Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Blaming Myself, a smidgen

Well I found myself blaming myself for the chem preg yesterday. When we were in the mountains, vacationing after the transfer, I remember sitting at dinner on a Thursday night saying, "I think the kid likes the steak." Never imagining there was actually SOMETHING in there. Then Friday, I started bleeding. I knew it was over. I knew it wasn't right.
So I keep going over and over in my mind the events that happened post transfer. I'm kicking myself but as we were walking down the street, this whacko exercise thing caught our eye. So we went into the store to try it out. I did, not even THINKING that it would be jarring my pelvic area some. So this is where the kicking myself comes in. That was "THE Thursday". I wasn't feeling anything that I hadn't felt before being on the progesterone. I didn't feel like really anything. But it/they were in there, and I screwed it up.
Now this is where reasonable Hollie comes in. Now Hollie, you didn't screw it up. If it was meant to be it would have been. Nothing you did (this comes from the RE) caused this. Well then snippy Hollie comes back and says, "DRS DON"T KNOW EVERYTHING".
Riding the guilty wave. This too will pass...


JJ said...

Get off that guilty train! Well, Im the worst person to say that, b/c I have the tendency to hold onto things too--but here's my assvice: give yourself a little bit of time to work through this feeling, and then really let it go--dont come back to it again! xoxox

Chelle said...

The reasonable Hollie is right: If it was meant to be, then it would have been. That's my mantra. It just wasn't meant to be. NO MATTER WHAT you think you did or didn't do. I promise.


Patricia said...

I loathe the self-doubts and wonderings that have a way of creeping back in. I think they're the mind's way of trying to find an explanation when we don't always get one.

You didn't make this happen, and I'm just so sorry that it did. Give yourself the time to grieve, talk to God about it, and ge gentle with yourself. That's all I can ever think to do.

battynurse said...

So sorry. I agree that the reasonable Hollie is right. It's hard though not to listen to the other one when you're trying to figure out the why's of everything.

Anonymous said...

Can I give some assvice here? As somebody who's had loads of chemical pregnancies and miscarriages. There is nothing you did to cause this. Its sucks and its horrible and its natural to look for reasons or causes as to why it happened. But give yourself sometime to grieve your loss.

Chelle said...

Just checking on you! You doing okay?