Humbled and blessed

That is the only way to describe this feeling. I am amazed that my OHSS is being kept at bay. I'm amazed that I made it to the day I had been dreaming about for so long, TRANSFER DAY! I'm so thankful that we had not only 2 beautiful embies to transfer, but we had 6 to freeze! I'm so blessed that Angel has really been an amazing man, husband, and friend in the last few weeks. I'm most blessed to see God working so boldly in our lives right now. Leaves me at a loss for words....

I used to think that all this was work. For me, now, I see it as a journey. One that I am thankful that I have taken. I'm glad its behind me, but better having experienced it. If the outcome is positive, of course I will be overjoyed! If it is negative, I will cry 'til the tears won't fall anymore. Either way, I'm just blessed to be where I am right now, right this very minute. I'm loved, I'm healthy, and I am happy. I feel like I got my degree in IF! The cap is being tossed as I type!



Thanks to all of you for your help and encouragement. It has all meant so much. After each step, I just had to rush to get to the blog to tell all my pals about what happened. Thank you isn't enough.

Sheer Amazement!

Thank you for all the comments and notes of encouragement. They are all such a blessing.

I'm incredibly upbeat today. Yesterday, I tried to go to work. It took me 2 hours to get ready. But I went. I stayed for a whopping 2 hours, and my boss told me to go home. On my way home, the nurse called. We had 16 embies yesterday all dividing well. Then I told her about my symptoms and she said I should come to the office today so we could get a baseline idea of how bad the OHSS could/would be. So I napped yesterday, ate lots of protein, limited my fluid intake, and today I feel better.

We still went into the office this morning. Got all checked out. Haven't heard from the bloodwork, but I feel better and the ultrasound didn't show anything that lead them to believe I shouldn't go ahead with the transfer on Sunday, as planned. My ins and outs are still pretty much equal, thanks to the increased protein. That will keep me breathing well. Its a chore, but its SO WORTH IT!

While I was in the office, the nurse called and left today's fertilization report on my voice mail. Here is the kicker! Yesterday, we had 16 embies. Today we have 17! One caught up with the others! OMG!! Never in a million years did I expect an increase. All I can say is that its a miracle. There is no rhyme or reason, only God. I don't know why, but I'll take whatever He decides to give us.

My BHcG will be 2 days after our 6th anniversary. I've just now been able to actually look that far ahead. I think we might actually make it. We are so close.... please God, Give us your blessings.

Fertilization Report, #1

hey Ya'll,
I had 29 eggs aspirated yesterday. Out of 29, 26 were mature. All of those were ICSI'd. Out of those, 16 are "fertilizing correctly". Its possible (so they say) that there might be more and they are a little behind. The Embryologist only looks at them once a day, so that they can leave them alone to do their thing. I'm excited and so grateful. Its almost unreal. I know it is still very early, so much can still happen, for the good and the bad. Just trying not to get too far ahead of myself. STILL taking it one day at a time.
As for the hyperstim situation, I'm not out of the woods. Evidently it can start as early as retrieval day but peaks at 7dp retrieval. I'm slightly short of breath and have gained 3 pounds. Thankfully, I'm still urinating and just feel a bit worn out. We always knew I would have OHSS, we are just trying to minimize the symptoms.
I will report when I know more. It means so much to me that I can share this with such wonderful people that really care. Thank you isn't enough, but THANK YOU.

Second Verse, much like the first

ER went well. I got 29 eggs, don't know how many were mature. We will find out tomorrow of course how many fertilized.
We left the house this morning at 5am. Uneventful drive 2 1/2 hours. We got to the RE office. She said "Sign In". Okay, so we did. She said "so you are here for cryoscreen bloodwork, go to the lab". I said "No, I'm here for Egg Retrieval". Long story short, I was fairly disappointed several times at the clinic today. Seemed like the Mickey Mouse club. Things just didn't go smoothly with paperwork and made me second guess things because there were so many little simple mistakes. When $10,000 and our future children are on the line, makes me a bit upset if they drop the ball. I know they do it every day, but TODAY was MY day! Also, something was weird with the anesthetic. I felt EVERYTHING. I was totally coherent and every time she plucked or poked, I felt it, BIG TIME! What made me the most upset was that before we went in, I said that last time, I "woke up" twice and felt the pain. They assured me that they were using a different anesthetic and it wouldn't happen again. Obviously I wasn't in any kind of state to raise heck about it, but you better believe I'm going to have a talk with the RE about it.
I'm hurting a bit in my abdomen, but I believe it is to be expected. I'm going to take the day off tomorrow and rest these ovaries. Should hear the fertilization report tomorrow by noon. I'm excited to hear for sure.
Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and prayers. You will never know how much I appreciate them all.

