Isaiah 40:31

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall walk and not be weary, they shall run and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Monday, February 16, 2009

I don't know how to do this...

Okay, terribly honest post here. I don't know how to be "the P word". I'm still in limbo. I'm stuck. We haven't told EVERYONE, our immediate family and a few CHOICE friends that have been praying for us, but thats it.
I was telling Angel that I know how to prepare for IVF. I know how to do all the stuff that it took for us to get this far, but as far as the other side, I'm clueless! My ole dusty book is almost useless. So I've turned to the internet for its good and bad insights. I have simply never been HERE before in my life. I'm in such a la la land that I actually DON"T KNOW where HERE is?! Just bizarre I tell you!
So is this what it feels like for my dreams to come true? If it is, its just plain weird. Other than being tired, I don't FEEL any different. Some AF type cramps every once in awhile, but thats it. I don't feel like I've graduated or have moved to where the "grass is greener". I don't know whether to allow myself to be happy, sad, negative, positive, elated, cautious... it feels weird!
I've been fighting IF so long, I don't know how to shut that off. How do I stop fighting? How do I say, "Hey, dude, STOP IT. You reached your goal, enjoy it."
Its wayyy to early for all this. But I'm wondering WHEN is it time? When is long enough to be in the "I dunno" mode?
The nurse just called and I'm 5 weeks 1 day today. Puts my due date right around my seventh anniversary. Oh and I do have to wait until Feb 23 for my ultrasound, Angel can't get off work for the 20th. Disappointing but I can wait... can't I?

5 comments:

Chelle said...

Sorry you have to wait for the u/s!

It must be pretty scary and so exciting to be in these uncharted waters! I am so happy for you!

Perri said...

You are in my prayers that you will have a wonderful pregnancy :) ENJOY!

noswimmers said...

I know just how you feel. After trying for SO LONG, you don't know what to do/think/feel when you FINALLY reach the 'next step'. Just enjoy it as much as possible!

CONGRATS again!

Alexicographer said...

I didn't either, but things turned out OK. First I went through pregnancy doing the same sort of researching I'd been doing (on an as-needed basis, of course) for/about IVF, with the cautionary note that I never allowed myself to read more than a week or so ahead in the pregnancy books. Then because I hadn't (out of fear of jinxing myself) allowed myself to read any "how to" books about actual babies, we kind of had to wing it once he was born but actually ... it worked (we've all survived nearly 2 years since his birth). So hang in there. It turns out you don't have to know (or fully believe) all this stuff for it to work out...

Delenn said...

Congratulations on being the "P" word!

For the first few months, it really doesn't feel that much different than cycling. And at those times, it is so unbelievable that you are.

That u/s will help you realize that it is real.

As for getting through pregnancy--it really does help to read some of those baby books, like What to Expect, etc. But don't over Google...there are so many symptoms, etc. that are vague--you could be freaking yourself out all the time!

The best of luck to you guys!