Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Friday, March 27, 2009

First OB appt, etc.

I've been incredibly busy, but thats no excuse to leave my fellow bloggers out of the loop. Here's an update.

Saw the Ob for the first time Wednesday. We waited an hour and a half before we went back. When we first went in, we saw the insurance lady and it was like buying a car. She shoved papers in my face, talked real fast, then we moved on to more paperwork that we had to fill out. It is going to cost $2200 for a vaginal delivery and $2500 for a csection. So I freaked, THEN she said but your insurance covers 100% so you don't even have a copay for the doctor. AWESOME!! The only copay should be the hospital stay which is $100. What a blessing!

Next,we saw a nurse type person, another FAST TALKER, that asked how I was feeling (nausea, vomiting, constipation,etc) but didn't EVEN WAIT for a response. WHAT UP WIT DAT?! She took my blood pressure and it was 100/60. WHOA thats low. But she said not for a preggo. Okay, got to get used to that. Couple of questions then she highlighted DIABETIC on my form. I was like, NO I"M NOT DIABETIC. Then I had to, like I always do with people NOT familiar with Endocrine Disorders, fight about the difference between insulin resistance and diabetes. I think Angel was pretty impressed with my fight. Hey, I do it for a living! I got this! For a moment I remembered, this is the part I hate about going to the dr. I'm NOT A COOKIE CUTTER. I have issues, and they are NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSES!!

Then we got to see "Sticky" on the ultrasound. It was a dinosaur machine and fairly hard to make out, but the OB was thrilled to see everything progressing and said it all looked fine. One of the reasons why I went to this RE is that its a smaller office than the other outfit in town with 15 drs, this one has 3. Secondly, the OB I chose has been where I've been with IF. So she asked if I was nervous, I said UNCONTROLLABLY. She said I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I believed her. She said she wants to see me next Thursday again. So that made me think, does she want to see me because she thinks something's wrong, or does she just want to ease my mind and knows how well I've been treated at the RE seeing "Sticky" every week? I'm hoping the latter. I think I was so overwhelmed that I forgot my list of questions and was just all over the place. I'll have a chance to catch up at the next visit, I hope.

I think next week, I'll bust out with the news at work. It is a friend's birthday and the group will go to lunch to celebrate. A confidant at work, one that I've told our secret to, said it would be a perfect time and it won't diminish from the birthday celebration, something I was worried about.

Another issue been on my mind is my sorrow for fellow IF'ers out there that haven't gotten their BFP's this go around. I truly feel undeserving of this gift. It should be someone else. But then I think that I too have seen so many have kids over the years and I had my ups and downs and I kept fighting. None of us know if this will work, but we continue to gamble with our emotions, pride, and money to attain a dream. I don't know why some experience it and some don't. But in my case, I think all the disappointment, Ups and downs, crying, yelling, hugging, dispair, was all for a purpose. None of it was in vain. It prepared us for something greater down the road. I truly believe that the difference this time was because of several things, none of which involved RELAXING! 1-I started praying specifically for a child 2- I prayed "The Prayer of Jabez" 1Chronicals44:9-10. Just like I did when I decided I wanted a husband, and he appeared 3-we started seeking God's will and giving God his tithe 4-God gave me the strength to lose 30 pounds 5-God decided the time was right for us. 6-I decided this wasn't about us, but about God's grace upon us.

So, this is only my thoughts. I hope no one gets mad. I hope no one says, "well I do all that and I haven't gotten my dream". Thats not the point to this. I'm saying that this is what I think was the way for US. This is how our journey came about. Don't forget that this lasted 5 long years and $50,000+. We are hard headed and it took us a long time to get to the place we needed to be. But all of it prepared us for the place we needed to be in order for US to be parents. I prayed many times that if I wasn't going to be a parent, for God to please take the desire away. He never did. I then prayed that if I was to pursue ART, please guide us in the way we should go. When we got to the second IVF, that Angel wasn't so keen on, Angel felt a peace about it, as did I. We moved on even after the second "perfect IVF" was a failure. But wait, it wasn't a failure, because we had our embryos frozen and I didn't have really the faith that it would work. I truly didn't. But God loves to prove me wrong.

I don't write this to tell anyone what to do, I write this as a documentation of my feelings and hope in some way it can help someone. I can't tell anyone to keep going, its a long difficult journey whether it lasts 6 months or 6 years. And I am in no way in the home stretch. I've just enjoyed this time being preggo and feeling that God has blessed us. He didn't forget us. He was just preparing us. Its my perspective on things. All will not agree. And that is fine.

Another resource that helped, THIS BOOK. Showed me that FET is a real means to having a child.

I wish you all a blessed day and a renewed spirit within our Savior.


Patricia said...

I'm just sobbing as I read and write because, well, that's what I do when it comes to this issue. I'm honestly so relieved and happy for you that your prayers have been answered in a way that is bringing you your heart's desire.

You also have a true compassion for those of us left behind and I get that, too.

I have prayed many similar prayers, especially the part about God just removing this incredibly deep yearning from my heart. I know that His timing is perfect, period. I tend to run with that and overthink everything. (Shocking, I know.)

It sounds like a joyful thing to tell your coworkers, I hope it's tons of fun and that you receive a lot of support.

The book sounds like a good suggestion. I followed the link and it is unavailable now but I'll check a library or other store.

Sorry to hijack your comments.

Perri said...

Hollie, I just finished praying that you QUIT feeling undeserving and instead can rejoice in the miracle.

Chelle said...

You SO deserve this!... We all do, but I am right there with you wondering why it's finally happening to me and not some of the other ladies.


I am happy that your OB is going to get you in again so soon! It is probably just to keep you sane!! I hope mine does the same thing!

Soapchick said...

I agree, stop feeling guilty. No need - I'll be pregnant in less than 2 months - I just know it! Enjoy this time.