Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Friday, May 16, 2008

Snap OUT of it!

Easier said than done. I can't seem to get out of this funk. When I feel like I'm pulling myself out of it, another blow. Now it is official that EVERY woman in my family that is of child bearing years is pregnant. Not to mention 11 other friends that have newborns (<3mos) or are pregnant. I'm happy, but it just brings it so close to home that this is just not going to happen for us. (I had to pause before I wrote the last part of that sentence.) Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

I had an awesome friend at work come in today. She could tell I was upset. She waited patiently while I went through all the junk, then said, "You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself". Is that it? I'm being a selfish wench. I hate selfishness. Thats what I'm doing. DAMN ME! I am so blessed. I have friends and family that love me, a good job (by most standards), a husband that adores me, I could go on and on. My friend also said that it might be time to do something else. I know, those thoughts and feelings aren't far below the surface. I also feel guilty that I wasted so much time. Time I could have been filling out adoption papers and waiting for them to be processed. Time that I could have been jumping through all the adoption hoops. My pride won't let me let go of the fact that I have to interview and apply for the job of "adoptive parent".

I think Ive skirted around this before. But when my Daddy died, I thought it was the hardest thing to swallow. But death is final. I want so badly to have my Daddy here on earth with me, but there is NO possibility of that happening. So there is room for the grief process to continue. But with this, there is always some new procedure or chance of something happening by the Grace of God. My RE said she wouldn't tell someone that its impossible with our difficulties, but <1% is pretty low. But God can do anything. That smidgen of hope won't let me move on.

I feel so in limbo. Like Ive put my life on hold for 4 years. I am usually not like this. I mean, my dealing with IF is unlike any other situation in my life. I greet adversity with open arms and squash it. This is so friggin different. I can't shake it.

So I'm now considering going back to my pshrink. Its certainly $60 I don't need to spend every week, financially speaking, but Ive got to get out of this funk.

On a good note, Angel usually doesn't know what to do when I go on a crying jag. He usually just sighs. Well last night, he did what he was supposed to do, he held me and rubbed my back. He said, I don't know what to do to make it better. I said you aren't supposed to fix it, just comfort me. I think he got it. I'm sure there will be lots of ways for him to use what he has learned. Poor thing, he has a blubbering, snotty mess for a wife these days.


Trace said...

Why don't you begin researching adoption agencies and the type of adoption you would want to pursue? Domestic, international, foster?

Or, you can get your homestudy w/out siging up with an adoption agency (there are businesses that do that). And there are agencies that don't charge upfront fees (I know of 3 and can pass on the names). You just need a valid homestudy, your profile, and proof you have a lawyer who would finalize the adoption and someone to do post placement visits (most likely the home study place).

It will make you feel proactive and like you are doing something to move forward. Plus you can do it at the same time you are pursuing fertility treatments since some agencies don't cost anything unless chosen by a birth mother. The homestudy is a one time cost. I think it's around 1000, but I don't really remember. Our homestudy update is 600.

Jendeis said...

You are NOT selfish for wanting your heart's desire. And it is indeed difficult to just snap out of it. I get much help from my therapist and I hope you get that much help from your pdoc. Yes, it'd be awesome if you didn't have to spend the money, but YOU ARE WORTH IT! Glad that DH was able to be there for you. Crying jags are often hard to deal with because it seems that even if they give comfort, you still don't feel better.

Much love and I hope you do start feeling better.

JJ said...

Making the decision to go back to a therapist earlier this year was so worth it--I ended up paying out of pocket, and once I started going it was worth every penny. Maybe go every other week?
Im glad Angel was there to rub your back--those moments are so special.
Hoping the funk/fog rises soon--you'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

soapchick said...

I would also recommend you go back to your counselor. I've been going to a therapist on and off for the past 10 years and now I consider more of a friend and spiritual advisor (even though I still pay her). It really can help.

I also use the "stop-thought" process when I get in a negative mood or I'm feeling sorry for myself. When you start to have a negative thought, just think to yourself "stop" and then replace the thought with a thought of gratitude. It takes practice, but it does work. I wish you peace.

Leah said...

You are NOT the least bit selfish. Nor do I think you are guilty of wallowing in self pity. I think you are dealing with the incredibly crappy hand of cards dealt to you in the best way you know how. IF sucks. It eats away at joy, chews away at the innocent happiness in our souls, and robs us of simple pleasures on a regular basis. Maybe that sounds extreme, but that's how I feel about it.

I'm all for going to see a therapist who will help sort out the good from the bad -- good focus, bad obessing; good grieving, bad wallowing; good progress, bad avoidance. I hope you get all that you seek from your time with the therapist.

Welcome to the Braces Bunch! I've been meaning to comment since getting the list of new folks from JJ, but have been following your blog for a few weeks now. I'll be reading and cheering you on. In the meantime, please hang in there. There are peaks and valleys in the IF journey (as you damn well know by now), and this sounds like one of the dark valleys. I'm so sorry that you are there, but glad that Angel is learning to comfort you.