broken

I had to type into the search bar of my browser to try to figure out how to get back to my blog. That is how long its been since I've written. 
This is how my 2013 has shaped up. 

1. January: FET 3 embies
2. February: joyous news, one embie made it!
3. March: my birthday, the day we lost our precious baby (~8wks along)
4. April: the month that we received the news that our baby was a girl and she was genetically perfect in every way. 
5. August: fast forward through a few months of grief. In all of our scenarios, the one that happened was the one we didn't prepare for.

On my birthday, I was walking in the yard and felt something not right. Went to bathroom and freaked. The freaking out and contractions (and other ickyness) lasted for 3 days and nights until she arrived in the dr office. The way we know she was perfectly healthy was because they did this test on her. The reason for the miscarriage is somewhat unclear. I had a blood clot in my cervix. It wasn't a subchorionic hematoma.  Honestly, they never came out and said it, but my progesterone was always on the very low side of "ok". I think there was blood there because my endometrial lining wasn't hanging in there because my progesterone was so low. I never had the follow up appointment with the dr. I had promised Angel that we would do no more treatments after this. I also could not bring myself to go back into that office again. To smell that soap in the restroom, to hear the buzzing of that particular air conditioner that I had listened to while I was waiting to find out if our baby was alive or dead. I just couldn't do it.
Where am I now? I still ache every day. Not for another baby, but for my baby. She has a name, and at night, before I go to bed, I whisper her name to myself to acknowledge that she isn't forgotten. Angel has seemingly moved on. He says things like, "it was for the best, we are too old for a baby." Which rips me to shreds. I hug my baby boy so tight, knowing he would have been the absolute best big brother. I always said that girls "scare me". Honestly, they do because I know what it's like to be one! Of course, my fears would have subsided the moment I held my sweet angel girl.She was a human being and I saw her heartbeat on 4 separate occasions. I saw her tiny arm and leg buds. There will always be a hole that no one or thing could ever fill.

Burdens right now…

1. I have a ton of baby stuff that I now have to get out of my house some way, somehow
2. I feel like my body has been used up and won’t carry a child again.
3. I feel guilty for asking God for one more miracle, we’ve had too many already.
4. I promised Angel we wouldn’t do ART again. I have to begrudgingly keep that promise.
5. At this point, I don’t think I could even fathom seeking out an adoption. Not because I’m not genetically linked to a child, but because if some person on this planet decided to take that child from me, I would not be able to live. It would break me in ways that I do not think I could recover from. It’s unfair to put my family in that position.
6. If we were to be one of those people that became “spontaneously pregnant” as the Nurse Practitioner put it, I would be scared to death the whole time because I didn’t have all the “help” that I did before of the drugs.
7. I just want my baby back. I want that damned clot to have never formed for whatever reason. I want to go back to life as it was 5 months ago.
8. My birthday will never be a day I celebrate again.