PUNISH ME ALREADY!

I looked at this picture of me today. This was in the 9 day wait after transfer after my 2nd IVF. In this picture, I'm sorta the "p" word. The embie was hanging in there. We had such a good time on our trip to the mountains. It was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off the transfer. Maybe that's why it sorta worked! Or was it the weight loss. Or did I kill my child on some crazy exercise equipment I just HAD TO TRY.
Lord, PLEASE HELP MY MIND TO STOP PUNISHING ME! Please help me to let this go. Please help me to know that there was NOTHING I could do. I know it in my head, but please share it with my heart. Please remind me that I don't always know what's best and that the path you have chosen for me is perfect for ME. Please give me patience and peace.

Dreams off a checklist

We are having Christmas early with our family. Everyone has work and various other responsibilities, and this coming Saturday just worked.
I got a sinking feeling a few minutes ago when my SIL emailed about what to bring. That was going to be THE DAY. Saturday would have been the day that we told everyone we were the "p" word. If things had gone alright, I would have been 14 weeks along and we would have felt good about telling folks. Yep, mark that dream off the checklist.
Also, I've had this silly notion that I could quit working and stay home with a kiddo. I have a great job, but I want to try to give my kids something I didn't have, a stay @ home Mommy. We had a nest egg that we invested that went KERBLUNK when the market fell. We planned on using that money for about 5years so that I could stay at home. Mark that dream off the checklist too.
Along with the joy of visiting with family, we have one brand new member and 2 more on the way. So I will have to listen to OOoooo's and AAHhhhhh's all night long. I really feel nothing but total happiness for these beautiful angels that are a new part of our family. But the selfish wench in me is pretty ticked that I'm not the one with the big belly. Instead, I'm going to be the one that can't talk to anyone about anything because I haven't experienced any of it, and (the doom and gloom comes over me) might never ever experience it.
(Picking myself out of the gutter) I've got a 6pack in the freezer waiting for January to do the FET. I know. I guess I'm just sad because I came across both of my pictures of my embryos that we had transferred. I also opened my drawer and saw my $10,000 bears (yes,we have two of them). I walk past our kid sanctuary every day. And I mark Christmas as another year without our dream coming true. CHEEEEEEECK!
I don't do it all the time, but just because I'm jumping way deep into this pity pit, I also see my neice and see her getting older. I remind myself that we started this journey before she was born. She is now 5 1/2 years old.
I'm tired of waiting, tired of wanting, and tired of marking time by cycles and disappointments. I'm also beating myself up because I should have kept doing that darned progesterone after I started bleeding. For 2 seconds, we were pregnant. I hate that I can't beat up whatever took that feeling from me.
Gosh, I had been doing so well for so long. Guess its the holidays. My Grandma died on Nov 29, Aunt Dec 5, and Dad on Dec 31. I have a whole lot to be thankful for, but I'm aching and missing a lot of loved ones that I don't have to share this time of year with.
SNAP OUT OF IT!! I'm trying to kick myself in the butt! Hope is just .... sometimes.... a big ole fat BEYATCH!! It keeps me going.
I think Angel has been thankful we haven't had to talk about it for a few weeks. But the other night, I said, "we were pregnant". He said "yeah". I said, "and you knew it, before it was official". He said "yeah". I said,"you told me that it would all be ok and you knew it" he said "yeah", then he said, "but, you stopped the progesterone". Oh MY GOD! I killed my child. The dr said I didn't, but I can't shake the guilt. I tried so hard to get to that point, and I stopped it. I felt for sure that since it was full bleeding that there was no way that anything could help it. I did the cri_none for 2 days after full bleeding, then just felt there was no use. TMI- but I don't think it was even staying in there. Ok, this is just me, trying to rationalize. Thats the closest he's ever gotten to saying that I stopped the progesterone and that killed our kid. I said it outloud a couple times and he snapped me back to reality and said that the dr said that wasn't the case. BUT CMON! I GoOgLe. I know that low progesterone can cause a miscarriage. Maybe they are shielding me, or trying to.
Nothing I can do about it now. Keep my eyes on the FET in January. Try not to gorge myself on holiday food. Thanks for hanging in, sorry its so random. Thats kind of how my mind works.

didja ever think...

Hey Ya'll! Tgiving was good, turkey and all, YUM! AF (aka Mildred) showed yesterday. I was so tempted to call the RE and say, "I'm Day 1". But then I'm trying to stick to our original plan of waiting until January. I think it will be for the best. Give us some time to save up for the FET. I've got to save some leave time from work, some money from my paycheck, and some of my sanity. Each cycle takes so much out of you, but here I go, preaching to the choir. I feel like I'm gearing up for a big expedition, and to some extent, I am.
In the mean time, here are some things that I've been thinking about off and on. Start each sentence with "DIDJA EVER THINK..."

1- It would take this long?
2- It would hurt this much?
3- You would be "the last one"?
4- You could hear the word "negative" and not cry?
5- It would cost this much?
6-It would consume your life this much?
7- your dreams wouldn't come true?
8-you would yearn for something so much, it was physically painful?
9- you would give yourself a shot of ANYTHING?!
10- It would take this much courage to go through each day?

Dear God

This was sent to me by a friend. I needed it so very much. I hope it brings you peace as well.

DEAR GOD:
I want to thank You for what you have already done.

I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank You right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank You right now

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking You right now. I am thanking You because I am alive. I am thanking You because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking You because I have walked around the obstacles.

I am thanking You because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I'm thanking You because, FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

God is good, and He's good all the time. Continue to THANK God.

Blaming Myself, a smidgen

Well I found myself blaming myself for the chem preg yesterday. When we were in the mountains, vacationing after the transfer, I remember sitting at dinner on a Thursday night saying, "I think the kid likes the steak." Never imagining there was actually SOMETHING in there. Then Friday, I started bleeding. I knew it was over. I knew it wasn't right.
So I keep going over and over in my mind the events that happened post transfer. I'm kicking myself but as we were walking down the street, this whacko exercise thing caught our eye. So we went into the store to try it out. I did, not even THINKING that it would be jarring my pelvic area some. So this is where the kicking myself comes in. That was "THE Thursday". I wasn't feeling anything that I hadn't felt before being on the progesterone. I didn't feel like really anything. But it/they were in there, and I screwed it up.
Now this is where reasonable Hollie comes in. Now Hollie, you didn't screw it up. If it was meant to be it would have been. Nothing you did (this comes from the RE) caused this. Well then snippy Hollie comes back and says, "DRS DON"T KNOW EVERYTHING".
Riding the guilty wave. This too will pass...