Before there were more

Face Plant

2011-06-16T10:39:00.000-05:00

Awesome title to this post don'tcha think? Well, it describes a lot of what has been happening lately. Now, I find myself firmly planted face down and well, I'll dust myself off, but not quite yet.
First, Baby Man really did have a face plant at school. He fell off some life sized blocks and had his first real, icky-looking, on his face, injury. I freaked. He didn't though. I'm not sure if he was too tough or just didn't feel comfortable letting his feelings go in the daycare setting. But they said that he didn't cry. They still hugged on him, and fussed over him. I did not take a picture of the injury, its one of those things I find it better not to remember. But he had a nice strawberry on his forehead and scrape on his nose and scratch on his cheek. I'm sure this is the first of many, but for me, it showed me that our Baby Man is a living, breathing, fragile creature. His health and well being can change in the blink of an eye. Scary, Ummm YEAH!

Another revelation in the marriage realm. I'm glad we live out in the country, because our "discussions" have become a bit heated and LOUD lately. One such discussion a few nights ago ended up festering and I'll hand it to hubs, HE figured out what the problem truly was. Being vague? Yeah, I'm getting there. I'll boil it down for ya. I said, "when have I ever not totally, 100% supported any dream that you had?" (insert LONG pause) He said, "I figured it out! Things for us went south because I didn't completely follow your dream." (more long pauses, some sniffling, and crying ensued on my part) So, we finally got somewhere. Yep, he didn't follow my dream. It really was both our dreams to have a child. I was just more willing to sacrifice myself, my health and our marriage to attain "our" dream. He was there, but not with his whole heart. He pretty much bailed after I was in the hospital with OHSS in year 3 of IF. I was barely breathing, gained 40 pounds in a matter of a few days, wasn't urinating, and, he was scared. I knew it, and I continued trying to get our baby. He's bitter, I'm bitter. Now, we keep working.
I am not a goal oriented person. I thought that I wanted a career. Nope, but it took me a long time to figure that one out. I thought that I wanted scholastic achievement. No, it took a long time and a lot of money to figure that out as well. I had what I wanted when I married the man of my dreams. (insert sound of screaming car brakes)
The man of my dreams was tall and dark. The man I married is taller than I am, has reddish blonde hair. He even sports a tattoo, which is scandalous in some of the circles I used to travel. When we married he had an earring, but he's taken it out. So, my dreams changed, and so did my idea of the IDEAL man. My ideal man turned into someone that I admired, someone that when I looked at him, I knew I was seeing the grace of G_d. Someone I knew would always love me, found me utterly attractive (I'm learning to not ask why), and had the greatest of integrity. He is the one for me, and I know it within the depths of my soul. I'm learning that going forth with IF treatments without hubs' full involvement was a huge mistake on my part.
Thanks to THIS POST, wisdom from a completely unlikely source, I have realized that dreams change, people change. I'm grateful for the change, and I'm going to be working on trying to "fix" my mistake. Even if it takes the rest of my days, it will be worth it.

Ya'll still with me?

2011-06-02T14:23:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm still around. Been more of a commenter lately. But I still keep up with mah peeps in blogland. I feel like I am forever linked with the friends that I have met through IF. I just can't stay away! Which, to me, is a good thing. It doesn't particularly mean that I'm "over it". I think I'm "living with it". I am still the scared little girl that first went into the OB's office and fell for the "Oh honey, you just need a little clomid." Yep, thats still me, just... seasoned!
Our Baby Man has recently had a vocabulary explosion! It is truly amazing to watch him see things, feel emotions, and speak words for the very first time. Even when he pitches his little stomping fit because Thomas (you know, the train guy) won't continue to roll down the track and there is entirely too much dialogue in each episode. We've recently started with "What's that"? And I'll say whatever it is. He'll try to repeat what I said. Sometimes, if its not quite right, he'll continue to say it until he gets it JUST RIGHT. I can't imagine a bigger blessing than watching our Baby Man grow.
The hubs and I are doing better. Its so crazy, but there was a funk surrounding my marriage until about 2 months ago. It ALL STEMMED from this darned IF. He had hurt feelings, I had hurt feelings, we didn't deal with it, we just buried it. Well, finally it all came gurgling up until KABOOM! So, we've been working on things here lately. I've been bugging him for a chance a sib for Baby Man. We have 3 frozen tots, and Im getting OLD. He kept making excuses. First it was money. Who EVER has ENOUGH money? Then it was his age, he's nine years older. I bought into that one for awhile, then I was like, Nah... he's fibbing. Then it ENDED UP, he was scared that another baby would break up our marriage. Why you ask? Because we had all these hurt feelings inside from the first go around (5 years of IF) that were still boiling. WOW, that was like pulling teeth. WHY did it have to be so difficult? Well, you see, I'm married to a man. And well, they might as well be a different species.
Me, I'm not 100% gung ho about jumping back into the ole stirrups again. Oh no. I'm not at all ready for all the poking, prodding, legs in the air for extended periods of time. But I am ready to start conversing about it. But, seems as though I've got to work on my marriage for awhile. Which I am content in doing.
There were so many things I was going to do when I had a baby. But they pretty much went out the window when br*ast fee.ding was disastrous, I went back to work, and life happened. But, Im not sad, its just how it worked out. I've finally learned that even though things don't turn out like you plan, its OKAY. I know who's got my back.

I hope its not another 3 months before I post again. But, just checking in and letting ya'll know, I'm still kicking. I am forever grateful for the friendships and camaraderie that I have found through this blog and others. So THANK YOU, if you are still sticking with me!

Probiotics

2011-02-10T08:10:00.002-06:00

Have I told ya'll about probiotics? Oh my, what a LIFE SAVER!
We've been on oral antibiotics for over 5 weeks now because of the ear infections. I'm hoping, if all goes well, we will say goodbye to them on Sunday for a LONG LONG TIME! But in the meanwhile, we have had on and off serious tummy upsets. Enter, PROBIOTICS! There is a particular product that we have chosen, and I cannot explain my gratitude for the help it has given our child.
Tell everyone you know, when you start antibiotics with a little one, start this stuff. We put half a packet into a drink twice per day if Baby Man is at school. He weighs 22.5 pounds now. If in doubt, ask your pediatrician. At home, we usually feed him yogurt and about half a packet per day. Key is not to get it warm because it will kill all the happy bacteria in the mixture. I've tasted, or not tasted, it in beverages, and its colorless, odorless, and fully dissolves in liquid.
Had to pass on the greatest of Mommy tips I have!

There are some days...

2011-02-08T08:22:00.003-06:00

There are some days that I tend to forget exactly where we came from. But a couple nights ago, it hit me again, like a freight train. Let me back up a bit...
We have been battling ear infections. Main issue is that we can't treat Baby Man's infections like you normally would because he's had such bad reactions to antibiotics. There are only a handful you can give to an infant. So, we had tubes. 5 months later, we had the tubes replaced and adenoids removed. We are 5 days post surgery, and I believe it has helped. The jury is still out. But, and there's always a but, Angel and I have found our threshold for the amount of holding down and forcing our child to do something that he doesn't want to do. We are both extremely tired of having antibiotics spit on us. Tired of the screaming fit and hitting that ensues when we have to do the dreaded ear drops. Well, this makes tension just generally high in our household. The holding down of the Baby Man and forcing him to take meds, is just hard on the heart. Yet, we both know this, we both accept that we must do it for his own good, yet we take our frustrations out on each other. Fast forward to a couple nights ago. Im giving the Baby Man his bath. I can see into his room, where Angel is sitting waiting for the bath to be over so that he can man handle him and put the drops in his ears. We go back and forth, voices getting louder and louder, until finally Angel says, "Didn't you get tired of being poked and prodded when you were trying to have him?"
Short answer, yes. But I couldn't respond to Angel, as this flood of memories came back. So, I shut the door and took a breath. I imagined how damaged my arms looked from all of the blood letting. I remembered the rock hard sores in my backside from the PIO, some of them I still have. I remembered gaining 50 pounds, and being in the hospital barely able to breathe, by myself 150 miles from home for 5 days. I remembered being so scared most of the time that our dream would never come true. I would walk past a very dark, cold room and think there would never be life in that room. Oh, I went to a dark, dark place.
After my trip down memory lane, I composed myself. Got the Baby Man out of the tub, and hugged him ever so tightly. I said a heart felt prayer, expressing my gratitude to G.o. d for the miracle he bestowed upon us. And I realized once and for all, my husband will never truly grasp what I went through for our child. And I'll never fully realize what he went through from his side of things either. Maybe its just meant to be that way.

2011-02-07T14:42:00.000-06:00

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not.

Remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

~Epicurus, Greek Philosopher

Taking my blessings for granted

2010-10-12T08:28:00.003-05:00

I take so much for granted.

http://evilstepmonster.blogspot.com/2010/08/to-kayla-now-that-youre-one.html

Lord, help me to truly see the blessings you have for me, today and always.

Parenting Preparation

2010-10-11T11:08:00.001-05:00

Stolen from whendidibecomethegrownup.wordpress.com/ and I couldn't resist it!

Preparation for parenthood…

It’s not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a pillowcase filled with beans down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 pm to 10 pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious noise) playing loudly. At 10 pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 am. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2 am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3 am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. Put the alarm on for 5 am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton, using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child — a fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

A Retrospective

2010-09-30T08:31:00.005-05:00

Im the mother to an almost one year old son. Oh...MY.... GOSH!! People say it all the time, but where HAS the time gone? I feel like that first 6 weeks was just a blink behind me. But this time last year, I was just a week away from meeting my sweet angel baby man. Amazing!
In the last year, I have...

had a major surgery.
joined the club, finally.
Had every human emotion possible
thrown about a gabillion diapers in the landfill, something Im not proud of at all.
been comforted and soothed by so MANY friends
been stretched to the MAX!
LOVED and BEEN loved in incredible ways I didn't think were possible.
been so very blessed!

The weight loss is going. I'll put it this way. No matter what the scales say, I feel better since making the decision to put my health on the priority list. I'm purposefully exercising now, which is difficult, but afterward, I'm very proud I did it. I wish I could tell you how much I've lost. I would if my scale had a battery in it. But right now, its really kind of nice to see when I step on it, the pretty blue screen lights up and the word,"LO" appears. YEAHHHHH baby! That's what I'm talking about.

We are celebrating our Baby Man's first birthday with a bash at the house. It will be a bug theme. We will have a hayride and games, cupcakes, and a TON of folks. As long as Baby Man gets to ride around on something with wheels, he'll be FINE! I've just imagined, waited, and planned this day in my head for so long. I'm just incredibly happy to be at this place.

I know just a short time ago, I was on the other side of this odyssey. I think so often of the fellow IFers out there that have yet to be blessed. I can't tell you to keep fighting. I can't tell you, "it will happen." I think that was the hardest thing about infertility, the uncertainty. Life is such a gamble. Infertility taught me, a very conservative play-by-the-rules type person, to take a risk. My Daddy used to say, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for." He was so incredibly right. I didn't know HOW we would accomplish our goal, but with God's grace, we made it! The tears and heartache were immense. The challenges, both physical and mental, were enormous. The life lessons learned were innumerable. The sacrifices were immeasurable. But, I now see how each instance prepared me for the life I have now. I sincerely pray for each and every man and woman that desires to have a child be blessed with their heart's desire.

Here is my almost one year old, Baby Man...

I finally did it!

2010-09-02T11:03:00.003-05:00

I bit the bullet and finally took a step in the right direction yesterday. Getting my health back into order is TOP PRIORITY! I finally went to see the "Fat Dr" and am now on the road to losing the poundage that has blossomed around my mid section. This is NOT BABY weight... This is my coping weight after baby was born. So Im owning it, all myself. So its NOW TIME TO SAY GOODBYE (nah nah nah nah...) to my butt in the front!
This will take awhile, but I believe Im now motivated to do this task. Im going to tackle it much as I did the first time. I have a reason to do it, not just for myself, but for my FAMILY. Here starts the most likely year long journey to get my weight under control. I'm ready to wear some decent clothes and feel BETTER. Im hoping that my enthusiasm continues....
I have fought for 6 years for a baby, why can't I keep fighting for myself? TA DA! I have found my new mission to take the place of my IF mission. I have some fight left in me, I think ;o) This is also me getting back to my life with my new family. I've been in a fog for 11 months. The baby fog has lifted, life is to resume... NOW!

Crossroads

2010-08-02T13:29:00.004-05:00

I've come to a cross road. I've got to do SOMETHING about several situations. The deal with Angel, we are working on it. It didn't take 20 minutes to get to this point, and its going to take longer than 20 minutes to fix it. Although, a conversation over the weekend, he said, "We used to do things for each other." Thats about the only thing that stuck with me out of the whole chat. Im thinking he's feeling neglected, and doesn't really know how to tell me this. So, I'm working on it.
My weight. Its ALWAYS an issue. Its always BEEN an issue. I've figured out, Im at the point that I have to do something about it because Im either going to have to lose some weight or get a c[pap. Know what that is? its a thing you put on your face when you sleep that forces air into your lungs so you can breathe. It is for sufferers of sleep apnea. Well, Im convinced I have it. My excess weight exacerbates this problem. My child, for the most part, sleeps extremely well at night. I on the other hand, wake all the time. I know I snore because my throat is sore in the morning. I wake up and feel like I've been in a fight. I haven't slept since I was about 20 pounds lighter.
I was at my heaviest after giving birth. Then I lost lots of weight in that first month. I know I was definitely looking at some good numbers around December (HM was born in October). Well, to cope with things (Things = lack of time, sleep, motivation) I would binge eat. I ate maybe once a day for a long time. Its all caught up with me now. Im eating SOME better now, but with PCOS and IR, Im not doing what I should. I have what I need to do in my brain. Education is not the problem. I just have no time. Along with modified eating habits (to help my insulin levels), I've GOT to exercise. When do I carve out 15, 20, 30 min to exercise? I work full time. Im up at 5am and in bed hopefully by 10:30pm. I am out the door in the morning at 6:45 and home by 5:45. I take 15-20 min lunches at work so I can pick up the man early and get home to get a few extra minutes of playtime. Not to mention, its seriously 102 degrees outside right now.
I'm TRYING to get back to my habits that I had when I lost my initial weight. Before the kiddo, I lost 30 pounds. I did it in about 6 months. I've just GOT to do it again. I've got to do it so I don't have to put a machine on my face to breath, so I can be here for my son when he graduates, and so I can be the best Mom I can be. Right now, I feel like H is getting the leftovers. NOT FAIR to him at all.
Please comment. I need some extra motivation. I need to look back at these comments and say, YES!! I can DO IT! KEEP GOING.... because its going to be REALLY HARD. As always if you have any ideas how I can do this, PLEASE TELL ME! Im open for any and all suggestions. Tough love is okay too... just don't forget the LOVE part.

Losing ourselves

2010-07-06T15:54:00.004-05:00

Im dusting the cob webs away... getting back to the blog.

I've been asking myself lately, "where are we?" "WE" meaning Angel and I. Where are we in our marriage now that every moment is consumed by the baby man, work, cooking, and cleaning? The answer, I don't rightly know.
We are having a wonderful time watching our baby man grow and learn. We fall in love with him each day. But, where is our marriage supposed to be in all this? When we were dating, we dated all of 6 weeks before getting engaged, we talked about what kind of parents we would be. I was 25 and Angel 34. I think we had a fairly realistic idea of how things would go. We knew it would be difficult for us to have a child, because I knew it in my bones that I'd have issues. I prepared Angel for it before I put the engagement ring on my finger. At the time, we had no clue about Angel's issues. Our resolve then was that if we couldn't have children of our own, we would adopt. Sounds simple, right? Oh how wrong we were. I do remember a part in our ceremony, when we were standing there in front of the preacher, he said something about being blessed with children. How we'd need the guidance of the loved ones gathered to see us wed, yada yada. I have to say that every time we'd have a set back, I thought back on that moment in our ceremony. Where I knew deep down that the road to parenthood would be incredibly difficult for us. It has proven so.
So, what Im getting at is that I think this has all taken its toll on us, our marriage, our family. Our life together has been defined by several phases of survival mode. We have to learn NOW how to be a married couple again, instead of JUST being parents. We have to find our new selves now that we are parents. The love is there, the lil man is there, we just have to set ourselves as a priority.
About the baby man: He's cruising like a champ, pointing, eating all sorts of stuff, teething, and such a joy. It isn't exactly like I thought it would be, but Im glad to have every moment of this time. Its so true, when you have a child, you wear your heart on the outside.

What a Week!

2010-05-27T11:02:00.005-05:00

What a magnificent week! We have had a ton of firsts in our household. Where to begin...

Angel got a new job! This job will enable him to be home with us in the evenings, weekends, and holidays. I couldn't be more thrilled. It takes the pressure off of me somewhat AND he isn't missing his kiddo growing up. There has been a major transformation in Angel in the last few weeks. As our lil one is growing and becoming more of a kid instead of a baby, Angel has truly fallen in love. Now its not so much about feedings, changing, mundane stuff, Its more about FUN things and where can we go and what can we do. Fun to see and be a part of, for sure!

2 weeks ago, HM moved to the older infant class at school. We call daycare, "school" because its where he learns, and it makes me feel better. I was apprehensive, I didn't want to really give up the "baby" part. But HM has fit RIGHT in and has had so much fun and has learned so much. How could I have ever thought of holding him back? In this transition, he has learned to crawl. This is the kid that HATED tummy time with a passion as well as back time. Anything where he wasn't sitting or standing was just NOT okay. In a matter of hours it seems that he has moved into the mobile realm. I knew we were getting close, but it seems that seeing other kids really helped him to be motivated to move. Im so thankful we have such a great daycare for him.

Last night, HM had his first pool experience. First he sat on the steps, felt the water and kicked his feet. Then he wanted to zoom around. Then, without warning, he stuck his face down into the water. He came up, sputtered, and kept doing it! I knew this kid enjoyed a bath, but Im thinking we have an amphibian on our hands! We stayed in just a few minutes, it was almost time for supper. But Im so glad that he enjoys the water.

One huge source of anxiety for me is HM's sleeping spot. Since he was born, he has slept in his swing/cradle. It was a combination of reasons, but mainly his aversion to being on his back and his reflux. We never turned the swing on for sleeping, it was for the incline. Well, I am officially going to say this, and I couldn't be happier. After 33 weeks, he slept ALL NIGHT (7:30pm-5:45am) in his crib. He still hates being on his back, so he scooches over to his side. But we didn't hear a peep from him all night. WHAT A RELIEF!

So some major milestones at our house. I couldn't be more proud of our lil man.

Tough Love

2010-05-18T14:53:00.006-05:00

This brought me some inspiration and helped me to rationalize the possible reason for my infertility. I still don't understand WHY things worked out the way they did. Maybe I'm not ever meant to know. I hope it brings you comfort as well.

TOUGH LOVE

Also, haven't shared the Baby Man with ya'll in awhile... here ya go!

The Other Mothers

2010-05-03T11:20:00.003-05:00

The day is fast approaching, the annual event that shall remain nameless, in hopes of not hurting the infertiles out there that haven't yet been blessed with children. This will be my first nameless day. I have a feeling since my husband will be working, and I'll be taking care of our lil man and doing mundane chores that the day will pretty much come and go with no real celebration. And that is fine with me. I haven't ever celebrated this day with gusto.

My mother, lets just say, was difficult. I have since found out that she suffers from psychological problems. But a 5 year old doesn't know what that means. She has been referred to in my life as "the egg toter". She gave birth to me, but nurture me, she did not. That's where the "Other Mothers" come in.

I've had several that have stepped into the role of a mother over the years. The first I can think of is a blessed soul that I'll call, Spice. Spice is a lady that I met when I was about 4 years old. Her husband and my Dad worked together. When my dad expressed a need for someone to pick me up from school, she offered to help. This culminated into spending summers with her as well. We did everything together. We ran errands, went swimming in her neighbors pool, washed dishes, cleaned house, planted flowers, weeded the gardens. It was just perfect. Best thing was that she allowed me to do things that I'd never done before. It was always peaceful at her house. She had 2-3 cats all the time. I think I learned my love for the furry felines from her. It was a summer filled with everyday tasks, but for me, it was a window into the normal life that I didn't get at home. We cross-stitched and painted and napped when we wanted. She showed me how to do each task with the greatest of ease, and if I messed up, well that was OK. No need to worry, we'll fix it. Spice was a huge part of my childhood, and continues to be a best friend in adulthood.

I also had my Grandma, we will call her Sugar. She was a petite lady, 4 ft 9 inches, her stature said nothing for how large her heart was. She and my mother didn't get along well. But I always knew that she loved me. When it had been awhile, and she hadn't seen me, she would come over to our house, unannounced, and bring me a surprise. She drove, most of my life, a giant green 4 door sedan. Our drive way went right past a big window in the kitchen, so when she drove past, it filled the window with green. I'd see her and met her in the driveway. She would tell me that she was thinking about me and wanted to bring me something sweet. Usually, it was my favorite candy, Sk!ttles. To this day, I can see a bag and think of her. It wasn't about the candy, even when I was little. It was her way of connecting with me and letting me know that she was there for me.

