broken

I had to type into the search bar of my browser to try to figure out how to get back to my blog. That is how long its been since I've written. 
This is how my 2013 has shaped up. 

1. January: FET 3 embies
2. February: joyous news, one embie made it!
3. March: my birthday, the day we lost our precious baby (~8wks along)
4. April: the month that we received the news that our baby was a girl and she was genetically perfect in every way. 
5. August: fast forward through a few months of grief. In all of our scenarios, the one that happened was the one we didn't prepare for.

On my birthday, I was walking in the yard and felt something not right. Went to bathroom and freaked. The freaking out and contractions (and other ickyness) lasted for 3 days and nights until she arrived in the dr office. The way we know she was perfectly healthy was because they did this test on her. The reason for the miscarriage is somewhat unclear. I had a blood clot in my cervix. It wasn't a subchorionic hematoma.  Honestly, they never came out and said it, but my progesterone was always on the very low side of "ok". I think there was blood there because my endometrial lining wasn't hanging in there because my progesterone was so low. I never had the follow up appointment with the dr. I had promised Angel that we would do no more treatments after this. I also could not bring myself to go back into that office again. To smell that soap in the restroom, to hear the buzzing of that particular air conditioner that I had listened to while I was waiting to find out if our baby was alive or dead. I just couldn't do it.
Where am I now? I still ache every day. Not for another baby, but for my baby. She has a name, and at night, before I go to bed, I whisper her name to myself to acknowledge that she isn't forgotten. Angel has seemingly moved on. He says things like, "it was for the best, we are too old for a baby." Which rips me to shreds. I hug my baby boy so tight, knowing he would have been the absolute best big brother. I always said that girls "scare me". Honestly, they do because I know what it's like to be one! Of course, my fears would have subsided the moment I held my sweet angel girl.She was a human being and I saw her heartbeat on 4 separate occasions. I saw her tiny arm and leg buds. There will always be a hole that no one or thing could ever fill.

Burdens right now…

1. I have a ton of baby stuff that I now have to get out of my house some way, somehow
2. I feel like my body has been used up and won’t carry a child again.
3. I feel guilty for asking God for one more miracle, we’ve had too many already.
4. I promised Angel we wouldn’t do ART again. I have to begrudgingly keep that promise.
5. At this point, I don’t think I could even fathom seeking out an adoption. Not because I’m not genetically linked to a child, but because if some person on this planet decided to take that child from me, I would not be able to live. It would break me in ways that I do not think I could recover from. It’s unfair to put my family in that position.
6. If we were to be one of those people that became “spontaneously pregnant” as the Nurse Practitioner put it, I would be scared to death the whole time because I didn’t have all the “help” that I did before of the drugs.
7. I just want my baby back. I want that damned clot to have never formed for whatever reason. I want to go back to life as it was 5 months ago.
8. My birthday will never be a day I celebrate again.

The wonky sock

I cannot believe I'm doing this again. SERIOUSLY!?!
RE visit went well. Here's the run down...
Arrive just on time to appointment. Right before opening the door, I say to Angel, "I know they are going to make me pee in a cup." He said, "No we're just here to chat with the doctor, no need for pee." I go sign in. I sit. I then get called to the lab side. "Umm, Mrs. Baby Man's Mom... it seems as though we haven't seen you in awhile and we need a urine specimen." THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I was so right. I cannot go to the RE for ANYTHING and not have to pee in a cup. Kinda funny part, it has to be a mid stream all cleanified sample. So I get all my wipes and cup and labels set to go. But only I can't... you know... GO! I sit, I wait... nada. I turn on the water with my elbow... nothing. I ALWAYS have to go, but can't squeeze a drop. OH WAIT, yes, maybe now, okayyyyy... DROP THE CUP!  DROP THE WIPES! Complete fumble. Repeat process. More wipes, another cup, another label. FINALLY out the door I go. Bowing my head just praying that no one heard my fumbling in the bathroom with paper thin walls.
Sit down with RE and Angel. Technology has come a long way in 3 years! We have 3 totsicles. Their grades are 5bb, 4bb and 4bb. So excellent candidates! We had the exact same grades for blastocysts when we had our FET to get the Baby Man. Normally she would only transfer 2, but we got 1 baby after thawing and transferring 3. If the embies thaw and they look amazing, we can actually freeze one back. DID YOU KNOW THAT? Freeze 'em again! Crazy talk. She was not concerned with my weight and said that it will not impede GETTING pregnant, however the more weight I lose, the easier my pregnancy will be. I'm down 9 pounds in about 6 weeks. They also do this laser assisted hatching of blastocysts for FET's now. Its part of the protocol, where as before, assisted hatching was an option. Same sort of deal where they make a hole in the zona to improve implantation, but now, its with a laser and lasers are just cool! I also have to redo the SIS and HSG, no biggie other than 2 more days off of work. Insurance won't pay if they are done on the same day or at the same time. STINKERS!
Finish with RE, then she says, "OK, now you can see the nurse practitioner." Umm wha?? I didn't know I was here to do anything but talk.  I'm really starting to have a lot of anxiety at this point. I walk down the hall, step on the scale. Have my blood pressure taken, its elevated (for me).

