Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Funky Dream

I had the most vivid dream. I woke up and my heart was pounding. I actually even had a tear at the corner of my eye. Wanna know what it was about? 1 guess....
I first finished up my next IVF without hospitalization, major miracle. I went to the clinic, 1 hr away, for my beta. I had decided not to POAS before going. By the time I got home, having decided it best not to go to work that day, I couldn't stand it and had to POAS. I did, and for the first time in my life, I saw the second line.
I then woke up with a teddy bear being shoved in my face. It was my dog, Darla, waking me up to play. I told her to get back in her bed, so I could get back to my dream.
Fast forward to the first ultrasound. It would take place in the same room that I have had all of my umphteen violations. This time, I hopped up there with pride. Angel was right beside me, holding my hand. All our dreams came true, we saw the sac and heartbeat. The tears flowed absolutely uncontrollably.
It was so vivid. When I woke up, I was even short of breath. My heart was racing, and I felt this peace that I had never felt before. It closely resembled the peace I knew when I met Angel and just knew that it was meant to be.
This isn't the first time I've had this dream, but it has been awhile since I've had it. This time, there were subtle differences than the last. The mind is a wondrous thing. Its possible that without dreams like that, I wouldn't have the courage to go through another IVF. I wouldn't have the courage to lose the weight needed to avoid OHSS. I have never lost weight in my life, only gained. I am so happy about these 20 little itty bitty pounds, I can't see straight. Makes me want to work so much harder at eating right and exercising so that one day I can see that little bump bump on the screen, IN MY UTERUS!
I can be so cynical, down right crude at times. But a dream like this just makes me feel so blissful. I'm bordering on HOKEY. Okay, go ahead, I'm hokey! Its not just my dream, but all our dreams. I need someone that has been to the other side of the fence (suffered through IF and came out with a kiddo) to tell me that its all worth it. I know the answer, I just want to delve deeper in the actual feelings so that I can have something to look forward to.
My prayer for all of us is that we know what this dream is like in real life, and we know the peace that comes along with it.


Trace said...

Don't sell yourself short. 20 lbs is NOT itty bitty!

Jendeis said...

20 lbs!!!! You rock, girl! I'm so proud of all that you have accomplished! Hope I can get there with you.

D said...

20 pounds! What I wouldn't give!
(it's more like what I wont give up)
I found your blog by accident! Love your writing.
Come over for a visit!

Samantha said...

20 pounds - that's great! You are on the way to your dream.

Thanks for the congrats. I'm emailing you on my protocol.