When I was in my freshman year of college, I took a class (don't beat me up) called Mate Selection. Okay, I was taking a lot of science and math and I needed an easy A! So for the paper for the class, I had to interview a couple, and the couple I knew that had been together the longest was my grandparents. I learned so much in that interview. I learned that when you "find Mr Right, you just know. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise." At the time, all I wanted was a career. My grandma said,"One day, you will want a child." I said, "no I don't think so. Im not interested in being a parent." I was so wrong, and she was so right!

I also learned that a beautiful marriage was right before my eyes my entire life. The night before we buried my sweet Grandma, we were all in the visitation room. My grandfather held her hand, and we all circled around holding hands. There were some special prayers said and before we left the room, I looked back. My grandfather, being 6'7', leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. He said "Goodnight Sweetheart."

I found out after she died from a lady at church that she, and other friends, had prayed for decades for my father and I, that we would come back to God. She was a serious prayer warrior, her ministry. And although never pushy, she steadily prayed for most of my life for us to have a relationship with God. I can't explain how special that is to me. To know, someone never gave up on us. No matter how far we strayed, she never gave up on us.

My next two "other Mothers" go together. We'll say that they are "Everything Nice". I moved to a rural area, just outside my college town, when I was a sophomore. It was really so I could have room for my enormous pet collection. There I met two ladies, both near and dear to my heart. Mae was the first lady I met. She was in her seventies. She lived in a big old house close to mine. She raised goats, or they raised her. She fed, milked, vaccinated, wormed, trimmed hooves, and whatever else they needed. They kept her company and kept her busy. I met this lady and we became instant friends. I helped her with the goats, she mowed my grass. We always had this thing going that we never kept score. We were a team, a team of women that were going to get it done, just stand back and watch. She showed a city girl the country way of doing things. I am forever changed, a country girl at heart. In the spring, we planted a garden, and I promise, to this day, those were the best tomatoes I'd ever eaten. I ate tomatoes in the summer for every meal. She always had a bowl of stew or a banana bread for me. When she made one for her, she made one for me. She lost her beloved son to a virus that attacked his heart at about age 40. She also lost her husband. Now, she was doing it on her own. She was a remarkable lady, to say the least. The love we had for each other was the so genuine, like we were blood. I'd do anything for her, she'd do anything for me. It wasn't about the doing, it was about being together and enjoying life. Which we did, abundantly.

When my rent got too steep in the little house I was staying in, I met Mae's niece, Mary. And what a blessing. She had a small house on part of her property that she let me rent. We did much of the same things together as Mae and I did. Mary had a collection of random animals at her house as well. Guineas, pot bellied pig, chickens, cows. You never knew what she would come home with. Mary was always my rock. I think she was everyone's rock. She could pick me up from the darkest places. After my Dad died, there is a period of time that I simply cannot remember. I know I was at home in my little house with my animals. They were always fed, but I don' t think I ate. Finally, she broke me. She came to my door at 10:30 and said that I needed to come to her house for lunch at 11. She didn't give me a choice. I did and that started me on the road out of my cavern. She just knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I had grieved long enough, and I needed a swift kick in the pants!

One of my fondest memories is on our every day walks together, picking mulberries from the bushes and eating them right there. Our fingers and mouths were stained purple, but that fresh tasting berry was priceless. On our walks, Mary would tell me all kinds of stories and show me how to do things that I never thought I could. She gave me a place to stay and we etched a place in each others hearts.

All four women had a huge impact on my life. Interestingly enough, 2 out of the 4 didn't have children. But they were just as much a blessing in this young girl's life as anyone could be. It was the kindness and love they showed me. Not through expensive things, but through the little things. A hug or phone call, just being together doing nothing in particular. They all lifted me up, kept me feeling loved and were all true friends. All of them, "Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice", that's what this little girl is made of. A little piece of them is forever in my heart. They molded and shaped the person I am today.

Happy Other Mother's Day to all the beautiful women out there. Whether you gave birth to, fostered, adopted, snuggled, touched, loved, or adored a child, you are to be admired for your contribution to the beautification of a life.

Just dawned on me...

2010-04-14T16:01:00.003-05:00

The title of my blog is outdated. The title of my blog is also the URL. So do I keep on going with the "BEFORE there were more" thing, or now move on to something else? Its hard to say goodbye to the past.
I have 2 good friends that are going through dIUI now. They just got another negative today. It breaks my heart to think of them hurting, just as we hurt. I want to open my brain and spill out the vast amount of knowledge and azzvice about all this I can. But I think the thing thats so rough with all this is that for what I've learned about this process, you have to learn it on your own. No matter how hard I try, I can't spare them the pain that is involved in this, and it hurts. Some parts of life are just meant to be lived, whether its good or bad, you have to live through it. I think this will be true as I watch my son grow up. Im going to want to shield him from so much, but he's got to have the good with the bad experiences in life.
When I talk with my friends about their experience, I start using the jargon that IFers use and it all comes flooding back. Its not something that I can really leave behind, just something I carry with me. Im still the infertile woman that started this blog, I've just been blessed with a child.

Life and Hospitalization

2010-04-13T16:15:00.002-05:00

Hey Gang,
Quick note, I think my account was hacked. But I think its okay now... we shall see. Just getting back to my reader, getting ALL my subscriptions back in order.
HM is doing well. Since my last post, 2 months ago, we've had various colds and our first GI bug over Easter weekend. That I got and it just wasn't pretty at our household. HM ended up going to the hospital for fluids for a few days. His eating has picked back up and Im hoping to have some smooth days ahead. I keep seeing everyone's cute Easter pics, but alas, for my child's first Easter, I have none. NO pictures of the "antenna" IV line hanging out of his head, too painful to remember. Im pretty sad about it all. SO Im hoping that I can at least get some good spring type pictures in the next few gorgeous days outside in his new outfit.
HM is now 6 months old, taking over the household. He is pulling up from a sitting to standing position. He does this about 1000 times a day. He is so proud of this accomplishment. He hates being on his tummy or his back, so standing and sitting are good positions. I believe he will walk before crawling. If I put him on his tummy, he flips over every time. Just not interested.
Thats all for now. Hopefully, I'll have some good pictures to post soon.

Transition to crib

2010-02-11T16:28:00.002-06:00

We are doing better after last week's plague, thank goodness. Now on to bigger and better obstacles.
Since HM was born, he has slept in his swing. Not actually swinging, but just upright. When we put him in his bassinette in the hospital, he hated it from the get go. The nurse told us he had reflux and propped the bassinette up a bit, which helped, but he still hated it. So when we got home, we found out AH HA! The swing works great!
Now we are 4 1/2 months down the road and our lil man is growing out of the swing. We'd been noticing that he was increasingly uncomfortable in the swing, and finally got to where he'd put his feet on the bottom and push. So, listening to our child and dreading what we were going to hear, we decided to bite the bullet and transition him to the crib.
It hasn't been as bad as we thought it was going to be. HOWEVER, we are still dealing with him holding his legs up. He holds them up all crumpled close to his chest. Then when he relaxes, he wakes up. Then he starts rocking back and forth, accompanied by some agitated sputtering which escalates to screaming if you aren't fast enough. So we swaddle. He loved swaddling when he was born-2 months old. Then, I guess we didn't have the need and discontinued it. So now, we swaddle him to avoid the leg chain reaction, but it still happens. So my lil guy that was sleeping so well throughout the night for about 6 weeks is now NOT SLEEPING as soundly. I thought we were smooth sailing. I was pinching myself that we'd made it. NOT SO FAST, MOM!

So any and all advice about this issue is appreciated as we navigate this latest adventure in parenthood. Last night, his uncomfortableness was compounded by the fact that he had to have 2 shots. But my 18week old weighs in at 15 pounds and 25 inches. He is in the 50th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. My lil textbook baby! And he is eating bananas, avocados, butternut squash, and cereal now. All in all, this journey is joyous!

Times are hard

2010-02-04T13:06:00.002-06:00

I've been sick before, like in the bed sick. I've actually even been like in the hospital sick several times. THIS IS HARDER!

When people say, "how's the baby?" I say, "He's wonderful." Because, in fact, he is wonderful. He had a virus last week, that slowed his eating a lot, had a fever that went with it, and seriously scared us. But he bounced back, unlike his parents that felt like they had the plague. When HM got sick, so did we. We both ended up at the drs office begging for antibiotics. And two lively people turned into crumpled messes. All the while, our son, is bee bopping around doing his thing. So here comes the hard part. When I get sick, I shut down. When you are a Mom, there is no shutting down. Angel and I, up until this point, have shared the parenting responsibilities 50/50. Well after our plague, he got a stomach virus on top of that which REALLY put him out of commission. So, I've been the primary caregiver for 5 whole days. It has been brutal. I hate to think what would happen if I had a hard to deal with child. HM is so agreeable, goes and does with little effort. He needs a smile, a hug, and some food. And for this I am so grateful. But I am exhausted. Maybe it would have been different if I had prepared for this. But at this point, I'm nominating all single parents for sainthood. I can't keep going like this. Up at 4:30am, bed at 11pm. AND I am a girl that needs her sleep. HM sleeps from 8pm-6:30am (don't shoot me) but I have to prepare all of the things for him and keep some semblance of normalcy in the household.

So, I have to admit, in all honesty, I'm resenting Angel for getting sick. Is it his fault, no. Could it have been prevented, no. Am I still mad that I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for days, with no relief in sight? YES! Mom isn't allowed to rest. Maybe it is something that happens to you when you become a Mom, a gift that God gives you to be able to keep going when your got up and go has gotten up and left. Thank you God, but can you give me an extra shot of that stuff to keep me going?

I pray that when I enter my home tonight, that I can get some rest tonight. And I also pray that all the single parents, or parents in general, get some much needed rest themselves.

Some Pics!!

2010-01-15T09:01:00.005-06:00

Mild Panic

2010-01-13T16:10:00.003-06:00

Picture this. Last night's routine, going rather well. We played, cooed, and stared at each other. All is well in our household. It is time for a bath. We get into the bath and out of the bath without a hitch. I put him on the warm bathroom counter, on a nice fluffy towel, to get him ready for bed. Diaper goes on, no problem. Then I pick him up to lay his sleepy suit under him. All is still well. Then he coughs. Then he spews. Then, my baby stopped breathing.

I am holding him at this point, and I shook him, pretty hard. Nothing happens. He is turning very red and he is flailing his arms and legs. Then I just smacked him on the back, REALLY hard. He let out the most beautiful cry. It was the "I'm madder than heck" cry, but to a panicked Mom, it was beautiful. I fling open the door to the bathroom. YELL to the top of my lungs for Angel. He must have SPRINTED up the stairs. I handed my screaming baby to his Daddy. Then I proceeded to fall to pieces. I was shaking. I couldn't believe what had just happened to my 15 week old child!

To say the least it was a rude awakening to the fact that my life will be like this for the rest of my days. I will always worry, always obsess, always wonder if I'm doing the right thing for this child that God has given us. We have been given an awesome responsibility. Angel reminded me that this is the first of many panic moments that we will go through, and they will all turn out okay. I'm glad he was all calm, but he wasn't so calm last week when he nicked HM's thumb while trying to cut his nails. In fact, he doesn't even want you to mention cutting fingernails. But we have survived our first couple of tragedies. Maybe when HM is 20, we will look back on this and laugh.

Next week, HM starts day care half days. I have no idea how to feel about that. I have been dreading it, however, I don't know if I REALLY DREAD IT or if I dread it because people tell me I'm supposed to dread it. I know it will be for the best. He needs the interaction with kids, which he loves. He needs to be independent, and its supposedly easier to transition them now rather than later. Maybe I'm convincing my self of all of this. Still trying to figure all this out, as you can probably tell.

Things Im thinking about...

2010-01-04T14:26:00.002-06:00

Im thinking on several things. I have had no real revelations on any of them, just thought I'd throw out there what is going on in my head.

1- I have loved living my dream for the last 12 weeks and can't contain my excitement for the wonderful things to look forward to for the rest of my life.

2- I have a guilty feeling for being on this side of IF. After 5+ years, I never thought THIS would be me.

3- Thinking back on about year 3 of IF, I put so much importance on the giving birth experience. It was an experience, I'm glad to have had it. But the reason why I'm glad is that I got a baby boy out of it.

4- Im already thinking about those 3 totsicles we have in the freezer and about another go at this. Still have to lose some weight, so it will be a little while. :O) Are two miracles too much to ask for?
AND if the next FET doesn't work, will we go through all this again? If I had to answer right now, the answer would be no.

5- I have been so blissfully happy since we found out that we were preggo, and that is coming up on year ago now. WHOA time flies!

Birth Story

2009-10-30T14:54:00.003-05:00

Getting settled into our new normal life. Lets just say, the whole thing hasn't been how I expected it to be. However, in His infinite wisdom, God has provided an exciting new life for us, and for that I will forever be eternally grateful. I tried not to have too many preconcieved notions of how the birth would go, etc, so that I wouldn't be disappointed if it didn't go that way. That being said... here we go!

Oct 5, 2009 (Our 7th anniversary)- We went to the dr. She suggested that we go to the hospital for an ultrasound to check out and see how big our lil man was. Dr said that if he was over 8 pounds (estimate) that she was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to deliver him vaginally. The estimate came in at 7 pounds 12 oz. So she said we could induce on Wednesday (Oct 7) and see how it went.

Oct 7, 2009- at Hospital at 6:30am. I wasn't the least bit dialated, but lil man was head down. Started Cervadil (to try to dialate my cervix) and inserted foley catheter bulbs to speed up process. Started having contractions about 12Noon. They weren't very intense, however, they never let up! I couldn't catch a break! Every 2-4 min, SOMETHING was going on, with varying intensity as well. By 9pm, I had my epidural. They started Pitocin. I contracted all night and by 6:20am (Oct 8), I hadn't made enough progress and she didn't think he would decend. Im a big girl, but her prediction of my pelvis being small was correct. So at 7am, I was whisked to the OR for a c-section and at 7:08, we welcomed our miracle man into this world.

I didn't realize how hard the first week would be. I would just cry, for no reason. I hate that feeling, not being in control. But Angel assured me over and over again to let it go and that it would pass. I can't tell you what a blessing Angel has been in all of this. We truly have a 50/50 parenting style. He couldn't be a better father.

On a note, yeah, Im going to go there. We could have quit, we could have given up. I knew we were going to be parents, although I had no idea how. IF this hadn't worked, I would have kept on going pursuing parenthood. AND (my I told you so moment to Angel) the pride and LOVE I see when Angel holds his son, is immeasurable. It IS EVERYTHING I knew it was going to be. It is like seeing God in our midst. Im not saying that this route is the best for everyone, quite the contrary. But for us, I let go, I let God deliver this miracle to us in His own time and in His way. It has been an amazing journey, thus far and I can't wait to see what miracles unfold for us in the near future. I have forgotten much of the hard part of getting here, I guess you block that part out. But I will never forget the amazing women I've met along the way that carried me so many times through encouraging words in their own blogs or comments on mine. This isn't a goodbye, but rather a THANK YOU.

He's here!

2009-10-16T08:51:00.002-05:00

Born oCT 8, 2009 7:08AM 7 pounds 8 oz 20 in

We are all doing fine, just NOW getting to email and such. Please forgive the delay. I took the computer to the hospital, and couldnt get on to the wifi. Will post birth story when I get a chance.

Thanks to all for the support. Our lil man is just wonderful.

Should I...

2009-09-14T15:21:00.002-05:00

Should I call attention to THIS?

I totally resent her calling these ways in which people achieve their dreams of parenthood, "Weird." I pray, Miss Doree, that you never find yourself in need of medical intervention for the cure, prevention, or treatment of any ailment. I also pray that in such an instance, that you don't have people that judge the manner in which you achieve your goal.

(now I'm climbing OFF my soapbox)

Just hanging out

2009-09-11T13:14:00.003-05:00

Waiting for the next five weeks to fly by! Thats right, I am now 35 weeks and 3 days. I am in total shock and disbelief. I sometimes think I am ready, prepared even. Then someone asks, "Well what are you doing about ___?" Then I go into panic mode! No my freezer isn't filled with healthy food options. NO I have no idea whether to put the diaper pail upstairs or down stairs. Where are we going to take naps? Wherever I plunk my head and Stickie is happy! Don't get me wrong, I totally appreciate all of the helpful hints. However, it just reminds me of all the things I SHOULD get done before he arrives. I thought I'd be so much more prepared at this point in the game. TRYING NOT TO STRESS...

I've still got 50+ more thank you notes to write, Praise God, I've already written 50! We were so blessed with all our loot from friends and family that love us so and are helping us welcome this miracle into the world. My carpal tunnel is acting up, BIG TIME, and I have lots of time where I have no feeling in my finger tips except for stinging pain in my joints. I think its over working my hands. I've had CT for years, being preggo has exacerbated it. Also, my job is nothing but playing with stuff using my hands, all day very repetitive.
I'm slowing down these days. I'm just doing what I can do. I'm not getting rushed, because my preggo brain and dysfunction with my hands proves to be a volatile mix when playing in the lab!

Going to a breast feeding class tomorrow at the hospital. Hopefully, I'll get a clue as to what to expect from that. The only thing I know is that my niece sent me some goo to put on the girls, and it looks pretty funky! Lots of learning to do!

Anyone got any advice for the new Mom that knows nothing about what to expect? I promise you, this still, at times, feels like a dream.

All is well

2009-08-13T13:58:00.003-05:00

PHEW! All is well after yesterday's trek to the big city. There is no need for more followup, but I'm certainly glad we got a good opinion from a specialist on it to ease our minds.
Our Stickie is in the 41st percentile for size at this time (31 weeks). He weighs 3 pounds, 7 ounces. His renal pelvis area was still slightly enlarged (6.3cm and 6.8cm) however the Dr said that they have different criteria for "abnormal" than at our hospital. They say anything that's over 7 cm, which his was slightly above that at the last ultrasound, is abnormal. So we are right on the border. Dr said that we should tell the pediatrician when he's born and he doesn't expect that there will be any more issue with it.
He scanned the rest of our lil man and when he got to the heart, he was punching keys on the machine and he just under his breath said, "Perfect". I already knew his heart was perfect! Not in the physical sense, but I have such a feeling that this lil man is going to be a blessing to so many. I hope he has half the heart that his Granddaddy did and his Daddy does! (he will be named after the two of them) Also, he has moved from being head under my ribs to head over to my left. Basically, he's perpendicular (90degrees) to the ground, if that makes sense. I knew he'd done some shifting on Sunday. Also, I've had to go to the bathroom more frequently, I think thats because he's tap dancing on my bladder! I don't care, he can use me and abuse me. This is his home for 9 more weeks, and I'll take whatever he dishes out. I'm so in love already!

When did I get pg?

2009-08-06T14:05:00.006-05:00

Officially it was February. BUT at 30 weeks 2 days, I am now FEELING preggo. I am pretty perky when I wake up, if I've had a good night's sleep. I move at a fairly normal pace until about 1pm. Then it goes down hill. It becomes a struggle to do anything. Go down the hall to the bathroom, get in the car and drive home, walk down the drive to get the mail (pitiful isn't it). I've now gained 24 pounds thus far. I'm hoping to keep it under 35.

I haven't blogged about this, maybe I'm in denial that something could possibly be wrong with our Stickie. So a little history...

18 week anatomy scan- all well, couldn't view kidneys well because of positioning. Followup at 23 weeks- I was told all was well. 27 weeks- got a call from the ultrasound place saying I had an appointment for a follow up ultrasound of Stickie's kidneys. This prompted me to call my OB office. I got very little info. Had an appointmet at 28 weeks. Was told that he has enlarged kidneys, but no need to be alarmed. 29 weeks- had the followup ultrasound. Today- OB appointment with my favorite dr.

Long story short, I'm going to go to the big city and have a specialist perform a targeted ultrasound on Stickie's kidneys and ureters. He evidently has enlarged "renal pelvis" or area at the top of the ureter. This could mean several things. There could be an obstruction in the ureter causing a back up into the kidney, or this could just be an immaturity issue and it will resolve itself, which is the more likely of the two options. Either way, I'd like to get a specialist's opinion on the subject. If we need to be prepared, lets get prepared. If Stickie needs antibiotics or surgery after he's born, I'd rather know it now than the day he's born!

Other than his kidney issue, Stickie is growing normally and as of last week weighed 2.9 pounds! Amazing! Our lil man is growing, and all other anatomical structures look normal. So at this point, I have nothing to freak out about, so I'm not going to freak out! Just concerned, really. And want to be prepared.

Thought I'd share with ya'll what is going on. Hope all is well. I've been terrible at keeping up with all of ya'll and commenting. To say that life is going pretty fast right now is an understatement.

HOW?

2009-07-20T15:22:00.003-05:00

How am I supposed to prepare for a baby, when I do not know a thing about the lil critters?

We ventured to the big city and registered at THE baby store. It was a challenge to say the least. Who knows, except seasoned parents, what is the right gear to get. Guess I'll have to rely on the "trial and error" method. Something I don't like to rely on. I'd rather (wouldn't everyone) be prepared. But I've found out that this venture is something that I can or couldn't ever prepare for.