Retrieval Tomorrow

Hi Ya'll,
Quick update. My ER is tomorrow. I'm nervous, obviously. Just one step closer to where I got derailed last go around. I'm praying that my follies contain good eggs and that they fertilize. I hate all this "what if" stuff. I will let ya'll know whats going on when I get home tomorrow, if I'm feeling like firing up the ole 'puter.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Keep them up.

Fun with Follicles

Well ended up I had to go to the "big" office 2.5 hrs away this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound. The satellite office I usually go to isn't open on weekends. No big thing except for the 6th day in a row, I've had to get up around 5am. That doesn't make Hollie a happy camper.
The day started off with a bang. I rolled over, said to myself,"Hey I need to pee. Get up." Then I looked at the clock. Hmmmm 5:35.... hmmmm I'm supposed to be up at 5am, I have a dr appt today. CRAP! I set the alarm wrong! I shot out of bed. Zooming through my morning routine, out the door in record time. Drove 2.5 hours and arrived 5 min before my appt time. WHEW!!
So I've got about 15-18 follies on each ovary. The right one caught up with the left. All are averaging 1.4-1.7cm. My Estradiol is a wee smidgen under 3000, so I've got to go back to the "big office" tomorrow to get another ultrasound and blood work. Maybe I will trigger Monday? Angel is working this weekend, so I have to go it alone. The RN said today that I'm having a "great IVF cycle." Okay, I'll take that. They also lowered my meds again. NICE!
Little bit of the "not so great" part of IVF. I'm super tired, but unable to really rest. I get HOT at the drop of a hat. I sweat on my scalp. My back pain/aches come and go. When I walk, I feel like I'm holding two boulders, one on each hip. With every motion, with every step, I'm reminded that I am incubating bookoodles of eggs. Let me also add that I feel 10,000 times better than I ever did with the last protocol. I can live with this one.
Sometimes it feels like it was just days ago we were planning to come off BCP(May 2004), then at other times it feels like forever. It feels like yesterday (January 2008) that we were coming off our BFN FET and deciding that weight loss would help. I decided to embark on a weight loss journey. So here I am, 6 months later, a lean & mean egg making machine! This cycle seemed so slow. Now I can't keep enough gas in the car going back and forth to the RE's. Exciting and scary all at the same time. I know that you gals can relate. Somewhere along this twisted path, I've kept the faith and hope that we will be parents one day. Please Lord, help us to be the parents we so desperately want to be. Keep us safe and give us peace that only you can.

Stim day 5

Had my u/s and bloodwork done yesterday. Estrogen is already above 1000 at 1040. They lowered my meds. I've got about 30 on my left ovary that are popping out with about half of them starting to grow. On my right, I have about 17 follies with about half of them growing. Largest ones are about 1.2cm-1.4cm, lining is good at 0.8cm. I go tomorrow to get checked again. We are looking at Wednesday 24th for possible ER. Still feeling good and trying to take this one day at a time. Definitely getting fatigued, but I've run several marathons at work this week. Getting sore around my belly.
Angel is being so supportive and sweet. I think I'll keep him! ;)

Ya'll have a great weekend. I'll be burning up the highway!

Freak OUT!!

