I wasn't going to post until after the transfer. But the most amazing thing happened. I have struggled to remember every little detail and image since it happened. So here goes...
Last night, Angel and I had a discussion. These discussions are few and far between. They are usually serious in nature, and we avoid them so we don't anger or upset the other spouse. Understandable, but sometimes, you just have to say what needs to be said.
In this discussion, we talked about our upcoming transfer, our potential parenthood, and my need for things to be as stress free as possible for at least the next 2 weeks. This is where my selfishness comes out. I have learned that I HAVE TO put myself first around the time of these things. I have to push all extraneous stresses away. If that means people, so be it. We agreed, he understood. Then we talked, and this conversation has been 5 years in the making sort of like a chess game that never ends, about if we were meant to be parents. I told him that I waiver in this thought a lot. He said he did to. I said where do you land? He said always land back at parenthood. Yep, me too. If I can shuttup my internal negative dialogue, I end up with us being parents. I guess this is where IF can really screw with your head. So then I said, well I don't know the WAY we will become parents. He said he didn't know either, but we both agreed that this is where we need to be at THIS time doing THIS thing. I felt comforted. I slept so well.
UNTIL 4am! I woke up and my heart was pounding, my arms felt heavy and I was crying. Crying IN MY SLEEP!?! When I wake up in the middle of the night, I always look for the red dot on the fire alarm to make sure I'm actually awake. I was. I started thinking about what had just happened in my dream. My arms are still feeling very heavy and the tears are still coming.
I began to recall the dream that I had. It was so vivid. It was like a movie of myself playing in my head. For the first time in a long time, I saw my Daddy's face. I hear him in my dreams and sort of feel his presence, but rarely do I see him. I've always thought that my Dad is sitting in heaven, bouncing our children on his knee, waiting for them to be called down to be with us. May sound silly, but thats how I feel. Well last night, I saw myself struggling with a little boy. Maybe about 2. I was trying to get his clothes on and he was running around. He had dark brown hair and I could actually see his face, something I rarely see in my dreams. Then I saw my dad, holding a blanket with something in it. I looked in and didn't see anything. Then he handed me the blanket. There was nothing in it and I sort of threw it back to him. Then he handed it back to me and it was heavy, I could feel what was in there. I felt it MOVE! I pulled back the blanket to reveal what was in there. It was a little girl. She had sandy brown hair and she was very wiggly. Neither the boy or the girl made any noise.
I can't really put an age on these two. And I'm not going to say that these children were from my womb. But what I will say is that my thoughts that we aren't supposed to be parents has faded. This dream was so real, it was as real as anything I've ever known. I saw a boy and a girl. I saw my Daddy try to give me something, and there wasn't anything there. Then he tried again, maybe because I am so hard headed, and it was there. Maybe the timing was right. Maybe I had been prepared for what was to be given to us. I don't know. I can read a lot into the significance of a lot of this dream.
One thing we discussed last night is that Angel thinks that I never really believed that God could and would give us a child. He said unless I believe, it won't happen. He is so right. (don't tell him I said that;) It was hard to hear, but I had to come to the realization that I haven't allowed God to perform his miracle in me. Do I think I'm not worthy? Somewhat. Do I think its too large a task for God? Somewhat. Have I let my faith falter? Yes. Did I need this confirmation last night right before my transfer? Absolutely. Finally the comfort I feel is not just from me, but from the Precioius Peace Giver. The one that CAN give me a peace that passes all understanding. It is just validation that all of this has not been in vain. Each step in this process, this almost 5 year process, has taught us so much. Will this be the end? I don't know. But I can only go on what I do know. And I know that if I believe and trust in God, He knows the desires of my heart, and He will bless us. I don't know how, but I trust He knows the best way for us.
I can't tell you how therapeutic this has been for me to actually document. I have been scared to talk about my walk with God. I hint at it here and there, but here it is! No holds barred! Its all hanging out! And it feels fantastic. If you think I'm a Bible beater... okay. But I am just a regular girl, trying to make sense of this, trying to do the best I can, trying to work towards our dreams coming true. Leaning on God to show us the way. Disclaimer- I in know way think that if you "relax, it will happen". That statement makes me MAD! But I'm telling you how I feel at each step in this process. The future is so uncertain, but I know with Angel and God, I can make it!
Please leave a comment. Even if its blank. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to see you were here and shared in this moment of realization with me.
Blessed dreams, my friends.