All my anxieties on the table, this has been amazingly uneventful. I go to the dr when I'm supposed to. I haven't been too obsessive over my internet searching and book reading. I've found great comfort and peace with the funnier types of preggo books and articles. I've learned thus far that I'm not in control of this ride, its all in God's hands. I just have to learn to hold on to Him tighter!

Its also funny that Angel is nesting and preparing more than I am. He is all about the gear, room, etc. Got to get it DONE, NOW!! I'm more like, Ummm it will happen, whenever! And if it doesn't, oh well. Maybe my instincts haven't kicked in yet?

I haven't written much, truthfully, its been really uneventful. I'm getting bigger around the waist, but as of 27 weeks and 5 days, I've gained 20 pounds. The drs seem to be pleased. Lets see if I can squeak this one out with minimal weight gain. I had some sleepless nights awhile back, I couldn't sleep past 3am. I just take every day as it comes. Thanking the Lord for our wonderful miracle. I had my 2nd 1 hr GTT last week. I go on Thursday for my appointment to see how that went and after that, I start going every 2 weeks! CRAZY! None of my symptoms have been horrible. I've got that figity leg thing, that they show all the commercials for on tv. It starts about 8pm. Mainly, I just walk or stand and it subsides when I calm down to go to sleep. I can't believe I'm on the brink of being in the third trimester. It feels like yesterday that Angel and I were wheeling into the "transfer room".

Where was I?

2009-06-23T15:31:00.003-05:00

Where has this month gone? I have been so busy, I don't know which end is up. I've been working so much at work, and this ole body just doesn't move as fast as it once did! Neither does the brain, let me tell ya! All in all, things are going really well. I feel our little Stickie moving and shaking all the time now. He likes music. I'm trying to get him into Clapton, but he prefers pop. We will have much time to shape his listening preferences in the days to come. He seems to like me dancing around too.
We had another anatomy scan at 23 weeks. The first go around at 18 weeks, they were unable to get accurate measurements of his kidneys because he was in a funky position. I love a re-do! Just means more time for me to get to see my kiddo! Angel was unable to attend, he's been burning the candle at both ends, taking advantage of some overtime at the hospital. But we got a DVD this time of his moving and shaking. I could watch that 5 minutes over and over again, and pretty much have! He is a thumb sucker, has been since we first saw him at 12 weeks for the NT scan. I'm not worried, there isn't much I can do about a thumb sucker in the womb! Maybe replace his thumb with a pacifier when he gets out. But there are certainly worse things.
I still can't really imagine that this youngin could come home with us in October. All indications are that he is doing really well. I'm still mystified. Don't get me wrong, totally grateful. SO after 5 years of infertility, this is how our journey goes. I guess I still wait for the other shoe to drop. But still very much appreciate every moment of his life inside me. It has brought me such joy to be a Mom, thus far. Its still surreal, that those little bumps are really a little man in my tummy. I'm sure it will be real when he does decide to make his appearance. Until then, I'll just daydream about my miracle. What will he be like, will he like to play in the dirt, will he like macaroni and cheese? Will he have a short temper or be mild mannered? All of these questions I find myself so excited to find out the answer to. It will not happen at birth, but I'm so excited to learn what kind of little person we are going to have here.
Please forgive my silence. I will catch up with the hundreds of posts on my reader, as soon as I can! Best wishes to all!

I find myself...

2009-06-02T08:44:00.002-05:00

getting into these horrible rages. I didn't think it was possible that my body could actually be run by hormones and I couldn't stop this train wreck from happening. Yeah, I was crazy on the shots, but it got better, and I got a better grip. But I'll tell you now, I get this rage in me at certain situations and you just better get out of my way!

On my way home the other day, I was going down my usual road. Traffic slowed, then stopped, then I heard honking horns. I looked up, and there was a golden retriever in the road. Did anyone stop and get out to save her? NO! Well here I come to save the day! So I get out, get the dog to the side of the road. She is beautiful, has the best disposition. I'm a dog person and could tell these things immediately. I open up the back of my SUV because I think that I might have a leash in there. Well, lil miss just jumps right into the back. Hmm, she's done this before. I call the rabies tag on her collar. Vet clinic, long story short, they couldn't get the owner. So I was forced to take her to the humane shelter. I knew, from what the Vet Clinic said, the owner would want her back. And the local shelter will hold them for 7 days before doing anything. It was a viable option because I knew she wouldn't stay at my house. I have an underground, can't see it, fence. Not feasable for her. I didn't want her to get hurt.

So enter the hormonal rage. BTW- this is also the day that I had to see DR Oh No and was pretty ticked at her as well. So I get to the humane shelter. They give me this form to sign. I didn't want to sign the 4 things that were listed on the form. Legally, they kept the shelter from getting into trouble. But for me, I couldn't knowingly sign these statements, because since I didn't know the dog for more than 30 minutes, I couldn't answer them honestly and in good conscience. Well, then I tell the receptionist this. Bless her heart, she is so, well, she's just SO .... that she doesn't know what to do other than to bow up at me. Well, on the outside, I can be a polished classy person. On my inside, I'm a hormonal raging redneck ready to pounce. Lets say we had a couple of exchanges, both of our faces got red, my fists balled up, and right before I almost hopped over the counter to give her a smack down, I took a deeeeep breath, let it out, and signed the document in protest and made notation at the bottom that I could not sign this in good conscience. They took the paper, took the dog, and as for my thought earlier in the year of making a substantial donation to the shelter, its in the toilet. Just for now, until I can convince my inner redneck that its not the animal's fault they have this person working at the front counter. The dog was returned to the owner safely and happily. I spoke with the owner the following day and he was very appreciative. I love happy endings! Especially when doggies are concerned.

I wish I could have had my blood pressure taken when I walked out of there. No telling WHAT it was. But, I've been noticing that I'm easier to anger these days. I find myself being VERY opinionated, and not letting the least injustice slide. Is this the Mom in me pouring out?

Oh and an amendment to yesterday's post about being called, "Momma", I don't care what I get called, as long as I get called!

One more thing...

2009-06-01T13:12:00.002-05:00

Forgot to put a sort of update with my last post. I'm 21 weeks and 1 day today. They've been moving my due date around, but we've now settled. So this is it, and will be it for the duration, Oct 15. So I tell people, its October. I'm smack dab in the middle, and it could go either way.

Last week, I had a little scare. I noticed, well, an increase in discharge. So I called the dr thinking, "is this normal?", "what could it be?" The answer to that question is UNKNOWN. I called the drs office at 8:30am Thursday (opening time) and didn't get a call back until 1:30pm. At which time, they freaked me out by saying, "You have to come in right now for an exam!" WHA' TH'? So I dropped everything at work and dashed to the dr office. Then I sat waiting for an hour. Can I tell you how happy this makes me? I saw the Good Dr (the one I like) when I went back for my weight and urine test. I breathed a sigh of relief, ahhhh, she's here today and she's going to be my dr. So I finished with weight, peeing in a cup, and blood pressure (all fine) and went back to the room. I waited some more. Then, ta da! FINALLY. But, much to my shagrin, it was Dr OH NO. DANGIT! I tried to be as cordial as possible. UNTIL she inserted the speculum, and I can't tell you the pain I felt. She said, "bare down" I was like NO I CAN"T! So then she said it again, I said, "I can't". With my experience with OB/GYN's and RE's... there are folks that can do this, and there are folks that can't. Dr OH NO goes on the list as definitely one that CANNOT do the speculum correctly. THEN to top it off, she said she would take it out "shortly". She then proceeded to rummage around in a drawer for a slide and cover slip for about 90 seconds. I am not one that handles pain well.

Needless to say, all was well. She didn't see amniotic fluid, but did see some yeast. (NO ____ SHERLOCK! I have to keep reminding her of my lovely yeastie that I've had now for 20 weeks because of the End..o mEtrin every time I see her) She gave me an Rx for the oral yeastie pill (D) and sent me on my way. Also telling me as she's going out the door that I will experience bleeding this afternoon because of the exam, she saw the blood. NICE! She didn't say anything about the cramping as well, but I had that too.

Good news out of the appointment, I can actually STOP the progesterone supplements now. PRAISE THE LORD! Thank you JESUS! And these 3 days without it, have been fabulous! I feel like a new woman. Traaalaaaalaaallaaaaah! Also, I've only gained 7 pounds so far. Since there has always been more of me to love, I'm supposed to keep it between 15-20 pounds. I laughed when I first heard that, but now, I guess it can be a possibility. But I've still got a long way to go. 20 more weeks at about a pound a week.... you do the math! Im just eating and doing my normal thing. I'm not going to stress or obsess about it. When I'm hungry I eat, when Im tired, I sleep. Thats all I can really do!

I wanna be a "Momma"

2009-06-01T12:08:00.003-05:00

I've spent an enormous amount of time dreaming what it would be like to hold our own child. Now, his birth is 5 months away, and I'm seriously questioning what in the world I've gotten myself into. I guess every parent has doubts about things. This is probably a phase that will pass. Overall, I think my excitement outweighs the freaking outtedness. But sometimes, I have to admit, I get pretty bogged down in the fear of the whole situation.

I don't know about all the gear, feeding (breast or bottle), expectations, sleeping schedule (or lack of one), labor, delivery, etc. My books don't give me ANY peace at all. I've almost given up on them. I have two of the more popular books, but they end up contradicting each other most of the time. Then I get overwhelmingly confused and upset. That is not what a book is supposed to do. So I've changed 2 diapers in my whole life, on two toddlers and thank goodness, they weren't messy. But thats it. I can coo at a kiddo, I'm fairly good at getting a smile. BUT I actually have anxiety when someone asks me to hold their child.

Some of my girlfriends have said that they were this way as well, before they had their own. Now, it looks so natural. Guess its one of those things that I cannot prepare for. I'm going to have to wing it. Maybe that is the root of the problem. I'm going to have to wing this whole thing. Labor, delivery, feeding, clothing, bathing, crying (both of us). I can't prepare for what is ahead, I'm just going to have to think on my feet. For a major preparer, ie HOLLIE, this is not a good thing. I extinguish much of my anxiety about a situation by preparing. So when the books suck, I have a 33% chance of getting Dr OH NO for delivery, and I have this rock in my stomach that says, "girl, you don't have a clue", I think there is some room for apprehension. There is such a reason why God takes 9 months to prepare a Mom. So I've got to trust that He let this lil one survive the thaw, implant in my uterus, and thrive, that He knows what He's doing making me a Mom.

I want to be a feeling of love, not a title. "Mom" or "Mother" to me means that I'm hung up on my title and not all the love I want to ooze out on this youngin'! I want to be a "Momma". I want to hear "Momma, where's my ____?" "Momma, Daddy said I could." "Momma, I love you." "Momma" says love to me.

I've never been blessed to really know what a Mother's love is. The story is too long to share. But, I think I put too much pressure on myself because I have this ideal in my head of how I should be. Of course, like all Mom's, I want to be on top of it. Will I always be "on top of it?" Nope. Am I going to beat myself up for not being on top of it? Maybe a little. But that IS something I can prepare for. Things aren't going to go smoothly. But I've just got to gear up for the challenge. So this day begins the mental preparation to become a parent. This is so surreal...

Things IF taught me

2009-05-27T15:14:00.002-05:00

This is not a reflection of how IF HAS impacted our lives, its a reflection on how IF IS IMPACTING our lives. Even though this kiddo has been brewing for 20 weeks, I will always consider myself infertile, proudly.

If I can endure an enema before ER, I can do pretty much anything gross. The enema was my mortal enemy. I dreaded it from CD1.
I have been able to share intimate parts of my anatomy with total strangers and laugh about it, no matter how many parade in front of my in the air whoo hoo.
Let the RE do the HSG and SIS, OB/Gyn's hurt! (in my experience, having had 4)
Having drawers full of leftover needles and syringes isn't a bad thing. It reminds you of how far you've come and where you are going.
I have been at the lowest point in my life in front of total strangers and I could have cared less, it wasn't important what they thought.
I have found my voice in front of drs, nurses, and other authority figures. I've learned to tell them exactly what's going on, after all, its for my benefit. No hiding anymore! Even if its gross, embarrassing, or takes too long to explain.
I have learned who I can share this IF journey with, and who I can't. Top priority is to keep OUR feelings safe.
Everybody has bad days, and it is okay to let it out. Even if its aimed toward you.
The shots aren't that bad, as long as you aren't talking about PIO.
The meds made me crazy to begin with, but the more I took them, the less crazy I was on them.
I am allergic to latex, now.
I've learned I love my Angel today more than any other day that has past in our lives together. This has made us stronger. I feel like if we can do this, we can do anything.
I'm not sure if at the beginning of this journey, if I would have wanted to know what treatment worked to help us get this far. Each step was a milestone in our lives, not meant to be skipped. Each one helped us grow and learn.
I want to tell all the beautiful women that are in the early stages of this that you will survive. And my humble prayer is that you come out the other side champions!

Nothing short of a miracle

2009-05-20T14:54:00.003-05:00

I called to get my results from my 1 hr glucose tolerance test, and I passed! This feels better than passing any test I ever took in college! My glucose was 118. I forgot to ask what the range was, but from what I've found on the internet, anything below 180 is considered okay. I'm sure I'll have to retake the test in a few weeks, but at 18 weeks, they wanted to do one early since I have insulin resistance and PCOS. Does anyone know whether I've got the right info from the net or not? What were your results?

We had an ultrasound yesterday. It was the anatomy scan. He's still a boy, and getting cuter by the second! I think my favorite part was his BELLY! I have this thing for puppy, kitty, and now, Baby BELLIES! They are so cute, and I am enamored with our son's belly! We got to see him stretch his arms above his head, then yawn at the same time. We also saw him curl up like a ball, then STRETCH out again. He rolled and waved, and the boy is going to be a thumb sucker, no doubt!

Only drawback to yesterday's ultrasound, the dvd and photo printer were down. So I got NO PICTURES or VIDEOS! But the tech said that we would probably have another one since she couldn't get all the measurements on his kidneys. He was in a weird position, evidently. I love watching him. I can't wait to see him in real life, not on a tv screen!

I love this pregnancy part, so far. Its been amazing. But with every day that passes, I get more anxious to meet our lil man. I should relish in this time, but I think back to when I got married. I got engaged in February, and married in October. All that time, we planned. It was fun, thinking about all the stuff and all the excitement. But, what I found out through the process is that what I was really excited about was starting my life with Angel. I sort of see this pregnancy as the same thing. But there is no way to push up the date, and I wouldn't want to. I want this kiddo to cook til he's baked to perfection! Also, this in no way means that I'm ready for him to be here from a "I know what I need to know and have the gear that I need to have" standpoint. In fact, I'm still fairly freaked out by changing diapers, picking out strollers, and breastfeeding.

So I've learned in this process, there is a reason why it takes what seems like so long. God is preparing us in his way, in his time, for his miracle. But I can still be impatient! ;O)

"How are you feeling"

2009-05-13T15:48:00.002-05:00

Is this THE MOST COMMON QUESTION asked of a preggo ever? I've got to find some better answers other than, "fine". "Fine" doesn't cut it. They want to know the nitty gritty. They want to know that things are horrible, so they can go, "aww, I'm so sorry. Mine was worse, let me tell you." Okay, so am I seeing that the point in asking me "how are YOU feeling" is mainly about them telling me about their experience?

I should have started with a disclaimer. This isn't EVERYONE that asks me, but a majority of the acquaintances that I come in contact with, at work or not close friends. I do have some dear, close friends that really are interested in HOW I AM. This gripe doesn't apply to them.

I actually had a woman tell me that she only got ONE ultrasound on her 13 yr old because she was afraid of the damage that it would do to her unborn child. Does anyone know of any statistical studies out there to even corroborate this insanity? I thought ultrasounds were the safest way to check out the kiddo? Then she said, well "if he turns out deaf, you'll know why!" What in the world would ever make this person say something like that to me? Even if it was true! If my child turns out to have any abnormality or handicap or whatever, he will be loved JUST THE SAME! (this is the part where I mutter under my breath, "flippin moron")

Speaking of abnormalities, I got the results from my NT/Quad screen. It says that Stickie has a very low possibility of either Trisomy 18, Down Syndrome, or spina bifida. Essentially, they told me that I was "normal negative". Hey, I'll take that! Statistics are not my strong suite.

I have tried to put behind me the issues surrounding last Friday's OH-B visit. I've decided that since there are 3 drs in the practice and I have a 33% chance of having Dr, OH NO for delivery, then I'll just opt to see the other two when I make my appointments from now on. Nothing like just avoiding the situation. Hey, what gets a girl through the day is what's important here!

I have to apologize, I've been terrible at keeping up with my reading and commenting on blogs. I'm still thinking and praying for you all. I also thank you all so much for your continued support.
Have a blessed day!

I'm whacko

2009-05-08T15:46:00.001-05:00

Yep, I've had my first real emotional outburst during pregnancy. It wasn't pretty. It was in front of my boss when she asked about my trip to the dr this morning.

Long story. I saw Dr #3 today in the practice, and lets just say, we didn't hit it off. Also, she said I'd have to continue this progesterone for another 3 weeks until my next appointment. This, I don't understand AT ALL. I'm also to do my first glucose tolerance test next week.

Only good part about today is that I started the ball rolling on the ultrasound that we were supposed to find out the gender of our child, had we not gotten an early peek. But still, at 18 weeks (next week) is supposed to be the "check it all out" ultrasound. I don't have an appointment yet, they will call me. But in 7 days I should have seen my lil kiddo, and I couldn't be more excited about that.

Angel went with me to the dr and he got to hear his heartbeat for the first time. I think he was pretty happy! I'm feeling our lil man more and more now. I'm also convinced more and more that its him. Started with some flutters. Then bumps, now WOMPS and flips. As long as that continues, it keeps me calm that nothing is wrong and that makes me very happy.

So as far as M day goes, I'm not all that excited. Angel has to work, and I never celebrated it growing up because my mother, well lets just not go there. But I do remember taking my Grandma a pretty flower on Mother's day. Makes me miss her. I'm thinking in our household, this will probably be a holiday that we don't celebrate too much.

Have a great weekend, all! Might elaborate more on the other stuff when I have more energy. Right now, I'm just drained from the emotional roller coaster that has been today.

Sigh of relief...15 weeks

2009-04-22T15:54:00.002-05:00

I imagine that when normal preggos go into the OB's office, its all fun and giggles. I go in apprehensively thinking,"when can I see the heartbeat or hear the heartbeat". "Shuttup, I need confirmation that all is okay."
Praise the Lord, today I got that confirmation. After only 2 long weeks, I don't know how the regulars do it, I heard our Stickie's heartbeat. It was wonderful! After my progesterone got reinstated, I had some apprehension that my level had dropped too low, and something might have happened. But all seems well. I finally found out after much anguish that my second level taken 2 days after going back on the endomet..rin was 40. So I went from 14 to 40 in 2 days. No wonder I was weepy! At least I'm not losing it!
So I've got a few more weeks of the endo and I'm weaning off of metformin and my antidepressant. It was funny, OB #2 (there are 3 in the practice and I saw #2 today), she asked WHY I was on it. I said, have you ever had 5 years of infertility? She said, "Enough said." I like this straight forward attitude that this group of drs seem to have. Now, their nursing staff has a lot to be desired. I think they are totally over worked. But as far as the Drs are concerned, I feel comfy with really all 3 of them. Which is great, since I don't know who I'll get for the delivery time.
So I go back to the OB in 2 weeks. I hope that Angel can come with me this next time. He hasn't ever HEARD the heartbeat. It will be special for him, I know. He is really becomming the best father. I'm in awe watching him evolve day by day. Me, I'm still stunned that this is really happening. So much so that I can't concentrate on what really needs to be done.
Oh and because of my PCOS and Insulin Resistance, she wants to do a 1 hr GTT in a couple weeks rather than waiting for the 24 week mark. I'm fine with that. I'd like to know if there is going to be a problem. Get this under control ASAP!
Amisdt all the glory of hearing Stickie's heartbeat, I heard the lady across the hall in the ultrasound room. The walls are paper thin, and I couldn't help but over hear her sobbing. I'd seen this couple in the waiting room just moments earlier. They were so full of hope and promise. But on the ultrasound, I'm assuming their first, they didn't see a heartbeat. It really made me want to run in there and hug them both. I wanted to sob right along with her. When I got in the car, I held the steering wheel real tight, and said a sincere prayer for them. It will be a long road for them. I pray for their peace. It just reminded me that at this point, I still have a long way to go, and a lot to be thankful for.
GOD BLESS!

Getting there...

