Hello all ya'll from blogland! I am extremely new to this. Please bear with me. My hope is that this will be a cathartic way for me to express my feelings about what is going on in my life.
So I am 30-ish and am a 4 year veteran of the War on My Infertility. Most bloggers have a nice tidy little profile that details what exactly they have been through and how many times, even the dates. I dont EVEN REMEMBER really how much junk I've done to try to have the family that I've dreamed about. I remember the days that I used to care that my legs were perfectly shaved for the ultrasound tech and nurse practitioner. I remember the days when I used to think that a little Cl.o..mi.d would do the trick. Even nookie (in those days I called it bding- gosh I am dating myself) where I would hold my legs in the air for hours afterward. Then came a particularly dreary June day when we found out that we had more to deal with than just my issues. I vaguely remember what the RE said. All I remember really is the walk through the parking deck when I thought we would never find the car. And finally, I just couldn't walk any more and collapsed in tears. Dh had to come pick me up and tote me to the car. I cried the entire way home, 2.5 hours, and couldn't stop crying for days. Needless to say, that day changed my life.
So normally, I try to keep my feelings in my pocket. I let them out to a select few. I get emotional every once in awhile and when I do, I quickly SNAP BACK and put those feelings right back into my pocket. So I have the part of me that wants to talk about this in grave detail. The one that wants to cry until it feels better. Then there is the part of me that says, DAMMIT anything worth having is worth fighting for. This isnt what you planned, but gosh darnit, You gotta make puddin from pine cones. Do the best you can with what you have and attitude is 99% of the battle. I have a head full of cliches. I lose hope from time to time, but something in me won't let this die just yet. For the most part, I come from a family of optimists.
So now onto Dh. He is a precious man. I know that he was sent to me from heaven. I even call him, Angel, on occasion. He is 40-ish, so a tad bit my senior. He is the love of my life. I used to watch the sappy lovie dovie movies and say, no one will ever love me for who I am. They won't get past a few extra pounds. BUT AGAIN, I was wrong. There was a man out there that completely totally adores me for who I am and actually thinks I'm sexy! So, I married him!! I knew we would have issues with children, I thought they would be my issues. But we carry this bag together. Dont get me wrong, I dont blame either one of us. It is simply the cards we were dealt. Angel is a Regis.te..red Nur.s.e and works for the local hospital. He absolutely loves his job. Okay, let me say that he has a career he loves, and I have a job that pays some bills and has good benefits.
So we live in the Southeastern United States, in a somewhat rural area, okay put it this way, its not a city neighborhood. We have been married almost 6 years. We have a beautiful house we built to house our family and 2 mutt dogs that showed up at the house. Who could say "no" when they are right there at your doorstep?
My job is a bit mundane, although I've been told I'm good at it. Plan A was that I would stay in this job for a couple years until DH finished school, then I would stay home to raise a family. Yeah, so that didnt go as planned. So here I am, biding my time until I can live my dream of motherhood. My Plan Q is God's plan A. Just gotta figure out plan q...
I have lots of questions for God, but I try to just trust that this is our journey. The one He planned for us. "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." (I told you about my cliches didn't I?) I question if we deserve a child. And if we aren't suppose to have children, then what in the flippin world am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? How am I supposed to make an impact in the world?
So Im trying to be a bit vague. I am an "i.n the clo/set" infertile. 98% of the people I come into contact with do not know of our struggles. I dont want to wear it on my sleeve. Not to mention that I know after a few strategically planned conversations, that a lot of family and friends are opposed to the way we have chosen to have a family. If we ever do have kids, I dont ever want someone to come back and say that they were weird because of the way they were conceived.
Can you hear the hope in my writing? I say THEY a lot when referring to our potential offspring. I dont know where it comes from, but I just know SOMEDAY,SOMEHOW we will have the family that we so desperately want. Another reason to stay "in th.e clo..set" is because I CANT STAND THE DUMB THINGS SOME PEOPLE SAY!!! And I have to admit, I was one of them. I have heard about all I want of 1.relaxing 2.it will happen, be patient 3. just adopt (like its just like riding a bike) 4. well I know someone who_____ (fill in the blank)I could go on, you get the picture.
Im going to wind this up, I promise. See I told you, I can RaMbLe forever!! I came up with the name of this blog because I have read dozens of infertility blogs and some way, some how, the couples end up with kiddos. Whether it is through IVF, IUI,Donor Gametes, Adoption, Fostering WHATEVER, they have children. So Im going to be my most hopeful cheerful self and say I believe there will be more than 2 sets of human feet in my household. And I thought it would be a good time to start chronicling our journey. ~H