Friday, June 27, 2008
Finally Friday
Hi ya'll! TGIF. Its been a rough week. That tickle in my throat ended up being the plague. I was out a lot last week, feeling... oh so good. The sinus funk is still hanging around along with a cough. I have been busy reading blogs... and reading blogs. Its hard to keep up with everyone. I feel like I have 5000 friends and we all have so much in common. I have been renewed with hope at the announcement of BFP's lately. Ive also been touched by the out pouring of emotions that surrounds the not-so-grand side of IF. Some have celebrated birthdays and anniversaries of all kinds. Basically, I've just been soaking it all in, and being very grateful to be a part of the blogosphere. This is such a unique opportunity for us all. Can you imagine where you would be emotionally if this was 25 years ago? ART was in its infant stages, and a Commodore 64 was the bomb! No one had heard of the internet. WHOA, boggles the mind. I think back on women I've known without children and I think that if they had been born in this day and time, a child might have been a possibility for them. They lead fulfilling lives, but now I recognize that "something missing". I'm thankful to be able to share my thoughts and emotions with women that truly care and know all too well what I'm going through. Since I am still somewhat an in the closet infertile, I have a place where I can come to spew my emotions, however raw they may be. If I didn't have ya'll, I think I would have exploded by now. Thanks for being so awesome! Congrats to all that have experienced good things in the last little while. My heart goes out to those with not-so-grand news, and my sisters that are like me, hanging out... waiting, I pray for renewed hope.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Things going on....
1st- I have a terrible sore throat. Started a tickle last night, now full blown, feeling bad, sore throat that will probably have an accompanying fever soon.
2nd- I worked this weekend for a couple hours both days. I am terribly selfish with my weekend time and I feel robbed. So two hours of work along with 1 hour + of driving (takes 30 min one way) makes Hollie a bummed girl. Sorta felt like I spun my wheels all weekend, not getting either anything accomplished or did anything I wanted to do. I'm selfish. DB (Dear Boss-lady) has been more than wonderful to me and so super supportive. I can give her a little teensie weensie bit of my time for her to put up with all my life junk that keeps me from doing my actual job. Maybe its just that I'm starting to feel worse with this cold/whatever ailment I have.
3rd- Friend posed a question to me that has been on the brain lately too, just got me REALLY thinking after she said it. What about switching Dr's? Sounds easy, right? WRONG! There are only like 3 groups in the entire state. Two of which are extremely far from where I am, which poses a practicality problem. But WHAT IF a different dr makes THE difference? I have compared my dr's recommendations with that of other IFers and found her to be on the same page with others around the country. Also, the practice I see has 4 drs in it. All somewhat pioneers in different technologies related to ART. After I had been seeing them for a couple years, she started saying things like, "We talked about ___, We think ___" So she is talking with the other drs about my case. So really, its like having 4 drs, right? I like the staff well enough. I mainly see folks at the satellite office closer to my house. They are great. The big office, 2.5 hours away, where the BIG DEAL stuff happens and the dr is located, well its a big office. Although, the longer I go, the more people I become acquainted with. I don't know. Definitely going to have to think on this one. Any input?
4th- Life is just fragile. We get reminded of this when we see news headlines, or catch snippets on the TV. Also, sometimes, it hits home and someone close to us has a freak occurrence that you just wouldn't think could,would,should happen.
5th-I watched this movie with Angel the other night, "A smile like yours". Yeah, so I set myself up for that one. Dreams come true, yada yada. But what actually made Angel and I burst into laughter at the same time was the Ma..ster?bato_rium. How funny! Well we have a new name now for the "room". I think it was good for us to laugh about it, together. And, after the movie was finished, I said, I'm sorry that we have to do this for our dream of parenthood. He said, its just part of it. In Angel-ese that means, he has accepted it and thats our life. Sometimes, I think I havent fully accepted that its OUR LIFE!
This is how my mind works. Bouncing from one thing to another. Really overthinking things a lot. I say to myself, STOP OVERTHINKING IT! Yeah, not happening. Do they make a pill for that?
2nd- I worked this weekend for a couple hours both days. I am terribly selfish with my weekend time and I feel robbed. So two hours of work along with 1 hour + of driving (takes 30 min one way) makes Hollie a bummed girl. Sorta felt like I spun my wheels all weekend, not getting either anything accomplished or did anything I wanted to do. I'm selfish. DB (Dear Boss-lady) has been more than wonderful to me and so super supportive. I can give her a little teensie weensie bit of my time for her to put up with all my life junk that keeps me from doing my actual job. Maybe its just that I'm starting to feel worse with this cold/whatever ailment I have.