2009-04-16T15:46:00.002-05:00

I think I've finally turned a corner. I'm starting to get really happy about this lil man about to come into our lives. I find myself, even though its been 7 whole days since I've seen Sticky on an ultrasound, being okay that he's okay and that its all going well.
I got kind of a blow on Tuesday. SO let me back up a bit. I was feeling kinda blah on Saturday and Sunday, but trudged through the family like activities. They were fun, but I knew something wasn't right. I stopped my progesterone, upon drs orders, on Sunday, then was to go to have blood drawn on Tuesday to check progesterone. I knew I hadn't felt exactly "right", but I figured I'd over done it this weekend. Well sure enough, my progesterone came back after 2 days of not being on it at a whopping 14. Not horrible, but not great. So I'm thinking I'll stay on this for at least another month, if not longer. Endometrin 3 times a day, accompanied by a lovely yeast infection that I try to warn off with some who who creme, and the progesterone oral pills three times a day as well. I know the progesterone oral pills don't do that much good, but hey, I'd like to give it everything I've got in this. (fyi- oral progesterone metabolizes in the liver, therefore not much of it actually gets into the blood stream)
So I can't complain that much. Other than the progesterone dilemma, things seem to be going swimmingly. The nausea is manageable, as are most of the symptoms and I'm getting some of my energy back at 14 weeks one day gestation. I'm going to see the dr every two weeks for awhile. Then go to every 3 weeks, then back down again to two. She said it would be a sort of "dance".
Angel is being so wonderful. Every once in awhile, he pats my belly and smiles or giggles. But he is in Daddy overdrive! He is all about preparing, which is something that I've had problems with. I need to EASE into this, and he is going at it like fighting fire! Lets order this, do this, do that. Call this person, etc. I really want to pull his reigns, but I've also realized that this is his way of dealing with things and being a Dad. So I've got to let him do his thing, even if he's driving me nuts sometimes! All in all, its really cute. I think he's happy that I'm beginning to do more chores these days too. 10 weeks is a long time for him to do laundry and grocery shopping!
Cute story- My 5 year old great niece was so cute on Easter. She kept patting my belly and saying, "When your son gets here..." I think she is excited to have younger folks in the family now, and I'm pretty sure she's gearing up to run the show! My poor Sticky doesn't stand a chance! ;o) I can't wait to watch them grow up!

Busy bee

2009-04-09T10:12:00.003-05:00

Hey Ya'll,
Well its been a busy few days. Going to the big city, shopping, ultrasounds, more OB's this morning. PHEW! Where am I these days?
SO the NT test went well. We got to watch Sticky for like 25 minutes. S/he was running around in there, stretching, kicking, sucking his/her thumb, etc. Too precious for words. Although we wont be able to get the actual results combined with the blood tests back for a few more days, all looks well according to the most kick butt radiologist dude I've ever met. He was awesome!
With all of Sticky's exercising in there, we got a lot of cute shots. I will have to scan some pics and show you. After all the exercises, Sticky was tired and curled up for a nap. Guess growing a gabillion cells and stuff a day is taxing for a lil wee one.
Speaking of wee one, the radiologist asked if we'd like to know the sex of the baby. I was like YEAH! I didn't even give Angel a chance to respond. He checked three different angles to be able to confirm, but its a BOY! Sticky has a GOOTER! (I have a friend of mine that calls her boy's stuff, "gooters" and I think its so funny) So now, he will definitely be named after my Daddy and his Daddy (Angel). Now we can start planning! The radiologist said that they aren't always able to see these things, but with all the acrobatics, he got good views(3) of everything and felt very confident that it was a boy.
After 3 different people have changed my due date, I'm now officially going with Oct 15. That is pretty much in the middle of all 3 days, and its not that big of a deal. I'm going to say the month of October and I think we'll be in there somewhere. But according to my OB, whom I saw today, she is officially saying that I am 13 weeks 1 day today. So instead of Sunday being my day to jump up a notch, now, its Tuesday. I can live with that. Its not an exact science anyway. I'm okay, as long as Sticky is okay.
I get to go off of my progesterone on Monday and have a blood test Wednesday to see if my placenta is making enough progesterone for me. I'll be so happy to let go of this yeast infection AND I'm really getting tired of the whoo whoo pills too. But I'll keep doing it forever if thats what it takes.
Also, OB said if we haven't had any issues with spotting or cramping in two weeks, we can revisit the idea of having relations! I'm excited about that too. So I'm crossing my fingers!

Hope everyone is well. Im horribly behind on my commenting and reading. But I'll get caught up.

Love to all!

Mild Panic

2009-04-06T11:49:00.002-05:00

Last night, when I was doing my 3rd dose of End O_metrin of the day, the applicator came out with bright red blood, a moderate amount. Needless to say, I got lots of good rest last night... NOT!

I waited until this morning and called the OB office. Today is surgery day, wouldn't you know it, so it would take a little bit before they got back to me. (enter the Jeopardy theme)

She called back and wanted me to go to the fancy place for an ultrasound. So off I went. They worked me in, which I looked like the only person under the age of 80 in there anyway.

Good news is that Sticky is okay, but they couldn't find any cause for the bleeding. Hmmm But as long as Sticky is okay, I guess I'm okay. So here's the good part...

I heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was amazing! Then I got to see Sticky and his jazzercise routine, pretty impressive. I thought the first time we saw the routine, it was because of the cup of coffee I had that morning. But I haven't had any caffeine today, so my kid is a spaz already! I saw crunches, lunges, hokey pokey, and the cutest, spreaded out hand you ever saw. I saw on his/her right hand, 5 cutesie lil fingers. And the definition on the heart is amazing! The heartbeat is 163 beats per minute, which is awesome since this is the first time anyone has ever told me that information before. They changed my gestational age/due date again too. First, if I go by my FET time, I'm due Oct 18 and I'm 12w 1 day. Then if I go by my LMP I'm due Oct 15 and 12w 3 days. But she said I'm measuring 12w 6 days and due Oct 13. WHOA! I don't care, as long as Sticky is healthy, they can tell me whatever else. I'm just happy that the bleeding wasn't any more serious. I remember pretty early on the NP at the RE telling me that I was a couple days ahead. So we shall see...
I go to the big University hospital tomorrow for my NT test. I'm excited, Angel gets to take me. We are going to stop by the maternity store and get me some FAT PANTS. I keep saying it, but today is absolutely THE LAST DAY for regular pants. We have to go to the big city for Mommy type stores. So off we shall go. Will report on the goings on when I can.

Grace

2009-04-02T16:41:00.002-05:00

Grace is something I am just starting to really understand. It is like a super blessing, thats how I explain it.
I went to the OB today. Saw Sticky again, I think s/he grew about twice as much in a week's time. S/he was so sweet and cute. Its been really rainy, so everyone has pretty much been sleepy and sluggish all week. Well Sticky has too. S/he was all curled up, face forward with his/her hands curled up under his/her chin. This is becoming so real now. For the first time, I really pictured this child in my home curled up asleep. Only a little while before this dream is a reality. OB said that I'll keep coming once a week for awhile, then we'll go to 2 week intervals, then 3, then back to 2... "like a dance" she said. I'll take it. More monitoring, the better for me. Also, I go to the super big hospital and have an NT test on Tuesday. Another glimpse at our lovie. I'm so excited.
I've also been torn about telling my mother. Without going into too much detail, my mother is a sick person. She desperately needs some psychiatric attention, and refuses to get it. She is really sad. But because of the abuse that I suffered as a child and young adult, I've had to separate my life from hers. I wish her nothing but the best, however, I can't subject myself or my family to her chaos. So here is the question, I've been asking myself since day one. WHEN and HOW do I tell her I'm having a child? Can anyone imagine being 12 weeks preggo and NOT telling your Mom? Well this is such a strained relationship, I haven't seen her in almost 7 years. Haven't spoken to her in about 5.
SO for Sticky's safety and ours, we will never allow my mother to be alone with our child, under any circumstances. She is too unpredictable. Angel was the one that first set this rule, and I agreed, whole heartedly to it. But there is some part of me that when big things come up in my life, I still feel the need to honor her by telling her these things. Like when I got married. I felt God lead me to her home and just tell her. Right now, my strongest leaning is toward a birth announcement in October. That might sound harsh to some, but if everyone knew the stories, the letter would sound justified.
So this is something I'm just on the fence about. The answer will come, by God's grace it willl come. Just something weighing on my mind.

Where am I?

2009-03-31T11:09:00.002-05:00

Im still pretty much in a state of disbelief. Im feeling better after my last post. Some things I wanted to say. I didn't figure I'd get ONE comment. Im trying desperately not to get too down on myself for the guilt that has accompanied this STICKY miracle. Im going to keep working on it, okay?!
I feel like things have been in a whirlwind. One thing that comes to mind as something I didn't anticipate is the fact that because of my subchorionic hemmorhage, it looks like we cannot have actual relations (uh huh) or anything involving ME for close to a year. Can I tell you how devestating this is? We had to abstain off and on during the cycle, then the tiredness of the first couple weeks, THEN the news from the RE that because of the s.h, we should abstain. I figured that when I went to the OB, she'd say we were all clear. NOPE. So all in all, no nookie for the WHOLE PREGNANCY and 6 weeks after. Which adds up to a year. I just realized this the other day. I shared this revelation with Angel, he said he'd already calculated. Okay, yes, its do-able. But this is a toughie, no doubt.
Another thing I didn't anticipate was how incredible Angel has been. He has been cleaning, vacuuming, laundering, dusting, mopping, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. All the while, I feel about as useless as lumps on a pickle. Im amazed at the things I just cannot do. I tried wrestling the dogs in the car to go to the vet, and hurt my back. I got severely reprimanded by many many drs, nurses, and finally Angel. I GOT IT! No more lifting of 65 pound dogs....
So a little background. I had this feeling that Angel just didn't care about my eating habits. I've been having cravings AND nausea where I only want one thing to eat. I would tell him, then get the "I'm sorry". Ummm aren't you supposed to go to the store?
Well, his answer to this madness is to stock up on the things I've been asking for. I am now the proud owner of a giant tub of ICE CREAM as well as 4 little personal frozen pizzas. Thats so that when he doesn't want to eat a pizza, I can still have one. When he took me to the freezer when I got home last night, I absolutely teared up. Over PIZZA AND ICE CREAM. My love for this man is growing every single day to levels I never thought possible. It is truly his goal in life to make me happy. I was so wrong.
Along with all of this "care" comes this obsession to make sure everything is right and done in an efficient way. WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHERE IS MY ANGEL? Okay, this is a phase. I'll take it. I don't think I go through phases. I'm pretty status quo. But Angel gets this stuff in his head and WATCH OUT! The man is a mad duster!!
So he fully cleaned the den yesterday as well as did the grocery shopping. I came home, supper was ready, the house didn't smell like food because he'd aired out the house, JUST FOR ME so I didn't get sick. PRAISE THIS WONDERFUL MAN! Well after supper, I went to my car and one of my good friends gave me some baby stuff at work. This is like $300 of freebies. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. BIG HELP! I was proud and brought the loot inside to show Angel. I said, I'll take this and put it up, I just wanted you to see it. As I was Oooing and AAaahing over the stuff, I saw him getting red faced, which isn't hard because he's so fair skinned. Finally I said, WHAT IS UP? He said "I worked all day, cooking, cleaning, etc and now you bring all this stuff in and put it on the carpet and its going to stay here forever." Okay, the man is tired, he is just delirious. He doesn't mean that. Then I pop off, "well I'll take it upstairs". He seemed to calm down but I had to think to myself, how many times have I spent the entire weekend cleaning only to have him come home, plop his hospital infected crap (he's a nurse) in my nice clean house and leave it for decades? So preggo Hollie calmly said, Does that make you feel better, in the sweetest sugary southern belle voice you ever heard. THE MAN WAS PUTTY IN MY HAND!! Yep, I got THIS! All in all, its funny. I wasn't amused last night at all, but this morning, he said before he left that we got some really great loot! That is his way of apologizing. Good enough.
So there is this huge learning curve. My approach, totally unlike my normal RESEARCH EVERYTHING mode, has been to take it as it comes, decide, and go with the flow. I have figured out that Angel is in PREPARATION mode. He has GOT to get this stuff done in order to feel like he's on top of things. So I'll help when I can, but this is truly something he's got to do. Sort of like my mad GGoo gling for the past 5 years of IF. He just has to go through it. I accept that. I've got to keep that sugary sweet southern belle thing in my hip pocket for use only when necessary.

BTW- did ya'll know I cannot find a pair of maternity pants with pockets?? What is a lab techie that totally depends on the stuff thats in her pockets ALL DAY going to do? I'm NOT seeing one of those fannie packs on my horizon, NOT AT ALL!

First OB appt, etc.

2009-03-27T09:25:00.004-05:00

I've been incredibly busy, but thats no excuse to leave my fellow bloggers out of the loop. Here's an update.

Saw the Ob for the first time Wednesday. We waited an hour and a half before we went back. When we first went in, we saw the insurance lady and it was like buying a car. She shoved papers in my face, talked real fast, then we moved on to more paperwork that we had to fill out. It is going to cost $2200 for a vaginal delivery and $2500 for a csection. So I freaked, THEN she said but your insurance covers 100% so you don't even have a copay for the doctor. AWESOME!! The only copay should be the hospital stay which is $100. What a blessing!

Next,we saw a nurse type person, another FAST TALKER, that asked how I was feeling (nausea, vomiting, constipation,etc) but didn't EVEN WAIT for a response. WHAT UP WIT DAT?! She took my blood pressure and it was 100/60. WHOA thats low. But she said not for a preggo. Okay, got to get used to that. Couple of questions then she highlighted DIABETIC on my form. I was like, NO I"M NOT DIABETIC. Then I had to, like I always do with people NOT familiar with Endocrine Disorders, fight about the difference between insulin resistance and diabetes. I think Angel was pretty impressed with my fight. Hey, I do it for a living! I got this! For a moment I remembered, this is the part I hate about going to the dr. I'm NOT A COOKIE CUTTER. I have issues, and they are NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSES!!

Then we got to see "Sticky" on the ultrasound. It was a dinosaur machine and fairly hard to make out, but the OB was thrilled to see everything progressing and said it all looked fine. One of the reasons why I went to this RE is that its a smaller office than the other outfit in town with 15 drs, this one has 3. Secondly, the OB I chose has been where I've been with IF. So she asked if I was nervous, I said UNCONTROLLABLY. She said I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I believed her. She said she wants to see me next Thursday again. So that made me think, does she want to see me because she thinks something's wrong, or does she just want to ease my mind and knows how well I've been treated at the RE seeing "Sticky" every week? I'm hoping the latter. I think I was so overwhelmed that I forgot my list of questions and was just all over the place. I'll have a chance to catch up at the next visit, I hope.

I think next week, I'll bust out with the news at work. It is a friend's birthday and the group will go to lunch to celebrate. A confidant at work, one that I've told our secret to, said it would be a perfect time and it won't diminish from the birthday celebration, something I was worried about.

Another issue been on my mind is my sorrow for fellow IF'ers out there that haven't gotten their BFP's this go around. I truly feel undeserving of this gift. It should be someone else. But then I think that I too have seen so many have kids over the years and I had my ups and downs and I kept fighting. None of us know if this will work, but we continue to gamble with our emotions, pride, and money to attain a dream. I don't know why some experience it and some don't. But in my case, I think all the disappointment, Ups and downs, crying, yelling, hugging, dispair, was all for a purpose. None of it was in vain. It prepared us for something greater down the road. I truly believe that the difference this time was because of several things, none of which involved RELAXING! 1-I started praying specifically for a child 2- I prayed "The Prayer of Jabez" 1Chronicals44:9-10. Just like I did when I decided I wanted a husband, and he appeared 3-we started seeking God's will and giving God his tithe 4-God gave me the strength to lose 30 pounds 5-God decided the time was right for us. 6-I decided this wasn't about us, but about God's grace upon us.

So, this is only my thoughts. I hope no one gets mad. I hope no one says, "well I do all that and I haven't gotten my dream". Thats not the point to this. I'm saying that this is what I think was the way for US. This is how our journey came about. Don't forget that this lasted 5 long years and $50,000+. We are hard headed and it took us a long time to get to the place we needed to be. But all of it prepared us for the place we needed to be in order for US to be parents. I prayed many times that if I wasn't going to be a parent, for God to please take the desire away. He never did. I then prayed that if I was to pursue ART, please guide us in the way we should go. When we got to the second IVF, that Angel wasn't so keen on, Angel felt a peace about it, as did I. We moved on even after the second "perfect IVF" was a failure. But wait, it wasn't a failure, because we had our embryos frozen and I didn't have really the faith that it would work. I truly didn't. But God loves to prove me wrong.

I don't write this to tell anyone what to do, I write this as a documentation of my feelings and hope in some way it can help someone. I can't tell anyone to keep going, its a long difficult journey whether it lasts 6 months or 6 years. And I am in no way in the home stretch. I've just enjoyed this time being preggo and feeling that God has blessed us. He didn't forget us. He was just preparing us. Its my perspective on things. All will not agree. And that is fine.

Another resource that helped, THIS BOOK. Showed me that FET is a real means to having a child.

I wish you all a blessed day and a renewed spirit within our Savior.

Can I have some anxiety with that fear?

2009-03-19T09:26:00.002-05:00

I seriously find myself STILL in fear about this kiddo. Every twinge, every yawn, everything makes me run to Dr Google or my 3 books. I don't feel like I've graduated from being infertile, I don't feel like I've graduated from the RE, I feel like I'm in limbo.

The RE let me go last week, however, I couldn't see the OB until next week, so I had to go in today for P4 blood work. While I was there, I was telling them about my lower back pain that I've been experiencing which prompted a urine test. It came back positive for white blood cells which could indicate an infection. Okay, so I can take that. But seriously, I've been thinking now for almost 36 hours that the lower back pain I was feeling was a miscarriage. So the true question is WHY can't I allow myself to be happy and enjoy this time?

I can go into the spiritual aspect of this, but I know what I need to do. Its just telling my hard headed self to do it. I can tell you that this is a constant struggle with me. I give it to God, I snatch it back. Do I think He isn't equipped to do it? I think its that I can't (yet) relinquish the power to Him fully. I have learned, in my age of wisdom (ha!), that things work out when I finally relinquish the power. So why don't I do it? Why do I need constant reassurance from EVERYONE that this is going to go okay?

One possible answer- Im in hormone hell! I'm all over the place. I'm crabby and bi*chy one minute and joyous smiles the next. Angel just comes in the house and puts his hands over his head and says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" like on a roller coaster. So that just makes me mad, and I want to put the smack down on him.

TWO- I'm going to really miss my girls at the RE office. What am I going to do without their smiling faces and concern, babying ME!? Knowing that these ladies truly love their jobs and want to help me. It is the longest relationship with a physician and office that I've ever had. I have spoken to them once a week forever. It is a sad apron string to break.

Three- I did find out that my first OB appointment will involve an ultrasound. I called to see if Angel might need to be there, and they said yes. So if I can hold out until next Wednesday to see my lil Sticky Bun, I'll be doing well. HOW am I going to be assured that s/he is doing well?

ANSWER- I'm going to have to shut my brain up and trust God. Trust that He is running this show, which I know He is.

I just read Chelle's post and it reminded me how many times I saw women in blog land get pg and I was so happy for them, yet sad for me. I think that is okay. I think I still feel 99% like that girl at Christmas, the one that was sad because I wasn't experiencing the joy that I thought I would at that time because there was a void. A void that was brought on by the chemical pregnancy that had taken place the previous October. But what that 1% of me figured out was that this is my life, and this is how my life is supposed to go.

I equate this experience like when I got married. I loved the whole planning process, all 8 months of it. I planned each minute of the day, and when it finally got here, I just said, if something goes wrong, I won't be able to change a thing. The important thing now is that at the end of the day, I'm going to be married to the love of my life, and that is the ultimate goal. So maybe I'm supposed to go through these fears and anxiety about this process. Maybe I'm supposed to reconcile it in my own mind to prepare me for some part of parenting? Maybe I went through 5 years of this junk, just for this moment right..... HERE! Maybe I'm not completely comfortable with the fact that my dream is possibly becoming a reality. I'm sure this will take many more hours of pondering and wondering, WHAT IF?! But right now, I'm thinking that I should just take each moment as a gift and cherish it. I'm not promised tomorrow, so I have to live for today. Hard morsel to swallow, I assure you. Do I think I'm out of the woods? No way! I'm just starting my trek INTO the woods. Do I think I'm some sort of expert on this, NO POSSIBLE WAY! There are many more veterans that have come before me and will come after me that have so much more to add.

ps- The RE office just called to say that they transferred my files to my OB office. I asked about the possible UTI and they said it was a good chance with the lower back pain that is what is going on. I said, Please assure me that nothing else is going on? She told me to relax (the first time it was okay for someone to say that to me without threat of a punch in the nose) and that everything indicated everything was fine. I got the ole "95%" thing again, that the RE told me last week about my chances being very good that we would have a take home baby. I'm breathing a little easier... now.

Wanna see Sticky Bun?