I walk into THE room. I'm so nervous. I look over at the stirrups, ugh. They always have some sort of cover on the metal part, what is it going to be this time? Its a gym sock. And its all worn out from lots of use. Hmm, I'm seeing a correlation between myself and this wonky sock.  I don the beautiful paper attire, and am just about ready to jump out of the teenie window in the room, when I look up on the wall. Wait a minute.. what is that? Its a picture frame filled with a ton of tiny baby pictures. I usually don't even think of trying to actually look at the babies, I just know there are a lot of them. But one sweet face sticks out among the thousands. One sweet familiar face. It is the face of a dear friend's child.  I met her through this blog, and found out we don't live that far from one another. I cannot describe the peace that flooded me at that moment. Ahh, everything is ok. This is not going too fast, I can handle this. Look, see, this is why I'm here. This is where I'm supposed to be. Praise God. 

 Finished with the Nurse Practitioner, on to the regular nurse. We talk about blood work, further tests, etc. All is well, except I can see Angel squirming in his seat. Oh no. Not a good sign. We have a lot of baggage coming back to this place. Angel swears they used to get us pinned up in these tiny consultation rooms for hours going all through this and that. And he's right. I hate those little rooms. But I put my hand on his leg and said, this is not going to take long and Praise God, it didn't. Whole visit was less than 2 hours total, other than the 2.5 hour drive to get there.
Angel and I are in a good place right now. I think he now sees the reward or fruit of our labor when he looks at our son. It is not in vain, for us, this is possible. God and ART have made it possible for us to have a family. I will forever be grateful for our son, who is perfect in every way. I will forever be grateful for our journey, because without the hard times, we couldn't truly appreciate the good times. Life is meant to live, and I can honestly say, THIS is living. I actually think its sorta weird to go to bed with someone now and have a child. Ewwww... When we tell the baby man about the birds and the bees, I'm sure that conversation will be a doozy. It will be birds, bees, and laser assisted hatching!

what am i thinking?

yeah, its me. I'm actually writing this and I'm going to say it out loud. here goes...

I am going to the RE in 4 days to talk about another FET with our 3 totsicles. I am beyond apprehensive. I haven't even gotten a decent list together of what to talk about with her. This is so unlike me. I have been out of the "stirrups" so long, I don't know how to go back to doing all this over again. It feels very very strange. There will be blood work, tests, meds, etc. At least this time I know what to expect. This is our last shot at a baby, we will not do IVF again. So there are a whole host of emotions to go with that statement. Hanging in there, by a thread, trying not to get all worked up but OH MY GOSH. (there's always a BUT in there)

Face Plant

Awesome title to this post don'tcha think? Well, it describes a lot of what has been happening lately. Now, I find myself firmly planted face down and well, I'll dust myself off, but not quite yet.
First, Baby Man really did have a face plant at school. He fell off some life sized blocks and had his first real, icky-looking, on his face, injury. I freaked. He didn't though. I'm not sure if he was too tough or just didn't feel comfortable letting his feelings go in the daycare setting. But they said that he didn't cry. They still hugged on him, and fussed over him. I did not take a picture of the injury, its one of those things I find it better not to remember. But he had a nice strawberry on his forehead and scrape on his nose and scratch on his cheek. I'm sure this is the first of many, but for me, it showed me that our Baby Man is a living, breathing, fragile creature. His health and well being can change in the blink of an eye. Scary, Ummm YEAH!

