Mild Panic

Picture this. Last night's routine, going rather well. We played, cooed, and stared at each other. All is well in our household. It is time for a bath. We get into the bath and out of the bath without a hitch. I put him on the warm bathroom counter, on a nice fluffy towel, to get him ready for bed. Diaper goes on, no problem. Then I pick him up to lay his sleepy suit under him. All is still well. Then he coughs. Then he spews. Then, my baby stopped breathing.

I am holding him at this point, and I shook him, pretty hard. Nothing happens. He is turning very red and he is flailing his arms and legs. Then I just smacked him on the back, REALLY hard. He let out the most beautiful cry. It was the "I'm madder than heck" cry, but to a panicked Mom, it was beautiful. I fling open the door to the bathroom. YELL to the top of my lungs for Angel. He must have SPRINTED up the stairs. I handed my screaming baby to his Daddy. Then I proceeded to fall to pieces. I was shaking. I couldn't believe what had just happened to my 15 week old child!

To say the least it was a rude awakening to the fact that my life will be like this for the rest of my days. I will always worry, always obsess, always wonder if I'm doing the right thing for this child that God has given us. We have been given an awesome responsibility. Angel reminded me that this is the first of many panic moments that we will go through, and they will all turn out okay. I'm glad he was all calm, but he wasn't so calm last week when he nicked HM's thumb while trying to cut his nails. In fact, he doesn't even want you to mention cutting fingernails. But we have survived our first couple of tragedies. Maybe when HM is 20, we will look back on this and laugh.

Next week, HM starts day care half days. I have no idea how to feel about that. I have been dreading it, however, I don't know if I REALLY DREAD IT or if I dread it because people tell me I'm supposed to dread it. I know it will be for the best. He needs the interaction with kids, which he loves. He needs to be independent, and its supposedly easier to transition them now rather than later. Maybe I'm convincing my self of all of this. Still trying to figure all this out, as you can probably tell.