2009-03-16T15:02:00.004-05:00

I am still in awe, like I'm the first person to ever have a kid. Can you imagine if you weren't able to have ultrasound? It wasn't that long ago. I can't imagine waiting to find out the if its a Girl Sticky or a Boy Sticky. Not that I care, but I'm a serious planner.
We went to the baby super store this weekend. Ummmm, it was TOTALLY overwhelming. SO MUCH STUFF to choose from. Too much actually. Although we had fun OOOoooing and AAhhhing over the cutsie stuff. The whole stroller, crib, bedding, high chair dilemma was enough to make me not sleep last night. ALTHOUGH I don't sleep on Sunday nights anyway, guess I dread work too much. The really overly happy dude that followed us around was all, MOM this and MOM that. Yeah, I'm not really READY for all that dude. Although he was helpful with an armful of brochures that Angel really loves. I told Angel that it was his job to research the right car seat, stroller and high chair. Does Hum_Mer make all that stuff? He wants it armor plated so nothing can penetrate the atmosphere around the kiddo. I'm thinking that he will lighten up, or else we will have to invest in a 55 gallon drum of hand sanitizer.
When I had this ultrasound, Angel couldn't go with me. But this lil booger was doing the hula! It was so cute to watch. I'm thinking that when s/he gets older, it will be a dance on my bladder! I am still apprehensive about going to the OB next week. I just know they are going to treat me like any other preggo that walks through the door. Yeah, I'm not the normal preggo. I went through hell to get this far. Maybe I just have some weird preconceived notions about how it will go. Won't it be the same as the RE, 1- get blood 2- get pee 3- spread your legs. Maybe I'll make some awesome connections there, like I did at the RE. I'm going to try to look on the bright side of this.
Just wanted to share a little bit of Sticky with ya'll. Have a great week!

Dodging Bullets

2009-03-13T13:58:00.003-05:00

I've got some random thoughts I thought I'd share. Its easier than paragraphs, so here are the bullets...

The RE let me go. I can't believe it. I wasn't prepared for it. Its like leaving a safe haven. Guess thats why its taken me a couple days to write about it. They have spoiled me so much with 24 hour care and same day blood results. I know when I go to my OB in another two weeks, it won't be like that. I'll have to fight all over again for good healthcare. Makes me sad.
My last progesterone dropped from 24.1 to 14.4. I don't like that. They said it was OKAY and they were still pleased with me being on the yeastie-fied Endo MET rin and I'm still in the dilemma about switching back to Cr IN one and the whole in my blood stream thing. So both ENDO and CRIN aren't fully measurable in blood serum. But studies show, the levels are actually 6-10 times greater than in the serum where it needs to be, close to Sticky Bun. RE says she doesn't care either way. Nurse Practitioner and IVF Nurse Coordinator don't want me to switch. Lets just hope that there is only a few more weeks of this and my P4 continues to do well. Also, the subchorionic hemmorhage hasn't grown and although they will monitor it, the RE isn't "worried" about it. PHEW!
When the RE let me go, she said I had a 95% shot at a "take home baby". I am not sure how I feel about that statistic. Part of me is like 95%, WHOA thats awesome. But then the IFer in me is like 5%.... 5%..... I pray that God gives me peace about that 5% and I know who is in charge of that 95%.
Angel is being, well... an Angel. He brings me my decaff coffee in the morning while Im getting dressed. He is really taking care of me. I saw such excitement in his eyes when I showed him Sticky's pic from the last u/s that he wasn't able to attend. He wanted to know EVERYTHING about it. The joy is unimaginable for both of us.
I'm almost 9 weeks preggo, and NOW I start morning sickness. Yep, thats my whacko body for ya. I'll take it though, makes me feel like its more real. I am amazed at how I'm just not able to do the things I was doing just a few short weeks ago. I tire out SO EASILY. I guess gestating is hard work.
I'm coming to the realization that I'm not going to be one of those pretty little preggo girls with the pretty little tummys. OH NO. I'm going to look more like a beached whale. There is already more of me to love, but this is going to be OFF THE HOOK!
My father in law has a pond, he's been telling me how awesome the fishing is right now. Do you think its okay to bait my hook with worms and stuff right now? I CANT WAIT to get out there and go fishing. And you just can't fish unless you can bait your own hook! A friend of mine was telling me that I can't play in potting soil unless I wear gloves. Am I going to have to glove up to bait my hook? Do you think worm stuff is harmful?
Im so optimistic about the BFP's in blog-land. We have all prayed for good results, and its wonderful how we see this all coming to fruition. For those out there that are on their umpteenth treatment, all I can say is after 5 years and $50,000.... the answer is YES, its worth it. And even if that 5% becomes that 5%, I'm still so thankful to have this much joy. I'm finally allowing myself to be joyful, and it feels great!

Special Day

2009-03-10T08:56:00.003-05:00

Hi Ya'll, Its my 32nd birthday. Can I tell you how weird that sounds? 32?!!?!? Yep, thats me. But something is definitely different this year. I got my birthday wish way early. And it is still so surreal. Sorry that I haven't written in awhile. Seems like time is a blur.
Today I'm 8 weeks and 2 days. Last friday, we saw arm flappers, leg buds, heartbeat, spine, etc. We also saw an unwanted Subchorionic Hemmorhage. I actually know a little about this, thanks to JJ. So I wasn't a complete dummy when she pointed it out on the ultrasound. We didn't go into too much detail about it. It didn't look like JJ's though. Evidently it is right behind Sticky Bun, you need a trained eye to see it. I haven't had any bleeding from it, so far. I have an appointment for another ultrasound tomorrow and a lookie see with the RE. I've been communicating via nurses and nurse practitioners. So it will be good to see her. Although Angel cannot come, he has to work. BUMMER. So I've got to take some GOOD NOTES! I don't know if she will let me go. With my progesterone issues, I doubt it. I think she will keep me for at least another 2 weeks.
So the progesterone seems to be in a good range, last was 24.1 and they like it around 25. I'm on the Endometrin now, which continues to make this yeastie RAGE. I'm exhausted from the pain and discomfort the yeastie has caused, but I can't take the chance in changing the progesterone. So looks like I have to live with it. Maybe for ... oh gosh, who knows how long.
I got so teary this morning. I picked out my outfit, then said I know just the jewelry to wear today. I picked up my ring that my Daddy gave me when I graduated high school. Also I picked up my cross that he gave me for my 10th birthday. It has 10 tiny rubies and one diamond in the middle "to grow on". I remember and still love my Daddy so much. I know he is always with me in my heart. I hope that he is in heaven looking down on me today. If Sticky Bun is a boy, he will be named after my two favorite guys, My Daddy and My Angel. If its a girl, I have a combo name of a lot of women that I admire, all put together.
I still don't feel out of the woods on all this. We've had super news about things, blood work, estrogen, keeping the P4 in check, endometrium looking good, all the kiddo parts growing nicely... I'm guessing until I get that kid in my arms, I won't really breathe the sigh of relief. I'll keep saying this, but I know a lot about GETTING pregnant, just not really how to BE pregnant. I'll get used to it, I suppose. I'm hoping that my worry doesn't consume me so much that I cannot enjoy it.

Unbelievable!

2009-03-05T13:22:00.002-06:00

This is clearly a bill that was brought about by people that know NOTHING about IF or how ART works. Or maybe they do, to which I say that this is seriously scary... I might not have this pregnancy had this law been enacted in my state.

SEE Stirrup Queen's to know what the heck I'm talking about.

Where was I...

2009-03-02T11:33:00.003-06:00

I've had many thoughts running around in my head. Here are a few, and and update.

My p4 has risen as of last friday to 29.8. They want it to be above 25, so we are right on target. But along with this new hoo hoo pill, came a lovely yeastie infection. I cannot take the yeastie pill, I have to do the ole standby yuckie stuff. Needless to say, I'm still suffering with this. I have a call into the nurse to see if it should be persisting this long. Poor Angel asked how long I'd be "out of commission". At least he didn't say, "When can I get some action?"

Every Sunday, I'm thanking God extra for giving us another week of joy with this little one. Sunday is THE day of supposed conception, if you take out the frozen part. I do thank Him everyday, almost every MOMENT of everyday. But Sunday is a special time. I remember praying on Wednesday's for JJ's special day, every week that she has her special lil' man and now he's HERE!

I know its not original, but I have taken to calling our miracle, "Sticky Bun". I always liked the term BUN IN THE OVEN and for some odd reason, I can't say the P word. Its easier for me to say "knocked up". My friend IRL says that its probably some subconscious thing that back in the day (probably a southern thing) it wasn't really appropriate to say the P word in mixed company. I think that can be some of it. Anyway, so our bun in the oven and we want it to STICKKKKKKKKKKKK! Plus, who doesn't love the gooey goodness of a sticky bun that has been nuked for 10 seconds or so to the point where the sugar stuff and the pseudo cinnamon is melding together?? All the way around, STICKY BUN just makes me happy. So thats it!

3/21/08- that is the day I started this blog. But that in no way was the beginning of our IF journey. It has been close to 5 years for that. I made rookie mistakes, for sure. I'm not even a power blogger, what that actually is, I'm not sure. But, I can honestly say that I've never been THIS far. Today I am 7 weeks 1 day. It is still surreal. I will always count as my blessings the people that came before me and poured their hearts out onto their blogs that I read for hours on end. I saw disappointment, heartache, joy, excitement, happiness, elation, and I couldn't forget the humor. Definitely more good than bad, and honestly that's what has kept me going. I used to see this as the end of the world, but because of those pioneers that came before me, I now see this as a door to a whole new world. All of your support has been and continues to be invaluable.

So with that being said, I'm not leaving, just opening my heart and hopefully letting ya'll know how much your love, support, and prayers have meant to me. I've got a long row to hoe, I'm going to need all of you still.

Houston- We have a heartbeat!

2009-02-24T11:56:00.000-06:00

Yes, today, I saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was nothing short of a miracle. Angel was there to share in the excitement with me. Now after this rush, I need a serious nap!

Still don't know how the P4 is looking today, but will await the phone call this afternoon. If all looks well, I don't have to go back until NEXT Friday for another ultrasound and blood work.

Thanks for the prayers, keep em comin!

Beautiful Day

2009-02-22T08:36:00.002-06:00

This is shaping up to be a beautiful day. The sun is shining, break out the sunglasses! The birds are singing, well actually they are taunting me to put more food in the feeders. I'm trying to stay calm about the progesterone thing. Since I'm allergic to PIO, I just don't really see any other option. Since crinone doesn't get into the blood stream, she said that they have evidence that the levels in the area where it needs to be is 6-10 times what the serum level is. So that would mean, I'm about 60-100. I have to go back Tuesday for another ultrasound and blood work. I'll do whatever I have to, but I'm fearing that I might have to take this progesterone the whole pregnancy.
So the Baby Brunch, it was different. I definitely felt MUCH differently at this one than any other. I didn't know many people, but the ones I did know were "in the know" about our lil bubble. Its becoming more real, but even after seeing the bubble on the screen, yet it is still surreal. I've been fighting IF for so long, now I've got to apply my fight to this low progesterone.
I woke up at 3am, had to tinkle. Then I started praying. I prayed myself back to sleep around 4am. I prayed that God would make my progesterone level increase. Incredible, I woke up in a sweat at 6 am. Progesterone makes your body temperature increase! Just one more sign that God has this child in the palm of His hand. I need not worry, I need not worry. Okay, lets call it concern, is that okay? Better than "worry" if you ask me! Yep, thats me holding on and not allowing God to do his job.
So I'm humbly asking everyone for a very specific prayer of increased progesterone serum levels at the coming appointments. It means the world to me. Thank you in advance.

On my way...

2009-02-21T08:22:00.002-06:00

To the first baby shower that I can go to and not feel LEFT OUT! HA! Praise the LORD!

Thursday, we had a bit of a scare. I had some pain in my left side. So off we went to the clinic, really rushed. When we got there, we saw our little bubble. She said my endometrium looks absolutely beautiful and so does the yolk sac and fetal pole. She wasn't upset about not seeing more, because it was too early. So I had blood drawn on Thursday. They don't think its an ectopic, but won't know for awhile. They said it is possible to have ONE in the uterus and One in the tube. But the pain hasn't gotten worse. They do think that since my uterus is slightly tilted to the left, that it could be moving and stretching some old endometriosis scarring which is what is causing the pain. Okay, I can live with that. So if it gets worse, back I go again. But so far, so good.

Friday, very late in the afternoon, they called and said my beta #3 is 8192 and is looking beautiful. (Praise the LORD Halleluyah) My estrogen looks good, but my progesterone is dropping. It was 19 now its 9. I swear I'm taking my meds, they ALWAYS ask. But I'm taking C.rin one so it doesn't show up in blood serum, which is what they measure. We talked about alternatives and I told them AGAIN what happens when I take PIO. I'm highly allergic to ANY kind and have high fevers (103 degrees) and fist sized welts on my backside. Not an option. Fever could hurt the bubble too!! So I think they might try another kind of vaginal P4, endo MET_ rin. I had a discussion with them earlier in the week that (TMI) I didn't think the Cri stuff was "staying in" like it used to. They told me to walk around after application instead of laying down afterward. ?? I tried it, didn't see a difference.

Well I'm off to a Baby Brunch. Thank you all for your prayers and support, I can't tell you how much it has meant to me.

I don't know how to do this...

2009-02-16T14:59:00.002-06:00

Okay, terribly honest post here. I don't know how to be "the P word". I'm still in limbo. I'm stuck. We haven't told EVERYONE, our immediate family and a few CHOICE friends that have been praying for us, but thats it.
I was telling Angel that I know how to prepare for IVF. I know how to do all the stuff that it took for us to get this far, but as far as the other side, I'm clueless! My ole dusty book is almost useless. So I've turned to the internet for its good and bad insights. I have simply never been HERE before in my life. I'm in such a la la land that I actually DON"T KNOW where HERE is?! Just bizarre I tell you!
So is this what it feels like for my dreams to come true? If it is, its just plain weird. Other than being tired, I don't FEEL any different. Some AF type cramps every once in awhile, but thats it. I don't feel like I've graduated or have moved to where the "grass is greener". I don't know whether to allow myself to be happy, sad, negative, positive, elated, cautious... it feels weird!
I've been fighting IF so long, I don't know how to shut that off. How do I stop fighting? How do I say, "Hey, dude, STOP IT. You reached your goal, enjoy it."
Its wayyy to early for all this. But I'm wondering WHEN is it time? When is long enough to be in the "I dunno" mode?
The nurse just called and I'm 5 weeks 1 day today. Puts my due date right around my seventh anniversary. Oh and I do have to wait until Feb 23 for my ultrasound, Angel can't get off work for the 20th. Disappointing but I can wait... can't I?

CRIKEY!

2009-02-13T15:26:00.000-06:00

Hey Ya'll
Can't stay long, gotta call Angel. But Beta is 903 today!!! So thats....14 days past 6 day transfer.

Anyone got any insight on the number?

I am supposed to go Friday Feb 20 for an ultrasound, but I think Angel HAS to work that day. So I might have to postpone until Feb 23. He's at work now, I can't get him to the phone ARGHH!!

Thanks for ALL THE SUPPORT! It is unbelievable.

Love and Hugs to all!

The day before...

2009-02-12T11:21:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow I go in for my second beta. I'm amazed I've been able to hold on for this long. It is so hard to try to be level headed after so much disappointment and anguish.
I'm not sure if its the pn vitamin or what, but I've had terrible tummy upsets for days. I've tried taking my meds on a modified schedule throughout the day, and nothing has helped. Then a friend told me that she knew a lady that had "the D word" her whole pregnancy. NICE! Boy was I thrilled to hear that. But I'll take it. Its annoying, but as long as I don't get dehydrated, I think its okay, Right?
I've had this serious craving for cottage cheese. Angel was so sweet and got me 2 whole containers of the incredibly specific type that I like. I almost cried when I saw it in the fridge last night. AND he made me one of my favorite meals, one that he doesn't particularly enjoy, Swiss Steak. It was heavenly. I haven't been able to eat a lot at one time, but lets just say I made myself miserable last night. I slept so well!!
I've got mixed emotions that ebb and flow like the tide. Some times I will allow myself to get excited about things and just say, "God's got this, let him handle it". Then other times, I snatch it back and begin to worry again. I'm guessing that I won't quit worrying until ... welll... I die! I was going to say, when they turn 18. Nope. When they graduate college? Nope. When they get married? nope. So this just teaches me the HARD WAY that I've got to learn to deal with my worry. Let it go and quit snatching it back.
I will update tomorrow with beta #2 numbers. Who knows when I will hear from them. But I'll be over here, turning blue holding my breath.

Feeling BETTER!

2009-02-08T17:05:00.002-06:00

I just fininshed bathing my two mutts and the mutt next door. Something about it clears my head.
I also totally appreciate the reality check yesterday. Alyssa's comment was so helpful with the link, THANK YOU!
Three remarkable things today: One- I picked up the preggo vitamins and those things are OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE! Not to mention they are hugemongous to swallow.
Two- I've had a headache ALL DAY LONG that Ty LEN ol has not even TOUCHED. I've done deep breathing and cool rag on my head. NADA. So I'm just learning to live with it. I think its because of the unseasonable change in the barometric pressure the south is experiencing right now.
Third thing deserves its own paragraph. This go around, I have noticed that the handful of people that we have confided this in were so certain, unlike any other time, that this would work. I don't know why, its inexplicable. I know, because I felt them all, that we were heavily prayed about or shot some seriously "good vibes" throughout this cycle. I don't think I will ever be able to show my gratitude properly. So all I can say is a humble thank you and please continue all the good thoughts. I'm going to falter, but I'm going to try very hard to make the best of this situation and be happy about things. It helps my brain to be positive. Its when I give into "stinkin thinkin" that I fall to peices. This may sound silly, and may not work for everyone, but I'm going to give it a try.

Freaking OUT

2009-02-07T17:57:00.002-06:00

Okay, I can take it. Does anyone think my numbers are low? 38.5 , 7 days past a 6 day transfer? I can't find anyone on Mr Googlie that had a Beta that soon. I'm driving myself nuts! I think I'm giving in to my "stinkin thinkin" instead of staying calm and relying on God to take care of this. Angel is all like, "The nurse said it was fine. They don't even want to see you for another week". Okay. So my mind says its ONE beta! I just want to know what ya'll think? Its okay, I can take it if you think the numbers aren't good.
See what happens when you leave me alone for a day!! Its CrAzY talk!! Oh yeah, by the way, no more bleeding and cramping isn't as intense, and comes and goes.
Thanks ya'll for your input.

I'm Stunned

2009-02-06T17:56:00.002-06:00

I have been racking my brain for a cutsie post title today, it never came. So here goes!

Yesterday I cramped most of the day. Nothing too bad, just uncomfortable. Feeling JUST LIKE I was going to say hello to my little friend. BUT at about 3:30pm, I went to the bathroom. Sounds eventful huh? Got you on the edge of your seat? Well I played the TP Tango and there was some pink. OMG! Further wipage and a brown smudge. OMG!!!!!!!!!!! So then I go straight to the phone, call the nurse. Press one for the "if you are having bleeding or pelvic pain" and got the nurse. Went through all the normal, "It could be implantation bleeding", or it could be "a miscarriage and in which case there is nothing that you can do about it." I was so relieved, NOT! So I went back to the bathroom about every 20 minutes. Some realllllly light brown spots, but thats it. By 6pm, they were gone. Cramping continued.
I went in for blood work this morning. They wanted to check my progesterone, which is normal. But she said, "you are scheduled for your beta on Monday, you could actually have done it Saturday. But since we don't do them on the weekends, thats why you were scheduled for Monday." Okay yada yada. Get to the good part. "So lets just do a beta Friday". YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Lets DO!
So I went in this morning. It was quick. They were busy. I was in and out in 10 minutes plus the hour drive there and hour drive back home. I decided not to go to work, I was a basket case anyway. Waited obviously all day. 2:30pm. She called. I woke Angel up from a nap. I said, "ITS HER, GET UP!" I put the nurse on the speaker phone so we heard at the exact same time. Usually I can tell from the first word that she says whether it is positive or negative. I couldnt this time. So finally she said it. "Hollie, You are pregnant".
Long and short of it, beta 7dp6dt is 38.5 Progesterone 13.5 and Estrogen 2hundred something. They don't want to see me until next friday for another beta. She left the door open that if I "needed to come in before that" I could. So I'll wait and see. But for now, I'm going to be calm about it and enjoy this week. I'm cautiously excited. No pee sticks for me though. I've decided they aren't good for my brain.
I knew this time I felt differently than any other time. I've cramped more than any of the others. Also, I had the little bit of bleeding. PLUS I have gotten to where I can't keep my eyes open past about 2pm for the last 4 days. I'm just waking up from the most marvelous nap. But I had to let ya'll know where it stands. We are just soaking up God's glory. I feel peace and calmness, because for the first time in all this, I really do have it all in HIS hands.
So right now, I'm the proud recipient of a miracle. It feels so good.

Picked up the kids, for the FIRST TIME!

2009-01-31T08:20:00.003-06:00

I am absolutely in awe of God right now. I feel so touched and blessed. Let me try to explain some of it, although I could go on all day long.

We got up yesterday, took showers, makeup, breakfast, etc. Got in the car to start the 2. 5hour drive to the clinic. That was an extremely LONG ride. We got there. I spent about 15 minutes in an empty waiting room until they called us back. I went straight into the changing room and got my same cubby that I always get. Donned the most beautiful gown and hopped up on the same ole bed that I always get. Signed the same ole papers. Same small talk with nurse type person, and then the embryologist came in. Of course, I was holding my breath. She said well we are good for a transfer. Went into all this stuff about percentages, yada yada. Finally, I just almost screamed, "HOW MANY"? She said, "Ohhhh hee hee, guess you want to know that" (umm yeah) She said they thawed 3 and 3 are doing well, so we will transfer 3! PRAISE GOD! I wasn't listening too much to the percentage speech, but after they are frozen, they are like little smushed up balls. Well, when they thaw, they start to spread out. They like to see at least 50% spread-ation. ;) Well we had one at 50%, one at 75% and one at 90%. I'll take it!! It is just a miracle. Now those three little miracles are chillin in the uterus, hopefully finding a nice place to hang out for 9 mos! I didn't have cramping until about 8pm last night, and had some off and on today. But other than that, smooth as PIE!