Well they said I would either have a period or not, whatever was fine. So Mildred, as I like to call Auntee flo, arrived on Friday. Just in time for my wonderful weekend plans with Angel. When I went in on Wednesday, Nurse Practitioner (I'm going to have to come up with a really great name for her), said that if I did see Mildred, it wouldn't be that much because I had a thin endometrium. Ummmm well, lets just say, thats not so much the case.
Well I was at peace with this until I got a call this morning. I had left a message on the IVF hotline saying that I got Mildred on Friday and didn't know if they wanted to know, but thought I would call just in case. Janeane (we will call her Janeane after Janeane Garofalo because she is very DRY) the IVF nurse called. She said, okay tell me about it. Well I've not spoken this much in depth about a period, EVER! She said not to leave any details out. Mid way through the conversation, I got this sinking feeling like if I said the wrong thing, she would derail my cycle, call it a bust, and I just took my first STIM SHOT last night!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
She said, after I spilled every ounce of information I could about Mildred, that she would speak with the doc and get back with me. Possible that she would want me to take some extra estrogen or .... and I cut her off. I said I will wait to hear from you.
Just got the call. WHEW! What a relief! RE said that it is fine. We are early in stimming and that I have plenty of time to build up an endometrium, even if I bleed for another 3-4 days. I'm evidently going to stim at least 8-10 days.
So dodged a BULLET with that one! I just thought, how in the world could I be out of this cycle and only this far into it? BAFFLING!! Thank goodness all is still rolling on. I feel good about this cycle. I feel differently than I have in the past. I feel like I am more calm. Lets see how I feel in 10 days! ;) Maybe doesn't sound like it with this post, but I can actually think about other things this go around. I didn't tick tock away the evening last night waiting for my shot time to roll around. I don't feel as crappy yet either. I am on a different protocol. I am doing Lupron and Stims at the same time. Weird huh? Just trying to avoid the OHSS. I do believe that the weight loss has helped. And maybe even the push at work is helping to keep my mind off things too.
So where as I think things are horrible, 99 times out of 100 they end up being blessings. WHY do I freak out so fast? Even though I'm able to go about my daily routine better this time doesn't mean that I don't know how much this is costing us emotionally, financially, and physically. I talked to Angel briefly about the possibility that this could be negative. I asked him that on the day that we find out, if it is negative, please don't tell me we can't do it again. He reluctantly said yes to this go around. He is very worried about me and how bad I got with the OHSS. I gained so much weight and didn't urinate. He was afraid that my kidneys would shut down. That is the downfall of having an ICU Nurse as a husband. THEY SEE TOO MUCH JUNK! Everyone he'd ever seen in that situation didn't make it back. It is hard for him to see me hurting. I know he wants some resolution to this. Oh please God, Please let this be our time. Please God, keep my body safe and healthy and allow me to be the mother that you would have me to be.

My America

I have had a weird feeling all day. One of somber remembrance of the world as it was 7 years ago. This post really got me thinking.
This morning, I was getting ready for work. It was an unusually good hair and make up day. I had a good cup of coffee, good breakfast, slurps and wiggles from the dogs and off I went. I heard on the radio that they were going to have a moment of silence at the same time that the first plane hit the first tower. By that time, my mind had gone back in time. I found myself remembering where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, and my heart broke all over again. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I pulled off the interstate. My beautiful make up job was in the toilet, or actually in an emergency fast food napkin that I had between the seats.
I'm sure everyone remembers where they were and how they found out about the attacks. It is etched in our memories. For hours, while I was struggling to try to work and drown out the TV news reports, I refused to see it on the tv. I heard all about it. I heard others talking about it. But I didn't want to actually SEE it. Finally, I gave in. Late that afternoon, when there were few around, I watched. It was unreal. Like a sci fi movie.
I wont forget the first time I heard the national anthem after 9-11-01. I won't forget the first time I saw a flag flying at half mast the next day. I won't forget the stories of those close to family and friends that were effected by this tragedy. I won't forget the feeling of pride that I felt in our country when people of all races, shapes, and creeds bound together at churches or temples to worship and comfort each other. I've never seen it in person but on tv, when I see a plane take off from an aircraft carrier, I get this warm fuzzy feeling inside. THAT is my America. Land of the free, home of the BRAVE. People that can set aside all the differences and help their fellow man. People that come together for a common cause. People, seemingly playing a small part as their cog in the wheel, seeing that they are part of something bigger.
If anything came out of 9-11, I would hope it is camaraderie. I pray it continues and grows stronger. I pray that people can put their differences aside and see that we can live in harmony. This is a beautiful, wonderful place. But America is only as strong as the people that call themselves American.
When I drove past our little airport this morning, there was a small plane circling, getting ready to land. Pre- 9-11, I wouldn't have given it another thought. I found myself watching and waiting to see what was going to happen.