3rd- Friend posed a question to me that has been on the brain lately too, just got me REALLY thinking after she said it. What about switching Dr's? Sounds easy, right? WRONG! There are only like 3 groups in the entire state. Two of which are extremely far from where I am, which poses a practicality problem. But WHAT IF a different dr makes THE difference? I have compared my dr's recommendations with that of other IFers and found her to be on the same page with others around the country. Also, the practice I see has 4 drs in it. All somewhat pioneers in different technologies related to ART. After I had been seeing them for a couple years, she started saying things like, "We talked about ___, We think ___" So she is talking with the other drs about my case. So really, its like having 4 drs, right? I like the staff well enough. I mainly see folks at the satellite office closer to my house. They are great. The big office, 2.5 hours away, where the BIG DEAL stuff happens and the dr is located, well its a big office. Although, the longer I go, the more people I become acquainted with. I don't know. Definitely going to have to think on this one. Any input?
4th- Life is just fragile. We get reminded of this when we see news headlines, or catch snippets on the TV. Also, sometimes, it hits home and someone close to us has a freak occurrence that you just wouldn't think could,would,should happen.
5th-I watched this movie with Angel the other night, "A smile like yours". Yeah, so I set myself up for that one. Dreams come true, yada yada. But what actually made Angel and I burst into laughter at the same time was the Ma..ster?bato_rium. How funny! Well we have a new name now for the "room". I think it was good for us to laugh about it, together. And, after the movie was finished, I said, I'm sorry that we have to do this for our dream of parenthood. He said, its just part of it. In Angel-ese that means, he has accepted it and thats our life. Sometimes, I think I havent fully accepted that its OUR LIFE!
This is how my mind works. Bouncing from one thing to another. Really overthinking things a lot. I say to myself, STOP OVERTHINKING IT! Yeah, not happening. Do they make a pill for that?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
These are the days...
When I think about my younger days, I think of the 10,000 Maniacs song, "These are the days".
She talks about being "touched by something" and being "blessed and lucky". Well thats how I'm feeling these days.
I live a lot in the past. I had a really great childhood, despite a lot of issues with my mother. My father was beyond wonderful. He and I were best friends. I didn't know what it was to have a mother, but I had a Daddy x 10, which was ALL I needed. I had a great childhood,high school life, then on to college. Obviously, there was an innocence with my youth, that I will never get back. Something happened when Daddy died,I was 22. I think deep down, I thought life would never be that good again. I would never know that amount of love again. I have to admit, I was wrong. Its different, but I have that amount of love in my life, and I feel so blessed to have it. I do look back on the past now with a smile and a wink. I have day dreams and night dreams of what was. I love the past because it was happy, but better yet, I have come to know that it shaped who I am today. My aunt and I were talking the other evening, and she was asking where did I get my identity of myself. Took awhile to figure it out, but I think whole heartedly, I got it from my Daddy.
On this weekend, that commemorates the Daddy's of the world, I remember with a full heart how utterly wonderful my Daddy was, and hopefully, part of him will live on inside me. I can still hear his laughter, I wish I could still feel his hugs around me. I pray that one day, Angel will know what it is to be a Daddy, and I pray that our child cherishes that relationship as much as I did with my Daddy.
I also have to give a big shout out to the Braces Bunch that sent me the sweetest most encouraging little cards this week. YOU GIRLS ROCK AND ROLL! Thanks for lifting me up and keeping me going with this weight loss battle. I can't tell you what it means to know I've got pals out there rooting for me. I hope that I can lift you up in the same way, soon!
She talks about being "touched by something" and being "blessed and lucky". Well thats how I'm feeling these days.
I live a lot in the past. I had a really great childhood, despite a lot of issues with my mother. My father was beyond wonderful. He and I were best friends. I didn't know what it was to have a mother, but I had a Daddy x 10, which was ALL I needed. I had a great childhood,high school life, then on to college. Obviously, there was an innocence with my youth, that I will never get back. Something happened when Daddy died,I was 22. I think deep down, I thought life would never be that good again. I would never know that amount of love again. I have to admit, I was wrong. Its different, but I have that amount of love in my life, and I feel so blessed to have it. I do look back on the past now with a smile and a wink. I have day dreams and night dreams of what was. I love the past because it was happy, but better yet, I have come to know that it shaped who I am today. My aunt and I were talking the other evening, and she was asking where did I get my identity of myself. Took awhile to figure it out, but I think whole heartedly, I got it from my Daddy.
