"The Last Lecture"

I have followed a story presented on TV about a professor at Carnegie-Mellon University, Randy Pausch. His story, his lecture, his way of life, his outlook it has all given me such a source of strength. If you aren't familiar with him, Check it out.

Often I think of death. I have strangely, since I was very young. I have several wills that I drew up as a child. Leaving things to people I loved, like my bike to my best friend P___, because it reminded me of our long afternoons riding. My dolls to my young friend, S___. Thinking that she might use them as she gets older. Things like that. Always really wanting to take care of people, make them a little happier, if I should go to heaven without warning.

I am an only child. I grew up around a lot of adults. I tend to find friendship with older people, and do it with ease. Guess its what I know best. Something I have faced as I've gotten older is that my small little circle of family has all passed. One by one, year by year, all the people that shaped my childhood died. It was when the last one died in 2006 that I felt so alone. How could I feel alone? My husband has a huge family. By marriage and blood, he is of some relation to most of the county.

But its those sweet souls that were there when I scraped my knee, or needed help when I had wisdom teeth surgery, or brought me skittles on days that I was down, thats what I miss. Life goes on, you learn a new "normal". But my heart from time to time goes back to how things were, those that I loved, those that loved me, and I remember such happy moments. I have a tendency to have a pity party when something bad happens. Then I kick myself in the butt and say, "there are so many more people in the world today that don't have a fraction of the opportunities that you have. There are so many people that don't know the love that you have known or will know. Think about the things most important in the world, and focus on those."

So to me, the most important things in life are very simple, Love and investments in people. All the little things I try to do in my life revolve around those two things. Money comes and goes, things can be gone in an instant. You carry with you mostly memories of love and how someone made you feel when you were around them. I want to make the most of that time.

I've spoken of my Daddy many times. He continues to be the source of my strength. I miss him so much every day it hurts. It has been 7 1/2 years and the pain feels like it happened yesterday. My Dad's way of parenting is something that I hope and pray that I can instill in my children. He was always there, but from an early age, he trusted me to make my own decisions about everything. From jobs to boyfriends, he allowed me to live and learn. Only two things he told me I couldn't do my whole life, Smoke and go to Guatemala for Spring Break (there was a civil war going on at the time).

Why am I blubbering about all this on a blog about infertility? Because throughout all this time, I've tried every step of the way to rationalize why things are this way. (I say this next statement in hopes that it brings someone else peace) It was just the cards I was dealt. I don't think its unfair, I think it was just my journey. Just a "brick wall" that Pausch talks about. Something put in my way to strengthen my character. If life was easy, it wouldn't be worth living. You need the bad to feel grateful for the good. As Pausch says,"You have to decide if you are going to be a Tigger or an Eeyore." I choose Tigger.

I also got an insight into Angel's thinking about me, who I am as a person. We were at our niece's 5th birthday party, and he was telling someone, "You don't ever say NO to Hollie, she won't accept it." At that moment, tears flooded my eyes. He was right. No one can say no to me. I don't accept it. I was always told that if you wanted something bad enough, you could work hard and get it. Well, up until now, I've said that isn't possible when it comes to IF. I'm rescinding my statement to say that my ultimate goal is for a child to live in our home with us. So if that means that I cannot give birth, so be it. I will be sad, but we will persevere and attain our goal some way else.

We are getting closer to Aug4. The day we go see the RE and get the 2nd IVF ball rolling. Angel and I are more in tune with each other than ever before. I think we are more spiritually, mentally, and definitely physically more able to handle the stresses this time around. I feel like I'm preparing for the Super Bowl. More push ups, more sit ups, more communication, GO GO GO!

I think Prof Pausch would be happy to know that his "Last Lecture" has impacted so many people to really know what is important in life. Kudos to you, Randy Pausch. May God welcome you with open arms to His kingdom, and continue to bless your family today and everyday.

Sorry its been so long!

Hi Ya'll,
Sorry it has been so long. I can't tell you how busy I've been at work and home in the last few weeks. I hope that after this week, it will slow down a bit.
All is well with me, still anticipating my dr appt on Aug 4th. I've lost my prescribed amount of weight (30 pounds, so far) and am hoping for the best.
Will write more when I get a chance. Thanks for all the well wishes and good luck vibes. Ya'll are the best!
~H

