Today it hit me

What would it be like to create a child and a Dr not be involved? What would it be like for the words to come out of my mouth, "hehee this is our OOOPS baby." That concept is so foreign to me. I think along with each step in this journey, I have to take a deep breath and realize that this is how it is for us. I scour the internet for information, one more tidbit about what I'm dealing with. How many ways can you say "Chem.Ical Pregn*ancy". Believe me, I've searched for them all! Just for some tidbit. Some morsel that I missed. Something that the Dr or Nurses aren't telling me. Haven't found it.

Were those lil' embies, the ones I had pictures of, were they really in there? Had they actually found a spot and thrived for 30 seconds? Enough to get the beta to go up a smidgen? I haven't thought of it this way until now. Those were part of us, part Angel and part me. More importantly is that for the first time in my life, I was completely responsible, even if it was a short time, for someone other than myself. Its a surreal feeling.
I guess things have just happened really fast. All the while, I've had to work, meet deadlines, go to the grocery store, do laundry, deal with my family. Imagine this: Life goes on while you are in the midst of something tragic. MAJOR REVELATION!
In some ways, I'm glad that things go on, so that I don't have time to dwell. It doesn't make it any easier to get to sleep at night though. My beta was 16 on Monday. So guess that means that if I had AF in the month of November (my body is so whacked out right now, who knows) that I could possibly do an FET.

So then my mind says, LOOK! Don't rush this thing. Work, the holidays, parties, etc.... it will be really hard to #1 keep it a secret, #2 Explain why I won't be attending da da da (oh boy have I come up with some hum dingers) #3 (Just to try to make this the longest run on sentence EVER) Keep up with the pressure of it all, #4 Come up with the 2 grand its going to cost us.

I don't think I've ever felt jealousy at the announcement of a new child. I think the feeling can be best described as a wake up call. It wakes me up to the fact that Angel is now 40, turning 41 in February. I'm going to be 32 in March. My mother was 32 when she had me and I ALWAYS said I would have kids before this because she was too old when I was growing up to do things with me. Now, I realize that it wasn't so much the age factor, but the WhACko factor that kept my mother from doing things with me. Its a smack in the face that these people that JUST HAD "YA KNOW", conceived, and had a baby. UNFATHOMABLE! Reminder of how long we've been at this. How long I've been taking prenatal vitamins. Reminder of how naive I was when I started taking prenatal vitamins. Reminder of all the disappointing phone calls I got, and all the disappointing phone calls I had to make to friends. Its just a smackaroo in the ole kisser to think that. So when someone says, "I'm pg!", these are the things that run through my head like a bad dream. I always have had a dream, silly I know, to be able to announce a pregnancy at Christmas. I thought this time, it would really happen. But for the 4th year in a row, it will not come true.

Something funny. They had free flu shots at work. We were all standing in line and the folks that were coming out of the area they were giving the shots were saying, "Owwch, that hurt". I felt like yelling "YOU PANSY!! Try getting 3.5cc PROG*ESTERO.NE In OIL In your backside everyday for 20 days and enduring cellulitis and 102 degree fever along with it. But all along, saying, I've got to keep doing this because I might be pg. " Yeah, shuttup about the stinkin' flu shot with a tiny needle and .5ml of liquid. just SHUTTUP!