Another revelation in the marriage realm. I'm glad we live out in the country, because our "discussions" have become a bit heated and LOUD lately. One such discussion a few nights ago ended up festering and I'll hand it to hubs, HE figured out what the problem truly was. Being vague? Yeah, I'm getting there. I'll boil it down for ya. I said, "when have I ever not totally, 100% supported any dream that you had?" (insert LONG pause)  He said, "I figured it out! Things for us went south because I didn't completely follow your dream." (more long pauses, some sniffling, and crying ensued on my part) So, we finally got somewhere. Yep, he didn't follow my dream. It really was both our dreams to have a child. I was just more willing to sacrifice myself, my health and our marriage to attain "our" dream. He was there, but not with his whole heart. He pretty much bailed after I was in the hospital with OHSS in year 3 of IF. I was barely breathing, gained 40 pounds in a matter of a few days, wasn't urinating, and, he was scared. I knew it, and I continued  trying to get our baby. He's bitter, I'm bitter. Now, we keep working.
I am not a goal oriented person. I thought that I wanted a career. Nope, but it took me a long time to figure that one out. I thought that I wanted scholastic achievement. No, it took a long time and a lot of money to figure that out as well. I had what I wanted when I married the man of my dreams. (insert sound of screaming car brakes)
The man of my dreams was tall and dark. The man I married is taller than I am, has reddish blonde hair. He even sports a tattoo, which is scandalous in some of the circles I used to travel. When we married he had an earring, but he's taken it out.  So, my dreams changed, and so did my idea of the IDEAL man. My ideal man turned into someone that I admired, someone that when I looked at him, I knew I was seeing the grace of G_d. Someone I knew would always love me, found me utterly attractive (I'm learning to not ask why), and had the greatest of integrity. He is the one for me, and I know it within the depths of my soul. I'm learning that going forth with IF treatments without hubs' full involvement was a huge mistake on my part.
Thanks to THIS POST, wisdom from a completely unlikely source, I have realized that dreams change, people change. I'm grateful for the change, and I'm going to be working on trying to "fix" my mistake. Even if it takes the rest of my days, it will be worth it.

Ya'll still with me?

Yeah, I'm still around. Been more of a commenter lately. But I still keep up with mah peeps in blogland. I feel like I am forever linked with the friends that I have met through IF. I just can't stay away! Which, to me, is a good thing. It doesn't particularly mean that I'm "over it". I think I'm "living with it". I am still the scared little girl that first went into the OB's office and fell for the "Oh honey, you just need a little clomid." Yep, thats still me, just... seasoned!
Our Baby Man has recently had a vocabulary explosion! It is truly amazing to watch him see things, feel emotions, and speak words for the very first time. Even when he pitches his little stomping fit because Thomas (you know, the train guy) won't continue to roll down the track and there is entirely too much dialogue in each episode. We've recently started with "What's that"? And I'll say whatever it is. He'll try to repeat what I said. Sometimes, if its not quite right, he'll continue to say it until he gets it JUST RIGHT. I can't imagine a bigger blessing than watching our Baby Man grow.
The hubs and I are doing better. Its so crazy, but there was a funk surrounding my marriage until about 2 months ago. It ALL STEMMED from this darned IF. He had hurt feelings, I had hurt feelings, we didn't deal with it, we just buried it. Well, finally it all came gurgling up until KABOOM! So, we've been working on things here lately. I've been bugging him for a chance a sib for Baby Man. We have 3 frozen tots, and Im getting OLD. He kept making excuses. First it was money. Who EVER has ENOUGH money? Then it was his age, he's nine years older. I bought into that one for awhile, then I was like, Nah... he's fibbing. Then it ENDED UP, he was scared that another baby would break up our marriage. Why you ask? Because we had all these hurt feelings inside from the first go around (5 years of IF) that were still boiling. WOW, that was like pulling teeth. WHY did it have to be so difficult? Well, you see, I'm married to a man. And well, they might as well be a different species.
Me, I'm not 100% gung ho about jumping back into the ole stirrups again. Oh no. I'm not at all ready for all the poking, prodding, legs in the air for extended periods of time. But I am ready to start conversing about it. But, seems as though I've got to work on my marriage for awhile. Which I am content in doing.
There were so many things I was going to do when I had a baby. But they pretty much went out the window when br*ast fee.ding was disastrous, I went back to work, and life happened. But, Im not sad, its just how it worked out. I've finally learned that even though things don't turn out like you plan, its OKAY. I know who's got my back.

I hope its not another 3 months before I post again. But, just checking in and letting ya'll know, I'm still kicking. I am forever grateful for the friendships and camaraderie that I have found through this blog and others. So THANK YOU, if you are still sticking with me!