Baby in a box

I got my meds yesterday. I had them sent to work since I was worried about them getting hot sitting outside at the house AND my lovely dog Daisy that has been on a chewing spree. Makes me shudder to think what might have happened. Well my student saw on the outside, "REFRIGERATE" so she opened the box and put the stuff in the refrigerator, just like she has been told to do. I get back from lunch and she was looking at me a bit funny. So I spilled the beans and said "I guess you figured out our little secret". She was sweet and played dumb, but who could avoid the giant letters INSERT VA.G. InALLY ONLY. Also all the scripts had my name on them. But I was very vague. She was sweet about it and left it alone. I was thankful for that.
I was on my way home with my box sitting on the seat next to me. I started thinking about all the possibilities these meds could represent. They could possibly make me so sick, I would have to go back to the hospital. (can ya'll tell I'm scared to death of this? 5 days of hospitilization with OHSS is NO FUN) Or best case scenario, they could provide the answers to our dreams of having a child of our own. I dreamed about my "baby in a box" the rest of the way home. I chose to think of a positive side, instead of a negative.
Today I had my supression check. All was well. Good ole polycystic ovaries with nothing else to really outstanding. Nothing to keep me from proceeding. I have to admit, it seemed more real today. I wrote the big check. I don't part with money well. But reconcilled it within myself before even leaving the parking lot.
Then I got to work. My boss knows of all of our struggles. She has been amazingly supportive. I've been asking and telling her all about this for months now saying this is the time we are going to do this in hopes that we can prepare things for when I will be gone. I got all sort of upset when she dropped several bombs on me about things that needed to be done, and NOW. I have been in a tizzy all day. I've just now calmed down after accomplishing a ton this afternoon and just decided not to get in a huff, I'll just take it day by day and do my best. I say that now, but wait until I'm all pumped up on stims!!
Just trying TRYING TRYING to keep positive and keep going. Thanks to all that comment. On yesterday's post, it might not have been clear. But I have tried to prepare things at the house (like a full pantry) so that if I don't feel like going to the grocery, I don't have to go. But just to clarify, mayonnaise is a very important staple in our household!

JUMPING OFF POINT

Here I sit at the jumping off point. Wednesday is my suppression check, the day I have to write the BIG CHECK, and the day I get my reality check. Yes, I am going to subject my body to all this poking and prodding. I am going in this knowing that I will get OHSS, just to what extent, we don't know. I have a freezer full of pre-cooked goodies so all I have to do is put them in the oven. I have a pantry full of green beans and we have enough ketchup and mayonnaise to open up a small grocery.
I told a good friend of mine that I'm excited, anxious, nervous, petrified, hopeful, and ready to claw someone's eyes out for smiling at me ALL at the same time. What really scares me is that all I've been doing is the noovah ring, so this is pretty much all me. I can't blame it on the hormones yet.
I put my retrieval date into a Du.e D*ate Ca..Lculator, cmon, you know you've done it. June. June is the month. June is a good month. UH OH... here comes the butterflies in my tummy again... AAHAHAHHAAAAAAA!
I've been thinking about asking my nurse to do some sort of something different if its negative. But then there is this thing about getting those phone calls, after the first word, always "Hollie", you know what she is going to say. So do I want to know with the first word, or do I want to be totally type A and ask her to do something different? Eh, I don't think its so much the word as the tone she uses. Do I want to go down this road right now when all this is just starting. I should be the most hopeful RIGHT NOW!
Angel is working so very hard these days. I'm ready for him to chill out. But as I'm learning, we deal with things our way, they deal with things their way. So providing for the family is his way of contributing. CONTRIBUTE AWAY MY PRINCE!
So my job is to chill out, grow some eggies, eat right, exercise. And I have to remember to call tomorrow and get a massage appointment. I'm doing massage therapy this time rather than acupuncture. Didn't get much out of the acupuncture other than an hour nap. I'd rather have a nice nap and feel like a noodle afterwards!