Picked up the kids, for the FIRST TIME!

I am absolutely in awe of God right now. I feel so touched and blessed. Let me try to explain some of it, although I could go on all day long.

We got up yesterday, took showers, makeup, breakfast, etc. Got in the car to start the 2. 5hour drive to the clinic. That was an extremely LONG ride. We got there. I spent about 15 minutes in an empty waiting room until they called us back. I went straight into the changing room and got my same cubby that I always get. Donned the most beautiful gown and hopped up on the same ole bed that I always get. Signed the same ole papers. Same small talk with nurse type person, and then the embryologist came in. Of course, I was holding my breath. She said well we are good for a transfer. Went into all this stuff about percentages, yada yada. Finally, I just almost screamed, "HOW MANY"? She said, "Ohhhh hee hee, guess you want to know that" (umm yeah) She said they thawed 3 and 3 are doing well, so we will transfer 3! PRAISE GOD! I wasn't listening too much to the percentage speech, but after they are frozen, they are like little smushed up balls. Well, when they thaw, they start to spread out. They like to see at least 50% spread-ation. ;) Well we had one at 50%, one at 75% and one at 90%. I'll take it!! It is just a miracle. Now those three little miracles are chillin in the uterus, hopefully finding a nice place to hang out for 9 mos! I didn't have cramping until about 8pm last night, and had some off and on today. But other than that, smooth as PIE!

I cannot thank everyone enough for all the prayers and special thoughts. THEY WORK! God is working this miracle and I am totally in awe. Although its not enough, I will just have to say, THANK YOU in a big way to all my cheer leaders out there. You folks are the BOMB!

Now we wait until Feb 9 for the BIG CALL. Ya'll all know what that's like. I'm going to take it easy for this weekend. I was disappointed to find out that I can't do any of my exercises, but it is a small price to pay. After this weekend, I can do my walking routine though. I'm going to take every precaution I can, this time. And I'm taking my 3 progesterone pills and cr**inone on the DOT!! Just not taking any chances.

When we left the "sterile type room" the embryologist said, "Good luck, we'll be thinking about you." I said, "Thanks for taking care of the kids".

Dream a little dream...

I wasn't going to post until after the transfer. But the most amazing thing happened. I have struggled to remember every little detail and image since it happened. So here goes...

Last night, Angel and I had a discussion. These discussions are few and far between. They are usually serious in nature, and we avoid them so we don't anger or upset the other spouse. Understandable, but sometimes, you just have to say what needs to be said.

In this discussion, we talked about our upcoming transfer, our potential parenthood, and my need for things to be as stress free as possible for at least the next 2 weeks. This is where my selfishness comes out. I have learned that I HAVE TO put myself first around the time of these things. I have to push all extraneous stresses away. If that means people, so be it. We agreed, he understood. Then we talked, and this conversation has been 5 years in the making sort of like a chess game that never ends, about if we were meant to be parents. I told him that I waiver in this thought a lot. He said he did to. I said where do you land? He said always land back at parenthood. Yep, me too. If I can shuttup my internal negative dialogue, I end up with us being parents. I guess this is where IF can really screw with your head. So then I said, well I don't know the WAY we will become parents. He said he didn't know either, but we both agreed that this is where we need to be at THIS time doing THIS thing. I felt comforted. I slept so well.

UNTIL 4am! I woke up and my heart was pounding, my arms felt heavy and I was crying. Crying IN MY SLEEP!?! When I wake up in the middle of the night, I always look for the red dot on the fire alarm to make sure I'm actually awake. I was. I started thinking about what had just happened in my dream. My arms are still feeling very heavy and the tears are still coming.

I began to recall the dream that I had. It was so vivid. It was like a movie of myself playing in my head. For the first time in a long time, I saw my Daddy's face. I hear him in my dreams and sort of feel his presence, but rarely do I see him. I've always thought that my Dad is sitting in heaven, bouncing our children on his knee, waiting for them to be called down to be with us. May sound silly, but thats how I feel. Well last night, I saw myself struggling with a little boy. Maybe about 2. I was trying to get his clothes on and he was running around. He had dark brown hair and I could actually see his face, something I rarely see in my dreams. Then I saw my dad, holding a blanket with something in it. I looked in and didn't see anything. Then he handed me the blanket. There was nothing in it and I sort of threw it back to him. Then he handed it back to me and it was heavy, I could feel what was in there. I felt it MOVE! I pulled back the blanket to reveal what was in there. It was a little girl. She had sandy brown hair and she was very wiggly. Neither the boy or the girl made any noise.

I can't really put an age on these two. And I'm not going to say that these children were from my womb. But what I will say is that my thoughts that we aren't supposed to be parents has faded. This dream was so real, it was as real as anything I've ever known. I saw a boy and a girl. I saw my Daddy try to give me something, and there wasn't anything there. Then he tried again, maybe because I am so hard headed, and it was there. Maybe the timing was right. Maybe I had been prepared for what was to be given to us. I don't know. I can read a lot into the significance of a lot of this dream.

