1st- I have a terrible sore throat. Started a tickle last night, now full blown, feeling bad, sore throat that will probably have an accompanying fever soon.
2nd- I worked this weekend for a couple hours both days. I am terribly selfish with my weekend time and I feel robbed. So two hours of work along with 1 hour + of driving (takes 30 min one way) makes Hollie a bummed girl. Sorta felt like I spun my wheels all weekend, not getting either anything accomplished or did anything I wanted to do. I'm selfish. DB (Dear Boss-lady) has been more than wonderful to me and so super supportive. I can give her a little teensie weensie bit of my time for her to put up with all my life junk that keeps me from doing my actual job. Maybe its just that I'm starting to feel worse with this cold/whatever ailment I have.
3rd- Friend posed a question to me that has been on the brain lately too, just got me REALLY thinking after she said it. What about switching Dr's? Sounds easy, right? WRONG! There are only like 3 groups in the entire state. Two of which are extremely far from where I am, which poses a practicality problem. But WHAT IF a different dr makes THE difference? I have compared my dr's recommendations with that of other IFers and found her to be on the same page with others around the country. Also, the practice I see has 4 drs in it. All somewhat pioneers in different technologies related to ART. After I had been seeing them for a couple years, she started saying things like, "We talked about ___, We think ___" So she is talking with the other drs about my case. So really, its like having 4 drs, right? I like the staff well enough. I mainly see folks at the satellite office closer to my house. They are great. The big office, 2.5 hours away, where the BIG DEAL stuff happens and the dr is located, well its a big office. Although, the longer I go, the more people I become acquainted with. I don't know. Definitely going to have to think on this one. Any input?
4th- Life is just fragile. We get reminded of this when we see news headlines, or catch snippets on the TV. Also, sometimes, it hits home and someone close to us has a freak occurrence that you just wouldn't think could,would,should happen.
5th-I watched this movie with Angel the other night, "A smile like yours". Yeah, so I set myself up for that one. Dreams come true, yada yada. But what actually made Angel and I burst into laughter at the same time was the Ma..ster?bato_rium. How funny! Well we have a new name now for the "room". I think it was good for us to laugh about it, together. And, after the movie was finished, I said, I'm sorry that we have to do this for our dream of parenthood. He said, its just part of it. In Angel-ese that means, he has accepted it and thats our life. Sometimes, I think I havent fully accepted that its OUR LIFE!
This is how my mind works. Bouncing from one thing to another. Really overthinking things a lot. I say to myself, STOP OVERTHINKING IT! Yeah, not happening. Do they make a pill for that?
Monday, June 16, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
These are the days...
When I think about my younger days, I think of the 10,000 Maniacs song, "These are the days".
She talks about being "touched by something" and being "blessed and lucky". Well thats how I'm feeling these days.
I live a lot in the past. I had a really great childhood, despite a lot of issues with my mother. My father was beyond wonderful. He and I were best friends. I didn't know what it was to have a mother, but I had a Daddy x 10, which was ALL I needed. I had a great childhood,high school life, then on to college. Obviously, there was an innocence with my youth, that I will never get back. Something happened when Daddy died,I was 22. I think deep down, I thought life would never be that good again. I would never know that amount of love again. I have to admit, I was wrong. Its different, but I have that amount of love in my life, and I feel so blessed to have it. I do look back on the past now with a smile and a wink. I have day dreams and night dreams of what was. I love the past because it was happy, but better yet, I have come to know that it shaped who I am today. My aunt and I were talking the other evening, and she was asking where did I get my identity of myself. Took awhile to figure it out, but I think whole heartedly, I got it from my Daddy.
On this weekend, that commemorates the Daddy's of the world, I remember with a full heart how utterly wonderful my Daddy was, and hopefully, part of him will live on inside me. I can still hear his laughter, I wish I could still feel his hugs around me. I pray that one day, Angel will know what it is to be a Daddy, and I pray that our child cherishes that relationship as much as I did with my Daddy.
