Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dreams off a checklist

We are having Christmas early with our family. Everyone has work and various other responsibilities, and this coming Saturday just worked.
I got a sinking feeling a few minutes ago when my SIL emailed about what to bring. That was going to be THE DAY. Saturday would have been the day that we told everyone we were the "p" word. If things had gone alright, I would have been 14 weeks along and we would have felt good about telling folks. Yep, mark that dream off the checklist.
Also, I've had this silly notion that I could quit working and stay home with a kiddo. I have a great job, but I want to try to give my kids something I didn't have, a stay @ home Mommy. We had a nest egg that we invested that went KERBLUNK when the market fell. We planned on using that money for about 5years so that I could stay at home. Mark that dream off the checklist too.
Along with the joy of visiting with family, we have one brand new member and 2 more on the way. So I will have to listen to OOoooo's and AAHhhhhh's all night long. I really feel nothing but total happiness for these beautiful angels that are a new part of our family. But the selfish wench in me is pretty ticked that I'm not the one with the big belly. Instead, I'm going to be the one that can't talk to anyone about anything because I haven't experienced any of it, and (the doom and gloom comes over me) might never ever experience it.
(Picking myself out of the gutter) I've got a 6pack in the freezer waiting for January to do the FET. I know. I guess I'm just sad because I came across both of my pictures of my embryos that we had transferred. I also opened my drawer and saw my $10,000 bears (yes,we have two of them). I walk past our kid sanctuary every day. And I mark Christmas as another year without our dream coming true. CHEEEEEEECK!
I don't do it all the time, but just because I'm jumping way deep into this pity pit, I also see my neice and see her getting older. I remind myself that we started this journey before she was born. She is now 5 1/2 years old.
I'm tired of waiting, tired of wanting, and tired of marking time by cycles and disappointments. I'm also beating myself up because I should have kept doing that darned progesterone after I started bleeding. For 2 seconds, we were pregnant. I hate that I can't beat up whatever took that feeling from me.
Gosh, I had been doing so well for so long. Guess its the holidays. My Grandma died on Nov 29, Aunt Dec 5, and Dad on Dec 31. I have a whole lot to be thankful for, but I'm aching and missing a lot of loved ones that I don't have to share this time of year with.
SNAP OUT OF IT!! I'm trying to kick myself in the butt! Hope is just .... sometimes.... a big ole fat BEYATCH!! It keeps me going.
I think Angel has been thankful we haven't had to talk about it for a few weeks. But the other night, I said, "we were pregnant". He said "yeah". I said, "and you knew it, before it was official". He said "yeah". I said,"you told me that it would all be ok and you knew it" he said "yeah", then he said, "but, you stopped the progesterone". Oh MY GOD! I killed my child. The dr said I didn't, but I can't shake the guilt. I tried so hard to get to that point, and I stopped it. I felt for sure that since it was full bleeding that there was no way that anything could help it. I did the cri_none for 2 days after full bleeding, then just felt there was no use. TMI- but I don't think it was even staying in there. Ok, this is just me, trying to rationalize. Thats the closest he's ever gotten to saying that I stopped the progesterone and that killed our kid. I said it outloud a couple times and he snapped me back to reality and said that the dr said that wasn't the case. BUT CMON! I GoOgLe. I know that low progesterone can cause a miscarriage. Maybe they are shielding me, or trying to.
Nothing I can do about it now. Keep my eyes on the FET in January. Try not to gorge myself on holiday food. Thanks for hanging in, sorry its so random. Thats kind of how my mind works.


Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry honey. Wish I could give you a big hug now. Will be sending you thoughts of strength to get you through this time and to the next cycle.

JJ said...

Im going to be sending you loads of virtual hugs over the holidays. And Ive already got mucho prayers and good thoughts aimed at your next cycle=) xoxox