Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Rough day

I dont know how long this will last, but I'm going to try to be positive about things. As much as I want to complain about a zillion things going on right now, I'm going to look at things in a positive way. I don't like my job, but I am going to smile and TRY to like it.

Okay, maybe this isnt making sense. I have to give you some background. On Saturday, I wanted to see my embryo pictures again. SO I looked and looked for them, couldn't find it. I thought I put it in my night stand with the teddy bear that the dr gave me. But I couldnt find it. But I did find a journal that I was keeping at the encouragement of my pshrink. She has me start off by naming 20 things about myself. At the time I saw her, I was 28, thats one of the things I wrote, 28 years old. So by that time, we had been through tons of clomid, poking, prodding, finding out about Angel's issues, etc. I thought I knew disappointment then. Not a CLUE. Then I said to myself, you are now 31, and I don't feel a bit closer to my dream than I was then, and Ive worked my azz off for it. SO then the tears came. Then Angel called, he was at work. I was hoping for some sensitive reassurance to come through the line, nope. I just got long awkward silences. He has no idea what to do when I cry or get upset. Then that makes him mad and upset. Then we both end up yelling at each other and not helping any situation.

Fast forward to last night. I got back from my walk. Ive been nauseated since on these meds for a sinus infection and I didnt want to eat supper. I didnt eat saturday night either. Just couldnt eat. I did have a few grapes. But anyway, he came into the kitchen and said, "I dont think you are happy being married to me". I WAS LIKE WTF? I think that is what makes me the happiest is being with him. So where did I go wrong? What made him feel this way? Well, since we've been on the baby train, I just keep working (literally at my job), working (at going to the drs and taking meds), working (at keeping the house nice, because dammit that is one thing I CAN control), and I felt like I was working on my marriage. Come to find out, I wasn't. So when I say to him that I am not unhappy being with him, then he says well what is making you so UNhappy? Well, I say the same things over and over again. I can't have a baby, and if I quit my job, I will be giving up a good paycheck and good boss. Also, if I quit, I'm just going to sit around being mopey and be even more miserable.

Now, Im thinking about what the heck is my life, and what the heck am I supposed to do with it. This is the same question I've been asking myself for YEARS. Its like going to a restaurant and the menu has too many items to choose from. The thing I want to be is so far out of reach. Yes there is hope that the next IVF will work, but if it doesn't the biggest fear I have is doing this same status quo job for the rest of my life and not ever really being happy. Then there is a fear that I will turn into my mother if we do have a kiddo. My Daddy always said that my mother was a totally different person before I was born, I'm totally convinced she has PCOS. She would go and do things all the time and was really happy. Then I came, after years of trying, and she just fell apart. So her resentment kept her from being a mother to me. My parents drifted apart and stayed together because of.... me? Whatever. Then finally got divorced when I was 17, what a relief.

So back to Angel and I and this happiness issue. I'm trying to be all June Cleaver and look all happy, when inside, I feel like Roseanne Barr in that SHE DEVIL movie. I'm just frustrated. If I knew what I wanted to do, I would do it. Going to school was a shot in the dark. I don't really want it. And I know it. I won't excel in it, because its not what I want.

Lessons to learn:
1- I cannot control any of my reproductive functions
2- I cannot blame myself for my dysfunction
3- I have put my life and my happiness on hold for too long
4- I can't do something else and hope that it will fill the void

1- Keep losing weight
2- find something that I want to do with my life
3- stop crying all the time
4- find another dream

Only other issue to address is hope. What do I do with my hope? I told Angel that a child is always on my mind. NO matter if I'm on the toilet, planting flowers, washing dishes, at work.... it is always there. I think in the last 4 years, I have just convinced myself that ,"it wasn't the right time", "I just have to be patient", "No matter how bad it is, I will eventually get what I want". It is the only thing that keeps that smile on my face. The only thing that gets me up in the morning. So how whack is this? I get up because its another day to work harder at having a baby. I always have to be DOING something. AND THEN I'm afraid that after all this time, I will be sour if we ever do have a kiddo.

Please excuse the really bad attitude today. But thank you for reading and hanging in this long. Its just one of those rough days.


Trace said...

So much of what you said resonates. I too want to switch jobs, but I'm not because who wants a new employee who's always going to doctors appointments and we need my salary to pay for those fertility appointments. I too don't have a dream career, but I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. The sad part is that I have no major career aspirations. I just want to be a mom, care for our household, and myself (while I enjoy my dog and my yoga).

JJ said...

Im so sorry for the rough day...broke my heart to read about that interaction you had with Angel. Its tough to get in this never ending cycle and not see a way out--whether its job/baby/life in general!
Hoping that your next post title will be : HAPPY day=)
Sending you hugs, Hollie!

Kate said...

I just came by to welcome you to the Braces Bunch. I am sorry that you had a rough day and I hope things are better for you now. I'll be thinking about you.