Easier said than done. I can't seem to get out of this funk. When I feel like I'm pulling myself out of it, another blow. Now it is official that EVERY woman in my family that is of child bearing years is pregnant. Not to mention 11 other friends that have newborns (<3mos) or are pregnant. I'm happy, but it just brings it so close to home that this is just not going to happen for us. (I had to pause before I wrote the last part of that sentence.) Maybe I'm just fooling myself.
I had an awesome friend at work come in today. She could tell I was upset. She waited patiently while I went through all the junk, then said, "You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself". Is that it? I'm being a selfish wench. I hate selfishness. Thats what I'm doing. DAMN ME! I am so blessed. I have friends and family that love me, a good job (by most standards), a husband that adores me, I could go on and on. My friend also said that it might be time to do something else. I know, those thoughts and feelings aren't far below the surface. I also feel guilty that I wasted so much time. Time I could have been filling out adoption papers and waiting for them to be processed. Time that I could have been jumping through all the adoption hoops. My pride won't let me let go of the fact that I have to interview and apply for the job of "adoptive parent".
I think Ive skirted around this before. But when my Daddy died, I thought it was the hardest thing to swallow. But death is final. I want so badly to have my Daddy here on earth with me, but there is NO possibility of that happening. So there is room for the grief process to continue. But with this, there is always some new procedure or chance of something happening by the Grace of God. My RE said she wouldn't tell someone that its impossible with our difficulties, but <1% is pretty low. But God can do anything. That smidgen of hope won't let me move on.
I feel so in limbo. Like Ive put my life on hold for 4 years. I am usually not like this. I mean, my dealing with IF is unlike any other situation in my life. I greet adversity with open arms and squash it. This is so friggin different. I can't shake it.
So I'm now considering going back to my pshrink. Its certainly $60 I don't need to spend every week, financially speaking, but Ive got to get out of this funk.
On a good note, Angel usually doesn't know what to do when I go on a crying jag. He usually just sighs. Well last night, he did what he was supposed to do, he held me and rubbed my back. He said, I don't know what to do to make it better. I said you aren't supposed to fix it, just comfort me. I think he got it. I'm sure there will be lots of ways for him to use what he has learned. Poor thing, he has a blubbering, snotty mess for a wife these days.