I also have to give a big shout out to the Braces Bunch that sent me the sweetest most encouraging little cards this week. YOU GIRLS ROCK AND ROLL! Thanks for lifting me up and keeping me going with this weight loss battle. I can't tell you what it means to know I've got pals out there rooting for me. I hope that I can lift you up in the same way, soon!
She talks about being "touched by something" and being "blessed and lucky". Well thats how I'm feeling these days.
I live a lot in the past. I had a really great childhood, despite a lot of issues with my mother. My father was beyond wonderful. He and I were best friends. I didn't know what it was to have a mother, but I had a Daddy x 10, which was ALL I needed. I had a great childhood,high school life, then on to college. Obviously, there was an innocence with my youth, that I will never get back. Something happened when Daddy died,I was 22. I think deep down, I thought life would never be that good again. I would never know that amount of love again. I have to admit, I was wrong. Its different, but I have that amount of love in my life, and I feel so blessed to have it. I do look back on the past now with a smile and a wink. I have day dreams and night dreams of what was. I love the past because it was happy, but better yet, I have come to know that it shaped who I am today. My aunt and I were talking the other evening, and she was asking where did I get my identity of myself. Took awhile to figure it out, but I think whole heartedly, I got it from my Daddy.
On this weekend, that commemorates the Daddy's of the world, I remember with a full heart how utterly wonderful my Daddy was, and hopefully, part of him will live on inside me. I can still hear his laughter, I wish I could still feel his hugs around me. I pray that one day, Angel will know what it is to be a Daddy, and I pray that our child cherishes that relationship as much as I did with my Daddy.
I also have to give a big shout out to the Braces Bunch that sent me the sweetest most encouraging little cards this week. YOU GIRLS ROCK AND ROLL! Thanks for lifting me up and keeping me going with this weight loss battle. I can't tell you what it means to know I've got pals out there rooting for me. I hope that I can lift you up in the same way, soon!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Funky Dream
I had the most vivid dream. I woke up and my heart was pounding. I actually even had a tear at the corner of my eye. Wanna know what it was about? 1 guess....
I first finished up my next IVF without hospitalization, major miracle. I went to the clinic, 1 hr away, for my beta. I had decided not to POAS before going. By the time I got home, having decided it best not to go to work that day, I couldn't stand it and had to POAS. I did, and for the first time in my life, I saw the second line.
I then woke up with a teddy bear being shoved in my face. It was my dog, Darla, waking me up to play. I told her to get back in her bed, so I could get back to my dream.
Fast forward to the first ultrasound. It would take place in the same room that I have had all of my umphteen violations. This time, I hopped up there with pride. Angel was right beside me, holding my hand. All our dreams came true, we saw the sac and heartbeat. The tears flowed absolutely uncontrollably.
It was so vivid. When I woke up, I was even short of breath. My heart was racing, and I felt this peace that I had never felt before. It closely resembled the peace I knew when I met Angel and just knew that it was meant to be.
This isn't the first time I've had this dream, but it has been awhile since I've had it. This time, there were subtle differences than the last. The mind is a wondrous thing. Its possible that without dreams like that, I wouldn't have the courage to go through another IVF. I wouldn't have the courage to lose the weight needed to avoid OHSS. I have never lost weight in my life, only gained. I am so happy about these 20 little itty bitty pounds, I can't see straight. Makes me want to work so much harder at eating right and exercising so that one day I can see that little bump bump on the screen, IN MY UTERUS!
I can be so cynical, down right crude at times. But a dream like this just makes me feel so blissful. I'm bordering on HOKEY. Okay, go ahead, I'm hokey! Its not just my dream, but all our dreams. I need someone that has been to the other side of the fence (suffered through IF and came out with a kiddo) to tell me that its all worth it. I know the answer, I just want to delve deeper in the actual feelings so that I can have something to look forward to.
My prayer for all of us is that we know what this dream is like in real life, and we know the peace that comes along with it.
