I've spent an enormous amount of time dreaming what it would be like to hold our own child. Now, his birth is 5 months away, and I'm seriously questioning what in the world I've gotten myself into. I guess every parent has doubts about things. This is probably a phase that will pass. Overall, I think my excitement outweighs the freaking outtedness. But sometimes, I have to admit, I get pretty bogged down in the fear of the whole situation.
I don't know about all the gear, feeding (breast or bottle), expectations, sleeping schedule (or lack of one), labor, delivery, etc. My books don't give me ANY peace at all. I've almost given up on them. I have two of the more popular books, but they end up contradicting each other most of the time. Then I get overwhelmingly confused and upset. That is not what a book is supposed to do. So I've changed 2 diapers in my whole life, on two toddlers and thank goodness, they weren't messy. But thats it. I can coo at a kiddo, I'm fairly good at getting a smile. BUT I actually have anxiety when someone asks me to hold their child.
Some of my girlfriends have said that they were this way as well, before they had their own. Now, it looks so natural. Guess its one of those things that I cannot prepare for. I'm going to have to wing it. Maybe that is the root of the problem. I'm going to have to wing this whole thing. Labor, delivery, feeding, clothing, bathing, crying (both of us). I can't prepare for what is ahead, I'm just going to have to think on my feet. For a major preparer, ie HOLLIE, this is not a good thing. I extinguish much of my anxiety about a situation by preparing. So when the books suck, I have a 33% chance of getting Dr OH NO for delivery, and I have this rock in my stomach that says, "girl, you don't have a clue", I think there is some room for apprehension. There is such a reason why God takes 9 months to prepare a Mom. So I've got to trust that He let this lil one survive the thaw, implant in my uterus, and thrive, that He knows what He's doing making me a Mom.
I want to be a feeling of love, not a title. "Mom" or "Mother" to me means that I'm hung up on my title and not all the love I want to ooze out on this youngin'! I want to be a "Momma". I want to hear "Momma, where's my ____?" "Momma, Daddy said I could." "Momma, I love you." "Momma" says love to me.
I've never been blessed to really know what a Mother's love is. The story is too long to share. But, I think I put too much pressure on myself because I have this ideal in my head of how I should be. Of course, like all Mom's, I want to be on top of it. Will I always be "on top of it?" Nope. Am I going to beat myself up for not being on top of it? Maybe a little. But that IS something I can prepare for. Things aren't going to go smoothly. But I've just got to gear up for the challenge. So this day begins the mental preparation to become a parent. This is so surreal...