One thing we discussed last night is that Angel thinks that I never really believed that God could and would give us a child. He said unless I believe, it won't happen. He is so right. (don't tell him I said that;) It was hard to hear, but I had to come to the realization that I haven't allowed God to perform his miracle in me. Do I think I'm not worthy? Somewhat. Do I think its too large a task for God? Somewhat. Have I let my faith falter? Yes. Did I need this confirmation last night right before my transfer? Absolutely. Finally the comfort I feel is not just from me, but from the Precioius Peace Giver. The one that CAN give me a peace that passes all understanding. It is just validation that all of this has not been in vain. Each step in this process, this almost 5 year process, has taught us so much. Will this be the end? I don't know. But I can only go on what I do know. And I know that if I believe and trust in God, He knows the desires of my heart, and He will bless us. I don't know how, but I trust He knows the best way for us.

I can't tell you how therapeutic this has been for me to actually document. I have been scared to talk about my walk with God. I hint at it here and there, but here it is! No holds barred! Its all hanging out! And it feels fantastic. If you think I'm a Bible beater... okay. But I am just a regular girl, trying to make sense of this, trying to do the best I can, trying to work towards our dreams coming true. Leaning on God to show us the way. Disclaimer- I in know way think that if you "relax, it will happen". That statement makes me MAD! But I'm telling you how I feel at each step in this process. The future is so uncertain, but I know with Angel and God, I can make it!

Please leave a comment. Even if its blank. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to see you were here and shared in this moment of realization with me.

Blessed dreams, my friends.

One Giant ZIT!

okay, maybe NOT the best title to an entry, but I just feel like one giant zit, so there ya go.

To tell you how totally ON this I am, I forgot to take my first dose of progesterone Sunday. It was one Crinone and 1 pill. Then I forgot to take my lunch time pill. At 4pm, I had this sneaky suspicion that I had forgotten something I had to do Sunday. YEAH, YA THINK!!?!? So I took a pill and did a crinone before bed. All I could really do. I can feel the side effects of progesterone already, so I'm not worried. How could I have forgotten to START MY PROGESTERONE?!

So I guess it goes back to my mood for this cycle. We did our last IVF in October. We planned that we would do the FET in January (NOW). Well to tell you the truth, January just crept up on me. I haven't had to do much, one trip to the dr and a couple phone calls. Nothing like what I'm used to with full monitoring. So I can honestly say that it hasn't been first and foremost on my plate these days. I'm busy with work, exercising, life in general. Which I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad, but it just is what it is. I had a good friend call me last night and ask how I was feeling since Friday was "the big day". It took me forever to find some words to say how I thought I felt, but in reality, I'm not sure I really feel anything. I think the word that best describes my mood is NUMB.

I'm numb from the poking and prodding, doesn't phase me anymore. I'm numb from needle sticks, the newbie nurse was very apologetic that she didn't get my good vein on the first shot and I didn't care one iota. I also didn't care when it was like a three ring circus when my nether regions were up in the air at my last appointment. The nurses were afraid that I would miss the lab cutoff time, so they came and got the cultures and samples as soon as they could. Pretty much parading past my who who to get them. Eh, who cares. Maybe I'm just worn down. Maybe this whole process has worn me out. Next word is COMPLAISANCY.

Its a good place to be, for me. I remember when the best things in my life happened to me when I was finally just complaisant about my dreams. I wanted desperately to be married. I was tired of being the odd ball at parties. It wasn't until I got comfortable being the odd ball that God sent me Angel. I never thought the love of my life would arrive as he did, and we would have a whirlwind 2 week courtship before we decided to get married. Actually, we just got along so well that we didn't ever DECIDE to get married, we just gravitated that way. Then he proposed 6 weeks after we met. I didn't feel rushed at all. It felt right, it felt good, I wasn't worried, God lead me down this path and I trusted that He would continue to carry me. Maybe thats where I am with this IF stuff. Next word is ZIT.

So now, I'm ready to talk about my ZITS! They are everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! My face looks like a giant bumpy pizza! I don't know exactly when they started coming, but they are here. I know my progesterone is climbing because I was in the middle of watching my FAVORITE SHOW and dozed off. P4 always makes me sleepy. And for the icing on the cake, I woke up at 3am with the worst headache I've ever experienced. I was dreaming that someone was pounding on my head. Little did I know that my head was being pounded on from the inside out!! This headache was/is behind my eyes. It makes it difficult to see or focus on things. I'm not a headache expert, but this one is a doozy. I finally got up and took some tylenol at 4am, and did some deep breathing exercises until it subsided. I fell asleep moments before my alarm was to go off. NICE!! So I don't know if this headache is from the progesterone or estrogen. I dont recall having this problem before, but I don't have the best memory when it comes to all this.

To wrap this up, and I want to end on a good note. I have been going to these exercise classes at work 4 days a week. I went yesterday to Cardio Blast and had a BLAST even though I was jogging, etc. I am so allergic to exercise its not funny. But this is good for me and I can feel it. Our instructor isn't one of those cheery, bimbo types so thats good, for me at least. But I hopped up on the scale today and was down 3 pounds. WOO WOOOOOO!! Even with Estrace and Progesterone on board. Not looking for any kudos, I'm actually very pleased with MYSELF and proud that I can keep a handle on this better than I ever expected to.