I cannot thank everyone enough for all the prayers and special thoughts. THEY WORK! God is working this miracle and I am totally in awe. Although its not enough, I will just have to say, THANK YOU in a big way to all my cheer leaders out there. You folks are the BOMB!

Now we wait until Feb 9 for the BIG CALL. Ya'll all know what that's like. I'm going to take it easy for this weekend. I was disappointed to find out that I can't do any of my exercises, but it is a small price to pay. After this weekend, I can do my walking routine though. I'm going to take every precaution I can, this time. And I'm taking my 3 progesterone pills and cr**inone on the DOT!! Just not taking any chances.

When we left the "sterile type room" the embryologist said, "Good luck, we'll be thinking about you." I said, "Thanks for taking care of the kids".

Dream a little dream...

2009-01-29T08:50:00.002-06:00

I wasn't going to post until after the transfer. But the most amazing thing happened. I have struggled to remember every little detail and image since it happened. So here goes...

Last night, Angel and I had a discussion. These discussions are few and far between. They are usually serious in nature, and we avoid them so we don't anger or upset the other spouse. Understandable, but sometimes, you just have to say what needs to be said.

In this discussion, we talked about our upcoming transfer, our potential parenthood, and my need for things to be as stress free as possible for at least the next 2 weeks. This is where my selfishness comes out. I have learned that I HAVE TO put myself first around the time of these things. I have to push all extraneous stresses away. If that means people, so be it. We agreed, he understood. Then we talked, and this conversation has been 5 years in the making sort of like a chess game that never ends, about if we were meant to be parents. I told him that I waiver in this thought a lot. He said he did to. I said where do you land? He said always land back at parenthood. Yep, me too. If I can shuttup my internal negative dialogue, I end up with us being parents. I guess this is where IF can really screw with your head. So then I said, well I don't know the WAY we will become parents. He said he didn't know either, but we both agreed that this is where we need to be at THIS time doing THIS thing. I felt comforted. I slept so well.

UNTIL 4am! I woke up and my heart was pounding, my arms felt heavy and I was crying. Crying IN MY SLEEP!?! When I wake up in the middle of the night, I always look for the red dot on the fire alarm to make sure I'm actually awake. I was. I started thinking about what had just happened in my dream. My arms are still feeling very heavy and the tears are still coming.

I began to recall the dream that I had. It was so vivid. It was like a movie of myself playing in my head. For the first time in a long time, I saw my Daddy's face. I hear him in my dreams and sort of feel his presence, but rarely do I see him. I've always thought that my Dad is sitting in heaven, bouncing our children on his knee, waiting for them to be called down to be with us. May sound silly, but thats how I feel. Well last night, I saw myself struggling with a little boy. Maybe about 2. I was trying to get his clothes on and he was running around. He had dark brown hair and I could actually see his face, something I rarely see in my dreams. Then I saw my dad, holding a blanket with something in it. I looked in and didn't see anything. Then he handed me the blanket. There was nothing in it and I sort of threw it back to him. Then he handed it back to me and it was heavy, I could feel what was in there. I felt it MOVE! I pulled back the blanket to reveal what was in there. It was a little girl. She had sandy brown hair and she was very wiggly. Neither the boy or the girl made any noise.

I can't really put an age on these two. And I'm not going to say that these children were from my womb. But what I will say is that my thoughts that we aren't supposed to be parents has faded. This dream was so real, it was as real as anything I've ever known. I saw a boy and a girl. I saw my Daddy try to give me something, and there wasn't anything there. Then he tried again, maybe because I am so hard headed, and it was there. Maybe the timing was right. Maybe I had been prepared for what was to be given to us. I don't know. I can read a lot into the significance of a lot of this dream.

One thing we discussed last night is that Angel thinks that I never really believed that God could and would give us a child. He said unless I believe, it won't happen. He is so right. (don't tell him I said that;) It was hard to hear, but I had to come to the realization that I haven't allowed God to perform his miracle in me. Do I think I'm not worthy? Somewhat. Do I think its too large a task for God? Somewhat. Have I let my faith falter? Yes. Did I need this confirmation last night right before my transfer? Absolutely. Finally the comfort I feel is not just from me, but from the Precioius Peace Giver. The one that CAN give me a peace that passes all understanding. It is just validation that all of this has not been in vain. Each step in this process, this almost 5 year process, has taught us so much. Will this be the end? I don't know. But I can only go on what I do know. And I know that if I believe and trust in God, He knows the desires of my heart, and He will bless us. I don't know how, but I trust He knows the best way for us.

I can't tell you how therapeutic this has been for me to actually document. I have been scared to talk about my walk with God. I hint at it here and there, but here it is! No holds barred! Its all hanging out! And it feels fantastic. If you think I'm a Bible beater... okay. But I am just a regular girl, trying to make sense of this, trying to do the best I can, trying to work towards our dreams coming true. Leaning on God to show us the way. Disclaimer- I in know way think that if you "relax, it will happen". That statement makes me MAD! But I'm telling you how I feel at each step in this process. The future is so uncertain, but I know with Angel and God, I can make it!

Please leave a comment. Even if its blank. You don't have to agree with me. I just want to see you were here and shared in this moment of realization with me.

Blessed dreams, my friends.

One Giant ZIT!

2009-01-27T10:42:00.002-06:00

okay, maybe NOT the best title to an entry, but I just feel like one giant zit, so there ya go.

To tell you how totally ON this I am, I forgot to take my first dose of progesterone Sunday. It was one Crinone and 1 pill. Then I forgot to take my lunch time pill. At 4pm, I had this sneaky suspicion that I had forgotten something I had to do Sunday. YEAH, YA THINK!!?!? So I took a pill and did a crinone before bed. All I could really do. I can feel the side effects of progesterone already, so I'm not worried. How could I have forgotten to START MY PROGESTERONE?!

So I guess it goes back to my mood for this cycle. We did our last IVF in October. We planned that we would do the FET in January (NOW). Well to tell you the truth, January just crept up on me. I haven't had to do much, one trip to the dr and a couple phone calls. Nothing like what I'm used to with full monitoring. So I can honestly say that it hasn't been first and foremost on my plate these days. I'm busy with work, exercising, life in general. Which I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad, but it just is what it is. I had a good friend call me last night and ask how I was feeling since Friday was "the big day". It took me forever to find some words to say how I thought I felt, but in reality, I'm not sure I really feel anything. I think the word that best describes my mood is NUMB.

I'm numb from the poking and prodding, doesn't phase me anymore. I'm numb from needle sticks, the newbie nurse was very apologetic that she didn't get my good vein on the first shot and I didn't care one iota. I also didn't care when it was like a three ring circus when my nether regions were up in the air at my last appointment. The nurses were afraid that I would miss the lab cutoff time, so they came and got the cultures and samples as soon as they could. Pretty much parading past my who who to get them. Eh, who cares. Maybe I'm just worn down. Maybe this whole process has worn me out. Next word is COMPLAISANCY.

Its a good place to be, for me. I remember when the best things in my life happened to me when I was finally just complaisant about my dreams. I wanted desperately to be married. I was tired of being the odd ball at parties. It wasn't until I got comfortable being the odd ball that God sent me Angel. I never thought the love of my life would arrive as he did, and we would have a whirlwind 2 week courtship before we decided to get married. Actually, we just got along so well that we didn't ever DECIDE to get married, we just gravitated that way. Then he proposed 6 weeks after we met. I didn't feel rushed at all. It felt right, it felt good, I wasn't worried, God lead me down this path and I trusted that He would continue to carry me. Maybe thats where I am with this IF stuff. Next word is ZIT.

So now, I'm ready to talk about my ZITS! They are everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE! My face looks like a giant bumpy pizza! I don't know exactly when they started coming, but they are here. I know my progesterone is climbing because I was in the middle of watching my FAVORITE SHOW and dozed off. P4 always makes me sleepy. And for the icing on the cake, I woke up at 3am with the worst headache I've ever experienced. I was dreaming that someone was pounding on my head. Little did I know that my head was being pounded on from the inside out!! This headache was/is behind my eyes. It makes it difficult to see or focus on things. I'm not a headache expert, but this one is a doozy. I finally got up and took some tylenol at 4am, and did some deep breathing exercises until it subsided. I fell asleep moments before my alarm was to go off. NICE!! So I don't know if this headache is from the progesterone or estrogen. I dont recall having this problem before, but I don't have the best memory when it comes to all this.

To wrap this up, and I want to end on a good note. I have been going to these exercise classes at work 4 days a week. I went yesterday to Cardio Blast and had a BLAST even though I was jogging, etc. I am so allergic to exercise its not funny. But this is good for me and I can feel it. Our instructor isn't one of those cheery, bimbo types so thats good, for me at least. But I hopped up on the scale today and was down 3 pounds. WOO WOOOOOO!! Even with Estrace and Progesterone on board. Not looking for any kudos, I'm actually very pleased with MYSELF and proud that I can keep a handle on this better than I ever expected to.

So, toodelooo for now. Hope to write more after the transfer. Beta is Feb 9, so I'm going to try to stay away from pee sticks and tell myself that I don't need them. I've stayed away from them this long, and I think that it brought me some peace. So I'm going to try it. If I fail, you will see me on Feb 7 at the $ store raiding the hpt section!

Love and Blessings to all!

Gyn Extravaganza!

2009-01-22T12:28:00.003-06:00

Whoa, what a day.

To begin this saga, I didn't sleep last night. I got enthralled in a new book , couldn't put it down. Finally did, but it had my mind GOING AND GOING! I couldn't shake it. I watched the clock. I tossed I turned. Then I heard the dreaded alarm. SMACK! 5 more minutes SMACK! Then the lovely Da_rth VAD*ER sounds of Angel's CPAP machine clicking off. Ahhh, the start of another day.

I got up, got dressed, all spiffied up. Fed the dogs, got all my junk in the frosty car, and zoomed down the road a little over an hour for fasting blood work. After they drew it, I went and got some breakfast. Came back to the clinic in time for my appointment. Put on the most lovely paper gown that was OH SO FLATTERING and hopped up in my usual spot, in my usual exam room, with my usual ultrasound wand staring at me.

I was prodded and poked and thoroughly mushed and squished. I had 5 cultures and a pap smear. Don't ask me what all the cultures were for, but I had them nevertheless. Got to see my girlie parts. They are still there, hanging out, waiting to be somewhat useful. The Nurse Practitioner said I had a "beautiful 3 level endometrium at 0.9cm" and "didn't see how I could be held back at this point".

So we are all a "go" on Friday Jan 30 for our FET. We have a 6 pack in the freezer, so I'm hoping at least one makes it. We had 2 out of 4 that made it last time. I feel pretty good. I feel blessed no matter how this turns out. Each time I do some of this stuff, it gets easier and I'm more calm. I was a little surprised that this go around, I only have to go 1 time for an endometrium check, 1 time for the transfer, and 1 time for the beta hcg. I do miss my girls at the small clinic. They always ask about Angel and I, and they tend to remember my history better than the big clinic that only has written records to go by. They remember seeing me when I was so sick before I went into the hospital with OHSS. They've laughed and cried and hugged when I needed it. They are some caring women, and it makes a dull task more fun to see people that you enjoy being around.

I should get the phone call this afternoon about the blood work. I'm not too anxious because I've never had a problem with it before. Hopefully, this will all go very smoothly. My peace about this is helping immensely. We will see how it goes as we get closer to time. Also, I'm still thinking that Feb 9 is a LONG TIME to wait after the transfer of 6 day old blasts for a beta. I haven't done any pee sticks in a LONG TIME, but I don't know how I can hold out that long. I'm thinking for sure something should show up by Feb 7, which is a Saturday. I'm back and forth about this. But I have some time to ponder.

Love and Prayers to all!

FET #2

2009-01-15T11:49:00.002-06:00

Its shaping up. Here's how it should go...

Jan 22- Bloodwork, Ultrasound, and yearly exam Extravaganza!

If all looks good, begin Progesterone (Crinone twice daily and capsules 3 times daily) on Feb 24 or 25.

If I have 2 embryos that thaw out and do well, We expect to have our transfer of 6 day old blastocysts on Jan 29 or 30.

Have to wait until Feb 9 for the beta. Hmmmm, I've tried to stay away from pee sticks... can she do it this time folks?!

I'm just really calm about all this. I don't know why. Maybe I haven't gotten close enough to actually DOING something. I'm taking estrace twice a day now, but thats no big deal. It will probably sink in when I get back in those stirrups and see that lovely ultrasound screen again. I missed my girlie parts. So nice to see them on a screen. HELLOOOoooo in there, its PICTURE TIME!!

So happy!

2009-01-13T11:05:00.002-06:00

Go here and CELEBRATE!!

Happy Happy Joy JOY! YOU GO GIRL!

Dude, where's MY word?

2009-01-09T08:34:00.003-06:00

I found THIS and thought, what the hell! So here is MY word.....

Your Word is "Peace"

You see life as precious, and you wish everyone was safe, happy, and taken care of.
Social justice, human rights, and peace for all nations are all important to you.

While you can't stop war, you try to be as calm and compassionate as possible in your everyday life.
You promote harmony and cooperation. You're always willing to meet someone a little more than halfway.

Hmmmm, now, talk amongst yaselves! AND go try it!

It is CD2, Again.

2009-01-08T08:38:00.002-06:00

CD1 was too hectic to write about, so I'm attempting on cd2.

I can't believe I'm back in the mode of referring to days as CYCLE DAYS. Guess its like getting back on a bicycle. A bicycle that has no seat, only that horrible pole. Something stole my nice comfy seat a long time ago. One where the chain jumps off the spinny thing all the time. I'm sure I will experience a flat tire or two. I'm not expecting this to be an easy ride, can you tell.

I looked back and I think I'm up about 3 pounds from my Pre-Holiday weight. Not bad, but not particularly good. I wanted to give us the best possible shot at this working, and I'm guessing from this point on, I have to accept that my weight is an issue in this.

Just to recap- we have 6 totsicles. I pray that when they thaw the first two, that they look great and we transfer them. Keeping the other 4 chillin'. But only God knows how that will turn out. Guess we will find out T-day.

I'm not even really sure how this cycle will go. Its been awhile since I did this, my mind is kind of foggy. But I'm sure when I get all my info, it will feel like jumping back on that ole bicycle.

Feeling Peace

2008-12-23T09:24:00.002-06:00

I asked for peace, I got some.

This weekend went beautifully. We had the family Christmas on Saturday and all had a great time meeting our newest member of the family. The night was not spent speaking about baby stuff as I had feared. We talked about all different stuff. The men all gathered in the living room and spoke about politics and other unpleasantries. I took a group of women to the sunroom and we laughed about the men!

Sunday we went to the new wee one's baptism. It was a beautiful ceremony and I welled up with pride as I thought of my responsibility in her life to teach her the ways of our Savior. I pray I'm equal to the task.

I had not shed a tear until yesterday when I found a picture of my Daddy holding me as a baby. Mainly the tear was of remembrance and happiness. I saw how he looked at me and it wasn't much differently than in other pictures. He always had such a sense of pride and joy when he looked at me. I pray that God blesses us in 2009 with an opportunity to share that joy of a child with my Angel.

With God's help, I was able to not once think about us and our infertility, but to focus on the joy that surrounded us. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Thank you for all of your comments. They do help me to realize that I'm not the only one going through this. I'm not the only one hurting. I think as January nears, I am really afraid that the 6 embies in the freezer are our last hope and I'm so afraid of failure. This is a viscious cycle. I think I run through every emotion every time. Thanks for your patience and listening to my rambling.

Merry Christmas to ALL!

PUNISH ME ALREADY!

2008-12-19T14:07:00.004-06:00

I looked at this picture of me today. This was in the 9 day wait after transfer after my 2nd IVF. In this picture, I'm sorta the "p" word. The embie was hanging in there. We had such a good time on our trip to the mountains. It was exactly what I needed to keep my mind off the transfer. Maybe that's why it sorta worked! Or was it the weight loss. Or did I kill my child on some crazy exercise equipment I just HAD TO TRY.
Lord, PLEASE HELP MY MIND TO STOP PUNISHING ME! Please help me to let this go. Please help me to know that there was NOTHING I could do. I know it in my head, but please share it with my heart. Please remind me that I don't always know what's best and that the path you have chosen for me is perfect for ME. Please give me patience and peace.

Dreams off a checklist

2008-12-15T16:14:00.002-06:00

We are having Christmas early with our family. Everyone has work and various other responsibilities, and this coming Saturday just worked.
I got a sinking feeling a few minutes ago when my SIL emailed about what to bring. That was going to be THE DAY. Saturday would have been the day that we told everyone we were the "p" word. If things had gone alright, I would have been 14 weeks along and we would have felt good about telling folks. Yep, mark that dream off the checklist.
Also, I've had this silly notion that I could quit working and stay home with a kiddo. I have a great job, but I want to try to give my kids something I didn't have, a stay @ home Mommy. We had a nest egg that we invested that went KERBLUNK when the market fell. We planned on using that money for about 5years so that I could stay at home. Mark that dream off the checklist too.
Along with the joy of visiting with family, we have one brand new member and 2 more on the way. So I will have to listen to OOoooo's and AAHhhhhh's all night long. I really feel nothing but total happiness for these beautiful angels that are a new part of our family. But the selfish wench in me is pretty ticked that I'm not the one with the big belly. Instead, I'm going to be the one that can't talk to anyone about anything because I haven't experienced any of it, and (the doom and gloom comes over me) might never ever experience it.
(Picking myself out of the gutter) I've got a 6pack in the freezer waiting for January to do the FET. I know. I guess I'm just sad because I came across both of my pictures of my embryos that we had transferred. I also opened my drawer and saw my $10,000 bears (yes,we have two of them). I walk past our kid sanctuary every day. And I mark Christmas as another year without our dream coming true. CHEEEEEEECK!
I don't do it all the time, but just because I'm jumping way deep into this pity pit, I also see my neice and see her getting older. I remind myself that we started this journey before she was born. She is now 5 1/2 years old.
I'm tired of waiting, tired of wanting, and tired of marking time by cycles and disappointments. I'm also beating myself up because I should have kept doing that darned progesterone after I started bleeding. For 2 seconds, we were pregnant. I hate that I can't beat up whatever took that feeling from me.
Gosh, I had been doing so well for so long. Guess its the holidays. My Grandma died on Nov 29, Aunt Dec 5, and Dad on Dec 31. I have a whole lot to be thankful for, but I'm aching and missing a lot of loved ones that I don't have to share this time of year with.
SNAP OUT OF IT!! I'm trying to kick myself in the butt! Hope is just .... sometimes.... a big ole fat BEYATCH!! It keeps me going.
I think Angel has been thankful we haven't had to talk about it for a few weeks. But the other night, I said, "we were pregnant". He said "yeah". I said, "and you knew it, before it was official". He said "yeah". I said,"you told me that it would all be ok and you knew it" he said "yeah", then he said, "but, you stopped the progesterone". Oh MY GOD! I killed my child. The dr said I didn't, but I can't shake the guilt. I tried so hard to get to that point, and I stopped it. I felt for sure that since it was full bleeding that there was no way that anything could help it. I did the cri_none for 2 days after full bleeding, then just felt there was no use. TMI- but I don't think it was even staying in there. Ok, this is just me, trying to rationalize. Thats the closest he's ever gotten to saying that I stopped the progesterone and that killed our kid. I said it outloud a couple times and he snapped me back to reality and said that the dr said that wasn't the case. BUT CMON! I GoOgLe. I know that low progesterone can cause a miscarriage. Maybe they are shielding me, or trying to.
Nothing I can do about it now. Keep my eyes on the FET in January. Try not to gorge myself on holiday food. Thanks for hanging in, sorry its so random. Thats kind of how my mind works.

didja ever think...

2008-12-04T16:00:00.002-06:00

Hey Ya'll! Tgiving was good, turkey and all, YUM! AF (aka Mildred) showed yesterday. I was so tempted to call the RE and say, "I'm Day 1". But then I'm trying to stick to our original plan of waiting until January. I think it will be for the best. Give us some time to save up for the FET. I've got to save some leave time from work, some money from my paycheck, and some of my sanity. Each cycle takes so much out of you, but here I go, preaching to the choir. I feel like I'm gearing up for a big expedition, and to some extent, I am.
In the mean time, here are some things that I've been thinking about off and on. Start each sentence with "DIDJA EVER THINK..."

1- It would take this long?
2- It would hurt this much?
3- You would be "the last one"?
4- You could hear the word "negative" and not cry?
5- It would cost this much?
6-It would consume your life this much?
7- your dreams wouldn't come true?
8-you would yearn for something so much, it was physically painful?
9- you would give yourself a shot of ANYTHING?!
10- It would take this much courage to go through each day?