I first finished up my next IVF without hospitalization, major miracle. I went to the clinic, 1 hr away, for my beta. I had decided not to POAS before going. By the time I got home, having decided it best not to go to work that day, I couldn't stand it and had to POAS. I did, and for the first time in my life, I saw the second line.
I then woke up with a teddy bear being shoved in my face. It was my dog, Darla, waking me up to play. I told her to get back in her bed, so I could get back to my dream.
Fast forward to the first ultrasound. It would take place in the same room that I have had all of my umphteen violations. This time, I hopped up there with pride. Angel was right beside me, holding my hand. All our dreams came true, we saw the sac and heartbeat. The tears flowed absolutely uncontrollably.
It was so vivid. When I woke up, I was even short of breath. My heart was racing, and I felt this peace that I had never felt before. It closely resembled the peace I knew when I met Angel and just knew that it was meant to be.
This isn't the first time I've had this dream, but it has been awhile since I've had it. This time, there were subtle differences than the last. The mind is a wondrous thing. Its possible that without dreams like that, I wouldn't have the courage to go through another IVF. I wouldn't have the courage to lose the weight needed to avoid OHSS. I have never lost weight in my life, only gained. I am so happy about these 20 little itty bitty pounds, I can't see straight. Makes me want to work so much harder at eating right and exercising so that one day I can see that little bump bump on the screen, IN MY UTERUS!
I can be so cynical, down right crude at times. But a dream like this just makes me feel so blissful. I'm bordering on HOKEY. Okay, go ahead, I'm hokey! Its not just my dream, but all our dreams. I need someone that has been to the other side of the fence (suffered through IF and came out with a kiddo) to tell me that its all worth it. I know the answer, I just want to delve deeper in the actual feelings so that I can have something to look forward to.
My prayer for all of us is that we know what this dream is like in real life, and we know the peace that comes along with it.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Things I think about
Alright, Girls! Its a two-fer today!
Some bloggers write "50-100 things about me." I don't know if I can think of that many, I might work on that. But, I thought it would be neat to share with you some of the crazy azz things that go through my mind. I will preface this by saying that YES, if you have these thoughts or tendencies that you too are CrAzY!
1) The simple things are the best things. No matter how much money, fame, etc, the easy, simple things are the ones that rock. (this goes for gifts or gestures or just day to day life)
2)"Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you". -Madeline Bridges
3) Why don't premium soda crackers come in that plasticky sleeve that had the red tie at the end? Instead, we have to unwrap the package, usually spilling the contents after squishing the snot out of it to get it open, THEN find our own twist tie.
4) why do people harm things that are less forceful or less assertive than they are? (ie animals, children, other people) My theory is that people want to feel accepted, needed, and respected.
The people that harm others are the ones that are the most insecure and feel that is the only way they will be respected. I respect someone that can keep his cool much more than someone that rants, raves, and puts down other people.
5) why must my dog, Daisy, eat every pair of flip flops I own?
6) why do politicians perpetuate the horrible bureaucracy that is our nation? K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Stupid)
7) We think we have evolved from medieval times when there was a "mob mentality". We are no better than that mob, centuries ago.
8) why can you buy 8 hot dogs in a package, and 12 buns? Is there someone that eats a half a hot dog cut length-wise?
9) (I think about food a lot) Why is it that you find an awesome restaurant, it has awesome food, awesome service, then you take your friend there and it sucks? Happens every time!
10) why is it that since Ive turned 30, my bones and body creaks like my mother's used to? I hate that sound. How do I prevent it? <<{{CRACK}}>>
11) quote from Readers Digest article,"Some things have changed, but the biggest difference is common to every long lasting friendship - the visceral reminder that our bodies are temporary gifts."-Sallie Tisdale
Well thats 11 things that are just kinda on my mind. I will continue to add on to this list, as the need arises. Have a good one, ya'll!
