I dont know how long this will last, but I'm going to try to be positive about things. As much as I want to complain about a zillion things going on right now, I'm going to look at things in a positive way. I don't like my job, but I am going to smile and TRY to like it.
Okay, maybe this isnt making sense. I have to give you some background. On Saturday, I wanted to see my embryo pictures again. SO I looked and looked for them, couldn't find it. I thought I put it in my night stand with the teddy bear that the dr gave me. But I couldnt find it. But I did find a journal that I was keeping at the encouragement of my pshrink. She has me start off by naming 20 things about myself. At the time I saw her, I was 28, thats one of the things I wrote, 28 years old. So by that time, we had been through tons of clomid, poking, prodding, finding out about Angel's issues, etc. I thought I knew disappointment then. Not a CLUE. Then I said to myself, you are now 31, and I don't feel a bit closer to my dream than I was then, and Ive worked my azz off for it. SO then the tears came. Then Angel called, he was at work. I was hoping for some sensitive reassurance to come through the line, nope. I just got long awkward silences. He has no idea what to do when I cry or get upset. Then that makes him mad and upset. Then we both end up yelling at each other and not helping any situation.
Fast forward to last night. I got back from my walk. Ive been nauseated since on these meds for a sinus infection and I didnt want to eat supper. I didnt eat saturday night either. Just couldnt eat. I did have a few grapes. But anyway, he came into the kitchen and said, "I dont think you are happy being married to me". I WAS LIKE WTF? I think that is what makes me the happiest is being with him. So where did I go wrong? What made him feel this way? Well, since we've been on the baby train, I just keep working (literally at my job), working (at going to the drs and taking meds), working (at keeping the house nice, because dammit that is one thing I CAN control), and I felt like I was working on my marriage. Come to find out, I wasn't. So when I say to him that I am not unhappy being with him, then he says well what is making you so UNhappy? Well, I say the same things over and over again. I can't have a baby, and if I quit my job, I will be giving up a good paycheck and good boss. Also, if I quit, I'm just going to sit around being mopey and be even more miserable.
Now, Im thinking about what the heck is my life, and what the heck am I supposed to do with it. This is the same question I've been asking myself for YEARS. Its like going to a restaurant and the menu has too many items to choose from. The thing I want to be is so far out of reach. Yes there is hope that the next IVF will work, but if it doesn't the biggest fear I have is doing this same status quo job for the rest of my life and not ever really being happy. Then there is a fear that I will turn into my mother if we do have a kiddo. My Daddy always said that my mother was a totally different person before I was born, I'm totally convinced she has PCOS. She would go and do things all the time and was really happy. Then I came, after years of trying, and she just fell apart. So her resentment kept her from being a mother to me. My parents drifted apart and stayed together because of.... me? Whatever. Then finally got divorced when I was 17, what a relief.
So back to Angel and I and this happiness issue. I'm trying to be all June Cleaver and look all happy, when inside, I feel like Roseanne Barr in that SHE DEVIL movie. I'm just frustrated. If I knew what I wanted to do, I would do it. Going to school was a shot in the dark. I don't really want it. And I know it. I won't excel in it, because its not what I want.
Lessons to learn:
1- I cannot control any of my reproductive functions
2- I cannot blame myself for my dysfunction
3- I have put my life and my happiness on hold for too long
4- I can't do something else and hope that it will fill the void
1- Keep losing weight
2- find something that I want to do with my life
3- stop crying all the time
4- find another dream
Only other issue to address is hope. What do I do with my hope? I told Angel that a child is always on my mind. NO matter if I'm on the toilet, planting flowers, washing dishes, at work.... it is always there. I think in the last 4 years, I have just convinced myself that ,"it wasn't the right time", "I just have to be patient", "No matter how bad it is, I will eventually get what I want". It is the only thing that keeps that smile on my face. The only thing that gets me up in the morning. So how whack is this? I get up because its another day to work harder at having a baby. I always have to be DOING something. AND THEN I'm afraid that after all this time, I will be sour if we ever do have a kiddo.
Please excuse the really bad attitude today. But thank you for reading and hanging in this long. Its just one of those rough days.