Dear God

2008-11-21T08:16:00.002-06:00

This was sent to me by a friend. I needed it so very much. I hope it brings you peace as well.

DEAR GOD:
I want to thank You for what you have already done.

I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank You right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank You right now

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking You right now.

I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking You right now. I am thanking You because I am alive. I am thanking You because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking You because I have walked around the obstacles.

I am thanking You because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I'm thanking You because, FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

God is good, and He's good all the time. Continue to THANK God.

Blaming Myself, a smidgen

2008-11-06T13:32:00.002-06:00

Well I found myself blaming myself for the chem preg yesterday. When we were in the mountains, vacationing after the transfer, I remember sitting at dinner on a Thursday night saying, "I think the kid likes the steak." Never imagining there was actually SOMETHING in there. Then Friday, I started bleeding. I knew it was over. I knew it wasn't right.
So I keep going over and over in my mind the events that happened post transfer. I'm kicking myself but as we were walking down the street, this whacko exercise thing caught our eye. So we went into the store to try it out. I did, not even THINKING that it would be jarring my pelvic area some. So this is where the kicking myself comes in. That was "THE Thursday". I wasn't feeling anything that I hadn't felt before being on the progesterone. I didn't feel like really anything. But it/they were in there, and I screwed it up.
Now this is where reasonable Hollie comes in. Now Hollie, you didn't screw it up. If it was meant to be it would have been. Nothing you did (this comes from the RE) caused this. Well then snippy Hollie comes back and says, "DRS DON"T KNOW EVERYTHING".
Riding the guilty wave. This too will pass...

I think they've given up on us

2008-10-27T10:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I went to a baby shower. It was okay. Not too bad. Until I got tired of Ooooing and AHHHHing and drifted away into my own mind about things. I was in a room of 14 women. All of which had all had babies or one that was going to have a baby. I was the only one that hadn't experienced that.
After all the gifts had been opened, people are getting ready to go, but wait! One more small conversation. The Mom-to-be had to say that this was an "Ooops" baby. She was on bcp at the time. Then I got informed of all the other women that so and so knew that had the same thing. Not just that they got pg on bcp, but that one had twins and one had triplets! (at this point, this is so foriegn to me, I still cant imagine making a baby without a speculum being involved)
Then they went around to all the young moms and said, Oh don't you think its time for #2, or #3 or #4? I scooted out of the room before they could get to me, but I didn't escape the glance of the woman that started the whole,"Isn't it time for # whatever" conversation. She glanced at me, then hung her head.
You know, women just have this intuition. Heck they even named a women's razor after it, INTUITION. Its some good stuff! I got it. And although I thought I would be escaping the question of WHEN we were going to have children by leaving the room, ultimately I realized that they wouldn't have asked me. They, meaning the family, have given up on us.
I walked into the kitchen, fixed myself another glass of punch. Before I left that day, 2 women that had been looking at me for the previous 2 hours said, "Oh you are looking good." Yep, I read this one. Hit the nail on the head. They don't know what to say, I don't know what to say! They are trying to make me feel better by trying to be supportive, and I'm all snarky and mean. Well, I've turned the curve. I am now the one they have given up on. I don't know if its better to be the one that always has to explain why we don't have kids or if its better that they have given up and won't ask anymore. I've decided it sucks either way.
We survived no TV week, and I actually like it. We turned it on last night, it felt strange. Like it was too loud or I would rather be reading. I tried my hardest to be all mad and angry at no TV, but after the 3rd day, I decided I liked it. Got us back to basics. Slowed our world down. Angel has gotten down in the dumps about work a bit, so my time is going to be spent trying to get him out of this funk. I know we will be fine, no matter what happens. God's got our back. He is with us through the triumphs and trials.
They baby drs sent a little stuffed lamb to me in the mail. Had a little tag on it that said something to the effect of, "if you need something cuddly to hold, here I am." I had it on the dresser for awhile. It was cute. But I don't always want to think about this. I need some time. So I put it in the drawer along with my 2 "$10,000 bears". I call them $10,000 bears because each IVF cost about $10,000 and they gave me this cutesy bear after the retrievals. I look at them, in the drawer. But I don't always want this to be #1 in my mind. Does that make sense? I know where they are when I might need them.
Right now, I'm focusing on our marriage. I think that we will go for the FET after the first of the year. When we went to the Mart to get the baby shower gift, Angel said Oh look at this crib. I was like huh? He said yep, this is the one we need. I'm stunned. But even though he's bummed about work, he is still looking forward to our little frozen totsicles thawing and making a child for us. Praise God!

butshing

2008-10-24T11:18:00.003-05:00

Crazy title! I am constantly amazed at the words that they come up with to make you type so that you can leave a comment on someone's blog. This was the latest, and it just made me laugh. You have to say it outloud, I did! BWAHHHAAHAAA!! Too funny.

So the thing is that this is the first time I've laughed in several days. I don't even remember the last time I've laughed.

I got home last night to a big envelope in the mail. It was from "them". "Them" is the baby drs, the RE's office. I opened it. It was a booklet on grieving the loss of a child after miscarriage or stillbirth. HUH? Was that really me? Did that really happen? Am I one of those people that had a miscarriage? This book certainly isn't for me. There was a note in it from the Counselor that sent it that said, "I'll call you soon." OMG! What am I going to say to this person? She better wait awhile, til I can come up with some butshing for her.

Still no tears have been shed since the day I started full AF type bleeding, 2 days before my Beta was positive. I guess I cried it all out that day, or I will have a horrible delayed reaction.

Angel had a strange sort of demotion from work. His female boss said to him that she realized "you and your wife have suffered a great loss" and used our infertility as an excuse to fuel her power hungry fire. Long story short, a great injustice is happening to Angel at work. He does his job, doesn't complain, has patients, drs, families and co-workers that adore him. Well that poses a threat to the power hungry B****s at work. He isn't looking to get ahead, exactly. He wants to do his job and do it well. But they are pushing him out, and can't find any other excuse other than the fact that he had to take ONE day off, that he got pre-approved, to take me to the baby dr. Makes me so mad, on so many levels, I can barely see straight.

I read the booklet. It was for me. This did happen. I had a bunch of cells put in my uterus and for 30 seconds, they attached and tried to make a home. That little bunch of cells was part me and part Angel. It didn't live. I guess that is considered a miscarriage.

A hard fact to take in. That last 2 sentences were hard to type.

So to sum this all up, its just BUTSHING! Angel's work, getting THE BOOKLET, realizing that it was a miscarriage, and now waiting for the Counselor to call. I thought I was dealing with this. Ummmm maybe not so much.

On a good note: Angel and I have been in TV Jail. No TV for us since last Friday. Its been difficult, different, and weird. I didn't realize how much I was addicted to it. I have used it as a tool to escape. Maybe that's what everyone does. But I can just stare at this silly box and go anywhere I want to in my mind. Mesmerizing! If Angel asks, "Whats going on with the show?" Answer is most of the time, "I don't know". So we both have had to communicate more and we eat food ONLY at the table. Its an adjustment. Its a great experiment. Angel was the one that suggested that if we are going to be parents, we have to start communicating more, not just during the commercials. Tomorrow, the ban will be lifted. We will be on TV parole. We are still going to have tv free days and eat at the table. I hope this experiment has brought us closer together.

I've been Tagged!

2008-10-22T10:11:00.006-05:00

WHOA! I've been tagged! I've never been tagged, not sure exactly what to do. So I'll take my cues from Chelle and go for it! WHA? I can only use ONE WORD? Ughh!

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Where is your significant other? work
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? whackadoo
5. Your father? LOVE
6. Your favorite thing?
7. Your dream last night? mother
8. Your dream/goal? parenthood
9. The room your in? lab
10. Your hobby? house
11. Your fear? dying
12. Where do you want to be in six years? kindergarten
13. Where were you last night? mexican
14. What you’re not? untruthful
15. One of your wish list items? chimes
16. Where you grew up? AL
17. The last thing you did? spreadsheet
18. What are you wearing? coat
19. Your T.V.? OFF
20. Your pets? Sassy
21. Your computer? necessity
22. Your mood? surreal
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? AWESOME
25. Something you’re not wearing? glasses
26. Favorite store? HobbyLobby
27. Your Summer? frivilous
28. Love someone? Angel
29. Your favorite color? Green
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? Oct5

Today it hit me

2008-10-20T17:19:00.004-05:00

What would it be like to create a child and a Dr not be involved? What would it be like for the words to come out of my mouth, "hehee this is our OOOPS baby." That concept is so foreign to me. I think along with each step in this journey, I have to take a deep breath and realize that this is how it is for us. I scour the internet for information, one more tidbit about what I'm dealing with. How many ways can you say "Chem.Ical Pregn*ancy". Believe me, I've searched for them all! Just for some tidbit. Some morsel that I missed. Something that the Dr or Nurses aren't telling me. Haven't found it.

Were those lil' embies, the ones I had pictures of, were they really in there? Had they actually found a spot and thrived for 30 seconds? Enough to get the beta to go up a smidgen? I haven't thought of it this way until now. Those were part of us, part Angel and part me. More importantly is that for the first time in my life, I was completely responsible, even if it was a short time, for someone other than myself. Its a surreal feeling.
I guess things have just happened really fast. All the while, I've had to work, meet deadlines, go to the grocery store, do laundry, deal with my family. Imagine this: Life goes on while you are in the midst of something tragic. MAJOR REVELATION!
In some ways, I'm glad that things go on, so that I don't have time to dwell. It doesn't make it any easier to get to sleep at night though. My beta was 16 on Monday. So guess that means that if I had AF in the month of November (my body is so whacked out right now, who knows) that I could possibly do an FET.

So then my mind says, LOOK! Don't rush this thing. Work, the holidays, parties, etc.... it will be really hard to #1 keep it a secret, #2 Explain why I won't be attending da da da (oh boy have I come up with some hum dingers) #3 (Just to try to make this the longest run on sentence EVER) Keep up with the pressure of it all, #4 Come up with the 2 grand its going to cost us.

I don't think I've ever felt jealousy at the announcement of a new child. I think the feeling can be best described as a wake up call. It wakes me up to the fact that Angel is now 40, turning 41 in February. I'm going to be 32 in March. My mother was 32 when she had me and I ALWAYS said I would have kids before this because she was too old when I was growing up to do things with me. Now, I realize that it wasn't so much the age factor, but the WhACko factor that kept my mother from doing things with me. Its a smack in the face that these people that JUST HAD "YA KNOW", conceived, and had a baby. UNFATHOMABLE! Reminder of how long we've been at this. How long I've been taking prenatal vitamins. Reminder of how naive I was when I started taking prenatal vitamins. Reminder of all the disappointing phone calls I got, and all the disappointing phone calls I had to make to friends. Its just a smackaroo in the ole kisser to think that. So when someone says, "I'm pg!", these are the things that run through my head like a bad dream. I always have had a dream, silly I know, to be able to announce a pregnancy at Christmas. I thought this time, it would really happen. But for the 4th year in a row, it will not come true.

Something funny. They had free flu shots at work. We were all standing in line and the folks that were coming out of the area they were giving the shots were saying, "Owwch, that hurt". I felt like yelling "YOU PANSY!! Try getting 3.5cc PROG*ESTERO.NE In OIL In your backside everyday for 20 days and enduring cellulitis and 102 degree fever along with it. But all along, saying, I've got to keep doing this because I might be pg. " Yeah, shuttup about the stinkin' flu shot with a tiny needle and .5ml of liquid. just SHUTTUP!

Hanging in there

2008-10-20T09:13:00.002-05:00

Just got back from the trip to the dr for another Beta test. This time is different for sure. I again, didn't want to go. I didn't want to get up EARLY, make the 1 hour drive, listen to the hope in the nurse's voices. But again, I was wrong. It was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear their hope. I needed to hear what they had to say about all this. God always sends you just what you need, when you need it. I needed them this morning and I'm so thankful they were there to lend an ear and some thoughtful insight.
Although I didn't ask for it, God is giving me wisdom to get through this. He is putting a lot of things in my head that make me realize that this journey hasn't been in vain. There is a reason for this madness. Sort of makes me excited to think what God has in store for us next!
Pondering this question- Couldn't we have taken a shortcut to get to this point? Did it really have to take 4+ years to get here? The answer is No and Yes. And the reason why it took so long, I think, is because I am so hard headed! I feel like smacking my head like they do in those V8 commercials. SHOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION! I was too wrapped up in doing this and that to get the real message.
Thank you God for your blessings of time, hope and wisdom. I hope I don't let you down.

Not meant to be

2008-10-13T15:33:00.002-05:00

Its a biochemical pregnancy. I stop the hormone supplements and wait for the inevitable to happen.

I'm actually okay. No tears shed, yet. Its been fun for a few days. Dreaming and hoping.

I have to say, if we didn't have the "6 pack" of frozen embies, I think I would call it quits. 5 years is long enough. But we owe it to them to give it a try. Just not right now.

I've never been this far before. Never gotten a positive Beta. It gave me a new sense of hope, well and disappointment. No regrets. Just going to move on.

Angel has got a good ole Southern supper ready for me when I get home. I'm looking forward to some SOUL FOOD!

Not so bad

2008-10-10T12:06:00.002-05:00

Well being here in this place isn't so bad. Of course, I would be resting so much easier had the numbers been higher. But to be "the P word" for almost 48 hours was blissful. The sight of Angel's eyes dancing was worth the 5 years battling this issue.
I have looked so forward to the look in his eyes, ever since this started. It is unimaginable. I get great joy from seeing Angel happy. His happiness is definitely more exciting and wonderful than my own.
So in some of this, I might sound like I'm giving up now. Not really. Also, it might sound like I'm picking out nursery furniture, not so much. I'm definitely on the fence right now. Can go either way. I'm thankful to have gotten this far. This is a place I never thought I would be. It has brought me renewed hope.
So a little bit of the "G" man ahead, stop reading if you want. I felt in my gut that while we were doing THIS cycle, God was with us. I knew that when we went in to the office for various things, God was there and WE were supposed to be there. He blessed us by revealing his plan for us. So I feel that even if this doesn't work out, I am affirmed that this was part of OUR journey. My gut, and my God weren't wrong.
What went terribly wrong is when I started bleeding and I just totally discounted the power of God in our lives. YES we are important enough for God to intervene in our lives. Even with all the bleeding, the numbers are still going up. WHO KNOWS?
I think the difference this time, and the peace I've felt this go around, has been when I've trusted that God will PROVIDE and He will carry us through this. Although anxious to hear the next set of numbers, I'm going to enjoy these days as they come. Each and every day is a treasure. I can't lose sight of that.
Also, I'm not afraid to hear if someone has some insight, good or bad, into my numbers. Any feedback is welcome.

Got the numbers

2008-10-09T21:06:00.002-05:00

Beta hCG from 128 to 147

Progesterone from 1.5 to 12.1

Estrogen from 91 to 164

Go back Monday for another blood test.

Can anyone give me some input on these numbers? I know the progesterone is low. But I'm doing Crinone, so you can't always accurately measure it with blood serum tests. In 48 hours, shouldn't the beta have gone up more?

Guess I won't stop worrying until he/she graduates college.

They DIDN"T CALL

2008-10-09T20:04:00.003-05:00

They didn't call me today. So for the first time in MY LIFE, I have a positive beta. OF course, one beta doesn't tell you much. The key is a comparison of TWO betas. SO I marched my happy butt an hour away this morning before DAYLIGHT to have blood drawn and they didn't even call me to tell me the results. I won't be able to get some much needed sleep thinking about this. All I told myself all day long was, If you make it til 5pm, you will know SOMETHING and be at ease. Yet again, my gut has been wrong. I am so disappointed.

Ok, there might be more

2008-10-07T21:00:00.002-05:00

Picture this. I go to get lunch. I decided to have a nice picnic outside, enjoy some of this wonderful fall weather. I set up my sandwich, all comfy.... the phone rings. Its THE RE's OFFICE! What are they doing calling at 1:00pm? Something must be wrong. I let it ring 3 times, I don't know if I want to pick it up. I did.
Short story LONG.... my beta is 128! OMG! Is that good? I'm 9 dp5dt. I'm pretty knowledgeable about things IF, but I've never made it this far before. HELP!
I've been bleeding since Saturday. Spotted on Friday. Evidently this is not the norm, but not too uncommon. SO I go back on Thursday to see if it goes up. I'm not saying the "p" word.... might entertain the idea after Thursday.
Maybe one of the embies can hang on through all that bleeding.??? Anyone have any ideas? They said there could be a lot of reasons why I've been bleeding. I haven't done too much looking on the internet. Haven't had time. They increased my progesterone. Only thing we can do is wait and see. I guess it could be some sort of hemorrhage? Eh, I'm not speculating yet. Just enjoying this feeling.
Biggest question I've got right now is, "Why did you ever doubt that God could do this?" I did. And biggest lesson learned from this? Don't listen to your gut, HOLLIE!! Do all your meds like you are supposed to and JUST DO IT!
I thought about donating a poster to the IVF section of the RE office. I could be the face of the campaign for FOLLOWING THE DRS ORDERS!!

Good things

2008-10-07T11:54:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm getting better, slowly. I'm starting to look at things as good again. I had to go to the clinic today. They made me. Here's how the conversation went...

Hollie: Hello?

Amanda: (meek and mild) This is Amanda from Dr *&(^&^$ office. They told me to call you and tell you that you HAVE to come in for your beta tomorrow.

Hollie: Why?

Amanda: Ummm welll ummm welll..... I don't know why.

Hollie: Well find out.

Amanda: Well, ummm I don't have anyone around to ask.

Hollie: (in my brain- FIND SOMEONE) Okay, whatever.

I'm a big ole beyatch! I just didn't want to go in there. I didn't want to have to face them. I didn't want to have to say, okay, I've been bleeding for DAYS now with no relief in sight. There is NO WAY I'm preggo. But I put on my gold shoes and pranced my happy butt in there this morning. They gave me a big ole scoop of hope, NOT what I needed. But they are sweet. Amanda is sweet, and got informed this morning that she is new. So look at me, big ole meanie veteran beating up on the fresh meat.

So now, I'm scared that they might call me and I might have a beta of like 8. That would mean I was preggo for like 10 minutes, right? I think that might just be awful.

No tears today though, I'm happy of that. Trying to stay strong and keep doing what I can do. I CAN work. I can breathe. I can laugh, although hard. So breathing, laughing, working, and doing it all over again.

Too good to be true

2008-10-05T16:17:00.002-05:00

Friday morning, I woke up, I knew something wasn't right. Saturday morning, I woke up spotting. Called the nurse. She said it could be implantation bleeding. Nope, Sunday full force AF. No baby for us.
Angel and I had a huge horrible argument. I was being a big fat jerk. I guess I wanted someone to feel as badly as I do. I know THIS feeling will pass. Lord knows I've been through it enough. I'm in the mad stage now. Next is numb, which I believe is coming very soon.
One of the hardest things to shake this go around is what I have done to my family. I have put us through 5 years of this and too many thousands of dollars to mention. I think for the first time, I'm going to try to admit it to myself that we are chasing an unattainable dream. I'm dragging Angel and our marrige along with it. I guess at this point, I'm feeling guilt for all the pain I've put us through. Trying to be positive, trying to have faith, trying to hope that a dream can come true.
I have a followup with RE 10/22. Don't know if I'll make it or not. I have an appt for beta Tuesday. I know I won't go to that.
Right now, and I know I'm being crazy and irrational, and this feeling will pass, but I have to admit that our 6 embies in the freezer are almost a burden. They mean that we cant just GIVE UP! I can't just yell "IM DEFEATED", "IM DONE". Nope, I've got 6 little miracles waiting for their Mom to snap out of this mess. That means more money, more emotional investing, and with each failure, chipping away a piece of my heart.
I've got to go to work tomorrow and keep my chin up and do something that I can do, work. Put one foot in front of the other. Breathe in and out. Keep doing it over and over again as my dream keeps slipping further away.
By the way, today is my 6th Wedding Anniversary.

Humbled and blessed

2008-09-29T15:51:00.003-05:00

That is the only way to describe this feeling. I am amazed that my OHSS is being kept at bay. I'm amazed that I made it to the day I had been dreaming about for so long, TRANSFER DAY! I'm so thankful that we had not only 2 beautiful embies to transfer, but we had 6 to freeze! I'm so blessed that Angel has really been an amazing man, husband, and friend in the last few weeks. I'm most blessed to see God working so boldly in our lives right now. Leaves me at a loss for words....

I used to think that all this was work. For me, now, I see it as a journey. One that I am thankful that I have taken. I'm glad its behind me, but better having experienced it. If the outcome is positive, of course I will be overjoyed! If it is negative, I will cry 'til the tears won't fall anymore. Either way, I'm just blessed to be where I am right now, right this very minute. I'm loved, I'm healthy, and I am happy. I feel like I got my degree in IF! The cap is being tossed as I type!

Thanks to all of you for your help and encouragement. It has all meant so much. After each step, I just had to rush to get to the blog to tell all my pals about what happened. Thank you isn't enough.

Sheer Amazement!

2008-09-26T15:34:00.002-05:00

Thank you for all the comments and notes of encouragement. They are all such a blessing.