Some bloggers write "50-100 things about me." I don't know if I can think of that many, I might work on that. But, I thought it would be neat to share with you some of the crazy azz things that go through my mind. I will preface this by saying that YES, if you have these thoughts or tendencies that you too are CrAzY!
1) The simple things are the best things. No matter how much money, fame, etc, the easy, simple things are the ones that rock. (this goes for gifts or gestures or just day to day life)
2)"Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you". -Madeline Bridges
3) Why don't premium soda crackers come in that plasticky sleeve that had the red tie at the end? Instead, we have to unwrap the package, usually spilling the contents after squishing the snot out of it to get it open, THEN find our own twist tie.
4) why do people harm things that are less forceful or less assertive than they are? (ie animals, children, other people) My theory is that people want to feel accepted, needed, and respected.
The people that harm others are the ones that are the most insecure and feel that is the only way they will be respected. I respect someone that can keep his cool much more than someone that rants, raves, and puts down other people.
5) why must my dog, Daisy, eat every pair of flip flops I own?
6) why do politicians perpetuate the horrible bureaucracy that is our nation? K.I.S.S. (Keep it Simple, Stupid)
7) We think we have evolved from medieval times when there was a "mob mentality". We are no better than that mob, centuries ago.
8) why can you buy 8 hot dogs in a package, and 12 buns? Is there someone that eats a half a hot dog cut length-wise?
9) (I think about food a lot) Why is it that you find an awesome restaurant, it has awesome food, awesome service, then you take your friend there and it sucks? Happens every time!
10) why is it that since Ive turned 30, my bones and body creaks like my mother's used to? I hate that sound. How do I prevent it? <<{{CRACK}}>>
11) quote from Readers Digest article,"Some things have changed, but the biggest difference is common to every long lasting friendship - the visceral reminder that our bodies are temporary gifts."-Sallie Tisdale
Well thats 11 things that are just kinda on my mind. I will continue to add on to this list, as the need arises. Have a good one, ya'll!
AH HA Moment
I had a joyous vacation. Enjoyed piddling in my yard, some sunshine, some quality time with Angel, just wonderful. I feel renewed and refreshed. I was swimming on Sunday and said, " It doesn't get any better than this." The sun was shining, birds chirping, and the laundry was DONE! ;)
Ya'll remember, I panicked a little while back when I couldn't find my embryo picture from my transfer in January, that failed. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't find it and it sent me into orbit. I guess, figuratively, it was like losing them all over again. But anyway, I was looking in my address book for something, I have pages and stuff tucked all in there, and in the L's I found my embryo picture. I can't tell you the peace that fell over me. Instead of seeing them in my mind's eye, I could see the real deal. I vaguely do remember putting them in there. I guess I wanted to keep them close to me, and I carry my address book everywhere.
Other things are going well. I am continuing my exercise routine and the food thing, but I'm at a plateau again. Can't seem to get past the -20 pound mark. I'm just going to keep working at it. I have slacked off the last couple weeks with the food stuff. Gotta get back to eating tons of fruit and drinking all my water.
Thanks for all the well wishes, I'm on the road to emotional recovery.
Ya'll remember, I panicked a little while back when I couldn't find my embryo picture from my transfer in January, that failed. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't find it and it sent me into orbit. I guess, figuratively, it was like losing them all over again. But anyway, I was looking in my address book for something, I have pages and stuff tucked all in there, and in the L's I found my embryo picture. I can't tell you the peace that fell over me. Instead of seeing them in my mind's eye, I could see the real deal. I vaguely do remember putting them in there. I guess I wanted to keep them close to me, and I carry my address book everywhere.
Other things are going well. I am continuing my exercise routine and the food thing, but I'm at a plateau again. Can't seem to get past the -20 pound mark. I'm just going to keep working at it. I have slacked off the last couple weeks with the food stuff. Gotta get back to eating tons of fruit and drinking all my water.
Thanks for all the well wishes, I'm on the road to emotional recovery.
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