Also I picked up my cross that he gave me for my 10th birthday. It has 10 tiny rubies and one diamond in the middle "to grow on". I remember and still love my Daddy so much. I know he is always with me in my heart. I hope that he is in heaven looking down on me today. If Sticky Bun is a boy, he will be named after my two favorite guys, My Daddy and My Angel. If its a girl, I have a combo name of a lot of women that I admire, all put together.
I still don't feel out of the woods on all this. We've had super news about things, blood work, estrogen, keeping the P4 in check, endometrium looking good, all the kiddo parts growing nicely... I'm guessing until I get that kid in my arms, I won't really breathe the sigh of relief. I'll keep saying this, but I know a lot about GETTING pregnant, just not really how to BE pregnant. I'll get used to it, I suppose. I'm hoping that my worry doesn't consume me so much that I cannot enjoy it.

Unbelievable!

This is clearly a bill that was brought about by people that know NOTHING about IF or how ART works. Or maybe they do, to which I say that this is seriously scary... I might not have this pregnancy had this law been enacted in my state.

SEE Stirrup Queen's to know what the heck I'm talking about.

Where was I...

I've had many thoughts running around in my head. Here are a few, and and update.

My p4 has risen as of last friday to 29.8. They want it to be above 25, so we are right on target. But along with this new hoo hoo pill, came a lovely yeastie infection. I cannot take the yeastie pill, I have to do the ole standby yuckie stuff. Needless to say, I'm still suffering with this. I have a call into the nurse to see if it should be persisting this long. Poor Angel asked how long I'd be "out of commission". At least he didn't say, "When can I get some action?"

Every Sunday, I'm thanking God extra for giving us another week of joy with this little one. Sunday is THE day of supposed conception, if you take out the frozen part. I do thank Him everyday, almost every MOMENT of everyday. But Sunday is a special time. I remember praying on Wednesday's for JJ's special day, every week that she has her special lil' man and now he's HERE!

I know its not original, but I have taken to calling our miracle, "Sticky Bun". I always liked the term BUN IN THE OVEN and for some odd reason, I can't say the P word. Its easier for me to say "knocked up". My friend IRL says that its probably some subconscious thing that back in the day (probably a southern thing) it wasn't really appropriate to say the P word in mixed company. I think that can be some of it. Anyway, so our bun in the oven and we want it to STICKKKKKKKKKKKK! Plus, who doesn't love the gooey goodness of a sticky bun that has been nuked for 10 seconds or so to the point where the sugar stuff and the pseudo cinnamon is melding together?? All the way around, STICKY BUN just makes me happy. So thats it!

3/21/08- that is the day I started this blog. But that in no way was the beginning of our IF journey. It has been close to 5 years for that. I made rookie mistakes, for sure. I'm not even a power blogger, what that actually is, I'm not sure. But, I can honestly say that I've never been THIS far. Today I am 7 weeks 1 day. It is still surreal. I will always count as my blessings the people that came before me and poured their hearts out onto their blogs that I read for hours on end. I saw disappointment, heartache, joy, excitement, happiness, elation, and I couldn't forget the humor. Definitely more good than bad, and honestly that's what has kept me going. I used to see this as the end of the world, but because of those pioneers that came before me, I now see this as a door to a whole new world. All of your support has been and continues to be invaluable.

So with that being said, I'm not leaving, just opening my heart and hopefully letting ya'll know how much your love, support, and prayers have meant to me. I've got a long row to hoe, I'm going to need all of you still.