On this weekend, that commemorates the Daddy's of the world, I remember with a full heart how utterly wonderful my Daddy was, and hopefully, part of him will live on inside me. I can still hear his laughter, I wish I could still feel his hugs around me. I pray that one day, Angel will know what it is to be a Daddy, and I pray that our child cherishes that relationship as much as I did with my Daddy.
I also have to give a big shout out to the Braces Bunch that sent me the sweetest most encouraging little cards this week. YOU GIRLS ROCK AND ROLL! Thanks for lifting me up and keeping me going with this weight loss battle. I can't tell you what it means to know I've got pals out there rooting for me. I hope that I can lift you up in the same way, soon!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Funky Dream
I had the most vivid dream. I woke up and my heart was pounding. I actually even had a tear at the corner of my eye. Wanna know what it was about? 1 guess....
I first finished up my next IVF without hospitalization, major miracle. I went to the clinic, 1 hr away, for my beta. I had decided not to POAS before going. By the time I got home, having decided it best not to go to work that day, I couldn't stand it and had to POAS. I did, and for the first time in my life, I saw the second line.
I then woke up with a teddy bear being shoved in my face. It was my dog, Darla, waking me up to play. I told her to get back in her bed, so I could get back to my dream.
Fast forward to the first ultrasound. It would take place in the same room that I have had all of my umphteen violations. This time, I hopped up there with pride. Angel was right beside me, holding my hand. All our dreams came true, we saw the sac and heartbeat. The tears flowed absolutely uncontrollably.
It was so vivid. When I woke up, I was even short of breath. My heart was racing, and I felt this peace that I had never felt before. It closely resembled the peace I knew when I met Angel and just knew that it was meant to be.
This isn't the first time I've had this dream, but it has been awhile since I've had it. This time, there were subtle differences than the last. The mind is a wondrous thing. Its possible that without dreams like that, I wouldn't have the courage to go through another IVF. I wouldn't have the courage to lose the weight needed to avoid OHSS. I have never lost weight in my life, only gained. I am so happy about these 20 little itty bitty pounds, I can't see straight. Makes me want to work so much harder at eating right and exercising so that one day I can see that little bump bump on the screen, IN MY UTERUS!
I can be so cynical, down right crude at times. But a dream like this just makes me feel so blissful. I'm bordering on HOKEY. Okay, go ahead, I'm hokey! Its not just my dream, but all our dreams. I need someone that has been to the other side of the fence (suffered through IF and came out with a kiddo) to tell me that its all worth it. I know the answer, I just want to delve deeper in the actual feelings so that I can have something to look forward to.
My prayer for all of us is that we know what this dream is like in real life, and we know the peace that comes along with it.
I first finished up my next IVF without hospitalization, major miracle. I went to the clinic, 1 hr away, for my beta. I had decided not to POAS before going. By the time I got home, having decided it best not to go to work that day, I couldn't stand it and had to POAS. I did, and for the first time in my life, I saw the second line.
I then woke up with a teddy bear being shoved in my face. It was my dog, Darla, waking me up to play. I told her to get back in her bed, so I could get back to my dream.
Fast forward to the first ultrasound. It would take place in the same room that I have had all of my umphteen violations. This time, I hopped up there with pride. Angel was right beside me, holding my hand. All our dreams came true, we saw the sac and heartbeat. The tears flowed absolutely uncontrollably.
It was so vivid. When I woke up, I was even short of breath. My heart was racing, and I felt this peace that I had never felt before. It closely resembled the peace I knew when I met Angel and just knew that it was meant to be.
This isn't the first time I've had this dream, but it has been awhile since I've had it. This time, there were subtle differences than the last. The mind is a wondrous thing. Its possible that without dreams like that, I wouldn't have the courage to go through another IVF. I wouldn't have the courage to lose the weight needed to avoid OHSS. I have never lost weight in my life, only gained. I am so happy about these 20 little itty bitty pounds, I can't see straight. Makes me want to work so much harder at eating right and exercising so that one day I can see that little bump bump on the screen, IN MY UTERUS!
I can be so cynical, down right crude at times. But a dream like this just makes me feel so blissful. I'm bordering on HOKEY. Okay, go ahead, I'm hokey! Its not just my dream, but all our dreams. I need someone that has been to the other side of the fence (suffered through IF and came out with a kiddo) to tell me that its all worth it. I know the answer, I just want to delve deeper in the actual feelings so that I can have something to look forward to.
My prayer for all of us is that we know what this dream is like in real life, and we know the peace that comes along with it.
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