A time for reflection

It was this time last year that I was knee deep in IVF. Some days, I still cant fathom that I got all the way through the entire process, had good news from the embryologist, and WHAMMO! OHSS, hospitalization, and the consequences of not being able to transfer our beautiful, FRESH embies.
I am older and wiser this year. I have lost 28 pounds so far. I have increased my stamina with an exercise routine. I am eating better than I ever have in my entire life. Maybe I needed this past year to get my body geared up for a guest.
I scheduled my appointment with the RE to discuss our next IVF adventure. It is August 4th. I have it plastered on every calendar I own. I'm feeling a little twinge in my right side, and I pray that it isn't an enlarged follicle or some sort of s*it like that. I did have a smidgen of endometriosis when they did the laparoscopy in January. Does it come back that fast? Maybe I just pulled a muscle. Yep, that is what I'm going to tell myself. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm excited to see my girls again at the clinic. I go to a satellite office that isn't as far away as the real deal big office. They only have 4 women that work there: Nurse Practitioner, RN,LPN and receptionist. I have grown to love them all. I cant wait to see their faces after they see the weight loss. Last time I saw them, I told them I would be back in minus 30 pound shape in the fall. WHOOPIE!!
Such a huge sense of accomplishment. I never thought I could A-quit smoking B-lose weight C-Give up my insatiable thirst for an unsweetened iced tea. This quest for a baby will make me do anything! Although, I fudge a bit and have an iced tea about once a week. OH HOW GOOD IT IS!
Yall have a great 4th. I love national holidays like this one. I am so proud to be an American. While we are shooting fireworks and slurping watermelon, let us not forget the men and women that protect and serve our nation. Also the precious souls that have bled and died for our freedom. God Bless them ALL!

Finally Friday

Hi ya'll! TGIF. Its been a rough week. That tickle in my throat ended up being the plague. I was out a lot last week, feeling... oh so good. The sinus funk is still hanging around along with a cough. I have been busy reading blogs... and reading blogs. Its hard to keep up with everyone. I feel like I have 5000 friends and we all have so much in common. I have been renewed with hope at the announcement of BFP's lately. Ive also been touched by the out pouring of emotions that surrounds the not-so-grand side of IF. Some have celebrated birthdays and anniversaries of all kinds. Basically, I've just been soaking it all in, and being very grateful to be a part of the blogosphere. This is such a unique opportunity for us all. Can you imagine where you would be emotionally if this was 25 years ago? ART was in its infant stages, and a Commodore 64 was the bomb! No one had heard of the internet. WHOA, boggles the mind. I think back on women I've known without children and I think that if they had been born in this day and time, a child might have been a possibility for them. They lead fulfilling lives, but now I recognize that "something missing". I'm thankful to be able to share my thoughts and emotions with women that truly care and know all too well what I'm going through. Since I am still somewhat an in the closet infertile, I have a place where I can come to spew my emotions, however raw they may be. If I didn't have ya'll, I think I would have exploded by now. Thanks for being so awesome! Congrats to all that have experienced good things in the last little while. My heart goes out to those with not-so-grand news, and my sisters that are like me, hanging out... waiting, I pray for renewed hope.

Things going on....

1st- I have a terrible sore throat. Started a tickle last night, now full blown, feeling bad, sore throat that will probably have an accompanying fever soon.
2nd- I worked this weekend for a couple hours both days. I am terribly selfish with my weekend time and I feel robbed. So two hours of work along with 1 hour + of driving (takes 30 min one way) makes Hollie a bummed girl. Sorta felt like I spun my wheels all weekend, not getting either anything accomplished or did anything I wanted to do. I'm selfish. DB (Dear Boss-lady) has been more than wonderful to me and so super supportive. I can give her a little teensie weensie bit of my time for her to put up with all my life junk that keeps me from doing my actual job. Maybe its just that I'm starting to feel worse with this cold/whatever ailment I have.
3rd- Friend posed a question to me that has been on the brain lately too, just got me REALLY thinking after she said it. What about switching Dr's? Sounds easy, right? WRONG! There are only like 3 groups in the entire state. Two of which are extremely far from where I am, which poses a practicality problem. But WHAT IF a different dr makes THE difference? I have compared my dr's recommendations with that of other IFers and found her to be on the same page with others around the country. Also, the practice I see has 4 drs in it. All somewhat pioneers in different technologies related to ART. After I had been seeing them for a couple years, she started saying things like, "We talked about ___, We think ___" So she is talking with the other drs about my case. So really, its like having 4 drs, right? I like the staff well enough. I mainly see folks at the satellite office closer to my house. They are great. The big office, 2.5 hours away, where the BIG DEAL stuff happens and the dr is located, well its a big office. Although, the longer I go, the more people I become acquainted with. I don't know. Definitely going to have to think on this one. Any input?
4th- Life is just fragile. We get reminded of this when we see news headlines, or catch snippets on the TV. Also, sometimes, it hits home and someone close to us has a freak occurrence that you just wouldn't think could,would,should happen.
5th-I watched this movie with Angel the other night, "A smile like yours". Yeah, so I set myself up for that one. Dreams come true, yada yada. But what actually made Angel and I burst into laughter at the same time was the Ma..ster?bato_rium. How funny! Well we have a new name now for the "room". I think it was good for us to laugh about it, together. And, after the movie was finished, I said, I'm sorry that we have to do this for our dream of parenthood. He said, its just part of it. In Angel-ese that means, he has accepted it and thats our life. Sometimes, I think I havent fully accepted that its OUR LIFE!

This is how my mind works. Bouncing from one thing to another. Really overthinking things a lot. I say to myself, STOP OVERTHINKING IT! Yeah, not happening. Do they make a pill for that?