I seriously find myself STILL in fear about this kiddo. Every twinge, every yawn, everything makes me run to Dr Google or my 3 books. I don't feel like I've graduated from being infertile, I don't feel like I've graduated from the RE, I feel like I'm in limbo.
The RE let me go last week, however, I couldn't see the OB until next week, so I had to go in today for P4 blood work. While I was there, I was telling them about my lower back pain that I've been experiencing which prompted a urine test. It came back positive for white blood cells which could indicate an infection. Okay, so I can take that. But seriously, I've been thinking now for almost 36 hours that the lower back pain I was feeling was a miscarriage. So the true question is WHY can't I allow myself to be happy and enjoy this time?
I can go into the spiritual aspect of this, but I know what I need to do. Its just telling my hard headed self to do it. I can tell you that this is a constant struggle with me. I give it to God, I snatch it back. Do I think He isn't equipped to do it? I think its that I can't (yet) relinquish the power to Him fully. I have learned, in my age of wisdom (ha!), that things work out when I finally relinquish the power. So why don't I do it? Why do I need constant reassurance from EVERYONE that this is going to go okay?
One possible answer- Im in hormone hell! I'm all over the place. I'm crabby and bi*chy one minute and joyous smiles the next. Angel just comes in the house and puts his hands over his head and says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" like on a roller coaster. So that just makes me mad, and I want to put the smack down on him.
TWO- I'm going to really miss my girls at the RE office. What am I going to do without their smiling faces and concern, babying ME!? Knowing that these ladies truly love their jobs and want to help me. It is the longest relationship with a physician and office that I've ever had. I have spoken to them once a week forever. It is a sad apron string to break.
Three- I did find out that my first OB appointment will involve an ultrasound. I called to see if Angel might need to be there, and they said yes. So if I can hold out until next Wednesday to see my lil Sticky Bun, I'll be doing well. HOW am I going to be assured that s/he is doing well?
ANSWER- I'm going to have to shut my brain up and trust God. Trust that He is running this show, which I know He is.
I just read Chelle's post and it reminded me how many times I saw women in blog land get pg and I was so happy for them, yet sad for me. I think that is okay. I think I still feel 99% like that girl at Christmas, the one that was sad because I wasn't experiencing the joy that I thought I would at that time because there was a void. A void that was brought on by the chemical pregnancy that had taken place the previous October. But what that 1% of me figured out was that this is my life, and this is how my life is supposed to go.
I equate this experience like when I got married. I loved the whole planning process, all 8 months of it. I planned each minute of the day, and when it finally got here, I just said, if something goes wrong, I won't be able to change a thing. The important thing now is that at the end of the day, I'm going to be married to the love of my life, and that is the ultimate goal. So maybe I'm supposed to go through these fears and anxiety about this process. Maybe I'm supposed to reconcile it in my own mind to prepare me for some part of parenting? Maybe I went through 5 years of this junk, just for this moment right..... HERE! Maybe I'm not completely comfortable with the fact that my dream is possibly becoming a reality. I'm sure this will take many more hours of pondering and wondering, WHAT IF?! But right now, I'm thinking that I should just take each moment as a gift and cherish it. I'm not promised tomorrow, so I have to live for today. Hard morsel to swallow, I assure you. Do I think I'm out of the woods? No way! I'm just starting my trek INTO the woods. Do I think I'm some sort of expert on this, NO POSSIBLE WAY! There are many more veterans that have come before me and will come after me that have so much more to add.
ps- The RE office just called to say that they transferred my files to my OB office. I asked about the possible UTI and they said it was a good chance with the lower back pain that is what is going on. I said, Please assure me that nothing else is going on? She told me to relax (the first time it was okay for someone to say that to me without threat of a punch in the nose) and that everything indicated everything was fine. I got the ole "95%" thing again, that the RE told me last week about my chances being very good that we would have a take home baby. I'm breathing a little easier... now.