Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Friday, March 28, 2008

My Angel

I haven't said enough about my hubby. He is my "Angel", thats for sure. When this first began, we were both very hopeful. He would leave me little notes, that's his way of showing affection, and say how excited he was about starting a family. Then as time wore on and we were getting more and more disappointed, we started shielding each other from our feelings. I want two things in this world, a child and to make sure that Angel is happy. I believe he wants the same for me. Our marriage hasnt been all the sacrifice that people talk about a marriage being. I think our unity has helped us both to grow together and as individuals.
We have had a handful of fights in our life together. I call a fight a shouting match where we are both so enraged, we cant see straight. But I dont think we were really that angry with each other. Our fights usually disappear when we find out that we are upset with the situation, not each other.
Its not all roses, I promise. But I have to say, our handful of fights has all been about infertility on some level.
It took me a long time to come to grips with this fact. Sometimes I still cannot really fathom the idea. But my shrink-e-poo says that it is perfectly normal, so I will take her word for it. Men dont have the same desires for children as women do. THERE I SAID IT. To quantify this, my desire for a child is 10 out of 10. I would do just about anything for a child. For my husband, its about 7 out of 10. It was higher, but the more we have had to suffer through, the more he lowers his desire. He weighs his desire with things like my health risks, his health risks, our relationship strain, etc. He has to think about the big picture and how much risk is acceptable. He is the one that has to stay level headed and realistic in this endeavor. I applaud and appreciate that he can be that for us. I was in the hospital last year following my Egg Retrieval for 5 days. He was very concerned. While suffering with OHSS, my breathing was very labored if I even rolled over in bed. I had cellulitis(raging infection) in my hips from the PIO shots and was running a fever with that. All the while, I was being pumped full of fluids and not urinating. I gained I think a total of 35 pounds. He is an RN and got very nervous. The people that he sees like this are septic, and they do not recover. They usually die or have serious complications from kidneys shutting down because of inactivity. After my E2 went down, I began to urinate (Praise the Lord) and I returned to normal in about another week. It was strenuous. It was hard. But would I do it all again for a child, YES. Do I need to take that risk again, No. So that is why I am losing weight for the first time in my life. It will decrease my chances of recurring OHSS and make a better place for the embie to play. Also, it will decrease my insulin levels, which has a bearing on implantation as well. We are also planning on changing my IVF protocol next time.
For better or for worse, we are a team. He doesnt show it all the time, I think he is being brave and strong for me, but he hurts about this as much as I do. This marriage is totally symbiotic. He hurts, I hurt. He's happy, I'm happy. Thank you Lord for giving me a strong man to help guide me through this with a heart of gold. Thank you for giving him a level head to help make good decisions with. Thank you for all of our blessings. Thank you for your love that shines through Angel everyday, especially when he is at work. We are truly blessed.

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