I have followed a story presented on TV about a professor at Carnegie-Mellon University, Randy Pausch. His story, his lecture, his way of life, his outlook it has all given me such a source of strength. If you aren't familiar with him, Check it out.
Often I think of death. I have strangely, since I was very young. I have several wills that I drew up as a child. Leaving things to people I loved, like my bike to my best friend P___, because it reminded me of our long afternoons riding. My dolls to my young friend, S___. Thinking that she might use them as she gets older. Things like that. Always really wanting to take care of people, make them a little happier, if I should go to heaven without warning.
I am an only child. I grew up around a lot of adults. I tend to find friendship with older people, and do it with ease. Guess its what I know best. Something I have faced as I've gotten older is that my small little circle of family has all passed. One by one, year by year, all the people that shaped my childhood died. It was when the last one died in 2006 that I felt so alone. How could I feel alone? My husband has a huge family. By marriage and blood, he is of some relation to most of the county.
But its those sweet souls that were there when I scraped my knee, or needed help when I had wisdom teeth surgery, or brought me skittles on days that I was down, thats what I miss. Life goes on, you learn a new "normal". But my heart from time to time goes back to how things were, those that I loved, those that loved me, and I remember such happy moments. I have a tendency to have a pity party when something bad happens. Then I kick myself in the butt and say, "there are so many more people in the world today that don't have a fraction of the opportunities that you have. There are so many people that don't know the love that you have known or will know. Think about the things most important in the world, and focus on those."
So to me, the most important things in life are very simple, Love and investments in people. All the little things I try to do in my life revolve around those two things. Money comes and goes, things can be gone in an instant. You carry with you mostly memories of love and how someone made you feel when you were around them. I want to make the most of that time.
I've spoken of my Daddy many times. He continues to be the source of my strength. I miss him so much every day it hurts. It has been 7 1/2 years and the pain feels like it happened yesterday. My Dad's way of parenting is something that I hope and pray that I can instill in my children. He was always there, but from an early age, he trusted me to make my own decisions about everything. From jobs to boyfriends, he allowed me to live and learn. Only two things he told me I couldn't do my whole life, Smoke and go to Guatemala for Spring Break (there was a civil war going on at the time).
Why am I blubbering about all this on a blog about infertility? Because throughout all this time, I've tried every step of the way to rationalize why things are this way. (I say this next statement in hopes that it brings someone else peace) It was just the cards I was dealt. I don't think its unfair, I think it was just my journey. Just a "brick wall" that Pausch talks about. Something put in my way to strengthen my character. If life was easy, it wouldn't be worth living. You need the bad to feel grateful for the good. As Pausch says,"You have to decide if you are going to be a Tigger or an Eeyore." I choose Tigger.
I also got an insight into Angel's thinking about me, who I am as a person. We were at our niece's 5th birthday party, and he was telling someone, "You don't ever say NO to Hollie, she won't accept it." At that moment, tears flooded my eyes. He was right. No one can say no to me. I don't accept it. I was always told that if you wanted something bad enough, you could work hard and get it. Well, up until now, I've said that isn't possible when it comes to IF. I'm rescinding my statement to say that my ultimate goal is for a child to live in our home with us. So if that means that I cannot give birth, so be it. I will be sad, but we will persevere and attain our goal some way else.
We are getting closer to Aug4. The day we go see the RE and get the 2nd IVF ball rolling. Angel and I are more in tune with each other than ever before. I think we are more spiritually, mentally, and definitely physically more able to handle the stresses this time around. I feel like I'm preparing for the Super Bowl. More push ups, more sit ups, more communication, GO GO GO!
I think Prof Pausch would be happy to know that his "Last Lecture" has impacted so many people to really know what is important in life. Kudos to you, Randy Pausch. May God welcome you with open arms to His kingdom, and continue to bless your family today and everyday.