So, toodelooo for now. Hope to write more after the transfer. Beta is Feb 9, so I'm going to try to stay away from pee sticks and tell myself that I don't need them. I've stayed away from them this long, and I think that it brought me some peace. So I'm going to try it. If I fail, you will see me on Feb 7 at the $ store raiding the hpt section!

Love and Blessings to all!

Gyn Extravaganza!

Whoa, what a day.

To begin this saga, I didn't sleep last night. I got enthralled in a new book , couldn't put it down. Finally did, but it had my mind GOING AND GOING! I couldn't shake it. I watched the clock. I tossed I turned. Then I heard the dreaded alarm. SMACK! 5 more minutes SMACK! Then the lovely Da_rth VAD*ER sounds of Angel's CPAP machine clicking off. Ahhh, the start of another day.

I got up, got dressed, all spiffied up. Fed the dogs, got all my junk in the frosty car, and zoomed down the road a little over an hour for fasting blood work. After they drew it, I went and got some breakfast. Came back to the clinic in time for my appointment. Put on the most lovely paper gown that was OH SO FLATTERING and hopped up in my usual spot, in my usual exam room, with my usual ultrasound wand staring at me.

I was prodded and poked and thoroughly mushed and squished. I had 5 cultures and a pap smear. Don't ask me what all the cultures were for, but I had them nevertheless. Got to see my girlie parts. They are still there, hanging out, waiting to be somewhat useful. The Nurse Practitioner said I had a "beautiful 3 level endometrium at 0.9cm" and "didn't see how I could be held back at this point".

So we are all a "go" on Friday Jan 30 for our FET. We have a 6 pack in the freezer, so I'm hoping at least one makes it. We had 2 out of 4 that made it last time. I feel pretty good. I feel blessed no matter how this turns out. Each time I do some of this stuff, it gets easier and I'm more calm. I was a little surprised that this go around, I only have to go 1 time for an endometrium check, 1 time for the transfer, and 1 time for the beta hcg. I do miss my girls at the small clinic. They always ask about Angel and I, and they tend to remember my history better than the big clinic that only has written records to go by. They remember seeing me when I was so sick before I went into the hospital with OHSS. They've laughed and cried and hugged when I needed it. They are some caring women, and it makes a dull task more fun to see people that you enjoy being around.

I should get the phone call this afternoon about the blood work. I'm not too anxious because I've never had a problem with it before. Hopefully, this will all go very smoothly. My peace about this is helping immensely. We will see how it goes as we get closer to time. Also, I'm still thinking that Feb 9 is a LONG TIME to wait after the transfer of 6 day old blasts for a beta. I haven't done any pee sticks in a LONG TIME, but I don't know how I can hold out that long. I'm thinking for sure something should show up by Feb 7, which is a Saturday. I'm back and forth about this. But I have some time to ponder.

Love and Prayers to all!

FET #2

Its shaping up. Here's how it should go...

Jan 22- Bloodwork, Ultrasound, and yearly exam Extravaganza!

If all looks good, begin Progesterone (Crinone twice daily and capsules 3 times daily) on Feb 24 or 25.

If I have 2 embryos that thaw out and do well, We expect to have our transfer of 6 day old blastocysts on Jan 29 or 30.

Have to wait until Feb 9 for the beta. Hmmmm, I've tried to stay away from pee sticks... can she do it this time folks?!

I'm just really calm about all this. I don't know why. Maybe I haven't gotten close enough to actually DOING something. I'm taking estrace twice a day now, but thats no big deal. It will probably sink in when I get back in those stirrups and see that lovely ultrasound screen again. I missed my girlie parts. So nice to see them on a screen. HELLOOOoooo in there, its PICTURE TIME!!

So happy!

Go here and CELEBRATE!!

Happy Happy Joy JOY! YOU GO GIRL!

Dude, where's MY word?

I found THIS and thought, what the hell! So here is MY word.....

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of. Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you. While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life. You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

Hmmmm, now, talk amongst yaselves! AND go try it!

It is CD2, Again.

CD1 was too hectic to write about, so I'm attempting on cd2.

I can't believe I'm back in the mode of referring to days as CYCLE DAYS. Guess its like getting back on a bicycle. A bicycle that has no seat, only that horrible pole. Something stole my nice comfy seat a long time ago. One where the chain jumps off the spinny thing all the time. I'm sure I will experience a flat tire or two. I'm not expecting this to be an easy ride, can you tell.

I looked back and I think I'm up about 3 pounds from my Pre-Holiday weight. Not bad, but not particularly good. I wanted to give us the best possible shot at this working, and I'm guessing from this point on, I have to accept that my weight is an issue in this.

Just to recap- we have 6 totsicles. I pray that when they thaw the first two, that they look great and we transfer them. Keeping the other 4 chillin'. But only God knows how that will turn out. Guess we will find out T-day.

I'm not even really sure how this cycle will go. Its been awhile since I did this, my mind is kind of foggy. But I'm sure when I get all my info, it will feel like jumping back on that ole bicycle.