Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Friday, December 19, 2008

PUNISH ME ALREADY!




I looked at this picture of me today. This was in the 9 day wait after transfer after my 2nd IVF. In this picture, I'm sorta the "p" word. The embie was hanging in there. We had such a good time on our trip to the mountains. It was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off the transfer. Maybe that's why it sorta worked! Or was it the weight loss. Or did I kill my child on some crazy exercise equipment I just HAD TO TRY.
Lord, PLEASE HELP MY MIND TO STOP PUNISHING ME! Please help me to let this go. Please help me to know that there was NOTHING I could do. I know it in my head, but please share it with my heart. Please remind me that I don't always know what's best and that the path you have chosen for me is perfect for ME. Please give me patience and peace.

4 comments:

Chelle said...

I wish there was something I could say to convince you. I looked a picture the other day that I had taken when I was the "p" word. It breaks my heart.

((HUGS))

littlezen said...

You know, I think we always look for a reason 'why' and sometimes there is no reason. It just is pretty much bites.

~Jess said...

I know what you mean...after our first IUI (failed) I didn't realize that I was supposed to take it easy and I was out helping me husband split wood for 2 days (big heavy pieces). I keep blaming myself for it not having worked.

It all just sucks majorly.

Patricia said...

I will pray that God does indeed bring peace to your heart. What strikes me most is this. Even if there somehow WAS something to forgive you for - and in everything I've read from you, I can honestly say that I don't think you did anything "wrong" - but for whatever reason, imagine there was some mysterious thing that you could point to with absolute certainty that you could know was THE reason this happened... God has forgiven you. And while that blinding love from Him can be overwhelming, it's there, along with His forgivness. But we must receive it. Actively. Consciously, on purpose.

If I can be so bold as to offer some totally unsolicited "assvice" as they say... When you're ready, perhaps you could choose a very specific time and place to consciously take the step to forgive yourself of whatever lingering guilt you think you might deserve. Whatever works for you, lighting a candle, creating a ritual, something to mark the moment that you are stepping beyond the place where you blame yourself and allow the healing to sink in.

I'm sorry this is so long and I hope it isn't more upsetting. I truly wish you peace.