The stages are: (by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (btw-one of 3 identical triplets) in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" via WIKI.PED,IA)
- Denial: "It can't be happening."
- Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
- Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
- Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
- Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
I'm not sure that I don't experience this still from time to time. This really isnt happening to me. I see Suzy with a kid, it wont be that hard. I will just do a "little clomid" and everything will be just fine. I actually did say that to a friend when we first started this journey.
I feel like it is okay for Angel to have issues, but it's not okay for me to have issues. I could have gotten my weight under control at an earlier age before it did so much damage in the form of weight gain. Oh you know, I could have, should have, would have, yada yada. (this phenomenon is known as the "coulda,woulda,shoulda excuse." Also, the more angry I got, the harder I "worked" at IF.
The harder I work at this, the faster the results . The more I pour my soul into it, the better my outcome. Haven't we all been told, or I hope we have, that if we want something bad enough, and work hard enough for it, that it will come to us? Isn't that true for Daniel "Rudy" Reutigger? Haven't you read or seen movies about 1000 people that put their nose to the grindstone and achieved their dream? Guess what, it doesn't hold water when you are talking about IF.
This happens after each procedure that comes back abnormal or doesn't have the outcome you desire. Sometimes, this stage can last a couple minutes, to a couple months, to a couple years. Sometimes, I believe Angel disguises what he calls "realism" with defeat. Men wax and wane as well. I just hope we dont wane at the same time!
Okay, so this is me. I am a statistic. I am the "couple" with MF, PCOS, and the 1st IVF didn't work. So where do we go from here? Of course that's my first question. WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER? hmmmmm
This 4 letter word gets us out of our hole many times. There is still something we can do to tweak the meds, something we can do with the protocol, there is still some alternative to try to achieve our dream. So, this keeps us going. Keeps us dreaming and wanting and waiting. I am so thankful for this emotion. It keeps me thinking that there will be "something better" (kiddo) around the corner.
#7 Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious (sp?)
This word is a conglomeration of emotions. As women, we know this to be true, that our emotions can turn on a dime. From laughter to tears in a split second. This is especially fun when suffering through the "clomid crazies". So I use this term to explain that all of these emotions prior to this one can happen over a period of days, months, years, or simply in a matter of moments. Just like the Mary Poppins movie, they went through a myriad of emotions in a short period of time. But in the end, things worked out for the best and I have to trust that things will for us as well.
I have completely come to terms with the fact that this is the hardest thing Ive had to live with. A close second would be the death of my sweet angel Daddy, who was my best friend and his voice still resonates in my soul. This man was so positively positive. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I aspire to be half the person that he was, and actually still is in the minds of the people that remember this humble, kind man. But I'd like to think that if Daddy were here, he would tell me to keep hoping, living, loving, crying, trying, and surviving. And some days, if I didn't have his voice telling me these things, I couldn't make it through the day. So I had a rough few days, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but I'm going to keep trusting that things will work out. I'm a big picture kind of gal anyway. Just like flubber, I will bounce back.