I'm incredibly upbeat today. Yesterday, I tried to go to work. It took me 2 hours to get ready. But I went. I stayed for a whopping 2 hours, and my boss told me to go home. On my way home, the nurse called. We had 16 embies yesterday all dividing well. Then I told her about my symptoms and she said I should come to the office today so we could get a baseline idea of how bad the OHSS could/would be. So I napped yesterday, ate lots of protein, limited my fluid intake, and today I feel better.

We still went into the office this morning. Got all checked out. Haven't heard from the bloodwork, but I feel better and the ultrasound didn't show anything that lead them to believe I shouldn't go ahead with the transfer on Sunday, as planned. My ins and outs are still pretty much equal, thanks to the increased protein. That will keep me breathing well. Its a chore, but its SO WORTH IT!

While I was in the office, the nurse called and left today's fertilization report on my voice mail. Here is the kicker! Yesterday, we had 16 embies. Today we have 17! One caught up with the others! OMG!! Never in a million years did I expect an increase. All I can say is that its a miracle. There is no rhyme or reason, only God. I don't know why, but I'll take whatever He decides to give us.

My BHcG will be 2 days after our 6th anniversary. I've just now been able to actually look that far ahead. I think we might actually make it. We are so close.... please God, Give us your blessings.

Fertilization Report, #1

2008-09-24T10:29:00.002-05:00

hey Ya'll,
I had 29 eggs aspirated yesterday. Out of 29, 26 were mature. All of those were ICSI'd. Out of those, 16 are "fertilizing correctly". Its possible (so they say) that there might be more and they are a little behind. The Embryologist only looks at them once a day, so that they can leave them alone to do their thing. I'm excited and so grateful. Its almost unreal. I know it is still very early, so much can still happen, for the good and the bad. Just trying not to get too far ahead of myself. STILL taking it one day at a time.
As for the hyperstim situation, I'm not out of the woods. Evidently it can start as early as retrieval day but peaks at 7dp retrieval. I'm slightly short of breath and have gained 3 pounds. Thankfully, I'm still urinating and just feel a bit worn out. We always knew I would have OHSS, we are just trying to minimize the symptoms.
I will report when I know more. It means so much to me that I can share this with such wonderful people that really care. Thank you isn't enough, but THANK YOU.

Second Verse, much like the first

2008-09-23T19:12:00.002-05:00

ER went well. I got 29 eggs, don't know how many were mature. We will find out tomorrow of course how many fertilized.
We left the house this morning at 5am. Uneventful drive 2 1/2 hours. We got to the RE office. She said "Sign In". Okay, so we did. She said "so you are here for cryoscreen bloodwork, go to the lab". I said "No, I'm here for Egg Retrieval". Long story short, I was fairly disappointed several times at the clinic today. Seemed like the Mickey Mouse club. Things just didn't go smoothly with paperwork and made me second guess things because there were so many little simple mistakes. When $10,000 and our future children are on the line, makes me a bit upset if they drop the ball. I know they do it every day, but TODAY was MY day! Also, something was weird with the anesthetic. I felt EVERYTHING. I was totally coherent and every time she plucked or poked, I felt it, BIG TIME! What made me the most upset was that before we went in, I said that last time, I "woke up" twice and felt the pain. They assured me that they were using a different anesthetic and it wouldn't happen again. Obviously I wasn't in any kind of state to raise heck about it, but you better believe I'm going to have a talk with the RE about it.
I'm hurting a bit in my abdomen, but I believe it is to be expected. I'm going to take the day off tomorrow and rest these ovaries. Should hear the fertilization report tomorrow by noon. I'm excited to hear for sure.
Thank you so much for all of your well wishes and prayers. You will never know how much I appreciate them all.

Retrieval Tomorrow

2008-09-22T16:16:00.002-05:00

Hi Ya'll,
Quick update. My ER is tomorrow. I'm nervous, obviously. Just one step closer to where I got derailed last go around. I'm praying that my follies contain good eggs and that they fertilize. I hate all this "what if" stuff. I will let ya'll know whats going on when I get home tomorrow, if I'm feeling like firing up the ole 'puter.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Keep them up.

Fun with Follicles

2008-09-20T17:34:00.004-05:00

Well ended up I had to go to the "big" office 2.5 hrs away this morning for bloodwork and ultrasound. The satellite office I usually go to isn't open on weekends. No big thing except for the 6th day in a row, I've had to get up around 5am. That doesn't make Hollie a happy camper.
The day started off with a bang. I rolled over, said to myself,"Hey I need to pee. Get up." Then I looked at the clock. Hmmmm 5:35.... hmmmm I'm supposed to be up at 5am, I have a dr appt today. CRAP! I set the alarm wrong! I shot out of bed. Zooming through my morning routine, out the door in record time. Drove 2.5 hours and arrived 5 min before my appt time. WHEW!!
So I've got about 15-18 follies on each ovary. The right one caught up with the left. All are averaging 1.4-1.7cm. My Estradiol is a wee smidgen under 3000, so I've got to go back to the "big office" tomorrow to get another ultrasound and blood work. Maybe I will trigger Monday? Angel is working this weekend, so I have to go it alone. The RN said today that I'm having a "great IVF cycle." Okay, I'll take that. They also lowered my meds again. NICE!
Little bit of the "not so great" part of IVF. I'm super tired, but unable to really rest. I get HOT at the drop of a hat. I sweat on my scalp. My back pain/aches come and go. When I walk, I feel like I'm holding two boulders, one on each hip. With every motion, with every step, I'm reminded that I am incubating bookoodles of eggs. Let me also add that I feel 10,000 times better than I ever did with the last protocol. I can live with this one.
Sometimes it feels like it was just days ago we were planning to come off BCP(May 2004), then at other times it feels like forever. It feels like yesterday (January 2008) that we were coming off our BFN FET and deciding that weight loss would help. I decided to embark on a weight loss journey. So here I am, 6 months later, a lean & mean egg making machine! This cycle seemed so slow. Now I can't keep enough gas in the car going back and forth to the RE's. Exciting and scary all at the same time. I know that you gals can relate. Somewhere along this twisted path, I've kept the faith and hope that we will be parents one day. Please Lord, help us to be the parents we so desperately want to be. Keep us safe and give us peace that only you can.

Stim day 5

2008-09-19T10:06:00.002-05:00

Had my u/s and bloodwork done yesterday. Estrogen is already above 1000 at 1040. They lowered my meds. I've got about 30 on my left ovary that are popping out with about half of them starting to grow. On my right, I have about 17 follies with about half of them growing. Largest ones are about 1.2cm-1.4cm, lining is good at 0.8cm. I go tomorrow to get checked again. We are looking at Wednesday 24th for possible ER. Still feeling good and trying to take this one day at a time. Definitely getting fatigued, but I've run several marathons at work this week. Getting sore around my belly.
Angel is being so supportive and sweet. I think I'll keep him! ;)

Ya'll have a great weekend. I'll be burning up the highway!

Freak OUT!!

2008-09-15T15:31:00.005-05:00

Well they said I would either have a period or not, whatever was fine. So Mildred, as I like to call Auntee flo, arrived on Friday. Just in time for my wonderful weekend plans with Angel. When I went in on Wednesday, Nurse Practitioner (I'm going to have to come up with a really great name for her), said that if I did see Mildred, it wouldn't be that much because I had a thin endometrium. Ummmm well, lets just say, thats not so much the case.
Well I was at peace with this until I got a call this morning. I had left a message on the IVF hotline saying that I got Mildred on Friday and didn't know if they wanted to know, but thought I would call just in case. Janeane (we will call her Janeane after Janeane Garofalo because she is very DRY) the IVF nurse called. She said, okay tell me about it. Well I've not spoken this much in depth about a period, EVER! She said not to leave any details out. Mid way through the conversation, I got this sinking feeling like if I said the wrong thing, she would derail my cycle, call it a bust, and I just took my first STIM SHOT last night!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
She said, after I spilled every ounce of information I could about Mildred, that she would speak with the doc and get back with me. Possible that she would want me to take some extra estrogen or .... and I cut her off. I said I will wait to hear from you.
Just got the call. WHEW! What a relief! RE said that it is fine. We are early in stimming and that I have plenty of time to build up an endometrium, even if I bleed for another 3-4 days. I'm evidently going to stim at least 8-10 days.
So dodged a BULLET with that one! I just thought, how in the world could I be out of this cycle and only this far into it? BAFFLING!! Thank goodness all is still rolling on. I feel good about this cycle. I feel differently than I have in the past. I feel like I am more calm. Lets see how I feel in 10 days! ;) Maybe doesn't sound like it with this post, but I can actually think about other things this go around. I didn't tick tock away the evening last night waiting for my shot time to roll around. I don't feel as crappy yet either. I am on a different protocol. I am doing Lupron and Stims at the same time. Weird huh? Just trying to avoid the OHSS. I do believe that the weight loss has helped. And maybe even the push at work is helping to keep my mind off things too.
So where as I think things are horrible, 99 times out of 100 they end up being blessings. WHY do I freak out so fast? Even though I'm able to go about my daily routine better this time doesn't mean that I don't know how much this is costing us emotionally, financially, and physically. I talked to Angel briefly about the possibility that this could be negative. I asked him that on the day that we find out, if it is negative, please don't tell me we can't do it again. He reluctantly said yes to this go around. He is very worried about me and how bad I got with the OHSS. I gained so much weight and didn't urinate. He was afraid that my kidneys would shut down. That is the downfall of having an ICU Nurse as a husband. THEY SEE TOO MUCH JUNK! Everyone he'd ever seen in that situation didn't make it back. It is hard for him to see me hurting. I know he wants some resolution to this. Oh please God, Please let this be our time. Please God, keep my body safe and healthy and allow me to be the mother that you would have me to be.

My America

2008-09-11T16:02:00.004-05:00

I have had a weird feeling all day. One of somber remembrance of the world as it was 7 years ago. This post really got me thinking.
This morning, I was getting ready for work. It was an unusually good hair and make up day. I had a good cup of coffee, good breakfast, slurps and wiggles from the dogs and off I went. I heard on the radio that they were going to have a moment of silence at the same time that the first plane hit the first tower. By that time, my mind had gone back in time. I found myself remembering where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, and my heart broke all over again. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I pulled off the interstate. My beautiful make up job was in the toilet, or actually in an emergency fast food napkin that I had between the seats.
I'm sure everyone remembers where they were and how they found out about the attacks. It is etched in our memories. For hours, while I was struggling to try to work and drown out the TV news reports, I refused to see it on the tv. I heard all about it. I heard others talking about it. But I didn't want to actually SEE it. Finally, I gave in. Late that afternoon, when there were few around, I watched. It was unreal. Like a sci fi movie.
I wont forget the first time I heard the national anthem after 9-11-01. I won't forget the first time I saw a flag flying at half mast the next day. I won't forget the stories of those close to family and friends that were effected by this tragedy. I won't forget the feeling of pride that I felt in our country when people of all races, shapes, and creeds bound together at churches or temples to worship and comfort each other. I've never seen it in person but on tv, when I see a plane take off from an aircraft carrier, I get this warm fuzzy feeling inside. THAT is my America. Land of the free, home of the BRAVE. People that can set aside all the differences and help their fellow man. People that come together for a common cause. People, seemingly playing a small part as their cog in the wheel, seeing that they are part of something bigger.
If anything came out of 9-11, I would hope it is camaraderie. I pray it continues and grows stronger. I pray that people can put their differences aside and see that we can live in harmony. This is a beautiful, wonderful place. But America is only as strong as the people that call themselves American.
When I drove past our little airport this morning, there was a small plane circling, getting ready to land. Pre- 9-11, I wouldn't have given it another thought. I found myself watching and waiting to see what was going to happen.

Baby in a box

2008-09-10T17:13:00.002-05:00

I got my meds yesterday. I had them sent to work since I was worried about them getting hot sitting outside at the house AND my lovely dog Daisy that has been on a chewing spree. Makes me shudder to think what might have happened. Well my student saw on the outside, "REFRIGERATE" so she opened the box and put the stuff in the refrigerator, just like she has been told to do. I get back from lunch and she was looking at me a bit funny. So I spilled the beans and said "I guess you figured out our little secret". She was sweet and played dumb, but who could avoid the giant letters INSERT VA.G. InALLY ONLY. Also all the scripts had my name on them. But I was very vague. She was sweet about it and left it alone. I was thankful for that.
I was on my way home with my box sitting on the seat next to me. I started thinking about all the possibilities these meds could represent. They could possibly make me so sick, I would have to go back to the hospital. (can ya'll tell I'm scared to death of this? 5 days of hospitilization with OHSS is NO FUN) Or best case scenario, they could provide the answers to our dreams of having a child of our own. I dreamed about my "baby in a box" the rest of the way home. I chose to think of a positive side, instead of a negative.
Today I had my supression check. All was well. Good ole polycystic ovaries with nothing else to really outstanding. Nothing to keep me from proceeding. I have to admit, it seemed more real today. I wrote the big check. I don't part with money well. But reconcilled it within myself before even leaving the parking lot.
Then I got to work. My boss knows of all of our struggles. She has been amazingly supportive. I've been asking and telling her all about this for months now saying this is the time we are going to do this in hopes that we can prepare things for when I will be gone. I got all sort of upset when she dropped several bombs on me about things that needed to be done, and NOW. I have been in a tizzy all day. I've just now calmed down after accomplishing a ton this afternoon and just decided not to get in a huff, I'll just take it day by day and do my best. I say that now, but wait until I'm all pumped up on stims!!
Just trying TRYING TRYING to keep positive and keep going. Thanks to all that comment. On yesterday's post, it might not have been clear. But I have tried to prepare things at the house (like a full pantry) so that if I don't feel like going to the grocery, I don't have to go. But just to clarify, mayonnaise is a very important staple in our household!

JUMPING OFF POINT

2008-09-08T16:49:00.003-05:00

Here I sit at the jumping off point. Wednesday is my suppression check, the day I have to write the BIG CHECK, and the day I get my reality check. Yes, I am going to subject my body to all this poking and prodding. I am going in this knowing that I will get OHSS, just to what extent, we don't know. I have a freezer full of pre-cooked goodies so all I have to do is put them in the oven. I have a pantry full of green beans and we have enough ketchup and mayonnaise to open up a small grocery.
I told a good friend of mine that I'm excited, anxious, nervous, petrified, hopeful, and ready to claw someone's eyes out for smiling at me ALL at the same time. What really scares me is that all I've been doing is the noovah ring, so this is pretty much all me. I can't blame it on the hormones yet.
I put my retrieval date into a Du.e D*ate Ca..Lculator, cmon, you know you've done it. June. June is the month. June is a good month. UH OH... here comes the butterflies in my tummy again... AAHAHAHHAAAAAAA!
I've been thinking about asking my nurse to do some sort of something different if its negative. But then there is this thing about getting those phone calls, after the first word, always "Hollie", you know what she is going to say. So do I want to know with the first word, or do I want to be totally type A and ask her to do something different? Eh, I don't think its so much the word as the tone she uses. Do I want to go down this road right now when all this is just starting. I should be the most hopeful RIGHT NOW!
Angel is working so very hard these days. I'm ready for him to chill out. But as I'm learning, we deal with things our way, they deal with things their way. So providing for the family is his way of contributing. CONTRIBUTE AWAY MY PRINCE!
So my job is to chill out, grow some eggies, eat right, exercise. And I have to remember to call tomorrow and get a massage appointment. I'm doing massage therapy this time rather than acupuncture. Didn't get much out of the acupuncture other than an hour nap. I'd rather have a nice nap and feel like a noodle afterwards!

Quick Run Down

2008-08-29T08:23:00.002-05:00

hey Ya'll,
Been a BUSY week. No internet at home. We just won't go there!
Went and had SIS and HSG. It was okay, not as bad as expected. Not as bad as the first time, thats for sure. I have a "beautiful uterus", confirmed by the radiologist and RE. Also I have a "beautiful long cervix", something I've never been told before. All I asked in the end was "Is it a good place for an embie?" Everyone said, YES! We've just got to get you to fresh transfer.
So I'm walking more, eating even better, and TRYING to do whats hopefully best taking care of my body. Feeling a bit sluggish and weird with the noovah ring this go around. I can definitely tell that I'm retaining water. Although, I go tinkle like 3-4 times a night. But no doubt my feet are getting fat and thats the first sign. Oh do I remember the big fat feet that accompanied all the other treatments in the past. I hope that doesn't mean that my estrogen is skyrocketting? Anyone know?
Got my calendar and looks like, if all goes well, we should have the BetaHCG around Oct 8 or 9. SHEESH thats a long time to wait. BUT, I did ask if we could go on a little road trip after the supposed transfer, as long as I'm not in the hospital. I got a thumbs up and they said it actually might be good for me.
I've got a post brewing about the actual day of the SIS/HSG but don't have time to put it all down right now. Maybe over the long holiday weekend. :)
Hope ya'll have a good one!

Re-runs

2008-08-18T15:46:00.004-05:00

Today is cd2. I go on Wednesday (cd4) for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. Its been awhile since I referred to days in my life as cd (cycle days). It feels strange to be going down this path again. I am apprehensive. I wouldn't be telling the truth if I didn't tell you that.
For some strange reason, there is a certain amount of comfort to starting this process again as well. Its sort of like watching old Andy Griffith episodes. Yeah, of course you know how bad Aunt Bea's pickles are and you know that if Barney gets hold of a gun with a bullet, he will have some reason for shooting at his feet. But whenever you see a re-run, you are at a different point in your life, so you might catch these small subtle details about it that you didn't see the first time. I'm hoping that this go around, I have the same great results of the IVF, but that I also make it to a fresh transfer without the OHSS and hospitalization.
Goals for this week are to breathe in and out, put one foot in front of the other, and to really take one step at a time. Also, next Monday, I'm going to go in for my SIS and HSG. Just one step at a time.........

Curly Hair?

2008-08-12T08:49:00.002-05:00

Okay, strange thing I saw on the mornin' show. Do people like people with curly or straight hair better? Several theories. Men preferred straight, and the men didn't know why. I heard several references to Curly="wild". Okay, I'm not wild. I'm no where near wild. I had curly hair when I was little. Then it went straight. Then it went curly and hasn't changed a bit. I've used those crazy straightening irons, I end up looking like someone stuck my finger in a light socket!
So this is me, take it or leave it. Only good redeeming thing about it was that they said in a professional atmosphere, curly haired people were more articulate. Okay, I will take that. Bad with men, good with Jobs.... What do ya'll think?

Monday's RE appt

2008-08-05T14:45:00.003-05:00

okay, no nifty title for today's post. Just the facts today. All went well at RE's office other than the incredible wait of over an hour. I have to re-do some of my tests (SIS, HSG) because too much time has lapsed since the last time I did them. LOVELY! Oh how I love dye shot in the whooo haaaa la la la.... This time, I'm going to take the MAXIMUM dosage of NSAID's possible. I didn't get too much info on how this is going to go. I wait for Auntie Flo. I go in for baseline blood work. I start the NOOVAH-Ring for 21 days. Then I get AF? Unclear on this one. Then I start the Lupron. Then like 5 days of lupron, and then the stims. After that, monitoring then watch the follies grow, then schedule the retrieval yada yada. Yeah yeah, I got this.
So I'm scared. I'm scared that I will end up in the hospital again with OHSS. I know I will get some degree of it, but the hope is that it is minimal. I plan on continuing the exercise (swimming and walking) and eating well (lots of fruits and veggies) and WATER! RE also suggested some massage therapy for well being. AHHHH I'll take ya up on that one, Doc!
So last IVF, I got all the way to the end, then the rug was snatched out from under me and I didn't get to transfer my beautiful embies. They were growing, with no place to go. They were good enough for fresh transfer, but didn't meet freeze criteria. Ehhh, I've got to stop thinking about them. This is a new day!
If you pray, please pray for us. If you do voodoo, do that voodoo that you do for some good JUJU for me! I'm calling on all good thoughts, vibes, and prayers!

New Leaf

2008-08-01T11:36:00.002-05:00

Alright, ya'll all know that I am always trying some new way to be positive. Then I spiral down into the pits then back up again. Well I'm trying a new thing out.
I've been watching Joyce Meyer, and she is kicking my tushie to get me going in the right direction. I'm going to the RE on Monday. A bit nervous, but going nevertheless. I'm about to embark on my 2nd IVF and I am scared. I'm scared of the emotional stuff, and I'm scared of the physical stuff. SHEESH, I shudder to think of either one. But Angel is by my side, and he will help me when I get down, thank GOODNESS!
But I think the thing that is going to help me the most is for me to stop letting the actions of others affect how I feel. My MIL is not going to be in my head anymore! She is going to do her thing, I'm going to do mine. Some of the super INSENSITIVE people that I've been around that have said terrible things about ART or IF, well they can just KISS IT!! And I'm not going to get bogged down with it anymore. Just got to let it go, like Daddy used to say, "Like water off a duck's back". I've got to forgive and FORGET. I always have done the forgiving, but didn't forget for fear that they might do it again to me. Well, I am the master of MY FEELINGS and no one is going to MAKE me feel like anything.
Okay, rant is OVER. I hope ya'll have a great weekend. I've got a few plans that involve a lot of relaxing by the pool this weekend. Looking so forward to it. God Bless!